A/N: Ah, feels good to be writing fanfiction again. Me and my muse. Been a while since I really showed I was active, so that's why I'm doing this. And I felt this was a good way to get myself out into the TF Fanfic community. This piece delves into my TFPrime character Tanya (You can find out more about her and Remy at my deviant art page and suggest doing that to get a better understanding about this piece) and past a little more. It's funny that all I do with Tanya is really sad stuff and it always comes out really long, no exceptions for this one. . . this also takes place a bit after the ending to Orion Pax Part 3, so it matches with the timeline! 8D Also some warnings, curse words are dropped in here (Thanks Remy XP) Oh and, after the third page break I swear I'm gonna be using certain words so much if somebody were to drink alcohol with this they'd be sick. Actually just make a sipping game of this, everytime you read any of the following words just take a sip of whatever is closest to you. The words are (exact or relating to) silence secret lie tears and broken. Hope somebody with alcohol doesn't find this. . . . yeah just read.
There truly was no place like New York. Nothing could beat the bright lights, the big city, the bustling night life, the place where dreams come true. Little did anyone, especially Tanya Boho, know that one dream was actually a nightmare.
Among the ever moving crowd bobbed along Tanya, desperately moving to a nearby bench and succeeding. She gratefully sat down and took a sip of her Starbucks, warming up with the coffee. After staying in Nevada for so long and suffering from the blistering heat there, the cool air of New York was welcome to Tanya. She smiled and took a glance around at all the flashing advertisements, the posters of new musicals, listened to the constant roar of people going about their day and the honks of taxis and buses passing by. She remembered that she was only there to assist Arcee for her patrol time, the femme had been all against it (Her and her 'I can do it myself' nature), and Optimus, recently found after having lost his memories and been with the Decepticons, had said that it was a good idea to have somebody native there for help. She gave a smile at the thought of Optimus. Ever since he had left the mood at the base had been pretty down and all focus was set on finding him and bringing him home. Ironically, the night Optimus stopped the threat of Unicron, Tanya had a nightmare where in the end she was abandoned by all her friends and had made Remy drive her to the base to seek comfort. Her cheeks heated up when she remembered Jack had been the one to help pick up her broken sanity and be a warm body for her to cling to. Why-o-WHY did Miko have to tease her about liking Jack? It truly had been because he was very responsible and seemed like the only other adult sometimes among their group at first, but now. . .
The chorus to 'We Are Young' emenating from her phone stopped the thought before it could be finished. She fished it out of her pocket and found a text from Arcee.
-Finished my patrol, meet back up at the alley we entered from-
She closed her phone and stowed it back into her pocket, standing up and taking another sip of her mocha, and turned to head back to where the last Groundbridge had been. Little did she know she would be part of a fateful collision with the last person she expected to see.
She crashed into somebody, she couldn't tell who, and her mocha and the briefcase they held went flying.
"Oh gosh! I'm so sorry!"
She never took a glance at the face looking at her, bending down to grab the lost item and brushing some gravel off, straightening up.
"I'm such a klutz, I'm sorry if-"
She had collided with a woman somewhere in her late 40's, hair tied up in a bun sitting perfectly atop her head, wearing a business suit and a fur shawl to protect her from the cold. But all Tanya saw was her face. Wrinkles were evident, mostly frown lines and those purely of age, but what really clinched Tanya on how she knew this person before her was her eyes.
Those eyes.
She knew those eyes too well.
Years and years she had tried so hard to make those eyes show some other kind of emotion, time after time they stayed the same. Even now they still wore that same dissapproving look.
9 years was too long for her to know those eyes.
Her mother gave her a once over, stopping at her blonde hair, and frowning. With no hesitation she reached a hand out, Tanya flinching at it, and pinched some hair between two fingers.
"I hate this length. And those bangs. The color too."
Each sentence felt like a punch in the gut.
The fingers moved to her earmuffs.
"And what the hell is on your ears? The color of that coat is terrible and doesn't match with these."
The burn of tears could be felt behind her eyes.
They made eye contact.
"No worse off than when I left. I know the other two must be the same."
That last sentence was an outright stab in the back.
"He died. Patrick, two years ago."
The eyes still held that same look, and all those years of building up that calm demeanour Tanya had snapped because of them.
"Really? You really don't care? You really don't care that your only son died?"
A taxi passed by, providing the response.
"You really don't care that you left us? Left your husband, your daughter, and your newborn son? Left that responsibility of being the makeshift mother to me, to a boy who never even knew his biological one? You don't care that you were the one that gave me my phobia! DON'T YOU EVER CARE FOR ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF?"
