Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "…To Be Loved" by Papa Roach (this episode only)
SEASON 1
EPISODE 11
Airdate: February 10, 2013
Title: The Love That Sucks
Homage To Classic TV: None (Where In The World Is Hooper? parody instead)
Special Guest Stars: None
Satire: None
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Valentine's Day isn't that far away now. Sparky and Wade are making valentines which they'll give to various people.)
WADE: Are you done with that list?
SPARKY: Hold on a minute. Here.
(Wade reads the list, which is pretty long)
WADE: Sparky, we're giving valentines to all these people?
SPARKY: Yeah, you know we do that every year. What's the prob?
WADE: Most of these people we don't hang out with, or even know. Look at this. Halley Vidal? No one in this group talks to her.
(voice replaced with audio clip of Joe Jonas) SPARKY: Dad, where is it written that pizza always has to taste GOOD?
(Wade is bewildered)
(voice replaced with audio clip of Kevin Jonas) SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER: Picarillo's is environmentally-friendly. Their slogan? "We use all the stuff the other people throw out."
(Sparky throws his hands up in the air so Wade can get the point, and Wade starts sweating)
WADE: SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP, YOU WITCH!
SPARKY: Wade, what are you talking about?
WADE: Oh sorry. I've been watching JONAS every night for the past month and….that show's been taking over my brain. But anyway, pizza DOES have to taste good, Sparky. IT DOES!
(Wade shrugs)
SPARKY: OK? Anyway, there's a good reason Halley's on that list.
WADE: You have such a hot crush on her, don't you?
SPARKY: No, I don't. Maybe the fact that she's so mysterious…and innocent…..and that cute Alyssa Milano-type Brooklyn accent she has…..oh, help me, Halley…
(Wade raises his eyebrow)
SPARKY: That doesn't prove anything! I have little crushes on every girl in the class, and Halley is nothing special. Besides, I think she likes me.
WADE: Why would Halley like YOU? Not that you're not awesome or anything, but why you?
SPARKY: Because of what happened yesterday right before dismissal…..
We cutaway to the day before. Sparky is opening his locker.
SPARKY: The hell?
There's a bouquet of roses and a box of French chocolates inside. There's also a note.
SPARKY: "I hope you've realized how I feel about you. You're really cool and I'm kind of attracted to you. Let's meet up sometime before Valentine's Day, and I'll show you how much we're meant to be together. Signed, Your Secret Admirer." (imitating some stupid car thing from the Kids Unlimited commercial) Cool!
WADE: But how do you know it's Halley?
SPARKY: Because we're honestly the most compatible in class. She doesn't talk to many guys and she usually tells me about things in her life. Besides, she said I'm like her brother.
WADE: Yeah. A brother, not a lover.
SPARKY: Look, just because you still carry the torch for Sanna, doesn't mean you can criticize Halley's feelings for me.
WADE: I don't carry the torch for Sanna anymore. It's out. Well, actually, it's on hold.
(Sparky raises his eyebrow)
WADE: See, I have a 15-year plan. Sanna and I go our separate ways. I become a Poet Laureate, a scientist or an astrophysicist while she marries a vacuous hunk and has six vacuous kids. It's not working out, but the sex is so good Sanna's reluctant to get a divorce.
SPARKY: This sounds REALLY familiar.
WADE: Finally, she can't take it anymore. There's a bitter divorce that leaves her shattered, divorced, and craving coffee. She walks into a Dunkin' Donuts, and there I am enjoying a vanilla donut with sprinkles.
(Sparky raises his eyebrow again)
WADE: She wipes the frosting off my nose and we fall hopelessly in love. We get married, I adopt Sanna's six kids, they all call me "Pops," I discover the cure for the common cold and I get to see her rocking body every night for the rest of my life.
(long pause)
SPARKY: Sanna doesn't have a BODY. And you got that whole speech from Who's The Boss?
WADE: At least I changed Chock full o'Nuts to Dunkin' Donuts. And it's a 15-year plan.
SPARKY: Good luck with that. But this list is great. Everyone in our class gets a valentine.
WADE: You like people too much. You and Buster.
SPARKY: Well, it's a two-way street. People like us.
