"Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean."
For Vein's Simply Tired.
Seeing The Horizon
It was a warm, sunny day, and Natsume Hyuuga did not like it. What right did the weather have to be so happy on such a day? No, it should be storms and thunder, rain and depression - that would suit his mood. He shrugged his coat off as he stepped into the hospital lobby, and glared at the receptionist when she asked him what he wanted.
"Excuse me?" she said sweetly, tapping the desk with her fluorescent pink fingernails. Clack clack clack.
"Mikan Sakura, room 513," muttered Natsume, switching his glare to the girl's hands.
She typed a few words into her computer and looked up again, brushing a blonde curl from her eyes. "Fifth floor, straight opposite the elevator. Have a good day!"
"Like shit I will." He stepped into the elevator, watched the receptionist loudly tell her friend down the phone what a rude visitor she had just had, and waited impatiently for "Floor V - ICU" to come into view. When it did, it became apparent that he was not the only visitor to room 513.
"Natsume! She's been waiting for you," said a blond boy holding several baby rabbits. The dark-haired girl next to him looked at Natsume as he came out of the lift. "Is this ... it?" the rabbit-holding one asked, after a noticeable pause.
Natsume made no reaction, except to glance briefly at the pair before pushing open the door to the next room. Before he could go inside, however, a hand gripped his shirt and pulled him back.
"You're not the only person who cares about her," said the girl.
"Don't try and talk to me now," Natsume growled. "Why aren't you inside, anyway?"
"She wanted to be alone until you came," the other boy said. "You're going to do it, aren't you?"
Natsume looked at him. "Yeah," he said quietly, so quietly that Luca and Hotaru were not quite sure afterwards if they had actually heard him say it.
XXX
Inside room 513 there was a bed, although it was hardly visible underneath the tangle of rubber wires and spinning, whirring machines all around. On the bed there was a girl, and although she too was hardly visible, Natsume's eyes snapped straight to her.
"Hi!" she said happily, and attempted to raise a hand in greeting. The nurse beside her fussed and pulled back some of the tubes around her arm.
"Don't talk, idiot," said Natsume, pinning her hand down and checking her status (Stable - Declining) on the monitor. "It'll just make you worse."
"I like talking!" she said, affronted, though she was still smiling. "I can do what I like on my last day!"
He froze. "I told you not to talk."
There was a silence, and Natsume sat down on the chair. "Okay, I won't say it. Are Luca and Hotaru still outside?"
"Yeah, and I saw the Harada girl on the way here. Sorry I had to leave you."
"That's okay, it wasn't like you wanted to," she said, smiling again. "The legalities are very silly about this sort of thing."
"I didn't want you to do this to yourself either," he replied, getting up and pacing around the room. "It should be me here, not you. This wasn't what should have happened."
"I chose this myself! It was what I wanted for us! Do you think I could watch you here while your Alice killed you? You're so much stronger and you have so much that you need to live for -"
"And you don't?"
Mikan didn't answer, but gaped at him.
"You didn't know that this would happen to you either. Don't pretend that you did. You had no idea, you didn't think for one second that there might be something more to healing me than just being happy and fine and living forever, that-"
"I love you." She was innocent, wide-eyed in her last confession - Natsume had never reciprocated her statement more than he did right at that moment.
And so his tirade was abruptly stopped, and he stood in surprised silence before saying, "It doesn't matter now."
"Yes, it does! I know I had some, I dunno, thing to do, and that's what I wanted. That's what I still want!"
"A meaning in life," Natsume muttered.
"It wasn't your fault," she said softly, and leant back into her pillow. The energy that had powered her thus far seemed to have disappeared.
"You know that's not true. You had no right to steal my Alice and my pain."
"When will you stop already?! Just, stop! Stop beating yourself up over something that I did, not you! What did you ever do to me except be the best boyfriend that I could have ever wished for? You didn't know that it would have that kind of effect either! Of course it wasn't your bloody fault! If, oh, I dunno, Hotaru hadn't agreed to join that talent contest with me I would never have come to Alice Academy and I wouldn't have got the chance to do anything for you! Stupid, I shouldn't swear or get so angry ... or shout. My headache's getting worse now, oh, it hurts ..."
