"So… what's this I'm hearing about detective Deeks, becoming bartender Deeks?" Sam asked as he took a swig of his beer and settled the bottle back down on the counter. "I mean nothing against pursuing new horizons, but you gotta admit it doesn't have such a nice ring to it."
Lifting his eyebrows until they became hidden by his unruly blonde curls, Deeks turned an annoyed stare at Callen as he blew out a slow breath. "Come on man, I know you two are the OTP but can't you help a brother out and keep a secret?" He eventually asked, voice sounding slightly irritated but the smirk on his face betraying his true feelings.
"I'm sorry, detective." Callen answered, placing a strong emphasis on Deeks' title. "But I needed to recruit reinforcement to knock some sense into that shaggy head of yours." The authenticity in his blue eyes showing how much he meant those words, even when the spreading smile across his face tried to indicate it was just another moment of banter.
Lifting the glass and taking a swig, Deeks looked around the bar the three NCIS teammates were currently sitting in, having decided for a boys night out after the girls had left together in an attempt to cheer up the injured Hidoko. He imagined himself behind the counter, his team sitting at their usual table after a long day of chasing bad guys, and he smiled to himself. Maybe this could really be the change he needed?
Sam and Callen exchanged a hesitant look as they took in their teammate's demeanor, both realizing they were currently failing in their efforts. Sam scratched his throat as Callen purposely set his glass back down with a loud thud, the combination drawing Deeks' attention away from his own introspections.
"What does this have to do with any of you?" Deeks asked after noticing the partner's look and sincerely curious about their interest in the matter. "It's not like it affects you directly." He concluded, words sounding harsher than he had meant.
"How can you say that, brother?" Sam quickly responded in evident surprise. "We're a team… a family. Any decision by a lone wolf, easily affects the rest of the pack."
Laughing at the choice of words, Deeks shook his head in amusement before moving his hand to get his long bangs away from his eyes. "You're basically saying you would miss me, eh? And here I was thinking you barely tolerated me, big guy."
Shaking his head, Sam thought back to the past 8 years of working with the LAPD liaison and silently wondered if the man really meant the words he had just spoken. "It's not a matter of missing, but of changing the way things are supposed to work." Deciding to ignore the possible undercurrent behind Deeks' comment, he decided to continue on his previous train of thought.
"And how are they supposed to work, Sam? With us constantly risking our lives until an unfortunate bullet decides it has been too much and we pay the ultimate sacrifice? For what? For who?" Deeks was honestly curious of his response, especially as someone who not so long ago had been forced to pay that sacrifice. "For people that don't know we exist? For people who use their lives for crime? For a world that would just continue to destroy itself?"
Taking a moment to ponder the detective's words, Sam signaled the bartender for a new round as he formulated a response. "No." He simply said. "We do it for each other. And for a world that maybe doesn't yet know it needs saving…" He continued after a short break and having noticed Deeks intently watching him, a clear indication this conversation was not a joke but real life. "We do it for those who need saving, and have no one who cares. We do it for ourselves and our families. For the future. And we do it, because no one else would. Because it's not the life for everyone, but it's the one we're meant to live." Resolute in his response, the ex-SEAL spoke with a pride only possible for those who had seen the worst humanity had to offer, and had lived through it only to continue in their determination of fighting said evil.
"According to who?" Deeks continued, still playing the part of the devil's advocate.
"To us. To our past selves who made that choice." Another swig of his beer, and another deep breath. "People always say we're wiser when we're older, but maybe it's the other way around. Our past selves are innocent, they make decisions based on our own, true natures. They don't have the world's influence or pressure over our shoulders. Evil, grief and despair have not shook our humanity yet. We don't feel fear, because we believe we can be all it takes. To save ourselves. Our families. Maybe even the world. And that hope, makes it all seem possible."
"But is it worth it?" Again, moving his hair out of his eyes, and deciding a haircut should come soon in his future, Deeks continued to ask his questions. Hoping Sam could maybe provide the clarity he needed.
"That's something only you can decide, brother; but let me ask some questions. Was it worth it to become a lawyer, a cop, a liaison to NCIS? Did you achieve what you set out to do? Would you have in another line of work?" He could continue asking questions, name specific events, but deep down, Sam knew it was better if Deeks reached those memories on his own.
