You Save Me
Author's Note: This is my first fanfic in 8 years! I just got back into reading it again, and I had an uncontrollable urge to write another. I don't own anything you recognize, including Harry Potter characters, which belong to J.K. Rowling. This fic takes place in a sort of AU where Voldemort is still around, Dumbledore is alive, & the kids are graduated from Hogwarts.
Severus Snape groaned in pain and pushed up his sleeve. The Dark Mark on his forearm burned and writhed under his pale skin. He closed his eyes and raised himself slowly from his chair behind his desk. He sighed, pulled his mask from the bottom drawer of his desk, and strode out the door, robes billowing behind him.
After the meeting with Voldemort, where he was forced to perform the Cruciatus curse on a young Muggle-born wizard for the pure and simple fact he was Muggle-born, Snape sat in silence in the Astronomy tower. When would all of this be over? He was sick of the constant hiding, lying, and covering up. The only person he could talk to was Dumbledore… and half the time Albus didn't really listen; he was only concerned with defeating the Dark Lord. But Severus needed someone. Someone besides his employer. He put his head in his hands and felt the anger rising in his chest. This is not what he wanted his life to be— torturing innocent men and women, doing dirty work for Voldemort, even though it was as a double agent for Dumbledore. When would it be time to let all of this go? When would Voldemort finally be defeated? Albus said they were getting closer, that it would be over in time. But when? Severus didn't know how much longer he could keep up this charade. However, it was clear to him that there was no other way. He couldn't leave Voldemort's service, because then it would be obvious that he was never on his side to begin with. But then again, he couldn't stop helping Dumbledore because then what would be left? A life of serving Voldemort for real? No fucking way. He felt the walls around him closing as the realization dawned on him that the only real way out.. the only sure way.. was death. Severus stood up suddenly and leaned out of the small square window. It would be so easy to just let go. It's not as though anyone would actually care anyway. Maybe Dumbledore, but Severus wasn't even sure about that. He leaned farther and farther, until he was on his tiptoes, half his body out of the window.
"Snape? What in the hell are you doing?" A voice from behind him cut through the silence, ripping him from his thoughts. He scrambled away from the window and whirled around. A curvy, wavy haired, —and as much as he hated to admit it, beautiful- Charms professor was standing in the doorway.
"Granger. What are you doing up here?" Severus growled, immediately on the defense.
"I should ask you the same question, Severus," she said gently, sensing the tension in his body. "I was just coming up here to stargaze," she continued as she held up the pocket telescope, then dropping it to her side awkwardly.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Well, don't let me interrupt you," he scoffed as he shoved past her.
"Severus, wait," Hermione reached for his arm, and as soon as she closed her hand around his bicep, he jerked away from her.
"Don't touch me, Granger. Don't pretend you care," he seethed, and swept down the stairs.
Hermione sighed and bit her lower lip. How could she ever begin to talk to him, when he wouldn't even give her the chance to show the tiniest bit of concern? She shrugged slightly, and walked back down the curved stairway, all plans of stargazing out of her head.
The next day was Saturday, and Severus planned to stay in his quarters all day. He didn't want to speak to anyone, even Dumbledore—Hell, especially Dumbledore. How could he have ever asked him to do this? Did he not think about the effect it would have on him, on his life? Last night was one of the lowest points in Severus's life, and then to have it witnessed by Granger, of all people? He rolled his eyes, but he couldn't stop thinking about how gorgeous she had become. When she was his student, she was insufferable and annoying as shit… but intelligent. That was the one thing he had respected; it sure as hell wasn't her choice in friends. But now that she was a colleague? Damn, she was hot. After graduation, she had filled out, her hair had calmed down, and she had a radiant smile. But that was a moot point considering she would never even look twice at him. Why would she, after how he had treated her in class? Instantly, Severus sank back into that dark place. Because of his unpleasant demeanor and generally hateful exterior, he had missed out on many relationships over the years. Severus may have been an introvert, but he wasn't the horrid monster he had made himself out to be. "Why was that?" he thought angrily. "Oh, right," he said out loud. To not give away his position as double agent. "Thanks, Albus," he muttered to himself snidely.
As soon as he spoke, a light knock sounded at his door. He started and stood up from his seat in front of the fire. Who was calling on him… on a Saturday afternoon? He straightened his robes, tucked his hair behind his ear, and opened the door to see that same beautiful woman who was haunting his thoughts more and more as of late.
"Hi Severus," she said quietly, looking almost embarrassed.
Severus rolled his eyes, trying to cover his pleasure at seeing her. He immediately noticed she wasn't wearing her robes, but a tight fitting v-neck sweater that showed just enough cleavage to stir some heat in the pit of his stomach, and leggings with tall, high-heeled boots that accentuated every curve of her ass and legs. His eyes traveled down her body before he could stop himself. "Shit," he thought, his face reddening. "Wh-what do you need, Granger?" he asked, attempting to sound annoyed but not succeeding.