WADE: To you, Sparky. Buster likes people, but they don't like him. And I bet you he's going to try and make Kaily his valentine.
SPARKY: I think it's sweet. True love dictates it'll happen.
WADE: I just don't want Buster to get crushed. He should know Kaily isn't into him.
(Buster comes in, singing)
BUSTER: I'm so beautiful…..to me.
SPARKY: What's new, Buster?
BUSTER: Just preparing for Valentine's Day. That's the day Kaily falls in love with me.
WADE: LOVE?! You're eight years old, you don't know what love is!
BUSTER: You're seven years old. And at least I'm not coming up with a 15-year plan from a TV show that involves six kids and powdered donuts!
WADE: IT'S (BLEEP) VANILLA WITH SPRINKLES!
SPARKY: How does this solve ANYTHING?
BUSTER: Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys. It's high time I get serious with Kaily.
WADE: What? Getting serious…..
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: WADE!
WADE: I'll shut up.
BUSTER: All this time, she's known how I feel and never really cared. But this is a time for love and time for change. I need a woman in my life.
SPARKY: So, what are you going to do?
BUSTER: Write a romantic poem. See you guys later.
(Buster leaves and sees RK)
BUSTER: Hey RK, happy early Valen…Don't kiss me.
RK: Hey dudes.
SPARKY AND WADE: Hey RK.
RK: So what got my little cherub so excited?
SPARKY: He's going to try and make Kaily his valentine.
WADE: Sparky…
RK: Kaily. Kaily Chavez?
SPARKY: Yup.
WADE: Sparky…
RK: Kaily Chavez, as in the star midfielder on the school soccer team?
SPARKY: That's the…..
(Wade elbows Sparky hard in the gut)
SPARKY: To quote Buster, science dammit!
WADE: RK, don't do anything to jeopardize this for Buster. He really likes Kaily and he has to learn something from this himself.
RK: No, it's OK. I know Kaily is attracted to him.
(long pause)
(closes his eyes) WADE: What?
JIM ROSS: WHAT?!
TAZZ: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
RK: Yes, I've been dreading this day. Valentine's Day is when the soul realizes who it belongs to and who it wants. On that day, Kaily and Buster will realize their burning passion for each other and have an intense make-out session at the park.
SPARKY: RK, I don't think…
RK: Don't worry, Sparko. It's fine. I'm not jealous yet. A little competition for a man never hurt. Sure Buster could've picked me to be his valentine, but whatever.
WADE: Competition? RK, Kaily doesn't like Buster.
RK: Wade, you and I both know girls are private, intriguing creatures. They don't open up their feelings about guys like that. And even if they do, they lie to throw you off the path. Like Beyoncé.
We cutaway to Beyoncé with a bunch of reporters around a cherry tree.
REPORTER: Beyoncé, did you REALLY chop down that cherry tree?
BEYONCE: No. I had a lumberjack help.
REPORTER: Could you chop down THAT cherry tree?
BEYONCE: Yeah, of course.
(In fifteen seconds, Beyoncé chops down the cherry tree right next to the other while singing the national anthem real quick.)
REPORTER: Wow. (long pause) Could you chop down MY cherry tree that fast?
WADE: RK, Kaily's not lying. She thinks Buster is sweet and kind of funny, but he's just not the type of boy she wants.
RK: Wade, who was the one that Sanna told first about her not liking you and to leave her alone?
WADE: You.
RK: I'm sorry, what?
WADE: YOU, RK!
RK: See? Sanna trusted only me with that information because we're great friends.
WADE: She sees you as slightly amusing, but she hates you because of how you treat her and you bring up issues from the past repeatedly.
RK: Boy, you should be on a talk show, huh? Dr. Phil, make way for Dr. Saltalamacchia, the human bastard!
WADE: Dude, seriously, (bleep) you.
SPARKY: RK, I really don't think Kaily likes Buster. She doesn't show any romantic interest.
RK: Ah, she probably doesn't want to scare him off or turn him into a cling by showing him affection. Make him work for it. Don't worry, Sparks. I'll talk to ol' Kail tomorrow and ask her to just ease up so now it can be a fair fight.