"Maybe." Deeks instantly responded but then closed his eyes, and thought back to his earlier days at LAPD, then the latest ones at NCIS. Remembering every kid, every adult… every innocent man or woman he had saved. With images of the Czech Republic, Mexico, Russia, Afghanistan, Syria, and Vietnam, dancing on his mind. With clear recollections of shots, torture, kidnappings, bio weapons, explosions, threats of nuclear war. "Yes. It was worth it." Deeks responded sincerely this time. "But does that mean it will always be worth it?"
Using his hand to halt Sam's response, Callen decided to speak now. "Again, only you can decide that, but now I have some questions. Would it be worth it if it means saving Kensi? Saving Sam? Saving me? Saving the kid across the street, or that couple?" He inquired, as he pointed to a pair sitting at a darkened table. Snuggled close to each other on a booth, and with eyes shining with young adoration, reminding each man of their own love stories. "Would it be worth it to save LA? Our maybe even California? You can take it farther and think of the USA? Or maybe smaller, and think of just saving one person's world? Would it be worth it to give your future children a world worth living in?" Callen concluded, recalling his conversation in the bar earlier that day.
Again, Deeks closed his eyes. And this time, his mind was invaded by images of the future. A blonde girl with brown eyes, or a brunette boy with ocean blue eyes. A little girl surfing, a little boy running to embrace his parents. Sam growing old to be a granddad, never leaving his children like Michelle had been forced to. Callen and Anna following in his and Kensi's footsteps. Eric and Nell finally becoming an official couple. Images of a joined life, all four families enjoying holidays, birthdays and a future together.
From their right, a loud bang sounded as a ball from the billiards table somehow left the game and ended up loudly crashing on the floor. Deeks' mental bliss ending, and his imagined future disappearing. The images of family grilling days at the Hanna's, Christmas at the Beale's, and baby showers at the Callen's disappearing as that perfect picture was eclipsed by a world further destroying itself. Of LA, the City of Angels he had always called home, going down in flames. An explosion downtown. Nuclear attack and a new World War. Bio weapon on US territory. Even going smaller. A bullet into Sam, or Callen, Or Kensi. And that future no more.
"Yes. It can still be worth it." Deeks was inclined to respond maybe again, but deep down knew it would be a somewhat lie. So he answered honestly, as displayed by his tone and the sincerity shining in his pale blue eyes. "Thank you."
Knowing no more words were needed, Sam and Callen both nodded as they took swigs of their beers, mirroring each other's movement. Deeks laughing at the familiarity of the moment, and also deep down knowing he couldn't give up all this. Even if it meant continuing to put his life on the line, but knowing it was worth it to protect Kensi and his team, and for the possibility of giving his future children a world in which it was truly safe to live in. And, even if bad guys would always exist, but more important being, that there would also be good guys willing to fight them.
The rest of the evening proceeded with small talk, all three men releasing their own tensions and fears through a night out with those who understood better than anyone. The cold of the beer and then the burning of the shots erasing the sour memories, the laughs from deep within themselves bringing up the good ones, and the starry night upon leaving the bar, reminding them that fighting for a better future would always be worth it. Especially for as long as they still had each other.
-x-x-x-
An hour later, Marty Deeks gingerly walked up his driveway after the Uber had left him home. His pounding head reminding him of the night he had just enjoyed and the conversations that had been shared. Blowing out a shaky breath, he got his keys from his pocket and opened the door to a darkened living room. Monty groggily lifting his head from his doggy bed but quickly lowering it back down again after noticing his daddy and deciding it was safe to go back to sleep.
Taking off his shoes, dropping his messenger bag on the kitchen counter, and hanging the keys on the hook behind the door, Deeks moved to the fridge and got himself a glass of water. Then with a quick swig took two pills in a feeble attempt to stop the hangover he already felt coming.
The word hangover resonating on his hammering head, and transporting his thoughts back to his childhood. Echoes of screams and sobs from a long lost past. Images of beatings to himself and his mother. And newer doubts coming to the forefront of his mind.
He couldn't remember feeling this lost in a long time, he was a man on a raft, floating without course on an infinite sea of doubts.
Taking in a deep breath, and blowing it out slowly, Deeks took off his shirt and pants before moving to the couch and lowering himself onto the soft fabric. Doing his best to stretch his long frame in the small surface, he placed a pillow under his head and closed his eyes.
Sleep however, never came. And the confused detective was forced to stare at the ceiling as he questioned his life choices and what that meant for his own future. His thoughts eventually leading him to the woman sleeping alone on the second floor of their shared house. Kensi. The sunshine to his darkness, the dreams to his nightmares, and the hope to his sorrow.
