It was the first day of classes for the newest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and Harry Potter was eager to make a good first impression. He was up, showered, and dressed long before Severus Snape, his husband of four years, awoke to the sound of him shouting.
"Holy Slytherin's ghost, why do we keep you, you miserable excuse for a cat? I swear, you're not catching mice, you're breeding them for sport. Honest to Merlin, Scratchy, if I had my way, you'd be Mrs. Figg's newest acquisition..."
"Lucky for our resident mouser here, Arabella's feline population will not be expanding today. What, pray tell, has you up before Hagrid's rooster's, braying like a donkey, at my defenseless cat?", Snape growled as he stalked his way into the kitchen, stopping only when he was nose to nose with Harry. "And his name is not Scratchy, it is Sir Scratch a Lot, the name you gave him, so please do make the effort to use it".
"Severus, I've tried, for your sake, to be pleasant to this Cornish pixie disguised as a cat, but no matter what I do, this creature is hell-bent on making my life a misery. That menace hasn't caught a single mouse in the two years that he's been here. And I call him Scratchy because he regularly scratches my ankles whenever I step foot in the kitchen. Making a simple cup of coffee shouldn't require a blood donation, Sev", Harry replied, knowing his comments were falling on deaf ears. Sir Scratch a Lot was Snape's familiar, and in his eyes, the cat could do no wrong. Scratchy, currently weaving himself between Snape's ankles, fixed Harry with his most malevolent glare.
"I'm sorry, Sev, but you're blind to his faults, and I don't have the time to discuss the oh so many ways that this beast is a disgrace to felines everywhere. I'm going to the kitchens to see what Winky can whip me up for breakfast, and then I'm off to my classroom. First period with the NEWT class, five Gryffindors, six Slytherins, and a Hufflepuff, that should be entertaining, if not potentially lethal. We'll discuss this later, but be forewarned, after dealing with the three mice that scurried out of my lesson plans this morning, I'm not impressed with Scratchy's hunting prowess."
Before Severus could respond with a cutting remark, Harry made a hasty exit, leaving Severus with a loudly meowing cat. "Why is it that you are always hungry, yet there is no appreciable reduction in the rodent population? I'll have to talk with Pomona Sprout, to see if Hufflepuff House is having the same problem. Perhaps this infestation requires a pride of felines." Realizing that he was conversing with a cat, Snape silently conjured up Sir Scratch a Lot's favorite meal, minced prawns with cream sauce, served in his favorite Waterford crystal dish. Discussion after classes indeed. His Headmaster duties would need to be handled by his deputy this morning, for Severus Snape had an Herbology Professor to meet and extra strength allergy potion to brew. Harry would appreciate Snape's attempt to make his cat allergy bearable, the extra feline presence would eradicate the mice, and peace would return to the Potter-Snape dungeon home.
After preparing for the day, Snape grabbed a quick breakfast in the Great Hall, and strode purposefully towards the Greenhouses. He caught Professor Sprout as she was about to enter Greenhouse Number 3. He tapped her gently on the shoulder, as she was wearing her charmed Mandrake earmuffs, which allowed her to hear the students, but curiously, not the Headmaster. Startled, Sprout leapt in place before turning to face her summoner.
Hands shaking, the professor removed her earmuffs. "Oh dear, Severus, you gave me such a fright", she gasped, as she struggled to steady her breathing.
"I apologize, Pomona, that was not my intention. I must ask you, have you noticed any problems with mice in Hufflepuff house, or heard of any similar problem in the kitchens? I am having a bit of a problem in my quarters and my private lab", Severus stated as he watched Professor Sprout carefully, to make certain she recovered from her fright.
"I'm relieved to report that neither my house nor the kitchens are harboring any rodent interlopers, thanks to Mrs. Granger-Weasley, who generously left Crookshanks to Hufflepuff house upon her graduation. I do wonder why you remain in the dungeons when the Headmasters quarters go empty, but I suppose you have your reasons. Is there anything else I can help you with? I hate to rush you, but the Mandrakes threw a wild party last night and I've got to go deal with the aftermath."
"Thank you, Professor Sprout, that will be all." With that, Pomona donned her earmuffs and went off to do battle with a group of Mandrakes as rowdy as the surliest Slytherin beaters, battling Gryffindors for the Quidditch Cup. Severus strode back to the castle and straight up to his office, the gargoyle allowing him an unhindered entrance. "No rodent problem in the other half of the dungeon, yet there is a steady stream of mice in my quarters and lab. There have been no complaints from Slytherin House or the Potions Professor, Draco Malfoy. Could Potter be right?, Severus mused.
Looking at the pile of parchments piled on his desk, Snape assumed his Headmaster mantle and began his workday. The mouse situation, and the extra strength allergy potion, would have to wait.
Down in the Potter-Snape dungeon home, the Persian/Kneazle feline cross was doing what he did best, plotting the next in a series of stunts designed to make Harry Potter appear insane. "Wizards are so ignorant, believing that majestic felines would be satisfied serving as nothing but living mousetraps. It is beneath my dignity to dirty my paws with such vermin. I am the puppet master, the mice are my puppets, and Harry Potter, he is my victim. Seeing him suffer is my life's greatest joy. What shall I do to rattle his chain tonight?", thought the scheming cat.
