WHEN ANTI-DEPRESSANTS ATTACK!
SNAPE: Finally, a prescription for the anti-depressants I so desperately need. I'm so happy, they're already working!
DUMBLEDORE: (singing) Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up, then just head right on up to the Candy Mountain Cave!
SNAPE: Can I borrow some crack from you?
DUMBLEDORE: I'm not on crack, it's in my blood! My mum smoked it so now I'm insane! Figure that one!
RON: Dumblycakes, isn't it time to meet your therapist?
DUMBLEDORE: Why yes, it is. I'd better go or I might get unantidisrandomniosis. (exits)
SNAPE: That guy's retarded. (takes anti-depressants) Whoa am i on drugs?
HERMOINE: Well, you should be, technically anti-depressants are drugs.
HARRY: Yeah, what Hermoine said.
RON: Yeah, what Hermoine said.
HERMOINE: Do you even know what I said?
RON: Yes, you said Snape's on drugs.
HERMOINE: And do you know what that means?
RON: No.
HARRY: God, Ron, sometimes you're stupider than Piras.
SNAPE: Isn't Piras dead?
HARRY: Yes.
RON: And you rape her every night.
SNAPE: I do? That sounds fun.
HERMOINE: Did Snape just say something was fun?
SNAPE: Who is this Snape, he sounds really depressed.
HARRY: Well, you should know who he is.
SNAPE: Why, is he my best friend?
RON: Kinda.
HERMOINE: In a certain way.
SNAPE: Eew, are we gay lovers? Because I don't think I'm gay.
RON: Why aren't you?
HARRY: Not everybody's gay! Live with it! Besides, Snape doesn't like anybody except his Piras corpse.
SNAPE: Yeah, Snape doesn't like anybody.
HARRY: OK, something's seriously wrong with Snape.
SNAPE: gasp Is it serious?
RON: Well, he forgot who he was.
SNAPE: I can't imagine what that must be like.
HERMOINE: And his personality is the complete opposite of what it was.
SNAPE: That does sound serious. I'll bake him some cookies. singing Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama, fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama, llama, duck. Llama, llama, cheesecake, llama, tablet, brick, potato, llama, llama, llama, mushroom, llama, llama, llama, duck. exits
DUMBLEDORE: What's wrong with Snape?
RON: He's happy.
DUMBLEDORE: GASP That sounds serious!
HERMOINE: Did your personality change too, I noticed you're still wearing clothes.
RON: Take them off!
HARRY: No Ron, not in front of us.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I'm feeling kinda Snapeish today.
RON: Ooh, my poor baby.
DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, my therapist is making me take these depressants. He thinks I'm "too happy" and that I'm "psychotic." Isn't that the craziest thing you ever heard?
HERMOINE: Well, normal people aren't happy all the time.
HARRY: Not to mention, they don't randomly burst into song and or dance.
RON: But that's why I love him.
SNAPE: The cookies should be ready at 27:83.
HERMOINE: That's not even a real time.
SNAPE: You're not a real time.
HERMOINE: Well, no I'm not.
SNAPE: I win! Give me all your hamcakes!
RON: What's a hamcake?
HARRY: Honestly, Ron, you don't know anything!
HERMOINE: Other than the fact that that's true, a hamcake isn't a real thing.
RON: Hey, did you just say that I don't know anything?
HERMOINE: Pretty much.
RON: Hey, I'm very very very much inteligenter than my head!
HARRY: I can tell by your well crafted, highly grammatical sentence.
SNAPE: Snape rhymes with rape so I like grapes!
HARRY: That was odd.
HERMOINE: Yeah, Snape, why the sudden change in tude?
SNAPE: Hey are you calling me Snape? I thought Snape was my friend?
HARRY: No, you're Snape.
SNAPE: GASP So that means... I get the cookies! And I'm queen of the leprechauns!
RON: Dumblycakes said that I was queen of the leprechauns! Dumbledore enters Right, Dumbly?
DUMBLEDORE: No.
RON: What's your change in 'tude all about, Dumblycakes?
DUMBLEDORE: Why are you calling me Dumblycakes? My name is Dumbledore!
RON: But that's a fun nickname.
DUMBLEDORE: It sounds gay.
RON: GASP But... I thought.. you were...CRIES
SNAPE: Do you want to touch my package?
RON: GASP Oh God YES I WOULD!
SNAPE: You can touch it and feel it and stare at it all night long.
RON: Gimme gimme gimme gimme!
SNAPE: Here it is!
RON: No, I wanted your other package.
SNAPE: OK. holds another box Here it is!
RON: This isn't what I meant.
SNAPE: It's a present.
RON: opens box This isn't a presnt! It's just a picture of a llama eating a foot!
SNAPE: Well you, ma'am, have no talent!
RON: Did you draw this yourself?
SNAPE: No, the green fairy drew it.
HARRY: Wow, Snape, can I buy some crack from you?
SNAPE: Shh, you'll wake the fudge monster.
HERMOINE: What does that even mean?
RON: Now, who's the one not understanding things?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, you're still a homo.
RON: So are you!
DUMBLEDORE: No one calls me a homo, eleventy hundred thousand points from Gryffindor.
HERMOINE: It might be more intimidating it was a real number.
DUMBLEDORE: You're not a real number.
HERMOINE: Is everybody using that line today?
SNAPE: My cucumber pants speak Swahili. HEE HEE
RON: Did you just do a Michael Jackson?
HARRY: THAT'S NOT NATURAL! Snape's not supposed to do Michael Jackson or be happy! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE! RUNS OFF STAGE DUMBLEDORE AND HERMOINE EXIT AND RON TRIES TO FOLLOW
SNAPE: Your mother looks like a cactus.