(long pause)
WADE: RK, I honestly believe that one day you and Buster should be tested.
SCENE 2
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: What can I write? This is Kaily Chavez we're talking about here. Best player on the iCarly Elementary School soccer team. Hottest girl in school. She deserves something from the heart, yet not too mushy.
("Any Kind Of Guy" by Big Time Rush playing in the background)
Buster is thinking of a great love poem he can write for Kaily. He wears a Shawn Michaels T-shirt for inspiration and begins writing. He must've blown through 50 sheets of paper. He then reads "Buy motor oil" on one of the sheets and thinks it's good, but remembers that Martha Speaks beat him to it. Eventually, he uses a card with pink paper and starts writing something down. He then uses a glitter pen to make it look pretty, but stays away from crafts because of what happened to Truman on Martha Speaks that one time. The card says "I Will Love You Forever, Kaily" on the front and there's a drawing of the two jogging together.
KENDALL: Bring it back.
The song reminds Buster he has to write something on the back. He writes ©2013 PICKLES BROTHERS, INC.
BUSTER: Kaily will be breaking down my door after this.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Mr. Appleyard's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
MR. APPLEYARD: And remember, one rule of the Yard as I call it, is respect. Respect can go a long way. Respect is a two-way street in and of itself. You respect me, I'll respect you.
(bell rings and the students pack up)
SPARKY: Halley?
HALLEY: Oh, hi Sparky.
(the two have a nice little hug)
SPARKY: Is there anything, or ANYBODY you admire secretly?
(confused) HALLEY: No.
SPARKY: Well, of course there is. You know about the flowers and chocolate.
(Halley's eyes widen)
HALLEY: What flowers and chocolate?
SPARKY: Those beautiful roses and French chocolates you put in my locker.
HALLEY: Sparky, why would I put that stuff in your locker? HOW would I put that stuff in your locker? I'm not that mushy, lovey-dovey kind of girl. I'm hard-ass and a little innocent. Besides, I don't like you.
SPARKY: Really?
HALLEY: Of course I don't. You're like my brother. I can tell you anything and you'll help me. But nothing romantic.
SPARKY: Well, OK.
HALLEY: I'll see you at lunch.
(Halley leaves, while Sparky walks in another direction)
SPARKY: I can't believe this. It wasn't Halley. Well, I'm GOING to find out! Some girl out there finds all of THIS attractive. I can't give up now. That would be like Buster not carrying out his stupid plans.
(Buster is clipping his fingernails. There's a whole bunch of fingernails on the table next to him.)
RK: Buster, I don't mean to pry, but what are you doing?
BUSTER: Trading fingernails for cash. More than half of these fingernails aren't even mine. And I hear the website gives you more money for toenails.
RK: Buster, that's not real. It was just a bit from Family Guy.
BUSTER: Dude, seriously?
RK: Yeah, seriously. Why the hell would a company give you money so they can make a fort with your filthy nails? I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts for a cruller. Later.
(RK leaves the place)
(long pause)
BUSTER: SCIENCE DAMMIT!
SCENE 4
Ken Griffey Jr. Park
Interior Interior
Seattle, Washington
RK: I'm so glad I was able to find out where Kaily is after school. Apparently, she doesn't have soccer practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Damn, it's going to be hard to find her.
(there are plenty of kids out today)
RK: How will I be able to see her with all these kids around?
(Kaily is behind RK)
RK: It's going to take some Holmes-esque deduction, and quick thinking, but I think I can…
KAILY: RK?
RK: GAAAAHHHH! Oh, it's just you, Kaily.
KAILY: What are you doing here? You always said you hated the park.
RK: Well, I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I would use the park as an…..Optimum hotspot….and…..play Boggle on my Kindle Fire.
KAILY: That doesn't make any sense. You could always…
RK: IT DOES TOO, BITCH! Sorry. Really, really sorry. So, I've heard you've got it bad for Buster.
KAILY: Well, you must've heard wrong because I don't like him. Well, not as in anything but a friend.
(RK grabs his nose like he's wearing glasses)
RK: OK. Look, kid…
KAILY: I have a name.
RK: Right. Look, Kaily kid, we both have major crushes on Buster. But we both need to realize that there is a competition, and only one can win. So I agree to fight for Buster peacefully with you.
