Author's Note: More crack! Yay! (Okay actually it's not really ridiculously cracky but I tried okay I really did I have something to post now aren't you proud of me?)
I'm so sorry. About that one thing (Lams fic). Not being updated. For like 2 months. BUT IT'S SUMMER AND I HAVE TIME AND I WILL GET TO IT SO SO SOON I PROMISE AND THERE WILL BE TWO CHAPTERS NOT JUST ONE.
Sigh.
Anyway, enjoy. Lyrics from La Vie Boheme from Rent written by Jonathan Larson, etc. No, I'm not translating the French right here. There's not much of it. It is directly from Google translate. Do it yourself if you find it necessary.
Sigh. I'm so sorry.
"Oh my god, Peggy, not again!" Angelica angrily whisper-shouted in the ear of her younger sister, who looked up at her with her large, innocent eyes. Eliza and Angelica fell into formation, automatically shielding their sister from the sight of their parents as the sisters calmly fled up the stairs, keeping the cat that curiously peeked out from Peggy's tucked jacket out of sight.
Eliza looked at Angelica worriedly, but the older sister was fuming too much to notice. "Last week, it was the bird, the week before that, the pregnant bunny, and now Mrs. Washington's cat! Seriously, Peggy! You have to stop this!"
Peggy ignored all of Angelica's scolding, happily petting her new animal who was purring at an alarming volume. They finally make it to the top of the stairs, and Angelica dragged Peggy into her room. Eliza closed the door lightly behind them.
"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" Angelica bellowed softly. Eliza flinched and jumped back, not used to her sister this enraged. But Peggy paid no notice at all. The girls were still in their finery, having just returned from Mr. and Mrs. Washington's dinner party that their father had insisted they go to. It was purely for show, and there was absolutely nothing for them to do there, although Eliza had caught the eye of one of Washington's adopted sons and she spent the night doing a socially-awkward dance with him, both trying to avoid him and get closer to him. Apparently, Peggy had occupied herself with cat-knapping. Outside was dark, the winter snow frosting over Angelica's window. Snowflakes glinted in the girls' hair, and Eliza shucked off her jacket, waiting for Angelica to instill punishment.
Peggy had to have some credit for her thievery; under her thick winter coat, the bulge of the hidden cat could hardly be seen. Neither of the sisters had even noticed until they were home.
Angelica took the cat from Peggy's grasp, despite her protests, and placed the feline on the bed. It was skinny but nimble, turning in circles and assessing its surroundings with lazy interest. Angelica tried to pick it up again and it backed away.
"How could you have been so stupid? How are we going to put it back, huh? This isn't like one of your wild birds, we can't just open the window and let it go!" Angelica asked her sister and began to pace, clearly trying to find a way to fix the situation. Peggy meekly backed away and wrapped her arms around the cat.
"I found him, so I can keep him!" Peggy squawked in defense. Angelica rolled her eyes.
"That's not how the world works, Peggy! He's probably Mrs. Washington's cat, you know how she likes adopting the strays. You can't just take other people animals!" Angelica sighed again and went to pick up the cat. That time, she was too quick for him to back away, and Peggy protested, grabbing for the creature. "Go to bed, Peggy. Eliza," Angelica motioned for Eliza to follow her, as they left a tearful Peggy in her room.
Angelica made a few sharp turns, Eliza following close behind, and then closed her bedroom door firmly once they were both inside.
The looked at each other.
"A cat," Angelica said. Eliza gave her a knowing look and then went to scoop the squirming cat from Angelica's arms.
"So," Eliza said as she began to bounce the cat on her hip like a baby. It started purring almost immediately. "What's the plan?"
"Why do you assume I have a plan?" Angelica snapped. Eliza knew that it was only because she was irritated, but it was strange to see her sister so crude.
"Do you?"
Angelica was silent for a long moment. "Wait here," she said, commanding with her pointer finger like an annoyed elementary teacher. "I have a call to make."
"Of course," Eliza smiled as her sister stalked to the other side of the room, groaning and huffing all the while.
