Fears and Regrets
A.N: I know I've got another fic out there and I know I promised I'd upload another chapter for it (BTWubs, I've got one in the works as we, well I, speak, or is it write? hmm…) but this was nagging me and I HAD to write it. so yah.
Disclaimer Note: No, I don't own NCIS and yes, I wish I did. I can only take credit for the plot and my twisted mind that wishes Tibbs would finally happen….
Warning: This is a slash story of the Tony/Gibbs variety. If that doesn't float your boat then just leave now because life is too short to be upset about stuff you read on the internet. Also, my first slash story (that I posted anyway) so be gentle please. Since it's my first stab at it, I doubt it's gonna be all inapropro, but that may change so keep an open mind :) LOVE!
Now, ON WITH THE PLOT!
The rain was coming down hard. Harder than it ever has before. Harder even than the night Kate died. It was almost like the sky was trying to wash away all the pain and horror that had taken place just hours ago.
He tried not to think about it, about everything that had gone so completely wrong, about what could have happened had he been there, by his side, where he was supposed to be.
"Tony!"
Gibbs clenched his eyes shut. He didn't want to think about it, about what had happened.
"NO! Tony!"
Growling low in his throat, Gibbs pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, hard, trying desperately to hold back tears. Emotions were rushing through him, swirling around and around with seemingly no end. He didn't want to think about this. He really didn't. But his mind had another plan.
*Flashback*
Gibbs was running. Fast. Faster than he'd ever run in his life.
He needed to be there, with Tony, now. Or else…he didn't want to think about that.
As he turned the corner running straight into the firefight, he saw Tony and Fornell's team in the alley behind dumpsters, shooting at the suspects. Gibbs quickly made his way to his SFA, his partner, his friend, his maybe 'something more'.
Gibbs shook his head. He needed to be in the now, not somewhere else thinking of maybe's and coulda shoulda been's.
"Tony." The green eyes flicked up to meet his own blue. A wide grin spread across his face.
"Heya Boss! Bout time ya' got here."
Gibbs chuckled. "Was kinda busy, DiNozzo."
Tony smiled and Gibbs felt his insides melt. God, he had a beautiful smile.
A bullet suddenly grazed Gibbs' left shoulder, just barely missing his chest. Gibbs hissed and dropped to his knees behind the dumpster for cover, his hand flying up to press into the cut.
Tony's eyes went wide as he spun around on his knees in front of his boss. "Boss! God, are you okay? Are you hurt?"
Gibbs clenched his jaw and shook his head. "Fine, DiNozzo." Gibbs grunted.
Tony narrowed his eyes but didn't say anything. The bullets kept flying and Tony kept shooting, trying to distract the suspects. Tony managed to kill one of them leaving only two left. Gibbs could see the desperation in their eyes as they watched their friends die around them.
"Fornell!" Tony shouted over the craziness. Gibbs watched his long-time friend jerk his head up at DiNozzo. "We need to distract them, get them to move so we can have an advantage." Tobias nodded his agreement. Tony immediately started speaking into his ear wig.
"McGee, Ziva, make sure the surveillance van is ready to go. We've got 'em cornered and are ready to take 'em in." Gibbs heard his other agents comply through the line as the car started up, moving toward their position. This was it, the big finish. They had the suspects, now it was only a matter of if they could bring them in.
Suddenly, Fornell stood up, hands raised, showing he was unarmed. "I'm Tobias Fornell, FBI. We've got you surrounded. Drop your weapons and give up. This will only be harder on you if you don't."
They seemed to comply, so Gibbs stood and walked over with Fornell to cuff them. "Tobias." Gibbs acknowledged.
Fornell tipped his head. "Jethro."
That was when it happened. That was when Tony saw it. The flash of silver out of the corner of his eye. The gun that was pointed straight at his Boss.
"BOSS! SHOOTER!" Tony shouted seconds before tackling Gibbs to the ground just as the sound of a gun firing sounded throughout the alley.
Fornell's team took down the third shooter and cuffed them all. Gibbs slowly sat up, mentally checking himself for injury. He realized he couldn't move and a few seconds later he realized why.
Tony's lean, 6'3" frame was draped over his own. Gibbs immediately felt his chest contract. Tony wasn't moving. Hell, he wasn't even breathing.
"Tony?"
There was no response.
Gibbs was starting to panic. No. God please no!
Gibbs gently pushed Tony off of himself and turned him onto his back. That was when he noticed the blood. So much blood, pouring from a bullet hole right in the center of his chest. His entire chest was coated in the dark red liquid, soaking through his expensive, white, button up shirt.
"Tony!" Gibbs pressed his hands into the wound, trying desperately to stave off the bleeding. Tony's eyes were wide, scared as his breath stuttered and shook. The green orbs, unusually bright, flickered to Gibbs' face and locked onto his ice blue eyes.
"Bo—sssss." Tony hissed through the pain. He suddenly started hacking, his chest convulsing and body arching as his lungs had trouble taking in air. Gibbs suddenly felt sick.
"Tony, it's gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine." Gibbs' voice shook a little. Dammit, his agent was dying.
Tony smiled lopsidedly. "Liar." He whispered, eyes fluttering closed.
Gibbs felt his breath hitch. God Tony, no. "Tony! Keep your eyes open! Come on, DiNozzo!" Tony moaned and lifted his eyelids partly open.
"Hurts, Boss. So much." Tony gasped as he coughed violently again. Blood dripped out the side of his mouth and down his cheek.
