December 24, 12:03 am

I sigh in frustration. I rest my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees. My beer sits unopened and growing warm on my coffee table, a puddle of condensation growing around it to almost unmanageable proportions.

I blew it. I've completely and utterly blown it.

Everything is ruined.

December 23, 7:38 pm

Donna left. I can't believe Donna left. Not without saying goodbye, or Merry Christmas, or even "go to hell." Nothing. She's just gone.

Gone to shack up with Jack. Jack who's not even that good looking. So he has a military career—so what? Donna's standards are too low—she thinks if a guy smiles at her she has to give him her heart. Sweet notion, but I have to watch her mope every time one of them breaks her heart, and I don't care for it. She deserves so much better than these idiots who clearly don't know how to appreciate the total package when it arrives at their doorstep.

The same thing's going to happen with Commander Wonderful. She's not going to want to believe it, but he's got trouble written all over him. I bet he has a girl in every port, each of them waiting for him to come back around, all of them sure he's the one.

What kind of gentleman suggests taking his new girlfriend to the Washington Inn of all places over Christmas? Just because it's not my holiday doesn't mean I don't understand the significance for other people. He's known her not even two months, and I know they haven't been seeing each other really more than a couple of weeks, and he suggests they go away to some secluded hotel for the holiday? Does he not care about her family that never gets to see her? Doesn't he have family of his own? If he knew her better, he'd know she's not capable of turning down an offer like that. He doesn't know she doesn't want to make him unhappy, so she'll agree to miss time with her family to so he can keep tabs on her.

Why would she want to be with a loser like that anyway?

Of course, I'm just speculating, but based on what I know of the guy, I think I'm making a pretty good assessment. Look how hard I had to convince him just to give Donna a call. Anyone who needs to be finessed that much to go out with a beautiful, intelligent woman can't have a whole lot going on upstairs. It's not very trustworthy. Actually, it's downright suspicious. Why the hell would he need that much convincing? Donna was very clearly into him and it wasn't until I'd spoken to him multiple times that he was willing to even call her.

What a loser.

I come to a halt, realizing I've been pacing my office like a caged tiger. This is why I'm always vetting the yo-yos Donna dates—because they're all yo-yos. She has zero taste in men and she doesn't know how to gauge a good guy from a sleaze. She just always seems so grateful when a man pays her the slightest bit of attention that all of her good judgment flies right out the window. She would never admit it, but I know she's grateful when I give her a reason to cut her dates short. She likes to fight me on it and call me domineering and pushy, but having me as her excuse to get out of a boring date has worked for her on more than one occasion.

Really, I'm doing her a favor.

I walk over to the window, pressing my head against the cold glass. The snow is coming down pretty hard now. We haven't seen snow like this in December in…hell, I don't know. I wouldn't even know it was December if not for all the lights and decorations everywhere.

Still…it looks bad out there. I don't know how the helicopter she's taking is even going to get through this. I sigh, feeling defeated as I watch my breath fog up the glass. I just can't believe she wouldn't even say goodbye to me. I couldn't have been hard to find.

I blow out another breath, tilting my head in confusion. I wait for the fog on the glass to clear as I squint out into the distance. Is…is that a helicopter? Sitting on the ground just outside the gates?

Is it possible she hasn't left yet?

No—that has to be a different helicopter.

Unless…

I press my face to the window, as if that will help me see better, and I spot a figure on the other side of the fence, head down against the snow. I'm positive that's the same jacket Donna was wearing earlier. It didn't look at all practical for the weather today, but what do I know? She's from Wisconsin. Maybe this weather is practically summer where she's from.

I blink my eyes a few times, trying to make sure I'm not imagining anything, but I can still see her—someone—out there. That has to be her. I can see the ridiculously oversized duffle bag slung over her shoulder. What'd she need a bag so big for, anyway? Was she planning on staying for a week?

Big ass duffle bag like she was planning on wearing a lot of clothes while she was there.

I close my eyes and shudder from head to toe. I cannot go there.

My eyes fly open and I'm suddenly running down the hall. I vaguely see a few people turning to gape at me as I go, but I ignore them. It's not that unusual for someone to be running down the halls of the West Wing, at least not so much that they haven't seen it once or twice before, probably even today.

