It had been over four long, horrible years since we last heard anything from either Soda or Steve. When the twins turned 1 and Cola got horribly sick, it took all my strength not to shut down completely. I had been doing the best I could for the twins, but there was nothing I could do to save my tiny, precious son. He passed away on December 15, 1968, only a few weeks shy of Christmas.
To say the least, the holidays weren't anything to smile about after that. Even after two more years passed and Pepsi began to talk more clearly, I couldn't put the love and laughter into motherhood anymore. I lost my job at the diner, because I just couldn't keep going to work every day. The only reason the DX refused to fire me, was because Mike knew I was having a real hard time.
Darry and Ponyboy spent more time at my house than their own. Mary and Pony were still going steady, both enrolled in the last classes in our local community college, both excelling like expected. Darry had grown a lot more supportive, as he helped me raise my daughter. Michelle…well Michelle was the hard one. She often got lost in her thoughts, wandering aimlessly around our side of town. And even though she was only 8, she was horrified that she might never see two of the closest people in her life ever again.
When the mail came, it was Darry who encouraged me to open the letter from the army. It felt heavy. Like it held nothing but bad news.
Mrs. Sodapop Curtis,
"Since when were we married?" I sighed, shaking my head.
"He probably thought it'd be easier to get information to you that way?" Darry suggested. He too had a letter from the army, but refused to open it just yet.
We are pleased to inform you, that your husband, Private Sodapop Curtis, has been located, alive and well, and will be returning home on August 19th, 1971.
"They found him," I said in disbelief. "They found Soda!"
Darry was quickly opening his letter, a smile crossing his lips as he read it. "Steve too," he said, handing me the letter. Since Steve's father's death in 1969, we had had all the Randle related letters forwarded to our address, in hopes to hear good news eventually. Little did we know, that after nearly five years, both of our friends…our brothers, were finally coming home.
When Pony got home with Mary later that afternoon, we all shared in a moment of laughter, knowing that they were coming home, safe at last.
Two-Bit joined us that evening and demanded that we celebrated. Normally, I didn't allow any such things to take place in front of my daughter, but since her dad was coming home in less than 3 days, I decided it was about time she got to be part of something so huge.
Michelle held her on her lap as we dished out chocolate cake with rainbow frosting, a treat in our house since no one made crazy colored food like Sodapop. I smiled as Pepsi dug in, her little hands quickly turning into a sticky mess.
"Mama mama!" she sang happily. I smiled for the first time since Cola died.
"Hey, my sticky little mess," I cooed.
"Sing sing!" she sang loudly.
"I don't wanna sing, baby," I said gently.
"Please?" she said, her innocent, sweet voice begging.
"Maybe later," I promised. I wiped the frosting from her hands before letting her down on the floor. Greaser, along with the little kitten who followed Michelle home from school a few weeks ago, followed beside her, the kitten trying to get her attention more than Greaser, who had become like another baby sitter for my young daughter.
"Mickey, go take Peppy out in the back yard to burn off some of that energy, would ya?" I instructed.
"Awwe, Jo, I don't wanna plan with her today!" she complained.
"Michelle, don't you dare sass me young lady," I said, shooing her out of my way. "I have laundry and dishes to do, along with the damn bills, now out you go."
"But-," I cut her off.
"No but's, now go," I said. She stood up and took Pepsi's hand in hers, grumbling sourly under her breath.
"Jo, you gon' have the laundry done before I gotta leave for work, right?" Mary asked hopefully.
"Probably not, unless you don't mind wet clothes," I sighed, looking at the clock. I knew her shift started at 11. On Friday and Saturday nights, she worked the 11 to 7 shift, since she found it easier to wait tables at night. Especially since it was only recently that the diner started staying open round the clock.
"Seriously? Jo, you knew I needed my skirt done!" she grumbled.
"Then go down to the laundry mat and get it done there," I snapped.
"Why so sour today?" Pony asked, helping me clear the table. "I thought this would make you a whole lot happier."
"I am happy, beyond words happy, Ponyboy, but I'm three months behind on the water bill, a month behind on the gas, and what with trying to pay off Cola's hospital bills and funeral bill, it just been way too tight around here."
"How'd you fall so behind? You're normally better than Darry at keeping the bills paid," he said carefully.
"Yeah well, the DX ain't makin' me rich, and raisin' a baby on your own ain't cheap. Now granted, you and your brother have been helping out making the load a lot lighter, but some of the bills just kept on comin' when there was nothing to put out," I sighed. In truth, after I was fired from the diner, it made matters a whole lot worse.