No one could fault him for wanting a better life and safer future for himself and his partner. They had both already sacrificed a lot, paid their dues, and saved the world more than once. They deserve their happily-ever-after. They deserved a future. They deserved a family. But what world would they be bringing said family into. A world in which they had no say in how it all went. Or a world they knew they were still trying to keep safe with their efforts.
Deep down, he also knew there was no perfect answer. This wasn't a mathematical equation with a unique response, but it was life. And death. And love and sacrifice. It was trying to avoid poetic justice, and never wanting to become the martyr in his world. It was trying to keep himself and Kensi safe, but also Sam and Callen, Eric and Nell, Hetty, even Mosley and Hidoko. LA, the US, and the world.
Opening his eyes again, he wondered when enough was enough. Someday they would need to walk away. But when? Was now the right time? Would he regret walking away too early? Or would he regret it more if something happened to himself or Kensi?
He wanted to scream, to punch a wall, but it was the middle of the night and he didn't wanna wake up his sleeping beauty waiting for him in their bed. So he settled on crying, desperate tears streaming down his face as he searched for an answer that maybe just wasn't there. For a perfect solution that didn't exist. And for a life that maybe wasn't theirs to live.
Thinking back to Sam's words at the bar, he again remembered all that he had lived in his combined years with LAPD and NCIS, and felt with certainty in his heart, that it all had truly been worth it. And then he thought back to Callen's words, and also knew that for as long as they were all together, it would continue to be worth it.
But that was the exact point where perfection ended and reality started, there was never the guarantee that every day they would all safely return home.
A few minutes later, somehow, Deeks found himself staring at his own reflection on the bathroom's mirror, the cold of the water calming his racing thoughts and making him wonder how he had ended up here. Having no recollection of getting up from the couch and into the bathroom, he closed his eyes and attributed the lapse in memories to the alcohol on his body.
Alcohol… The word again reminding him of his past, and how it had destroyed his family. Even if leaving NCIS proved to be the right choice, was a bar really the right new horizon Sam had mentioned. Could he be the one to provide the same substance that had broken down his home? Could he be the one to break a family? Could he be the one that willingly gave the alcohol that caused a father to shoot his own wife and son?
Shaking his head, and again getting annoyed by the long bangs falling down on his eyes, he reached the conclusion that he couldn't. Maybe retirement from law enforcement would prove to be what he needed to set his mind at ease. But he could never reach true peace if he was going back on all the good he had always done, by contributing to the cycle that had wrecked his childhood and life.
More cold water on his face, another deep breath, and slow exhalation. And he could feel the clouds retreating from the storm that was raging on his mind. The raft was approaching shore and now he just needed someone to reach a hand towards his body and pull him to safety.
A hand on his shoulder, startled the blonde man who had been lost deep inside his head. Then two arms embracing him from behind, and all the clouds finally retreating. Somehow that hand had reached him and he turned around to come face to face with Kensi's still sleepy eyes.
"Everything okay?" Kensi asked in concern, having woken up to realize it was past 3 in the morning and Deeks wasn't in bed, then deciding to come down and check if he was at least home.
"I'm now." Deeks admitted, grabbing Kensi's hand and pulling her behind him.
"How was your night out? Did something happened?" Kensi enquired as the couple turned off the lights downstairs and moved to their bedroom.
Deeks inhaled deeply, in an attempt to stall for time, while he decided how much he wanted to share now. "It was okay, just some drinks and billiards." He smiled and kissed Kensi deeply, hoping she would let it go.
Scrunching her nose and lifting her eyebrows, Kensi moved a hand to brush the tears that were still evident on Deeks' cheeks. "Then, why were you crying?" She asked with words coated with love, and not an ounce of judgement present in them.
"I wasn't." Deeks tried denial, having thought to use his typical humor, but his mind coming out blank.
Kensi debated giving him the win, but if they were to be a married couple, and enjoy a future, they had to be able to share, and communicate. "Come on, baby. I know you. And I also know to recognize when those beautiful ocean blue eyes of yours look puffy and red."
"I was just thinking of the future. I talked some about it with the boys today, and I was just debating possibilities." Deeks partly confessed, leaving outside how lost he had truly felt, or his idea of owning a bar.
Kensi sighed, this not being the first time they discussed the topic, and feeling frustrated at feeling it was the only aspect of their lives in which they weren't on the same page. "What brought it up this time?" She settled on asking, knowing there was always a particular trigger that sent Deeks' mind in this direction.