KAILY: Are you an idiot? No, wait, you're an idiot. This is more stupid than the time you asked me to be your beard for Travis.
RK and Kaily are together waiting for Travis to come, and he turns the corner. Showtime.
RK: Oh, I'm so happy to love you.
KAILY: I wish to do so many things to you.
(RK dips Kaily and kisses her with his eyes open)
TRAVIS: Whoa, guys, keep the PDA to a minimum. OK?
(Travis leaves, and RK vomits)
RK: That was so hot.
KAILY: Shut up.
RK: Yes, Kaily.
RK: Well, you were terrible. And Sanna's my beard now and a much better kisser so don't worry about it anymore.
KAILY: You KNOW you liked it.
(RK cocks his head a bit like AJ)
RK: Excuse me, what?
KAILY: RK, you and I both know that you like Buster. But who knows? Maybe you don't want me chasing Buster because you want ME.
(RK has a bored expression and sighs)
RK: OK, Kaily. I can see you're being totally stubborn and retarded right now…..
KAILY: Don't say retarded. It's offensive.
RK: Anti-bully?
KAILY: Anti-bully.
RK: Anyway, you're getting the absolute opposite of what I'm saying. So (gulps and starts inhaling/exhaling) I'm going to do this…
(RK starts kissing Kaily. She doesn't seem to mind, and even puts her arms around his back. For five seconds. After that, she pushes him away and slaps him.)
KAILY: WHAT THE (BLEEP) WAS THAT?!
RK: You're telling ME. You were enjoying it. That wasn't the point. Actually, it WAS the point.
KAILY: What was the point?
RK: Don't you see? By kissing you, I removed all of the feelings you have for me. Look, I get it, I'm an attractive dude, but we can't let your feelings get in the way of competition. Buster is the key here. He's the object of our affections.
KAILY: DUDE, YOU ARE SO (BLEEP) STUPID!
RK: Thank you. Let the games begin, Kail.
(RK leaves the park)
RK: By the way, that kiss was actually pretty good.
KAILY: Well, you were good too.
RK: Thanks.
(the two smile at each other, and RK leaves the park)
SCENE 5
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Wade is packing some bags with his belongings)
WADE: Everything I do…I do it for you.
(Sparky pounds on the door, and Wade opens it)
WADE: Dude, what the f?
SPARKY: I need your help. I have to figure out who gave me these flowers and chocolates.
WADE: How?
SPARKY: Fingerprints and handwriting tests. Come on, will you do it?
(extremely long pause, about 10 seconds)
WADE: OK.
SCENE 6
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade is wearing a lab coat and goggles. He also has a list of suspects on the wall, and a huge magnifying glass.
SPARKY: So what did you get?
WADE: I'm almost close to figuring this out. Whoever it is, they have great handwriting. Almost like they PAID someone to do it.
SPARKY: Ain't nobody got time for that! I need ANSWERS!
WADE: Why do you care so much anyway? Halley already told you she didn't do it.
SPARKY: This isn't about Halley! It's about the truth! News flash, Wade, this just in, stop the presses, on Page Six, late city final…
WADE: JUST GET ON WITH IT!
SPARKY: Sorry. Anyway, girls only mean half the things they say. Maybe Sanna doesn't like you NOW even as a friend, but what's to say you guys won't hook up in four months?
WADE: You really think so?
(rapid-fire) SPARKY: NO!
WADE: Sparky, it's about Halley. Admit it. You like her. And she might like you.
SPARKY: OK, maybe I DO have SOME feelings for Halley. But it feels weird. I always thought our idea of a date night on Fridays was playing street hockey at the parking lot of a Taco Bell somewhere.
WADE: I've got it.
(long pause)
SPARKY: Well then, who?
WADE: It's Halley.
(long pause)
SPARKY: YES! I mean, oh, that's kewl. So kewl.
WADE: You know you want to celebrate.
SPARKY: I do. WOOOOOOO! (Sparky does Santino Marella's trombone dance) Our first date is going to be SO sweet. I'm gonna…
WADE: Hold up, Sparko. Halley is the most mysterious person in the fourth grade. Even though it IS her, she might not be ready to admit her feelings yet. Give it time. But make sure you do it before Valentine's Day.