A week ago, Sir Scratch a Lot had arranged a dozen trained mice in a circle, and levitated them, en masse, making them rotate, like a wriggling halo, just above Harry's head. The very moment Harry called out to alert Severus, the cat released the spell, causing twelve terrified mice to scamper down Harry and run towards the mouse holes before Severus could witness the commotion. Harry was left looking the fool, Severus not believing a word of Harry's recollection of events. Sir Scratch a Lot had been most pleased. Tonight would have to be on a grander scale. "Challenge my position as Severus Snape's cherished familiar, and you will feel my wrath, Boy Who Lived to be the Thorn in my Paw", he chortled, which, being a cat, came out as a hiss.
Pondering his next act of malice, Snape's familiar sharpened his claws on Harry's desk chair, marked the nearest desk leg, and sauntered in front of the fireplace, before settling down in the warmth of the glowing embers and drifting off to sleep.
The last class of the day had just been released, and struggling to pass the gaggles of gossiping students, Professor Potter trudged his way down to his quarters, looking forward to a bit of peace and relaxation. It was most unfortunate that his arrival coincided with Sir Scratch a Lot's impromptu game of ten pin bowling, with ten trembling dormice standing in as pins and the epitome of feline malevolence poised to strike. The furry menace bolted straight through the terrified mice, sending them flying in his wake. Scratchy didn't stop until he was far under the bed, and the mice had scattered. Potter would appear nuttier than squirrel scat when he reported this to Severus. "Go ahead, Potter, tell your mate what happened here, it's not like he'll believe you", which came out as a prolonged hiss. Said hiss distracted the anti-cat just long enough for Harry to grab him by the scruff of the neck as the wizard rushed to the fireplace.
Grabbing a handful of floo powder in his free hand, he threw it into the fireplace, bent down with the cat clearly in view, and shouted "Headmaster's office, now!" Startled out of his thoughts by the call of a very angry Harry, Severus ran to the fireplace and spotted a red-faced Harry dangling a hissing cat. Before he could utter a sound, Harry snarled, "Severus. Pensieve. NOW!", without relinquishing his hold on the cat.
Severus did what he was told. Thrusting the cat into Snape's arms, Harry retrieved his wand and extracted the three most recent altercations, carefully removing them in a continuous metallic gossamer thread before adding it to the swirling mass of memories. "Look. Just look.", he grumbled.
Forehead touching the swirling memories, Severus fell into his shared underground home, and what he saw astounded him.
Sir Scratch a Lot, manipulating airborne rodents in such a way that Severus would have no choice than believe that Harry had gone stark raving mad.
The same feline, herding mice into Harry's lesson plans, under the the cover of darkness, then lying in wait for Harry and the aftermath.
Mice scattered helter skelter, as a barreling blur of fur plowed through them.
Snape was suitably subdued as he emerged from Harry's memories. "Harry, I deeply regret having doubted you. What can I do to begin to make amends?"
I want a dog, Severus. I have spent a lot of time in the Muggle's Studies classroom, on a computer, researching dog breeds on the Internet. I want a miniature wirehaired dachshund. They are small, they are low to the floor, they are avid hunters, and having terriers in their makeup, they are skilled at killing vermin. They also affectionate, fiercely loyal, and they have cuteness coming out the wazoo. And they can hold there own against a half-Kneazle who is determined to be the weapon of my destruction", Harry replied in a flurry of words.
Severus smirked as he gazed at Harry, wondering how to respond to such a well-researched argument without letting on that he had a deep-seated fear of dogs. Sirius and Remus had seen to that. "Cuteness out the wazoo, what a sterling qualification. Seriously, Harry, few wizards have dog familiars, they are too reminiscent of werewolves. Are you sure you want another reason to be set apart from other witches and wizards?, he queried?
Harry gazed fondly at his husband, knowing full well what lurked behind his comment. "Severus Snape, the dog will be no larger than a house cat when fully grown. No witch or wizard who comes across this adorable, cuddly little wiener dog will ever mistake it for a wolf in any form. If it helps, just think of it as a cat in a dog suit. Oh, and you can keep the cat, he worships the water he believes you walk on. I'm sure my little familiar can handle the likes of Scratchy."
"Must I keep reminding you, his name is Sir Scratch a Lot, and I am convinced, if he spends time with Crookshanks, he'll become the mouser he was meant to be. This discussion is not over, Harry Potter-Snape..."
"It is for me", Harry chortled as he high-tailed it through the fireplace, flooing to their quarters before his husband could stop him. Severus was left with an armful of very aggravated cat.
Harry was at the owlery, securing a down payment for a puppy from a dachshund breeder in Germany he found on the Internet. Two weeks, and Harry Potter would have his own canine familiar. Looking up to the heavens, he cried, "Scratchy, you have allowed mice to overrun our quarters, and you have scratched my ankles to bloody stumps, but when you purposely drive a wedge between me and my husband, you've crossed the line. This means war."
In the Headmaster's office, Sir Scratch a Lot pondered what he just heard. A dog. There would be a dog in the dungeon. "I'll have that mutt with its tail between its leg before his first day is over", he smirked. Severus couldn't fathom life with a dog. He'd talk to Sprout. Sir Scratch a Lot could learn from shadowing Crookshanks. Harry would get a much-needed break, and no dog would ever darken their doorstep.
Harry Potter had thrown a canine grenade in the war of Cats vs Dogs. The dungeons would never be the same. Two more weeks until detonation day. Tick. Tick. Tick.