I burst outside, pausing for a moment as the cold hits me like a punch to the stomach; I wonder for half a second if I should go and grab my jacket but I push that thought aside almost as quickly as it appears. There's no time for that.

I slam through the gates, the evening guard looking up in surprise at the commotion, though apparently he doesn't feel the need to see what the problem is because he doesn't follow me out. I run down the sidewalk in the last direction I saw Donna, putting one arm up to block my face against the driving snow. I squint my eyes, but I can't see her at all. I couldn't have been imagining her. I couldn't have been.

My feet slide under me a little and I cringe as I have to slow down so I don't fall. I don't have time for this. I look around again, relieved to see the chopper is still sitting there, lights blinking, but blades stationary. She's not gone yet.

I push forward, finally coming to the edge of the White House grounds, and grab the fence as I pant. "Donna!" I try to yell, though it comes out more like a wheeze. "DONNA!" I take a few more steps but have to bend over for a second, catching my breath. I'm sure Jack wouldn't have this problem. I'm sure Jack is in tiptop shape.

That thought spurns me on; I straighten my spine and start moving again. This time I can see her, though, her pale hair shining like a beacon. She's handing her duffle bag off to someone on the helicopter. Damn it! "DONNA!"

I can see whoever it is on board gesture over Donna's shoulder and suddenly she turns, her mouth dropping open in surprise. She hurries over to me, concern etched all over her face. I breathe heavily, trying to catch my breath; she puts her hand on my arm, squeezing it.

"Josh?" she asks, her voice tight and high. "What's wrong? Did something happen? I thought Leo said—"

"Don't go," I wheeze, trying to stand up straight.

"What?"

"Don't go," I repeat, my voice getting stronger.

Her face fills with panic. "Josh, what happened? Did you…are you?..."

Understanding comes over me as I get what she's trying to say and wave my hand dismissively. "No, Donna—I'm fine. I just…" I look around, looking for somewhere a touch more quiet for us to talk. I finally spot a small patch of snow-covered bushes, probably not entirely tall enough to conceal us, and take her hand, pulling her toward them.

"Josh, where's your coat? You're going to freeze!"

"I'm fine," I answer dismissively. I can't even feel the cold right now, and I hope that means I'm too amped up and not that frostbite is already setting in. "Come with me."

She doesn't protest as I drag her off, though I can actually feel her bite her tongue. She probably wants to wait until she has my undivided attention before she yells at me. Well, she can yell all she wants after I've said what I need to say.

I finally get us to a more or less secluded spot and pivot to face her. The look on her face is unreadable, which is fair. She probably has no idea what to think of my behavior right now and can't land on rage or confusion until she can get a grip on my mental state.

"Josh, what the hell is going?" she explodes, dropping my hand. "What are you doing out here like this? Where's your coat? You're going to catch your death in this weather. What the hell is happening? Did—"

"Don't go to the Washington Inn," I interrupt, and she actually takes a tiny step back, startled.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't go to the Washington Inn," I repeat, my voice nearly begging. "Don't spend your Christmas with Jack."

"Where do you want me to spend my Christmas?" she asks dryly. "Here at work? Do you suddenly have some obscure reference in a briefing memo from the previous administration that you need by tomorrow and I'm the only one who can possibly find it?"

"Of course not." I reach out and grab her hands again, relieved when she doesn't pull away, though I note that she's not wearing any gloves. "Spend your Christmas with me."

She sighs, dropping her head. "Josh…"

"Please. Donna, please. Don't go with him. Stay here with me."

She shakes her head, looking back up at me, an odd look of disappointment on her face. "Josh, you've got to stop this."

"Stop what?"

"Sabotaging every date I go on."

"I do not!" I exclaim indignantly, even though I know it's true. "You hardly know this guy and you're going away with him? Don't you think you need some more time before you do this whole…thing?"

"I'm an adult, Josh," she answers, the expression on her face hardening. "If I want to go away for a few days with a nice man, I'm allowed."

"He's gonna break your heart," I insist, tightening my hands on hers.

"You don't have to protect me, you know. You're not my big brother."