It wasn't the sneaking out that was the difficult part. It was climbing down two stories of stone walls with a cat that made the maneuver hopelessly challenging. Eliza squeaked and bit her lip whenever she felt like she was going to fall off the thin outcroppings outside Angelica's window. The route was familiar, but the cat strapped to her chest in a baby-carrier was throwing off her balance. Of course, it was all part of the plan. Angelica always had a plan, even if she didn't need one. Eliza was sometimes worried that her sister would consider going into a career of espionage.
"One more ledge," Angelica called up to Eliza supportively. Less supportively, she looked around, her eyebrows scrunched together when she whisper-shouted, "Hurry up! He's going to be here soon!"
Her sister had a threatening whisper-shout. Eliza made her way down the last ledge quickly.
On the dismount onto the grass, Eliza wobbled forward, nearly crashing herself down on the cat, but Angelica caught her arm and steadied her.
"About time," she grumbled, and Eliza was too jittery and out of breath to give her sister more than a burning, incredulous glare. "He's driving up right now."
Angelica grabbed her wrist and dragged her down to the street, out of view of the mansion's many windows, where a small, red VW Beetle was waiting. Eliza panted and wobbled along with her sister. The cat was clawing at her shirt, purring steadily.
"If this is what it's like to be pregnant, I'll pass," Eliza groaned, and Angelica snorted. She wasted no time shoving Eliza into the car and hoping in the passenger seat. Eliza wondered for a brief moment if her sister was abducting her.
Eliza readily began to unstrap the carrier from her chest, much to the cat's discomfort. She paid no attention to their driver until he turned to her and crooned, "Hello, Eliza," in a ridiculously thick accent.
"Um, hi," she stuttered. "Wait, aren't you one of Mr. Washington's adopted kids?"
"Monsieur Lafayette, at your service, Madam Schuyler."
Eliza glanced at Angelica. "Wow," she assessed, somewhat dumbfounded and wide-eyed.
Angelica nodded. "Lafayette owes me." Her sister's scary gaze was now fixed on their chauffer, who only bobbed his head solemnly, though it was hard to tell if he was serious since he was grinning widely. Angelica caught Eliza's dismayed look and breezily explained, "There was an incident, involving several broken arcade machines and Italian pastries. But that's a whole nother story," Angelica dismissed it with a wave of her hand and buckled into her seat.
"Um, okay," Eliza said, wrestling with the buckles on the carrier and the cat squirming on her chest. She barely got it unstrapped from her back before the car took off. Eliza was thrown across the back of the car, and the cat shrieked, thrown to the opposite side.
Eliza quickly buckled and scooped the cat back up. He was still squirming mercilessly, but Eliza had a good grip. When you had younger siblings, you learned how to handle things, like biting and clawing and even vomiting children. A cat wasn't much different.
By the time Eliza had finally settled into her seat and had the cat safely in her lap, Lafayette had cranked up the radio and was engaged in a friendly conversation with Angelica.
Eliza rolled her eyes, and then belted over the noise, "SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN PLAY ANYTHING BUT BRITNEY SPEARS. ANYTHING."
Lafayette shot her a glare, then obediently began flipping through his, music, grumbling, "Hmph. You should be grateful for my music taste. If Mulligan was here it would only be Katy Perry. I swear, if I have to hear about feeling like a, erm, plastic bag one more time – what does that even mean?!" Lafayette threw his hands in the air and briefly lost control of the car. During that incident, the cat managed to loosen Eliza's grip and began to climb up to her shoulder. He only managed to get his paw stuck down her shirt.
Lafayette started up some number from what Eliza was guessing was a decently vulgar musical. Angelica and he shouted out the words in perfect synchronization. "TO HAND CRAFTED BEERS MADE IN LOCAL BREWERIES. TO YOGA, TO YOGURT TO RICE AND BEANS AAAND CHEESE. TO LEATHER TO DILDOS TO CURRY VINDALOO. TO HUEVOS RANCHEROS AND MAYA ANGELOU."
Eliza couldn't say she hated it.
