He's My Son
DISCLAIMER: I don't own JAG. That belongs to DPB. The song "He's My Son" belongs to Mark Schultz.
A/N: I know, I know…some of you are waiting on the next chapter of 'Decisions'. I'm working on it, I promise! This story came to me when I was listening to my Mark Schultz CD, and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I'm running on almost no sleep and a heavy dose of inspiration. I'm no expert in medicine, so I've taken author's privilege here. Feel free to correct me on anything that may not be right. So, here it is.
A/N2: Just a little background info on this story. It's completely AU, and everything from Mic/Renee and after never happened in this story. Harm and Mac got together that night on the ferry in Sydney Harbor. It's about six years after Sydney Harbor, they're married and have a four year old son. Harm's a Captain, and Mac's a full bird Colonel. Due to regulations, Mac's promotion came with a transfer to the judiciary board. Anything in italics is someone's thoughts, and anything in bold italics is the song lyrics.
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
RABB HOUSEHOLD
WASHINGTON, DC
2339 ZULU
Harm was sitting in the kitchen of the house he and Mac bought, stirring mindlessly at the hot mug of herbal tea sitting in front of him. He was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice his wife come down the stairs and into the kitchen until she was right next to him, grasping his hand as if for dear life. When he looked up at her, he could tell that there were tears welling in her eyes that she was desperately trying to keep at bay. It was always hard for her to see their son sick, but he had never been as sick as he was the last couple days.
"Harm, we really need to take him to a doctor. He's getting worse."
"I know. I was just hoping it wouldn't come to that. You know how much he hates doctors."
"Yeah, but we need to find out what's going on, and why it's not getting any better. I don't want to take him to a hospital, but it's the only way for us to know what's happening."
She's right. I know she's right, but I just don't know if I can sit back and watch him go through all the tests that they're going to have to put him through. He's four years old for god's sake! With only a nod in acknowledgement to what she said, Harm stood up out of his chair and pulled Mac up into a tight embrace.
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
WASHINGTON, DC
1045 ZULU
"Matthew Rabb"
As soon as Harm and Mac heard Matt's name called, Mac picked their son up and followed the PA and her husband back to the exam room, where they were told Commander Preston, their family physician, would be with them shortly. In an anxious silence, the family waited until a middle-aged woman, probably about Harm's age, walked in and gave the couple a weak smile before sitting down beside them and getting down to business.
"Hello Colonel, Captain, what are we seeing Matthew here for today?"
Harm looked over at Mac and noticed she was trying in vain to quiet a fussy four year old in her lap, so he answered Commander Preston.
"Well, that's the problem. We're not exactly sure. He's never been as sick as he is now…"
Harm continued to tell the doctor everything that had been happening with Matt since he first showed signs of being sick, and told her how it wasn't letting up, no matter what they tried.
"…And he's been complaining about his hand hurting. That started a couple days ago. He can't seem to do anything with it, and we can't do anything to help him with it. We're just really concerned here. We don't know what's going on with our son."
"Okay, well, let me get a nurse to take him down to x-ray so we can take a look at that hand. Then I'll draw some blood and see if we can find out what's making Matt so sick. I'll be right back"
Mac reluctantly placed her son on a wheelchair that Commander Preston had a nurse wheel in. To her surprise, Matt didn't get upset or make any kind of fuss when he was being wheeled away from his parents. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying it as if it were some special ride at a carnival. While he was down getting x-rays done, Commander Preston stayed with Harm and Mac to talk with them a little more.
Matt returned to the exam room about twenty minutes later. The nurse handed the envelope containing the x-rays to Commander Preston and left, giving Matt an affectionate smile on her way out. After examining the x-rays carefully, Commander Preston turned back to the parents, a reassuring smile forming on her lips.
"Well, I've got a dose of good news here. There appears to be nothing wrong with Matt's hand, if these x-rays are any telling. That does bring up more questions, though. Since the pain in his hand hasn't gone away, and it appears to be nothing skeletal, I really can't tell you what's wrong there. Hopefully something will turn up in the blood work that we can work with. I just need both of your help for a second, so that I can draw some blood, then you can get out of here."