"Bloody doesn't count as even half a swear word. Have they maxxed out your morphine?" He stood up and looked at the various IV fluids.
"Just listen to me for once!" she exploded. "Why are you always so stubborn?" She sighed, and continued in a much quieter voice, "I just, I don't want you to destroy yourself along with me. And don't worry about the drugs; it already feels like torture right now anyway."
He shook his head, but stayed silent, glowering at the floor.
"Promise me that you won't? You need to live a long, happy life - you know you owe me that."
"Hah, that sounded almost profound, coming from an idiot like you."
"It's serious."
He made no answer, but reached over and clasped Mikan's hand. It was cold and trembling, he noticed, and then he was hit by a fresh wave of emotional agony. Ironic, he thought, that a Fire Alice could cause such a chill.
Mikan snuggled back into the bed and closed her eyes. "I heard this song before," she said sleepily.
"What song?"
"Can't you hear it? Tsubasa-sempai must be playing it outside. It was like the Special Class's song; we played it almost every lesson."
And indeed there was a faint melody seeping through the door - a nostalgic, sad tune, and yet there was something almost cheerful about it once you really started to listen. One day, thought Natsume, I will be happy again - but not now.
"Yeah, I can hear it."
"Tell Tsubasa, all of them, to come in when I'm about to go, will you? Please? I want to see them all again."
"I know."
They stayed that way for some time, the dark-haired boy staring at the brunette girl's serene face with a fierce, almost angry expression, and their hands joined as if in marriage - or death.
XXX
The door opened, and Hotaru glanced up from her book. It was Natsume, looking more vulnerable and care-worn than she had ever seen him before.
"Is it time?" she said, getting up out of her armchair.
He nodded, and looked around the fifth floor lobby at the small crowd of people assembled there.
"We need to go," Hotaru announced. The whole room turned to look at her, and then to Natsume and the open door. Moving as one, they filed into room 513, some patting Natsume's back or touching his shoulder in a comforting way. Normally, he would have shaken them off and told them exactly how he felt about their sympathy, but today he didn't have enough energy.
Inside the room, the nurse saw the first of the crowd enter - Hotaru - and touched Mikan. She opened her eyes and beamed. "Hi, guys! I'm so happy you could all make it!"
"Typical Mikan - not even giving up at a time like this," said a voice. Mikan looked around and took in the rather crammed room of people.
"Narumi-sensei? And Luca, and Curly and mind-reader guy, and Anna and Nonoko and Iincho ... I can't believe you all came! Tsubasa-sempai, I heard you playing that song again from outside! And Misaki-sempai, and Tono, and Noda-sensei and plant-teacher-person ... even my real mother, I suppose ... I'm just happy that you're all here. I'm sorry, I can't speak anymore - I'm too tired from talking to you all yesterday, and shouting at Natsume today," she said, a faint smile on her lips. "But you know I love you all, and that's forever ... now, Natsume ... ?"
Natsume came slowly through the crowd, the people in it parting before him and murmuring small words of kindness, and sat back down on the chair. Stroking her brow, he brushed the last lock of chestnut hair from her cheek and kissed her on her cold lips. He felt her last breath on his mouth as he pulled back, and felt her last gaze on his face as she closed her eyes.
"I love you," he whispered, and turned off the switch.
It's not the last. It's not the end.
XXX
A/N: A challenge that was a bit different from all the other ones.
1) NXM
2) no OOC (or at least as little as possible)
3) Natsume kills Mikan at the end (intentionally)
4) All done in less then 2500 words
5) having the line "I heard that song before"
A Few Things:
- go to my profile and vote in the polls for your favourite Gakuen Alice fics of 2008
- Sumire's nickname is Curly in the Tokyopop translation
- I have no idea is euthanasia is legal in Japan, but if it's not, let's just say that Alices have things different
- I wrote this in two hours straight and I'm shattered