She had lost control. Lost control of her voice, her body, her mind. So what if everybody around them walking by was wondering 'What the hell is her problem?' She had every right to be angry, this woman before her, this disgrace to mothers the world over, left her only daughter to fend for herself in the real world.
She didn't know when or how, but she stopped.
All those years of anger, of fear, of sadness, of pure hurt, were gone.
But those same eyes weren't.
She frowned again.
"He never told you?"
Then she gave a 'Hmph', took her briefcase, and walked off as if she hadn't just been screamed at by her daughter that she had abandoned.
For the longest while, people passing by and staring at her and making a good 3-foot-radius around Tanya, she just stood there with one question in mind.
'What did I do wrong?'
She had never stopped asking herself that, even after she left.
She had said something about her hair.
She had to fix it.
She started to walk, walk back to the alley she and Arcee had entered New York in, to the Groundbridge which was already there when she reached the trashcan littered place. She walked through.
Scissors.
She needed scissors.
She couldn't recall how long it took her, but she eventually found what she wanted. She grabbed the first handful of hair she could and had at it. After three cuts, she began to feel somebody trying to stop her. No, she needed to fix it, fix it now to please her now. Maybe then she'll smile. Maybe then she'll love her.
The scissors were ripped out of her hands, and the fog lifted.
She hadn't even noticed there was a fog.
The Autobot base appeared before.
Everybody was staring at her.
The 'Bots stood off by the console, Arcee standing in front of the deactivated Groundbridge. Ms. Darby stood off to the side, Jack next to her, holding his hand which looked to be cut. She felt somebody on her back and figured it was Miko, seeing her hand on her arm out of the corner of her eye. And standing in front of her was Raf, shaking and holding the blood and hair coated scissors, a look of worry and fear behind his glasses.
Then she realized she was crying, and held some cut off hair in one of her hands; her hair.
"Oh god."
The hair slipped out of her shaking hand to the floor, where the rest of her hair was.
"God no. . . "
What had she done?
All at once Miko was relieved off her back, and familiar servos picked her up and started to walk off with her.
"What happened?"
Hearing that familiar and welcoming undeveloped voice made her lose control for the third time in that lone hour.
Silence had engulfed the room. June was quietly dressing Jack's cut, Raf was cleaning off the bloodied scissors, Miko was sweeping up the hair, and the 'Bots were just looking around, occasionally looking back at the hunched form of Remy in the corner.
Nobody made a move to break the awkward and tense silence. Not even Miko could.
No more than a minute later was the quiet shattered by the sound of metal footsteps walking over, everybody whipping around to look at the approaching red mech, a heavy scowl on his face.
"So? What happened?"
Remy looked at Miko, processing the movements her lips made, before replying with a sigh.
"She ran into her mom."
Confused looks were shared, and Remy sighed again.
"It's a long story. Her Mom left Tanya and her Dad when she was nine, and as I've oh so just recently learned, her Mom had technically abused her."
A stunned silence followed the last sentence.
"How's that possible? From what all I learned about Tanya all she has is her phobia, and she got that after her brother passed away."
He regarded June for a bit before answering.
"My guess is verbally, she says her bitch of a mom criticized her everyday to the point where Tanya tried to please her in whatever way she could, even going as far as changing herself. The bitch apparently never smiled at her."
While the others had started to pay rapt attention to Remy, Jack couldn't help but glance over to the corner where Tanya still was. He quietly began to sneak away, thinking nobody had noticed when infact Remy had seen.
'You better help her, she's more broken than before.'
He had to shift his gaze away to read somebodyelses' lips and could only hope that if Jack truly loved her he'd make things better.
This was worse than before. Before it had just been a dream that had made her cry, this time it had been a nightmare brought to reality.
He was almost afraid to touch her, afraid that she would panic at the simple caress and break even more.
He pushed it aside and eased himself down next to the huddled form, a nervous and tense quiet overtaking them.
" . . . Hey."
" . . . . hey. . . "
In that one word, Jack could tell just how broken Tanya really was.
He couldn't take that broken tone, the last time he'd heard it was when his Dad had left and it had been in his Mom's voice when she was telling him that he had left.
He realized that Tanya hadn't even told Remy about this, had she told nobody? Even her own father?
Immediately Tanya's voice snapped at him in his mind saying not to worry about her. That was Tanya, always worrying about others but never letting them worry about her, not wanting to be a problem to anybody.
'But it's not a problem when you've been abused.'
" . . . . does it hurt?"
The words came out, muffled and warbly, sounding like she was about to have a fourth breakdown any second.
" . . . . I hurt you . . . I . . . I did-didn-"
"I know you didn't mean to, and so does everybody else. All any of us has to ask is . . . .why? Why didn't you tell somebody?"