SPARKY: OK, Wade. I'll give it time. Until tomorrow when I beat the truth out of her like a drum.
(Wade sighs)
SPARKY: So are you going out-of-town? I noticed the suitcase.
WADE: Yes, I am. To Chicago!
SPARKY: Chicago. Home of the oldest stadium in the NFL and the team that can never win the pennant, Chicago?
WADE: Even in 2013, that Cubs joke never gets old. Yes, I'm going there for Valentine's Day.
SPARKY: What in the world does Chicago have to do with that?
WADE: You know the St. Valentine's Day Massacre?
SPARKY: Oh yeah, I do. A gang led by Al Capone killed five members of the North Side Gang and two other guys.
WADE: Well, it's the one thing I never got to learn very well. I'm taking a tour of the same spot where it happened on Valentine's Day. But before that, I thought I'd be a little rascal, miss some days of school, and see what else Chicago has to offer other than sports.
(Wade and Sparky stare at each other with bored looks, then start laughing)
WADE: Don't worry, I'm visiting the United Center, Wrigley Field, U.S. Cellular Field, and Soldier Field. But I DO want to see what else that city has.
SPARKY: Well, when do you leave?
WADE: Tomorrow afternoon.
SPARKY: Well, I'll see you next week.
(Sparky hugs Wade)
SPARKY: I love you, man.
WADE: Ah, you're just saying that.
SPARKY: No, I do.
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("Love Struck" by V-Factory playing on the computer)
RK is lying down on the sofa, thinking about Buster. Meanwhile, KG comes in.
KG: What up, brother?
RK: What up?
KG: Who's gonna be your valentine this year? Buster again?
RK: Yup. This year, I just hope he sees how much I want to be with him.
KG: Ah, people come around eventually. Besides, it takes a while for people to accept things than it would for others. Remember you and that day at the grocery store?
RK: Oh yeah. I found out what Flowers Foods did to Hostess products.
We see RK a couple weeks ago, at the grocery store. He's approaching the packed desserts section that Hostess used to rule, now bought out by Flowers Foods.
(singing) RK: Streaks on the china, never mattered before, who cares? When you dropkicked your jacket, as you came through the door, no one glared. But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared….
(RK passes the dessert section)
RK: All hands look out below, there's a change in the status quo…
(RK notices the change in the status quo of dessert and takes a closer look. He notices that Blue Bird Bakeries, a subsidiary of Flowers Foods, is now calling the Twinkies Bingles.)
RK: WHAT?! WHAT?!
(The screen goes black and we see in white letters, "One hour later.")
WADE: RK's in prison!
SPARKY: What the hell did he do?
WADE: He destroyed every dessert at QFC and burned down a liquor store.
BUSTER: Why would he do that?
WADE: He found out who bought Hostess Brands.
KG: Well, you'll get that kid someday. I'll be upstairs if you need me.
RK: Kay.
(Buster comes in)
BUSTER: So, you want me to be your valentine?
RK: Yes. Every waking moment!
BUSTER: Well, fugheddaboutit.
RK: Why?
BUSTER: RK Jennings, how many times do I have to say it? I AM NOT GAY! I cannot go out with you under ANY circumstances. Besides, it seems like you'd prefer Kaily over ME.
RK: Why would I choose gross old Kaily Chavez over you?
BUSTER: She told me you guys kissed!
RK: What? OK, we did. But we did it so Kaily could stop being hopelessly in love with me, and we can compete for you fairly.
BUSTER: COMPETE?! COMPETE?!
RK: Yes, Buster. When you compete (the word "compete" shows up on the screen), you're challenging someone for a certain thing, or in some cases, a person.
BUSTER: I KNOW WHAT COMPETE MEANS! That's it. I'm putting an end to this garbage. Kaily "Demetria Lopez" Chavez is going to be my valentine this Valentine's Day, and if you DARE interfere, I swear to science I'll kill you where you stand.
(Buster slams the door and leaves)
RK: Looks like I have no choice. I'm going to have to kill Kaily.