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
TWO DAYS LATER
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
1450 ZULU
Harm was just about to head out of his office for court when he heard the telephone ring. Frustratedly, he set down his cover and briefcase and hurried toward the phone.
"Rabb."
"Captain, this is Melinda Krause at Bethesda Naval Hospital."
Finally, he thought.
"What can I do for you, Ms. Krause?"
"I have the results of your son's blood work here."
"And….?"
Come on, lady, I'm late!
"I'm sorry, Captain, but the results showed that your son has leukemia. It appears to be that it hasn't advanced beyond treatments, so Commander Preston has recommended that you and the Colonel set up an appointment for a consult for Matthew as soon as possible."
Harm fell heavily into his office chair with a blank, yet horrified look on his face. His breathing seemed to have stopped, and he couldn't think straight. Not Matt….please, God, not Matt!
"Thank You," was all he could muster out of himself as he absent mindedly laid the phone back on it's cradle, not waiting for a response from the woman at the other end. For a minute, he just sat there, not able to think. There was no way he could possibly go into court now. The only place he could think of going was up to the next floor to get his wife, then going to their son's preschool as soon as possible.
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
TEN MINUTES LATER
MAC'S OFFICE
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VA
1501 ZULU
"He….he…what?" Mac couldn't believe what she was hearing. Harm had walked into her office unexpectedly a moment ago, and he looked absolutely terrified. When she asked him what was wrong, he fell apart. It took him nearly five minutes to regain his composure and prepare himself for what he was about to tell her. When it finally came out, she wished it hadn't.
"He….has leukemia, Sarah. Oh my god, he has leukemia." He restated, reacting as though it was the first time he had heard the information himself. The disbelief and reality of the situation walked hand-in-hand with each other as husband and wife tried, without success, to hold in their emotion. Without a second thought, they both requested a short-term leave, explaining as much as they could stand to explain to their COs. Both were out the door minutes after being told to take as much time as they needed.
"Should we go pick him up?"
"No, let him finish school for the day. I don't want him to freak out at seeing us like this. We need to regain our composure before we go get him."
Mac knew he was right. Damn him…he's always got to be right!
"What are we supposed to tell him, Harm? He has to know what's happening to him before we go in to start treatments. How are we supposed to explain to our four-year-old son that he's sick and that we can't make it better? How?"
Harm could tell that she was on the verge of breaking down completely. How they had both been able to keep that much at bay was beyond him. On the outside, their military training had appeared to have taken over, but on the inside, they were both dying inside. By the look in her eyes, he could just tell that even her marine façade wouldn't hold out much longer. He had to get her out of the office, and himself, too.
"Let's get out of here and go home for a while before we have to pick Matt up. We can go get him from daycare in a couple hours, but right now I think we both need to just go home for a little while."
"Okay. Just let me get my desk squared away here. I'll meet you at the car."
He was hesitant to agree to her last request, but gave in and obeyed. With a reassuring embrace and a light kiss on the top of her head, he left her office and made his way down to their car. Almost the second Harm left, Mac lost it. Despite the number of years that they had known each other, she still hated to show weakness in front of him. For a couple minutes, she could do nothing but shake as sobs wracked her body. Finally, she gained her composure, secured her office for the day, and headed to the car, where she saw the worried look her husband was giving her. Together, they drove back to their home in silence, each clinging to the other's hand like a lifeline.
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
ONE WEEK LATER
RABB RESIDENCE
WASHINGTON, DC
0043 ZULU
One week. Only one week had passed since the devastating discovery in the Rabb family. Everyone had been sympathetic toward Harm and Mac when they found out. Bud and Harriet offered to do whatever they could to help, as did Coates. Matt had started the treatments for his leukemia a couple days before, and it appeared to Harm that the treatments seemed to take more out of him than the disease itself had, though he knew that without the treatments, that would not be the case in the coming months.