My stomach caves in, her words hitting me like a physical blow. Is that what she thinks I think of her? Is that how she thinks of me?

"I know I'm not. I don't think of you like a sister. Jesus, Donna!"

"Then what is your problem?!"

"Stay here with me," I beg again, stepping closer to her. "Be with me."

She starts violently, staring at me in shock. "Be…with you?"

"Be with me." I bring her hands up to my chest, holding them tightly. "Be mine."

"Yours?" she whispers.

"Yeah. Don't go. Stay with me."

"Josh…I can't…"

"Yes, you can. You can do anything you want." I take another step closer; we're almost nose to nose.

A loud noise fills the air, wind almost knocking us over, and I realize the helicopter is starting up. It seems to jar Donna out of her trance. "Josh, you can't do this to me. Not now," her voice growing louder to be heard over the engines

My heart hammers in my chest and I'm sure she can feel it. "Donna, I love you!" I yell.

Her eyes grow as wide as saucers; the corner of her mouth quirks up so quickly that I'm pretty sure I've imagined it. "No you don't!"

"No, I really do!"

"You just don't want me to go to Jack!"

I release one of her hands and cup her cheek, vaguely aware of how absurd all this is with me yelling something like this at her. "I love you!"

"Josh…"

"Please, don't go! Spend Christmas with me! Spend New Year's with me! Spend all the holidays with me!" It could be wishful thinking, but I swear she's wavering just a little. An idea hits me out of the blue—it's crazy, completely insane, but I know it's what's right. "Marry me!"

Her mouth falls open, completely astonished. "What?!"

"Marry me!" I shout, feeling myself grin from ear to ear. "I want to marry you!"

I think I've rendered her speechless, not something that happens a lot. I take another chance and lean in, hovering near her mouth for a few seconds before I press my lips to hers. To my infinite relief, she responds immediately.

I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest—I'm kissing Donna! We've never done this before and maybe there are better places to be doing this for the first time, but…we're here, and it's happening. I've never felt anything like this. All sense of time and logic slip away as our arms wrap around each other, the noise and the snow and the cold slipping away as we sink into oblivion.

I never want to come back to earth.

I feel her hands on my chest a split second before she pushes me away.

Then she slaps me.

My hands comes up to my cheek as I stare at her, my chest heaving as I try to catch my breath for the second time tonight. If looks could kill, I would be a dead man right now.

"You can't do this, Josh! You can't come out here and say things like that all because you don't want someone else to have me! That's not for you to decide! You can't tell me you love me because you're afraid I'll love someone else! It's not fair! Jack is a nice guy and me being with him doesn't mean I can't still work for you!" My mouth opens to protest but she ignores me, shoving me again. "You think you can run out here and propose and I'll just drop everything? You suddenly want to be with me and I'm supposed to come running?"

"That's not what this is!"

"I don't believe you! I don't believe anything you have to say to me!" She swipes at her face and my heart constricts painfully—I made her cry.

I reach out for her, wanting nothing more than to take away the pain. "Donna…"

"No! Don't touch me!" She wipes face again and backs away. "I have to go."

I can hardly hear her over the sound of the helicopter's engines, but suddenly she's running away from me, ducking instinctively as runs to the door. She doesn't look back as someone helps her inside.

A few minutes later, she's gone.

I think I'm dying.

December 24, 12:04 am

I've lost Donna for good. Before all this, I might have had a chance one day. It's not like she was ever going to marry Jack—she was going to spend a few months with him at most and then he'd do something stupid to ruin it and I'd be there to help pick up the pieces of her broken heart.

I could have waited. I didn't have to spill my guts to her tonight, not as she was leaving to meet up with her boyfriend.

Except…I couldn't have waited. I had to tell her. I don't want to see her heartbroken again. I don't want to watch her go through the grieving process where she eats tubs of ice cream and emphatically states that all men are scum and starts to doubt her self-worth because why couldn't she hold onto this one? That's the worst part; watching her question herself, like she's at fault because the men she dates are idiots. Personally, I'm relieved that none of these guys have been the one, but that doesn't mean I like to watch her get crushed every few months, whether it's after one date or ten. These guys don't deserve her.