"I'm sorry," he said, realizing he overstepped his place. I nodded and turned away, pulling the bills from the drawer next to the stove. I sighed as I sat down, slowly adding up all the numbers.
"How in the…Pon, go get Darry, I need him to add these up for me," I sighed a moment later. He nodded and left the room to find Darry, who was far better at math.
"Sup?" Darry asked, coming up behind me a few minutes later.
"Add those up for me real quick," I said, pushing the bills towards him. I walked down the hall, pushing open my bedroom door. I went over to the old jewelry box that once belonged to my mother and pulled out the diamond ring my father used to propose to her over two decades ago. It was beautiful, just like she had been.
"I'm sorry, mama, you know I wouldn't do this if we weren't strapped for cash. But with the baby and everything…it's been real awful," I sighed, pushing the ring into my pocket. I walked back into the kitchen, where Darry was crunching numbers.
"Jo-Anna, how in the world did you manage to fall this far behind?" he asked, giving me a funny look. The only reason the state was off my back was because they knew I was involved with Soda, and knew that he was in the army. That was the only reason I didn't lose Michelle. Well that, and the fact that Mary is real good at convincing people these days.
"How much is it?" I asked, not caring to explain myself a second time.
"$520.50," he sighed. I shook my head slowly.
"I thought so," I sighed. I grabbed my coat off the back of the chair, before I realized it was almost 11. The pawn shop wouldn't be open until the next morning.
"What're you gonna do?" he asked carefully.
"Pawn my mama's wedding rings," I sighed. "Those, my dad's old watch, a few sets of pearls I inherited over the years. I should be able to just barely pay those off before Soda gets home."
"Is that what all this is about?" Darry asked. "You wanna make it look like you didn't fall apart since he left?"
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to admit it out loud.
"Glory, Jo-Anna Beth, you really think Soda's stupid enough to believe that? Shoot, you only got through those first few months because you were a young, naïve mother!" he hollered.
"Don't you dare take that tone with me, Darrel!" I growled.
"Mama?" Pepsi's timid voice called.
"C'mere Peppy girl," I said softly, pulling her into my arms. "Don't you worry your pretty little head."
"Why is Uncle Darry mad?" she asked, her eyes wide.
"Darry's not mad, pretty girl, he's just upset 'cause mama's been a bit silly," I lied smoothly. "Now, why don't you have Mickey tuck you in bed? I'll be in in a minute to sing you that song, okay?"
"Kay mama!" she said, her mood instantly brightening up. She got that from her dad. Being able to go from sad to happy in the snap of a finger.
"After I tuck her in, can I watch TV?" Michelle asked, coming to retrieve Pepsi.
"No, it's getting late and we have a lot to do tomorrow morning," I said softly. "And this weekend's gonna be over 'fore you know it. Tomorrow we'll clean this place up, maybe even mow the lawn, then Sunday, we'll go to church, then maybe we'll be able to go out and pick up some groceries. You aren't going to school Monday, since Soda's train gets here at 10 in the morning, alright?" I said quickly.
"Why Church? Only Mary and Ponyboy ever have the patience for it!" she complained.
"Because we're gonna thank God for bringing back Steve and Soda to us, ya hear? Now hush it, take your niece to bed, and get yourself tucked in, savvy?" I said quickly.
"Yes ma'am," she muttered, taking hold of Pepsi's hand. "You know, Mary offered to help with the bills this month, if that's what's got you so upset."
"Run along now, Michelle," Darry's tone made her pick up her pace.
"You haven't let Mary help you none?" Darry asked once the girls were out of earshot.
"No. She's gotta get her way through college. She didn't get a full ride like Ponyboy did," I sighed. "'sides, she works hard for what little she makes. I ain't about to make her hand it over to pay bills that I let pile up none."
"Shoot, you know all you gotta do is ask, and I'll help you with 'em," he said gently, his tone a lot softer now. "You were scared and lonely and trying your best. No one blames you for shutting down."
"I blame myself. Damnit, Darry, if I had been paying better attention to Cola when he got sick…if I wasn't so busy praying for Soda to come home…fuck, if I was just a better mother to him…he'd still be here…" I broke down for the first time since Cola passed away.