Silence never got a chance to fester, a choked sob beating it to the quick.
"I . . . I'm a m-m-mess . . . I'm a-a-abused, lonely, a-and a-a-a FREAK."
She pulled in closer to herself, her being shuddering, trying to cut herself off from the world.
It was a sorry sight, such a strong girl being brought to her knees by not pleasing a unloving mother.
Jack found himself reaching over, with his bandaged hand, and smoothing her hair out, taking in the chopped locks, and felt her shuddering stop.
"That's not how we see you. We see you as any other human being in this world, one who's been treated wrongly on so many levels. These people here, in this room, want to help you. People in this room love you already the way you are and would never agree to whatever image that woman has of you. I mean, God, your best friend is an autonomous transforming robot that would do anything for you to make you feel better, even if it meant bending over backwards for you. The opinions of one person don't have to be the only ones you listen to."
Slowly he fingered the freshly cut hair, and he gave a feeble smile.
"At least now you have an excuse to try a new hairstyle."
The air turned silent.
For the fourth time she brokedown.
She shakily moved her hands to clasp them and rest them on her knees.
The motion was unfamiliar to him.
It took him remembering back to a time when they were working on homework together, eventually abandoning it in favor of talking and getting to know eachother. She had said how one of her favorite books had been a Judy Blume book that had a character named Margaret, Margaret's Mom was Christian and Margaret's Dad was Jewish but the two had given up their believes and eloped, and Margaret didn't have a religion but still believed in God.
"It's a really nice thought you know, people nowadays are always fighting about religion and who's right and wrong. Everytime I think that I always think about Margaret and wonder why we can't be like that? If there really is a God, would he not want us to fight like this? Over which way is right or wrong in worshipping him? Maybe all he'd simply want is just a prayer?"
'Maybe it's just nice to know you can talk to somebody who has already seen what has happened and don't have to explain it?'
He didn't know when or how, but his hands moved to mimic Tanya's.
He'd never really thought about religion or praying before, passing the thought off to figure out what time he needed to leave for work, how much homework he had to do, and other stuff that was more important than thinking to somebody who couldn't be proved as 'real'.
" . . . I don't know what I'm doing here. . . "
He shifted his gaze to Tanya.
" . . . But I'm willing to learn if it'll help you."
He'd never figured Tanya had been listening, but realized she had when she lurched at him and started bawling into his shirt.
He held her and stroked her hair again, and began to think that even if it was a Judy Blume book maybe he should read it.
If it could help her, he'd do it a thousand times over for her.
She never realized how nice short hair was.
With her long hair, it always got mussed up too easily and became helmet hair by the time she reached the school every morning and always tying it up in a bun to make it look decent and had long since given up doing anything with it, but now with her short hair she could attempt to do something with it every morning and fix the helmet hair quickly with a simple shake of her head.
She clipped on said helmet and started to back Remy out of the garage of the small-but-homey one level home she, her secret friend, and her Dad inhabited.
Upon arriving on the street, she noticed her Dad standing out on the front steps. He gave a wary smile and waved at her. She smiled and revved Remy's engines, and started off for school.
Telling her dad about what had happened was tricky indeed.
That was all she was thinking about on the drive home, she was still a blubbery mess by the time Ms. Darby had said she needed to go home, let her father know what happened in the most vaguest way possible, and stop by a salon to fix her hair, and Remy had to drive since all Tanya could do was grip the handles and cry at the idea of having to explain this to the one person she loved more than anybody.
The moment she had gotten home and he had asked what had happened she was bawling again. She was coherent enough to change the story from helping a transforming robot patrol New York and running into her mother to getting a suprise visit at home from her mother, running off to Jack's house (since it was the closest) grabbing the first set of blades she could find and attempt at snipping her hair all for Jack and Ms. Darby to stop her, and having it end with her having a nervous breakdown. It had been suprisingly easy to make up the cover up, but it was five times harder to tell her father what exactly that woman he believed he loved did to his only child so long ago. She also just that night learned that the reason her mother had left was because she had been diagnosed as narcisstic. It was as difficult for Noah to tell this as for Tanya telling him she'd been abused. It had been said in the letter Nancy had left before leaving, but he'd never wanted Tanya to know in fear that she'd try going after her. Afterwards they went out to have her hair fixed up, pick up a tub of ice cream and sit down to watch their favorite movie 'Easy A' and ate and laughed to their hearts content.
Tanya felt a pang in her heart thinking back on the night. When he came to check on her when she got in bed, he'd said that they'd keep no more secrets or lies between them and would start with a clean slate. He'd told her a thing or two he'd kept secret from her and admitted to a lie before asking her if she had anything to throw out. Her heart broke when she had to lie and say she had none.