I rub the heels of my hands against my eyes. Obviously, I don't deserve her, either, not after the way I treated her tonight.

I hear someone knocking on my neighbor's door, and I wonder briefly why they have visitors this time of night. Of course, it's now Christmas Eve and they all probably have various friends and family coming over to celebrate.

I hear the knocking again and drag my head up, eyeing my door suspiciously. I hear the knock again and I'm on my feet. Whoever is on the other side picked the wrong apartment to harass. I'm not at all in the mood and they're going to know all about it.

I yank open the door, whatever it was I going to say dying on my lips as I see Donna standing there. She stares me, her expression unreadable once again. "Hi," I manage to breathe, not sure if I'm actually awake.

She stares at me for another few seconds before she gestures impatiently. "Are you going to let me in?"

I step aside immediately, holding my arm out to welcome her in, and she brushes past me. Her duffle bag lands on the floor with a thud. She pulls off her winter coat, the silly snowflake sweater she's had on all day suddenly making my knees weak. Still, she says nothing, keeping her back to me.

"What are you doing here?" I ask incredulously, closing the door cautiously. "Not that I'm not happy to see you—"

"I broke up with Jack."

I freeze in my tracks. "What?"

"I got to the Washington Inn, and I was ready to just relax and enjoy myself. Jack was waiting for me as I landed and he smiled when he saw me—" I make a face at that, not wanting to think about Donna with Jack in any capacity— "and he said 'Hello,' and I said, 'I can't see you anymore.' Then I got back on the helicopter and left. I apologized first—he went to so much trouble for all this—but…yeah, I left."

My heart is pounding so hard right now I think it's going to explode. My stomach is churning, and it's entirely possible that I'm going to be sick. "Why?"

She finally turns to face me, smiling almost sadly. "You really have to ask that?"

"I really need to hear it," I whisper, taking a tentative step toward her.

"I couldn't be with him anymore. It would have been a lie, and even though you don't seem to think much of him, Jack is a good man and I didn't want to do that to him."

"Donna…"

"Yes."

I cock my head in confusion, taking a step toward her. "Huh?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"I don't get it."

She rolls her eyes, though I can see her usual humor and sparkle returning, and moves toward me. "Ask me again."

"Ask you again?"

"Yeah."

"What am I asking you?" We're toe-to-toe now, our bodies nearly pressed together, and I feel so confused. Two minutes ago I was wallowing in self-pity, wondering if I was ever actually going to see Donna again. Now she's in my apartment, telling me she's broken up with Jack and my head is spinning.

"I guess you didn't really ask before, did you? Maybe it was more of a demand." The light bulb over my head is starting to flicker. "Or a request? Still—"

"Will you marry me?" I blurt out, bringing my hands up to rest on her hips, keeping my touch light so if I'm reading this entirely wrong, she'll be able to escape quickly.

She smiles, though; slowly at first, until the grin nearly takes over her face. Her eyes fill with tears suddenly and her arms wrap around my shoulders. "Yes," she repeats in a whisper, and I suddenly get why she kept saying "yes."

The bottom drops out of my stomach and I feel lightheaded. "You're gonna…you'll marry…we're getting married?"

"If you think you still want me."

I can't help it—I laugh. I tighten my hold on her and laugh like a madman for a few long seconds. I know I'm dreaming. I'm sure of it. This isn't happening.

I just hope I never wake up.

I lean in and press my lips to hers, and she kisses me back with more enthusiasm than before. She's warm and solid in my arms, her body pressing against mine in ways it never has before. This kiss is even better than the first.

"Am I dreaming?" I ask against her mouth. She pulls back a little at that, breathing heavily, and pinches the back of my neck. I hiss in pain, grinning an instant later. "Guess not."

"Guess not," she repeats. She leans in and kisses me again.

This is happening. I pull back, staring at her in wonder. "We're getting married?"

"Looks like it," she confirms. A weird look comes over her face and she stiffens a little against me. "You can still change your mind if you want to."

"Not on your life," I answer. "I'm never letting you go again."

She grins again, tightening her grip on me. "Just so you know, I love you, too."

All I can do is kiss her.