Deeks shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to reveal the idea of owning a bar, especially having realized on his own how that decision went against his very being and who he knew he was at heart. But, not sure what to say as Callen's conversation at the bar is what had triggered his newest confusion.
"So?" Kensi prompted, as the couple settled in the bed next to each other, but each remaining distant and in their own half of the bed.
"I was thinking of retiring from law enforcement and owning a bar." Deeks admitted as he moved his hand across the threshold and intertwined his fingers with Kensi's. Feeling the confession had started to bridge the slight gap that had created between them.
"A bar?" Kensi asked in surprise, not having expected that to ever be a possibility post NCIS, but not wanting to shoot the idea down before hearing him out. "Are you sure about that?" She continued, as she halfway turned towards Deeks and moved her other hand to run her fingers through his hair. Another small step in the right direction.
"No. I thought about it and well, I don't think it's the right path for me… for us. Giving, you know…" Enjoying the feeling of Kensi's familiar touch on his hair, Deeks close his eyes and truly began to relax for the first time that night.
Kensi nodded, even knowing Deeks couldn't see her face, fully understanding and agreeing with the implications of his words. She squeezed his hand reassuringly, and Deeks squeezed back.
"I just want us to be safe. To have a family. And a future." Deeks eventually spoke again, in a quiet voice, full of longing and hope.
Kensi shifted back towards Deeks, having thought he had fallen asleep. "I do, too, baby. And we will. But there's no right timeline for that. We don't need to rush our decision."
Turning back to look at Kensi, and getting lost in the depth of her mismatched eyes, Deeks moved his other hand to brush a loose strand of hair from her face. "But, what if it's too late when we feel ready? What if we never have the chance to make that decision?" He inquired, as his pale blue eyes sparkled with mirrored love.
"Are you ready now? Could you walk away tomorrow?" Kensi asked, partly curious to know the answer, but also scared of what it could mean for them.
Deeks closed his eyes as he thought back to his past, and the conversation at the bar with Callen and Sam. To his imagined future and the way it had disappeared with a literal bang. "Maybe not yet." Fighting the urge to respond maybe again, and knowing he needed to be decisive, he eventually confessed.
"And you don't have to be. We can take it one step at a time. Continue organizing our wedding. Get married. Settle into life together as husband and wife, and maybe dedicate one more year to NCIS. We can plan ahead and decide what we want to do. Set it up, and then we can retire together." Kensi proposed, feeling relieve at Deeks' answer, as she wasn't ready to hang her gun just yet. "We can flip houses, become surfing instructors or personal trainers in Bali… even own a bar in LA. I don't care, as long as we're together."
Feeling his world spinning on its right axis again, and his previously lost raft settling into shore, Deeks moved past the threshold and enveloped Kensi in his arms. Kensi quickly snuggling in as agent and detective settled in for a hopefully restful sleep.
"Thank you." Deeks words were meant for a lot more than just this moment, but generally for being the hand that always reached down to rescue him from the darkness of his own mind. "I love you." He followed his declaration with a kiss to Kensi's forehead.
"I love you, too." Kensi said, mirroring her boyfriend's actions, and accentuating her statement with another kiss. "Today and forever."
Closing his eyes, Deeks fell the pull of sleep, just as Kensi's words woke him up again. "Can we rent the latest Star Wars this weekend?"
"Star Wars?" Deeks asked in clear confusion, not understanding how their conversation had ended in Kensi thinking about that.
"Yes. I just realized today I hadn't seen it." Kensi responded simply.
Still slightly confused by the request, Deeks nodded and squeezed Kensi's hand in confirmation. "Of course we can, princess. We can see Star Wars and any other movie you want."
"Thank you. Good night, baby." Kensi closed their conversation and just as Deeks had done before, was finally able to relax. Never enjoying any type of breach between herself and her boyfriend. Not a big one as unspoken bar conversations, or a small one as unwatched movies together.
That night agent and detective fell asleep, limps tangled together, and both occupying the same half of the bed. That weekend they enjoyed a movie marathon, in which they not only saw Star Wars, but also Thor: Ragnarok and Justice League. And during the next year, they continued to communicate, sharing their thoughts, fears and dreams. Leading to the day in the not so distant future when maybe turned into both knowing they were ready. The day in which they together decided to step away from NCIS and into the family and future they both desired and deserved.
Thanks everyone for reading, I hope to hear your thoughts about this. And to anyone that reads Ghost, I'm sorry for the long wait between chapters. I intended to update today but then wrote this and here we are. Next chapter is ready and I promise to post it soon.