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The Wedding Agreement

The Planning Stage

The Wedding Agreement between Sheldon Lee Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler was neither a lengthy nor complex document. Well, not compared to the still in negotiation Marriage Agreement. That was being hammered out by a bemused attorney cousin of Howard (brother to the Jeweler who helped create Amy's fabulous wedding ring/pendant) and Amy's godmother, Aunt Frances, a California Appeals Court Judge. Her honor was equally bemused, but couldn't help seeing the good sense in many of the clauses such as housecleaning responsibilities, family holiday implementation, dispute arbitration and mediation clauses, and her favorite, bathroom hygiene Do's and Don'ts. The hammering out of details was fairly smooth except for one thing, Amy loved loopholes and Sheldon liked closing them. But as long as it was signed, sealed and delivered before the expiration of the Wedding Agreement/Honeymoon addendum, all would be well.

Simply, the wedding agreement was a 15 page notarized legal document that would probably not hold up in court. It dictated budget, wedding date, venue, attendants… Since it put most of the responsibilities in Amy's hands, it became sort of a litany of things Sheldon would not be doing.

It was the best agreement ever.

In preparation for their nuptials and post wedding trip, the division of labor was clear, Sheldon stayed out of Amy's and her bridesmaids (which had come to include Rajesh) way and he could plan his dream train journey without interference. Not to say Sheldon had no input. There was a suggestion procedure (Klingon benediction? No. Sundae bar? Anything you want, baby. Gentlemen in Starfleet dress uniform? NO STAR TREK!) but after a little while, most of his suggestions had to be submitted to Raj in writing because they seemed to be stressing Amy out. A lot.

There was plenty they'd agreed upon. The planning time frame would be only 6 weeks (they both loathed how long the planning had gone on with the Howard/Bernadette thing). The ceremony would be secular to the point of starting a culture war. The wedding would be conducted by Judge Frances (self-proclaimed Druid) at the Planetarium featuring a digital star display that Raj had created for especially for the couple and especially to refute intelligent design. There would then be a light dinner with sundae bar for Sheldon and open bar for everybody else. Four attendants each, Leonard and Penny as best man and maiden of honor, Bernadette as matron of honor with Missy and Padma rounding out the ladies side. Then Howard, Sheldon's brother George and Raj as groomsmen. Stuart, Wil Wheaton and Josh (Missy's new live in boyfriend) as ushers. Wil would also be alternate groomsmen in case George showed up too drunk. In which case, Josh and Stuart would be responsible for wrestling him to the ground and locking him in a closet. The venue could only hold 60 guests, so it was going to have to be an intimate, child-free wedding… And they both had a few surprises for the other (approved by bridesmaids and groomsmen), but the upshot was this…

This was running like damn clockwork.

There was one big deal that the couple had anticipated, but had no idea how to handle. The mothers.

The ladies were causing trouble. For one thing, Amy had cousins. A metric shitload of cousins (a metric shitload is 2.54 times more than an old fashioned Imperial shitload). And her mother, Margaret, not only wanted to invite them all (with their associated spouses and packs of unruly off spring) she wanted to insert some into the wedding party. Therefore, they needed a bigger venue. This led Mrs. Cooper to observe that Sheldon too had cousins. One of whom was an ordained minister who was associated with an ideal Mega-church, not 5 minutes from Sheldon's house. It was like God was speaking through Google Maps.

To recap, the mothers wanted a full Mega-church extravaganza with 8 bridesmaids and three flower girls (Mary insisted that George's daughters from his first and second marriage be included if Amy's youngest cousin had a berth) and 200 guests. This meant that, for balance, the ushers would need to be promoted to groomsmen along with a cousin to be named later…

And both mothers would like them to cool it with the sex until after the wedding. Margaret wanted to reinforce that Sheldon would need to buy the damn cow if he wanted the milk and Mary thought that Jesus would like it better.

The couple ended the mother video summit. They sat silently for minutes staring at the screen of Amy's desk top computer before she finally spoke. "Well, I suppose we can elope."

Sheldon shook his head and tapped the bound and perfect wedding agreement in his lap. "No."

"I can't do what they want, Sheldon. I am 31 years old, the concept of even having 4 bridesmaids verges on idiocy. And it will blow the budget…" the bride started stress crying. Her groom wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his lap. "I hate my cousins! I just want my friends."

"Darlin', it is fine. We are not getting married in a Mega-church by my cousin Bobby Lee." Amy raised her eyebrows quizzically, "All my siblings and all my cousins, all our middle names are Lee. Our mothers claim it was a coincidence. Get over it." Amy's sobbing morphed into a small giggle. "we signed an agreement. This is what we are doing."

"How do we tell them that?" Amy asked, laying her head on his shoulder.

"Registered letter."

"Oh." She sighed, "isn't that cowardly?"

"Do you have a problem with that?" he shifted her in his lap so she stared into his eyes.

"No. You are an evil genius." She smiled happily, "but I knew that. What about pre-nuptial abstinence?"