(thunder claps and lightning strikes outside)
(A bunch of ants carry cutouts of Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade while a band version of the PBS Kids theme plays)
WOMAN: PBS Kids!
(We see RK in front of a blue sky)
RK: Hi, it's me. RK! Can you guess where I am today?
(pictures are shown of RK in various places, such as the supermarket, the fire department, the police station, and a gay bar)
SINGING LADIES: Where is he going? What will he do? Where in the world is RK?
(We then see the words "Where In The World Is RK?" while a PBS Kids flag sits on a mountain.)
RK: My first hint is that I'm in a place where sports are played.
(RK hears the crack of a bat)
RK: Does that give you the answer?
(long pause)
RK: No? OK, another hint is that I'm in a place where you call people over to hand you food. Yo, Marti! Hot dogs over here!
(Marti starts walking towards RK)
RK: Does that give you the answer?
(long pause)
RK: Still no? OK, here's the last hint from Arthur.
FRANCINE: Come on, Lefty! Only one more strike to go!
RK: Well, there are your three hints. Sports are played here, you call vendors over for food, and people often show support for a team by wearing caps. Still not getting it? I'm at Safeco Field, home of MLB's Seattle Mariners!
ANNOUNCER: And the final score, the Houston Astros 9, the Seattle Mariners 2.
RK: Damn.
(instrumental version of the Where In The World Is Hooper? theme playing to lead us out, with a link to the PBS Kids website)
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(imitating Daniel Bryan) SPARKY: NO! NO! NOOO!
RK: Come on Sparks, help a friend out.
SPARKY: NO, RK. I am NOT helping you kill Kaily, and I'm NOT getting involved.
RK: But it's such a great plan. You distract Kaily with that story about the old man sucking brownies through a straw, while I fire at her head with a sniper rifle from a far distance.
SPARKY: RK, this is such a stupid idea. Hell, I'm not even convinced you'll kill her. Either you'll chicken out or you'll fail.
RK: You just don't know what it likes to have love enter your life.
SPARKY: Yes, I do. And her name is Halley….
RK: Rose Vidal. I get it. You've told me 100 times, including…
(RK gets a giant chalkboard and adds another tally)
RK: Now. This makes 101.
SPARKY: You've actually marked down all the times I've told you about my feelings for Halley?
RK: Yes.
SPARKY: In the words of Sanna, why?
RK: Because I knew you'd go overboard and the most I could do is keep track. Besides, Halley will NEVER tell you how she feels. She's more mysterious than Rey Mysterio wearing T-shirts.
(RK shows up in front of a black screen)
RK: HA! WATCH!
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
JULIO: Look, do you like Sparky or not?
HALLEY: Yeah, I really do have feelings for him. I feel like he's the perfect guy for me.
JULIO: Then ask him out already. You're making him look like an idiot by having him think you're not into him.
HALLEY: I don't want to ruin our friendship. If we end up dating and it doesn't work out, things will be awkward between us.
SPARKY: Well, well, well. Halley, you not only want to deny you like me, but now you're using Julio as a cover.
JULIO: Cover? Sparky, I'll beat ya ass.
SPARKY: Oh yeah? Then do it.
JULIO: Shoot, that's a block on my fight.
HALLEY: Julio, wait for me by the water fountain.
JULIO: OK, but this kid better understand not to play games with me.
(Julio leaves)
HALLEY: What the (bleep) is wrong with you, Sparky? I didn't give you flowers, chocolate, or notes, or any hint that I'm interested in you. And now you're pushing me away as a friend too. You're getting on Julio's ass for nothing.
SPARKY: Well, he had it coming.
HALLEY: You don't know me at all anymore!
(Halley leaves while Sparky has his head down)
("Got Dynamite" by Demi Lovato playing in the background)
Scenes are shown of Sparky, Buster, and RK going through their various romance tales. Sparky looks through Facebook pictures he took with Halley, then remembers something Will said about them being the perfect couple. Buster is hanging out with Kaily even more than usual, and they seem to enjoy their time together. They even watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles even though Kaily doesn't like the show (she thinks Michelangelo is adorable, though). RK is looking up various firearms and machineguns. He starts to realize what he's doing is wrong, and watches the Family Matters episode where Laura gets robbed by a gang and considers buying a gun to protect herself.