"Nothing… I was just worried about you. You seemed, well, something seemed off last night in the Astronomy tower. Are you okay, Severus?" The words flew out of her mouth in a fevered rush.
His face contorted with confusion. "Why would she take the time to come down here to talk to me? No one has ever cared how I felt or looked or seemed before," he thought. It was a moment before he spoke. "I'm fine, Granger. Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do," he said as he started to close the door.
Hermione put a foot between the jamb and the door, completely shocking him, and probably herself, considering the look on her face.
"Don't do that, Severus. I want to help you. Whatever it is you're going through, let me help you. Let me in," she said quietly, refusing to let him close the door. She was looking at him with a piteous expression in her eyes.
"Granger, if you don't remove your foot from my door, I will be forced to do it for you. I don't need your help, I don't want you in my home, and I sure as hell don't want your pity! Save that shit for someone who needs it, because it isn't me," he hissed venomously.
Hermione flinched and looked hurt, but she stood her ground. She was stronger than she looked, and she held her foot in place firmly. "I'm not going anywhere, Severus, so you might as well let me in," she coaxed patiently.
Severus gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. He stood motionless for a moment and then gave in. She was stubborn, he knew that much. If she said she wasn't leaving, she wasn't leaving. And wasn't he just thinking last night that he needed someone to talk to? Why not Granger? He stepped away from the door and she pushed it open cautiously.
Severus turned his back on her and swept through his front hallway and into the living area. She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and followed him inside.
"Sit down, I guess," he muttered, gesturing toward one of the oversized plush armchairs. Hermione walked slowly through his living room, sort of taken aback by what she saw. She had always pictured Snape's quarters as dark, dank, and, well, dungeon-like. But they were actually the opposite. They may have been located in the dungeon, but his living area was warm, inviting, and comfortable. There was fire going in the fireplace, and as Severus sat down in front of it, the wear and sadness showed even more on his face. He didn't look like an evil man; he looked like a broken man. Hermione sank down into the armchair he had designated and swallowed. Could what Dumbledore had told her be true? Could Severus really be working for him instead of Voldemort? Of course, Albus hadn't told her that on his own; it had taken a lot of probing and prodding from Hermione. Finally, Dumbledore cracked and told her from where Severus's stress was likely stemming. It was then that she decided she had to talk to Severus. She had to help him if she could… he had done so much for her, Harry, and Ron, among countless others. If what Dumbledore had told her was true, Severus had saved Hermione's life on more than one occasion.
They sat in silence for a few moments before Hermione spoke. "Severus?" she ventured, bracing herself for his angry reply that didn't come.
"Yes, Hermione?" he whispered, sounding exhausted and defeated. She couldn't help but feel a tug at her heart when he used her first name.
"What were you doing last night at the Astronomy Tower?" she pressed gently.
Severus didn't speak for a long time. He stared into the fire, while Hermione waited patiently. She kept her eyes on him, and when he finally began to speak, his voice was cracked with emotion.
"Hermione, if you hadn't come into the tower last night, I would have jumped out that window. I'd be dead," he said lowly, almost too low for her to hear him. Hermione's hand came slowly to cover her mouth. She had suspected as much, but to hear him say it out loud chilled her to her core.
"Severus, does this have something to do with your working as a double agent?" she asked, knowing he may not answer.
Severus swung his head toward her quickly. "How did you know that?" he snapped. If the truth were to come out, his death would no longer be his decision. Voldemort would see to that.
"Calm down, Severus. I drug it out of Dumbledore," she said, holding up her hands in front of her. Severus was up and in front of her in a flash. He leaned toward her face and was nearly nose-to-nose with her.
"Granger, if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, especially Potter and Weasley, you will have undone every bit of work I've done over the past 23 years," he breathed, gently holding her shoulders.
To his surprise, she didn't flinch under his touch, rather on the contrary. Her body had been tense, and under his hands, she relaxed slightly. He didn't move, but instead sank down into the oversized chair next to her, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
"Severus, I would never," she assured him, her caramel eyes locked on his of ebony. She turned toward him suddenly, her leg in a bent position next to his thigh. He was painfully aware of her touch. "I know how important this work is. But Severus, how on Earth have you done this alone for so long? I can't imagine how you must feel," she asked, reaching across to hold his hand. He stared down at their hands in wonder, for a split second thinking this could be a dream. "She wants to know how I feel," he thought in amazement. "No one's ever asked me that before." He didn't move his hand, but looked back up at her face. Her face showed no deception, no artificial concerns. Was it possible she actually cared? He felt years of stone start to crumble around his heart.