When Cola died, I had to fight with every ounce of strength I had to keep my family together. It was hard enough, believing that Soda was never going to come home, but knowing that he would never get to meet his son…that was something no one ever really predicted. Cola fought for two months before finally losing his fight, and boy, let me tell you, it was the worst two months of my life. He was so tiny…so frail. It just wasn't fair that an innocent child could get so sick.
"Are you hearin' me, Jo?" Darry's voice broke into my thoughts.
"Huh?"
"I was saying how Soda's not gonna care how bad things are when he gets back, he's just gonna care that he's here with us," he said gently.
"I know," I sighed, shaking my head. "But I wish…well I wish I could say he's coming home to the same person he left."
"Shoot, none of us are the same as we were three years ago, Jo, you know that. For starters, Two-Bit got a job," he said lightly. I smiled at that. That sure was a surprise, three years ago, just after the twins were born, Two-Bit got a job and insisted on helping with the bills. He even took classes to learn how to babysit better. It helped a ton in the beginning, back when I was working two jobs and Mary was still in high school. He watched all three of the kids, no problem at all.
"I think I wanna go see our friends," I sighed, finally deciding where I needed to be. "Mind keeping an eye on the girls till I get back?"
"Where're you going?" he asked, not entirely getting what I just said.
"To see Dally. God, what I'd give for his smart ass attitude right now," I sighed, grabbing my keys off the table.
"You'll have to hop the fence," he said carefully. "Just don't get caught this time."
In the years since Soda and Steve disappeared, I had been going to talk to our dead friends and family a few times a week. Normally, I'd sit with Martha and Darrel, or my mom and dad, sometimes even Tyler and Tommy. But after a while, especially after Cola died, I'd spent more and more time talking to Dally, longing for him to be here more than ever before. His wild, crazy ass used to keep us busy, if nothing else.
The drive to the cemetery took a little longer than planned, but when I pulled up in front of the locked gates, I took extra care to hide my car before hopping the fence along the far side. Finding the plots during the day time was hard enough, but finding them at night was damn near impossible. But since I'd been coming to them almost every night for the last two months, I knew exactly where I was going. I cracked a beer before sitting down, leaning against the tree that Dally was buried next to. I poured half of the amber liquid onto the grass before taking a swing of it myself.
"Hey Dally, how's it going?" I said softly, placing the beer beside me. "They found 'em man, they found Steve and Sodapop. They're coming home Monday morning. I know, it's a miracle right? Maybe just dumb luck. Hope you're watching over my son up there, Dally. He needs someone to take care of him…"
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but I didn't stop.
"You know, it's crazy now. Me and Darry, we used to be real close, but now, well now we barely see eyes to eye no more. It's almost as if Soda's getting drafted ruined our friendship. He sure is good with adding up the bills and helping Mary study though. I guess I owe him big time for that, huh?" I closed my eyes, letting the cool night air sooth the pain in my aching heart.
"I miss you, Dallas. Miss you real good. Hope you're raising hell wherever you are, you ol' goat. I'll see ya soon buddy," I poured what little was left of the beer over his headstone, before breaking the bottle against it, not caring if I drew attention to myself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" a voice boomed. I stood up quickly, drawing the switchblade I still carried in my back pocket.
"Who the fuck are you?" I growled.
"Lower the blade, Jo, ain't no need for that here," the person stepped out of the shadows, into the dim moonlight. As soon as he did, I realized it was Tim Shepard. He and Dally used to be real good friends before Dally died.
"Glory Tim, trying to scare me half to death?" I sighed, shaking my head.
"No, don't gotta do that, that kid of yours will make you gray before you're 30," he chuckled. He was blitzed, I could see it just how we walked. "What're you doing this far out on a night like this anyhow?"
"Just trying to find peace, Tim," I said with a light sigh.
"Well shoot, you ain't gonna find that talking to ol' Dally here," he chuckled. "Why, a nice girl like you should be home raising babies."
"Not funny, Tim," I sighed. I was used to him treating me like a house wife – it's rare for a greaser girl to actually be polite and civil. But my mama, she raised me to be tough as nail and sweet as sugar, just depended on the situation. Mary had the sweet thing down now that she was older. Me? Well I was still as much a spitfire as I was 4 years ago.
"So's it true?" he asked, looking at me with wild eyes. The same wild eyes Dally had the day he died.
"S'what true?" I asked.
"They really find them? Soda and Steve?"
"They found 'em alright," I nodded. "They're coming home Monday."
"Well I'll be, good knowing those two are coming home. The DX there's been looking like a junk yard since they left, more cars coming in broke than going out fixed," he huffed.