RK: Damn. What am I doing? Shooting Kaily is wrong. Did I forget about Sandy Hook?
Minutes later, we see RK at Knife King Kerry.
RK: Do you have a blade that could puncture a couple organs?
Halley is also thinking. She looks at a letter Sparky wrote her about how awesome a friend she is, and then starts writing something on a yellow paper with blue pen.
SCENE 10
2122 N. Clark Street
Exterior Exterior
Chicago, Illinois
TOUR GUIDE: And this is where the garage was where the massacre took place.
WADE: Wow? What the hell happened to it?
TOUR GUIDE: It was demolished in 1967 and now it's a parking lot for this nursing home.
WADE: Sir, what led up to this massacre anyway?
TOUR GUIDE: Well, in 1929, two gangs ruled Chicago: The South Side Italian gang led by Al Capone, and the North Side Irish gang led by Bugs Moran. Only some members of the North Side, including Moran, were supposed to die, so a plan was set up where the South Side would get whiskey supplied to them from a gang in Detroit. However, almost every member was killed. Moran escaped death and was actually able to still control Chicago to some extent.
WADE: Wow, I'm so glad I took a self-imposed break for this.
TOUR GUIDE: You're lucky, kid for scheduling this months in advance. Then again, you didn't need to. Most guys have girlies with them on Valentine's Day.
WADE: I have a girlie.
TOUR GUIDE: Who? Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend?
WADE: Ha, ha, very funny. No, I have Alyssa Milano.
TOUR GUIDE: Mm-hmm. Yes, and the Cubs are World Series favorites.
WADE: Ha-ha, yeah, real funny, man for thinking you're gonna ask out Maria. But you won't. The Jonas Book of Law forbids it!
TOUR GUIDE: Kid, are you OK?
WADE: Yeah, it's just that JONAS took over my mind. Actually, it's been happening for the past month.
TOUR GUIDE: OK. And how can someone as lovely as Alyssa Milano be your valentine? She's not even here.
WADE: On Twitter she is. On my iPhone. (Wade chuckles while the man groans) Oh, my Brooklyn sugar cube sweetheart cupcake boo-boo tweeted she wants baseball back. Oh, don't worry, angel, it'll come back in April.
TOUR GUIDE: And I thought Eric B. and Rakim were weird.
SCENE 11
Ken Griffey Jr. Park
Interior Picnic Table
Seattle, Washington
Buster is having lunch with Kaily and hoping love conquers all. Meanwhile, RK is in a tree, planning to shoot Kaily with a sniper rifle. It's not a gun of any kind, so it's OK. He's dressed in camouflage and wearing a Big Time Rush-style tree hat.
(speaking to someone via walkie-talkie) RK: CM Punk to The Shield, in position right now. Come in, Shield.
(on the other line) SANNA: These codenames are stupid. Why can't we use Harry to Zayn instead?
RK: SANNA, ONE DIRECTION IS GAY! And even then, these names kick ass.
SANNA: Why did I agree to this?
RK: Because you're my best friend.
SANNA: No, because I pity you and helping you do retarded stuff like this keeps you happy.
RK: Wait, if that's the case, why did you ask why you're doing this?
SANNA: It's a rhetorical question, dumbass.
RK: Sanna, this isn't time for name-calling! Do you see Kaily? Over.
SANNA: Yes, I see Kaily. Wait 90 seconds to shoot.
(long pause)
SANNA: RK, I told you I see Kaily!
RK: Sorry, Sanna, I couldn't hear what you said, over.
(Sanna realizes that she has to say "over" at the end of each statement or else RK will pretend he didn't hear anything)
SANNA: I said I see Kaily and to wait 90 seconds to shoot…..over.
RK: Copy that, Shield. Over.
SANNA: Why?
RK: I'm sorry, Sanna, did you say something? Over.
(Sanna groans loudly, away from the walkie-talkie)
BUSTER: And Michelangelo was totally right. There were a million better names than the Rat King. Ratzilla, The Verminator, Lord Rattington…..
KAILY: Bro, honestly, let it go. I liked the Rat King.