"Hermione, it's been hell. There's no other way to put it. The past 23 years have put me in terrible situations, I've seen things I never wanted to see, forced to do things I never wanted to do." Severus broke eye contact with Hermione, unable to face her. She was close to perfect; a golden child. She could never understand the things he'd faced. She'd surely run away screaming.
Hermione put her finger gently under his chin and lifted. When their eyes met, both were filled with tears. He closed his eyes and a single tear dropped down his cheek. Humiliated, he stood up quickly, wiped his face and turned from her. He couldn't believe he had let her see him cry. "Hermione, you can't help me. You can't change the past. And you definitely can't stop Voldemort. I'm starting to think no one can. And that means I am stuck in this miserable existence until I die. And right now, I think death is preferable!" he exclaimed suddenly and whirled around to face her. His tears were flowing freely now and he was too upset to care. "Granger, you could never even begin to get it. You've never done anything wrong, you have friends, you're fucking gorgeous, you're—" he broke off, realizing what he had said. He sniffed and used the corner of the sleeve of his robe to wipe his eye, "I mean, you're intelligent," he covered lamely, even more humiliated than before.
Hermione's eyes twinkled and she grinned. He heaved a sigh and cut his eyes away from her. Great, now she was going to laugh at him. That's exactly what he needed right now. But she didn't. She stepped toward him and took his hand.
"Severus," she started, but then took a quick breath and took his other hand, "you are so not better off dead." He braced himself for a barrage of inspirational quotes and insight, but she continued on. "You're the only man who has ever called me gorgeous," she said with a straight face.
Severus couldn't help it. He didn't know if it was from the exhaustion or the look on her face, but he burst out laughing. Hermione looked shocked for a moment, but then started to giggle. He was still holding her hands, and before he knew what he was doing, he pulled her onto the floor. They rolled around laughing for at least a full minute.
Finally, their laughter subsided and Hermione had ended up lying perpendicular to his body with her head on his chest. He gasped a little and pulled himself up slightly so he was leaning back on the chair. Hermione didn't get up; instead she turned over on her side so she could see his face.
"See, Severus? Life doesn't have to be so dark. Even though your role in all of this sucks, there can be good in your life," she said, staring up at him.
"Is this what it feels like?" he asked quietly.
"Is this what what feels like?" she replied, puzzled.
"Having a friend…. It's been so, so long," he mused, remembering Lily.
Hermione's face softened and she sat up so their faces were level.
"Yes, Severus. This is what it's like… except.." she trailed off.
"Except what?"
Hermione's face turned vaguely pink. "Except I never feel exactly like this when I laugh with Ron or Harry," she said, smiling so that the corners of her eyes crinkled up.
Severus squinted at her and decided if he could relive the last few minutes, or daresay have even better moments than that, he had to act. He could scarcely believe he was about to do this, but before he could think, he lowered his head slowly and met her lips with his. Hermione leaned in to him and deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap. She faced him, wrapping her legs around his waist. He placed his hands on either side of her face, caressed her neck, and then lost his hands in her curls. She moaned slightly as he pulled her hair gently at first and then harder. He moved from her lips down to her neck, kissing the sensitive place between her neck and her collarbone. She grasped his robes at the neck and pulled them off of his shoulders, revealing a sexy black button-down and tight black slacks. She ran her hand through his black hair, pleasantly discovering that it wasn't greasy at all; it was soft and silky.
Suddenly, he shook his head slightly.
"What?" she asked, amused.
"Why are you doing this? This seems so surreal to me, Hermione." When she started to protest, he leaned toward her and continued, "Come on, you have to admit this is extremely strange," he murmured against the soft skin of her neck. She sighed delightedly but managed to speak.
"Well, you may think it strange, Professor Snape, but that's because you are apparently so daft you haven't realized I've had a crush on you since my 5th year," she purred. The look on his face was worth the embarrassing confession.
"Is that right, Miss Granger?" he teased once he regained his composure.
"That's right, Professor, so I've been dreaming of this moment for quite some time. Now, stop babbling and make it a reality, would you?" she retorted.
"Hermione, you are beautiful," Severus replied, running his hand across the hair that rested on her forehead.
"Severus, promise me you aren't going to go anywhere," she whispered.
"Hermione, you showing up in that tower last night and at my door today quite literally saved my life. I had hit rock bottom; I was sure I was alone in this world, with absolutely no one I could count on. You proved me wrong. Thank you," he smiled and cupped her face in his hand.
"You're welcome. If you ever feel that way again, promise you'll talk to me." When he nodded, she continued, "And I know this war will be over soon, but until then, you have to keep doing what you're doing. You saved my life more than once, and I could never repay you."
"Oh Hermione, you already did. By saving mine." He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her forehead, and she closed her eyes, wondering what their future would bring.
fin.