By this time, the cat's pawing had thoroughly annoyed Eliza, but fear still clenched her stomach when they pulled around the side of the Washington's place. Eliza wondered why Lafayette wasn't pulling into the garage to park his car, since he lived there, but she didn't feel like bringing it up.
Angelica helped her out of the car, none too gently, and Eliza crouched down in the bushes next to Lafayette and her sister. "Okay, what's the plan?" she murmured.
"Well," Angelica began, conspiratorially, "Lafayette says there's a courtyard around that way in front of the garage, and there's a cat door there. Just sneak him in there, and we're good.
"Why can't I just leave him on the lawn? Isn't he an outdoor cat?" Eliza asked, knowing that if she was caught by anyone in residence that she would have no excuse or explanation.
"We have to make sure he doesn't follow us. And from the way he's pawing your boob, I wouldn't be surprised if he did."
Eliza tried to ignore her sister's comment, and asked a more pressing question. "Why aren't you doing it?"
"What?"
"Why do I have to return the cat? You're the one who blew a gasket when Peggy showed us! You had us sneak out of the house! You do it!"
"Oh, my dear Eliza," Angelica cooed. "I may have made the plan, but you're the one who went along with it. My plan is that you will put that damn cat back where it came from, and Lafayette and I will wait here."
"Why doesn't Lafayette bring the cat inside? He lives there!"
When he heard his name, Lafayette turned. "Hm? Je ne te comprends pas, Eliza. Pardon."
Eliza growled as Angelica shoved her out onto the lawn. "Go!"
Eliza ran. It was easier now that she had her own grip on the struggling animal instead of having the extra weight strapped to her chest. His nails dug into her bare arms and she wished she had grabbed a jacket. Unfortunately, staying warm in the night air hadn't been part of Angelica's plan. Neither had sensible shoes, apparently, and now Eliza's flats were stuffed with snow and she was shivering. At least the cat was warm.
She ducked under whatever shrubbery there was for her to take cover under, but it wasn't necessary. Most of the lights in the house seemed to be turned off, everyone tucked in for the night.
Well, not everyone, it seemed.
Eliza found the courtyard and tip-toed over to the door quickly, sliding the cat in through the cat door. "There you go, little guy. Stay there. No more paws down my shirt, no, no, stay," she tried to coax him in. Before she could do so successfully, the door opened, promptly hitting her on the head, she cried out, then clasped a hand over her mouth. She'd been caught. Shit. Shit, shit, shitshitshitshit.
The door opened fully and the cat scampered away, leaving a trail of paw prints in the snow. It only then occurred to Eliza that she could be traced the same way.
"Um," the boy that Eliza had been avoiding/following earlier at the party stood in the doorway, perplexed. She could only imagine what she looked like to him, clutching her head and her mouth, still in her evening finery with claw marks all over her arms. There was a pen tucked behind his ear, and unlike earlier, he wore bent glasses that sat crooked on his nose. It seemed like he was the only one in the house that was awake.
"I can explain," Eliza blurted out. The boy only looked at her.
"Okay," Eliza sighed, "I really can't. Not in any plausible way. Not in any way that will make it seem totally logical for me to be traipsing in your yard at night with a cat. But I swear, it was absolutely nothing, and I'll just-"
The boy closed the door and came to stand in front of her, crossing his arms and smiling at her coyly.
"I think," he said, "we can let this whole thing slide, if, the next time you decide to come traipsing in my yard at night with a cat, you invite me along."
Eliza was stunned. She had returned a stolen cat, gotten caught, and then gotten asked out.
She held out her hand and smiled, blushing, but she doubted it made a difference as her cheeks must have been red with cold anyway. "It's a deal, as long as we can keep the cat out of it."
Angelica couldn't have been happier to have Lafayette indebted to her. He was remarkably useful. With the hypersensitive binoculars he kept in his car, she saw everything. And watching her sister flirting with Alexander Hamilton was definitely something she did not want to miss.
"You planned this all along," Lafayette smiled at her, watching the scene play out through his own pair of binoculars. "Didn't you?"
Angelica grinned. "It's always part of the plan."