BUSTER: I don't know. I guess. (Buster shrugs and the hashtag #Jaylynnosophy shows up on the screen)
(RK begins to aim at Kaily's head)
RK: You dirty bitch.
KAILY: This feels great. The two of us here at the park just having a good time.
BUSTER: Yeah. Hey Kaily?
KAILY: Yeah?
BUSTER: You got something on your lip there?
KAILY: Where?
BUSTER: Right here.
(Buster kisses Kaily, and it lasts at least five seconds until Kaily backs away)
RK: Alright, I'm killing her.
SANNA: RK, don't!
(long pause)
(annoyed) SANNA: Over.
RK: What do you mean, "RK, don't!," over.
KAILY: Buster, what was that?
BUSTER: Kaily, you're the most incredible girl I've ever met, and I'll do anything in this world to make you happy. I'm crazy for you.
KAILY: I know you are. But I can't feel the same way.
BUSTER: Why?
RK: Shield, what's going on, over? Shield, what's going on, over? Shield? Shield? SANNA, YOU FREAKING MUSLIM ASSHOLE, ANSWER ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, OVER!
(Sanna has left her post)
RK: Sanna, you are SO not earning that $1 an hour, over.
SANNA: You know what, RK?
RK: What, Sanna?
SANNA: This whole thing is…..
(Sanna pulls RK down from the tree onto the ground)
SANNA: OVER!
(Sanna leaves the park while RK writhes in pain)
KAILY: Don't get me wrong, Buster, you're one of the (bleep) coolest guys I've ever met, and I want us to be friends for a very long time even after fifth grade, but I just don't see you as the type of person I want to date.
BUSTER: Oh, I see.
KAILY: I'm glad you understand. I really don't want to upset you. Here.
(Kaily hands Buster a black-and-white cookie. The black chocolate frosting has been replaced by pink vanilla frosting in honor of Valentine's Day. On the pink side, Buster's initials "BN" are written in white icing, and on the white side, Kaily's initials "KC" are written in pink icing.
KAILY: I got it from the bakery an hour ago. I know it's not much, but you deserve it for never insulting me like so many other boys and being a great friend. Plus, I know how much you like these.
BUSTER: Wow, thanks, Kaily.
KAILY: You're welcome. And Happy Valentine's Day, Buster.
(Kaily kisses Buster on the cheek and leaves the park)
BUSTER: I feel somewhat better. But my plan still failed no matter which way I slice it.
(Buster sighs while RK feels rotten, having seen everything)
RK: Well, I'll be a Klootonian slave during a cheese mining strike. I tried so hard to put Kaily away, I never realized how much Buster cared about her. Damn, I'm a douchebag.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Backyard
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is sitting on the chair outside, having finished crying 15 minutes ago. He not only doesn't have Halley as a girlfriend, he might've lost her as a friend too. RK comes in through the fence door.
RK: Hey.
SPARKY: Hey.
RK: Some Valentine's Day, huh?
SPARKY: You bet.
("When You Look Me In The Eyes" by The Jonas Brothers playing in the background)
(RK talks to Sparky about his ordeal, and Sparky relays to RK his struggles. Buster comes as well and a single tear leaves his eye as RK opens up his arms. Buster immediately hugs RK and rests on his thigh while RK runs his head through Buster's hair. RK is also resting on Sparky's thigh. Wade comes back early from his Chicago trip and doesn't understand the overall sadness. There's room for Wade on the chair to be made. Suddenly, Sparky feels something. It's a note in his back pocket. It says "Halley" on the front. She must've slipped it in when he least expected it. The note states: "I really should've said this sooner. But I really like you and want to be your girlfriend. Let's get together soon so we can start a relationship. Happy Valentine's Day, Sparky. XOXO." There's a smile on Sparky's face as he puts the note in his front pocket and starts to count sheep on the chair. Buster, RK, and Wade do the same. The camera slowly zooms out from them and there's a message in the sky that says, "Happy Valentine's Day!" The screen then fades to black.)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for…..
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("No Idea" by Big Time Rush playing in the background)
©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
IN MEMORIAM OF ED KOCH
1924-2013
CHANGED NEW YORK FOR THE GREATER GOOD