Sheldon answered her in the way she'd anticipated, he pinned her to the nearest wall and coitused the hell out of her for about an hour, before repeating the procedure in her bed for another 3 hours. Then they composed the maternal cease and desist letters, showered, changed the sheets and tried to get a little sleep.

4 days later, Missy showed up at Sheldon's office with a big grin, "You broke your Mama's heart, by registered mail. Coward."

"She stressed out my bride." He didn't look up at his twin. "and if you and President Seibert get married, y'all are free to chose the Mega-church option."

Missy pulled a face, "Do not jump the gun. I am only staying with Josh temporarily, probably forever. As friends, as far as Mom needs to know."

"And I am the coward?" Sheldon finally leaned back and looked at his twin.

"At least I have the decency to lie to her face." Missy said without shame. "Besides, snowflake, I never said you were wrong. Kind of a bold bastardly move, actually. How is your future mother in law taking it?"

"Well, during the 2 hour shouting match last night, the gist was she was going to be leading a million cousin march on the reception and we'd better be prepared to arrest her. On the bright side, now Amy is pissed rather than sad. We might move the wedding to an earlier date to flummox evil queen's vile plans."

"Mom's still coming. She threatens to be weeping tears of rage and sorrow over the fact that you and Amy's eternal honeymoon will be in hell…"

"Amy will find that very romantic…" Sheldon smiled, "and dirty. She's a bad girl."

Missy looked horrified for a second, "I am pretty sure that will pass if you send Mom a copy of the procreation addendum. She does so want grandbabies she can see without a court order." Missy sat down, "can you imagine having AshLei and AshLeigh both as flower girls? And having both their mothers as guests along with George's third wife? You'd need a venue that bans fire arms which that Mega-church does not. I'll tell you one thing, Shelly Bean, I am not getting married until you and Amy give me a niece with a properly spelled name and without attention deficient disorder."

"Missy, do you have a reason to visit?" Sheldon asked evenly, waving his pencil at her, "Unlocking the mysteries of the universe here."

"Oh yeah, I am picking up Raj for the bridesmaids' dress fitting."

"Things aren't weird with you, him and Padma?"

His twin's lovely blue eyes widened, "Shelly! What an insightful question!"

"I am so sorry, let me clarify. I don't care if things are weird for any of you, I just care that you keep it to yourselves." He said sternly, "No one upsets Amy. Except her mother."

"And you?" Missy grinned.

Sheldon's face fell then his head hit the desk, and he sighed dramatically, "Apparently, I am deeply irritating. I was really hoping she wouldn't notice until after the wedding."

"Poor thing. How are you handling it?"

He peaked up at her, "I keep telling her she is right about everything and how pretty she looks. Apparently, at that point, my tone then becomes an issue."

Missy leaned over the desk and kissed the top of his head. "Try harder. I can't tell you specifically what she is planning for your wedding surprises, but you are the luckiest man alive." Before her twin could question her, she sashayed out the door.

Sheldon wait until he was sure she had left, before calling Amy. Her face appeared after a few second, "Hi, Sheldon! I can't talk, I have to go to the bridesmaids gown fitting." She looked stressed. Missy was right, he needed to try harder.

"You don't have to." He had a sudden strong desire to see her in the flesh a situation that didn't devolve into stress crying. "You are not actually performing the alterations yourself, are you?"

Amy raised an eyebrow, "No."

"Then this falls under the category of things you do not have to do." He responded, "Use your superior intelligence and delegate tasks to your minions."

"But this is supposed to be fun…" her eyes shone with tears, "not the most stressful thing I've done since the first time I used a cranial saw! I just want somebody else to do it!" she admitted, then looked sheepish. "Not all of it. Just the boring parts."

"Make Raj do the boring parts. He likes it."

"He's doing too much. He's my friend, I don't want to use him."

"As long as you list him in the program as the wedding planner and allow him to refer to the reception as a Koothra-party… use him as you will." Sheldon assured her.

"I don't want to be a bridezilla."

"What does that even mean? Here, I promise I won't allow you to stomp Tokyo in your wedding gown, if that is the concern." He paused, "I want you to call the girls, let them know that you will not be attending the fitting."

Amy's eyes gleamed with temptation, "What excuse should I give?"

"I have commandeered you for Honeymoon planning." He coaxed.

"That is supposed to be a surprise. Are you really going to give me a hint?" she asked eagerly.

"Are you going to tell me what about your wedding gown is supposed to make hit Pon Farr when you get half way down the aisle?" he countered.

"Well, first, that is very sweet of Raj to say, second, I think you'll be able to control the entirely fictional Vulcan blood fever because it is fictional and because you don't want your MeeMaw to see you like that." She paused, "Also, Star Trek will be inappropriate. So to answer your question, no."

"Then no to your question too," he pouted, then became more focused, "Just tell them I've commandeered you for honeymoon issues. Then get to my apartment as soon as you can." Seeing her, bit her lower lip seductively, "We are going to nap until the neighbors call the cops."

A/N: This going to get actually smutty. Not to over sell it, but Amy's secrets are worth reading for. It's a sequel, if you have questions refer to Santa Barbara Conduit.