"See ya around, Tim, try not to get hauled in," I said, turning to leave.
"Jo, wait," Tim said, grabbing my arm. Had it been anyone else, that would have been a move that would'a landed them with a nice shiner. But Tim, well Tim was like Dally. Hotheaded and not afraid to hit a woman.
"What?" I asked, pulling my arm free.
"I'm scared," he said, plopping down next to Dally's headstone.
"Scared of what?" I asked, taking a step towards him. Glory, he really was blitzed if he was admitting to be scared of something.
"Bein' drafted," he sighed.
"Aw, shoot Tim, you've been of age for longer than most, if your time ain't come yet, it ain't never coming," I said sincerely. "Don't be like Two-Bit was after the boys left. Don't get all worried 'bout something that prolly ain't ever gonna happen!"
"What if it does? What if I go over there and die or something? I don't wanna die, Jo," he said, his voice breaking.
"Tim Shepard, you've never been scared a day in your life. Pull yourself together, man. What would Dallas say if he saw you like this?" I said.
That got a smile on his face. He knew I was right. The more you worry, the more likely it is to happen. Besides, the reporters kept saying the end was near, the end was near. We just hoped to god it was.
I got home a lot later than I planned. Darry was asleep in the old lazy boy recliner, Pony on the couch, the TV on real low. Mary was asleep across Pony's lap. Normally, I'd make them all move around some, since I still wasn't too keen on Pony courting my little sister, but that night, I decided to let bygones be bygones and slipped into my own room, leaving the door cracked. I changed into one of Soda's old work shirts, like I did every night, before walking into Pepsi's room, pleased to see that that was tucked nicely in bed.
"Night Pepsi Nikole," I said softly, kissing the top of her head.
"Mama, sing to me," she said tiredly. I smiled and nudged her over on the bed. She rolled over, giving me room to lay down next to her. I pulled her into my arms, rocking gently back and forth.
"Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere, over the rainbow,
Blue birds fly,
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true…
Someday, I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me oh…
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, oh why, oh why can't I?"
"Mama, not that song," Pepsi cut me off, rolling over, now more awake than before. Normally, Over the Rainbow was her favorite lullaby, as she loved Alice in Wonderland more than any other movie.
"What song then?" I asked, kissing her forehead.
"The song you play when you miss daddy," she said, smiling up at me with those deep, soulful brown eyes of hers.
"God only knows?" I asked. I was never a Beach Boys fan, but that was one song that tugged at my heart since I first heard it.
"Mhm!" she said brightly. I kissed her forehead, wracking my brain trying to remember the lyrics.
"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows…" By the time I looked down, Pepsi was sound asleep, her thumb in her mouth, her other hand gripping tightly at the old stuffed bunny that had been passed down from Soda to Pony, to Michelle all the way down to her. The old thing had been stitched together so many times, lost most of its little plastic pellets, and was rubbed completely thin, but she loved it.
"Good night, my sleeping angel," I whispered, kissing her tenderly. "Daddy'll be home real soon," I promised, brushing her golden locks out of her face.
I carefully moved her so I could get off the bed. I looked over at the old crib that was still in her room, only now, it was filled with her few stuffed toys and old baby clothes.
"You were singing," Darry noted as I quietly walked into the kitchen. I spun around, momentarily frightened.
"What is it with people and sneaking up on me tonight?" I snapped, then smiled. "But yea, Pepsi asked me to sing to her."
"You know, you really do have one hell of a voice," Darry said softly. "I see what Soda meant."
"What do you mean?" I asked. Soda never mentioned anything to me about it.
"You really can make someone feel special just by singing," he shrugged. "I see why he loved your voice."
"Why he loves," I corrected. "We can stop talking about him in the past tense."
"You're right," Darry nodded. "You want anything?"
"Naw, I gotta get up in the morning, it's late. You should stay. I know Pony's not going nowhere tonight, and we've got the spare bed in the other bedroom still," I offered.
"That sounds just fine," he nodded, stifling a yawn. "Good night Jo."
"Night Darry. Sweet dreams," I said before turning off the television and making my way back to my room. Soda's old jacket was still thrown over the edge of the bed, just as it was all those years ago. That night, I decided to move it for the first time. I pulled it close, wrapping it around my body, letting the dull, barely there, scent of my will be husband lull me to sleep.
My last thought was "Welcome home, baby." As I drifted into a restless, dreamless sleep.