Gibbs swallowed back the emotion. "I know, Tony. God, I know."
Tony gasped and his body shook, his vision tunneling.
Gibbs leaned down and whispered into his ear. "Tony, don't you dare die on me! You hear me, Tony! Don't die on me, not now, not ever. You don't have my permission. You got me?" He felt Tony nod his head.
"I got—tcha, Boss."
Gibbs squeezed his eyes shut hard when everything started to get a bit fuzzy. When he opened them again, Tony's eyes were wide and he was staring at him like he'd never seen him clearly before.
"Boss?" Tony's voice was raspy. "Are you…crying?"
Gibbs swallowed hard and didn't answer.
Tony shook his head. "Why? Why cry…for me?"
Anger suddenly boiled up inside of him. Tony really couldn't see how much they cared about him? How much he cared about him? Loved him, even?
Gibbs sighed and looked up for a moment. When he looked back at his friend, he could see the honest curiosity in his eyes, which somehow only made him angrier.
"Because I care, DiNozzo. Always have." Gibbs nearly whispered.
Tony smiled a soft smile that made him seem year younger.
"Always knew ya' cared, Boss. Knew it." Tony mumbled before succumbing to unconsciousness.
"Tony?" Gibbs checked his pulse. It was slow. Way too slow. "Tony!" He watched in horror as his agent's chest stuttered and then stopped moving all together.
"NO! Tony!"
*End Flashback*
Salty, hot tears were rolling down Gibbs' face, but he didn't care. He should have been there. He should have seen the shooter. He shouldn't have let Tony get shot, saving his life.
The last he'd heard from his agent, he was in ICU, critical. He came back to the office to clear his head and get outta that damn hospital. Abby had been disappointed in him and Ducky had frowned, but he knew he couldn't stand another minute of that torture.
Of waiting for news that he may or may not like. Of sitting on the hard plastic chairs or pacing the small space. Of drinking horrid slush that didn't even qualify as coffee. Of simply not knowing.
Not knowing if Tony was dead or alive, okay or not okay, going to recover or never going to be the same again.
These were all things that were eating at Gibbs, making the guilt worse, making the pain tenfold, making the fear intensify.
If he lost the younger man, Gibbs knew he'd never be the same again. He would be able to recover from something like that.
Gibbs jumped when his cell phone rang loudly in the silent bullpen. He immediately picked it up and answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
"Gibbs."
"Jethro." Gibbs tensed. Ducky sounded tired. Really tired. And sad. Too sad. Oh God. Something bad had happened. Gibbs knew it. Tony wasn't okay, his heart stopped during surgery, he lost too much blood, they couldn't bring him back, he didn't make it.
"Anthony's out of surgery." Ducky's voice brought Gibbs out of his spiral of thoughts and fears.
He jumped out of his seat. "He okay?" Gibbs was almost afraid to ask.
"Yes, he is awake and fine. The doctors feel he will make a full recovery."
Gibbs closed his eyes and sighed in relief. He's okay. He's fine. He's alive.
"Can I see him." Gibbs immediately grabbed his gun and badge and started making his way for the elevator. Gibbs paused. On second thought, the stairs were faster.
"Jethro, that may not be a good idea…" Gibbs was jogging down the three flights of stairs that would lead him to the parking garage.
"Why not, Duck?" Gibbs slammed his shoulder into the door and walked quickly to his car, starting it the minute he sat down and tearing out of the garage for Bethesda. He'd be damned if he wasn't going to see his agent now.
Ducky sighed. "They gave him a rather strong sedative so he may not wake. And he needs his rest. Also, Jethro, you may not like what you see." The last part was spoken quietly, but Gibbs caught it.
His knuckles were white on the steering wheel as his fingers clenched harder. "Duck?"
"Jethro, the boy has just been through a huge ordeal. He barely made it out alive. He is going to look a little rough around the edges, as you may say, for a while I'm sure."
Gibbs clenched his jaw as he screeched into Bethesda parking lot and practically ran for the recovery center. "I can handle it Duck. I'm a big boy."
"Yes of course, dear boy. But what of your feelings for the young man. You can't hide them forever, and I'm quite afraid you will let your emotions rule how you treat his recovery."
Gibbs froze as he walked into the waiting room. What? Ducky knew? But how….was he really that obvious? Gibbs growled in frustration. "I'll see ya' soon, Duck." Then he hung up. He would deal with that conversation later. For now, he needed to see Tony.
He walked right up to the nurses' station. "Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."
The nurse looked up lazily. "Name?"
Gibbs growled. "Special Agent Gibbs. I'm Agent DiNozzo's medical proxy and next of kin."
The nurse sighed and clicked a few keys on the keyboard. "Room 312. He just got out of surgery."
Gibbs nodded and ran off for the room. He took a deep breath and slowly pushed it open, feeling his breath catch and his heart contract at the sight of his agent connected to endless tubes laying in the small bed.
"Tony." Gibbs sighed. "God, I'm so sorry."
TBC
A.N. I actually don't know what just happened or where this is going by any means, so please don't judge! This plot bunny just hit me the other day and for now I've decided I'm just gonna roll with it and see where it takes me…..LOVE!
p.s. I'll give virtual cookies to whomever decides to review this!
p.p.s I feel there aren't enough tibbs lovers and writers out there. Anyone else agree that there is WAY too much Tiva? I mean, I love it and all, but it's a little overkill ya know?
Anyway, bye for reals! :)