It wasn't just merely out of necessity that she had to keep the Autobots secret, she feared that after all they'd been through he'd try to take Remy away from her in fear of her getting hurt.
She hated lying to him, but if she let it slip to him and he somehow accepted the situation he'd sure as hell drive out to the base everyday to keep an eye on her, and Ms. Darby already visited often enough, and Keaton's uncle had Ace's brother with him so he knew about the Autobots, and maybe eventually somehow the whole town'd find out or at least become suspicous with the same cars driving in and out of the Nevada desert twice everyday.
It was either face all that or just keep a small lie continually going.
But even thinking of how he just smiled and believed she was the perfect angel he thought she was close to enough for Tanya to almost have Remy pullover so she could puke out her guts from all the stress this brought her.
Finally they arrived at school and Tanya was grateful to take the helmet off, shaking her head a bit to get some air into the folicles.
"What . . . happened to your hair?"
Oh, how one simple question from one person could cause total and utter panic to another happen Tanya didn't know.
She glanced over at the one person she was close to that didn't know what had happened for a moment before switching to the ground, shifting her fingers through the cropped hair.
Of course she'd have to run into Keaton, she basically had Remy park next to her everyday since they met, so yeah. Keaton would ask that question since she had just been hanging out with her the other day before she went over to the base and followed Arcee along for the trip with the terrible outcome and must have clearly remembered her hair being longer than to below her ears.
And all she could say was,
"It's a long story."
Keaton raised an eyebrow at the suspicous actions.
"What happened?"
" . . . Just tell her."
Remy, suprisingly being the voice of reason, was enough for her to continue on.
" Um . . . you know what happened to my Mom, right?"
Keaton nodded,
"Yeah, I do."
Well that was less to explain.
"Well, I was helping one of the bots with a patrol up in New York, and, I, uh. . . "
" . . . You what?"
She took a deep breath,
" . . . Ran into her."
Keaton responded with widening her eyes.
"You what? How did that happen? Did you say anything to her?"
"Well, I kinda screamed at her in the middle of the street, ran back to base, and uh. . . "
She wasn't able to bring enough courage to say what actions she did and tugged on a piece of her hair and hoped that the message was clear enough.
" . . . You screamed at her, ran back to base, then cut your hair? Why? What did she say to you?"
She realized she had lost all her courage and resorted to staring at the ground, yet not exactly paying attention to it.
" . . . She was verbally abused as a kid by her, enough to the point where she did whatever it took to please her. Running into her mom made her relapse and have a nervous breakdown."
Most other people would feel betrayed for somebody ratting out on them, but Tanya was actually thankful Remy had. There was no way the words would come out of her mouth without her dissolving back into a teary blob like the other day.
"Oh my god, Tanya. . . "
The only thing she hated right now was that she didn't even have the courage to lift her head and look her friend in the eye and own up to the tears falling back down again. She felt Keaton give her a hug, which was rare in Keaton's case, and felt Keaton's chin on her shoulder mouthing something. She figured it was to Remy. What she didn't know was that she had mouthed 'I am so going to kill her mom if I ever see her!' and had Remy had a mouth at the time he would've mouthed back 'Punch her in the face for me when you do.' Keaton continued to hold her, letting her tears drip onto her.
"It's alright Tanya. . . she's in New York, no way can she criticize you here, and if she does. . . I'll deal with her."
All she could do was sniffle and rub at her eyes,
"Don't worry about it. . . "
"Tanya you're my friend!"
Keaton let go, a firm grip on Tanya's shoulders, so she could address this to her face.
"Your mom had no right to do that to you!"
She felt her lip tremble and oh so elegantly wiped at her nose.
"Just don't, I already have the others worrying."
The brunette gave her a serious glare.
"For good reason! I should slap your mom for doing that!"
Ever so noticeably her eyes softened.
"Would you. . . rather talk about it later?"
She gave a sniff and nodded, wiping at her eyes again and tried to compose herself so she could walk with the last scrap of dignity she had left into the school.
Keaton gave a soft smile and waited for Tanya to walk into the school together.
Upon reaching the entrance they found Jack, Raf, and Miko standing around and chatting before stopping as soon as they saw Tanya.
She smiled and tried not to tear up.
Without warning Miko leaned over to play with her hair a bit and giving a smile.
"I like it. It really suits you, especially with that headband!"
A compliment from anybody usually brightens anybody's day, but for Tanya it brightened it beyond comprehension.
As she was trying to drift off to sleep the other night, she thought she wouldn't be the same after this.
Then she had been thinking it was in a bad way.
But now she knew it was a good way.