Harm lay in bed, wondering when his wife would join him in their bedroom. He had no need to wonder where she was, knowing that she was in Matt's room watching him sleep. Quietly, he slid out of bed and walked over to the bedroom window, looking up toward the waning moon in the midnight sky. Suddenly, without warning, he started to pray. It surprised him, but he continued nonetheless. He didn't know whether he was praying to God, his father, or some other powerful being beyond human comprehension. All he knew was that his son needed a miracle, so he prayed.
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs your help
I've done all that I can do myself
Still continuing the silent prayer, he stepped out of his and Mac's room, heading toward Matt's room. Though he knew he should have expected what he saw when he got there, he seemed surprised. Mac was sitting on the edge of their son's bed, stroking his dark hair. From the doorway, even in the dim light of the small lamp on the nightstand, Harm could see the evident trail of tears on Mac's face. He knew she cried every night for the last week, and he hated the fact that the marine in her refused to allow her to let him see those tears. Silently, he watched her for a while longer, his eyes drifting between her and Matt.
His mother is tired
I'm sure you can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill up her eyes
Can You hear me
Am I getting through tonight
Can You see him
Can You make him feel alright
You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
He's my son
The prayers in Harm's head continued as he let his eyes linger on Matt. He closed his eyes, just for a moment, and saw his son's future racing beneath his eyelids. There were images of a brown-haired, blue-eyed boy, about ten years old, going up to bat in a little league uniform. Then the boy matured to a cocky fifteen-year-old giving his father's trademark grin as a girl agreed to go out on a date with him. The image proceeded to mature to a man of about twenty in a midshipman's uniform at Annapolis Naval Academy, followed by a man of 25 or so in dress whites saying 'I do' to his bride. These images continued to play on repeat in his mind as he prayed and prayed for some way to take Matt's place. All he wanted to do was take this pain away from his son, knowing that he couldn't.
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
Harm stood there with his eyes closed in the doorway of Matt's room for so long that he didn't even know that Mac had become aware of his presence until he felt her wrapping her arms around his ribs and laying her head against his shoulder. When he opened his eyes, he could see the tears that still glistened in her eyes as she looked back at him, then toward their sleeping four-year-old. Together, they stood in silence as each watched him sleep and contemplated life without him.
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
Can You hear me
Am I getting through tonight
Can You see him
Can You make him feel alright
You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
He's my son
They both took one lingering look at Matt before turning around and heading down the hallway to their bedroom, leaving Matt's door open as they left. After they crawled into bed, no words were needed as they both leaned into each other's secure embrace, basking in the safe feeling of their arms wrapped around each other. This was how they fell asleep, and how they awoke the next morning.
Can You hear me
Am I getting through tonight
Can You see him
Can You make him feel alright
You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See he's not just anyone
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
TWENTY YEARS LATER
ANNAPOLIS, MD
1034 ZULU
"And do you, Matthew Rabb, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?"
Matt looked at the woman who stood before him, taking in every inch of her. He then stole a glance toward his parents, who were so close that if you got them any closer, they'd be in each other's laps. Sarah had her head resting on Harm's shoulder, and Harm in turn had his arm securely wrapped around her tiny frame. As both glanced briefly at each other, remembering the day they were in their son's position, Matt could see the fire, passion, and love in their eyes, and only hoped that he and Nikki Roberts would be like that twenty-five years from now as he said the words he had rehearsed in the mirror for hours.
"I do."
"Then by the power vested in me by the state of Maryland, I now pronounce you man and wife. Now kiss the girl, for heaven's sake!"
Always one to follow orders, Matt did as he was told and kissed Nikki Rob-er-Rabb lovingly, yet passionately on the lips as cheers and wolf-like whistles erupted in the audience.
Harm looked on at his son as the two Rabb men danced with their wives and prayed part of a prayer he had prayed countless times during Matt's childhood. Only this time, the prayer was brought on under different circumstances.
Can You hear me
Can You see him
Please don't leave him
He's my son
JAGJAGJAGJAGJAG
A/N: Well, there you have it. For those of you who want to know, this story is based on the boy that Mark Schultz wrote the song for. He is now in his 20's and is completely cancer-free. E-mail me or send me a PM if you would like to hear the song. Okay, I'm done now.