RON: She does not! She just has sharp hairs poking out all over her body. She does not look like a cactus! RUNS OFFSTAGE
RON: Snape just said my mother looked like a cactus.
HERMOINE: She kinda does.
HARRY: Yeah, she's got those hairs coming out of her body.
RON: Well, it's still not nice!
HERMOINE: This only proves my point, what's wrong with Snape?
HARRY: Don't know, don't care. I kinda like the new Snape.
SNAPE: This is the song I like to sing./ This is the song about nothing./ My cheesy pickles ate my parrot./ This is the song about nothing./ How do we know when it ends?
HARRY: New Snape is cool! I wanna party with this guy!
RON: I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait for Potions Class!
NEXT POTIONS CLASS
SNAPE: Today, we're going to learn about stuff and ponies so take out your chicken wings and let's party with a unicorn!
HERMOINE: Yay! He's still heavily medicated!
RON: And he's been taking his super anti-depressants!
HERMOINE: I just said that.
HARRY: singing Who is a retard? Ron is!
RON: Oh thank you, Harry. I didn't know you could be so sincere.
HARRY: But... nevermind.
NEVILLE: Professer, we don't use chicken wings and unicorns in Potions class.
SNAPE: This isn't Potions class, you silly willy walnut head!
NEVILLE: Yes it is. It says so on my list of classes.
HARRY: Neville, you retard! This is Party with a Crackhead class.
MALFOY: And Potter's the crackhead.
HARRY: Seriously, Malfoy, that was ONE time! Let it go!
SNAPE: OK, now I'm going to ask a bunch of serious questions and if you get one right you get 834,545,234,124,257,464 points.
MALFOY: I'll let the Gryffindors answer this since we already have 5 pintillion more points than you do.
HERMOINE: Not a real number.
MALFOY: You're not a real number!
HERMOINE: Ugh!
SNAPE: Okay, first question. How many times has your lemon-scented pickle done the macarena when you weren't looking?
HERMIONE: Ummm. . . 12?
SNAPE: That is correct! That annoyingly long number for Gryffindor! Okay, next question! What color scent to the vampire bunnies wear on Pulternaday?
RON: Uh... is it purple?
SNAPE: Yes! You win the points, young lady!
RON: I'm a boy!
SNAPE: No you're not, because I said so!
RON: Well, if you want me to be a girl. . .
HARRY: Ron, please!
SNAPE: Next question. What part of the monkeys in Palinkistan. . .
HERMIONE: Not a real country.
SNAPE: You're not a real country.
HERMIONE: Ugh!
SNAPE: Now let me finish. What part of the monkeys in Palinkistan are the color lasagna?
HARRY: Uhm, er, the foot-eating llama?
SNAPE: YOU WIN, Sharply dressed cactus!
HERMIONE: No pun intended.
MALFOY: I fail to see how any of this is related to potions class in any way.
SNAPE: Well, I fail to see why your toe is attached to your bandana.
MALFOY: That doesn't make any sense. Are you on crack like Harry Pothead?
HARRY: IT WAS ONE FREAKIN' TIME! GET OVER IT!
SNAPE:Smeagal!
NEVILLE: What's a Smeagal, Professor Snape.
SNAPE: The reason your grandmother smells funny.
NEVILLE: My grandmother does not smell funny, she just smells a little ripe.
HARRY: No, Neville, your grandmother smells like troll #!+.
NEVILLE: Oooh, Professor, Harry just used raunchy language.
SNAPE: Well, it's true. She smells like Dobby's sock.
NEVILLE: I'm telling Professor Dumbledore.
HARRY: Dumbledore's too depressed to care!
cut to Dumbledore's office
DUMBLEDORE: I cut myself to feel alive!
RON: Potion's Class is fun! I can't wait for tomorrow.
TOMORROW
SNAPE: Welcome to another thrilling day of Crackheadpalooza!
MALFOY: And Potter's the teacher.
HARRY: ONE TIME!
SNAPE: 62 times!
HARRY: Snape!
SNAPE: I win!
MALFOY: Dang, Potter, you should check out Rehab if you've done pot 62 times!
HARRY: Ugh! Avada Ke--
HERMOINE: Harry, remember that talk about controlling your anger.
HARRY: I hate that talk!
RON: Can we talk about homosexuality?
ALL(except Ron): NO!
VOLDEMORT enters
VOLDEMORT: Hello, unsuspecting children!
RON: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!(runs around and screams)
VOLDEMORT: Now who gets to die first?
HARRY: Malfoy!
SNAPE: Me!
VOLDEMORT: Eeny meeny miney moe! Well, Snape you win!
SNAPE: Yay, what's my prize?
VOLDEMORT: A nice vacation to Heaven and or Hell. Avada Ke--
SNAPE: Oooh! I can do spells too! Avada Kedavra! (kills Voldemort)
ALL: Yay!
SNAPE: When am I going on vacation?
HERMOINE: At the end of the seventh book.
SNAPE: What?
HERMOINE: What?
DUMBLEDORE:
Go to sleep, close your eyes,
And dream of broken butterflies
That
tore their wings against a thorn.
You know the pain that they have
borne.
Silver blade, shine so bright.
Scarlet blood feels so
right.
Dream of that blood trickling down,
And wake up just
before you drown.
The moonlight shimmers off your tears
As you
bleed out your own worst fears.
So tonight, when you start to
cry,
Whisper the cutter's lullaby:
Rock-a-bye baby, you're
almost dead.
You don't have a pulse and your pillow is red.
Your
family hates you, your friends let you bleed,
So sleep tight with
a knife, because it's all that you need.
Rock-a-bye baby, broken
and scarred.
You didn't know life would be this hard.
Time to
end the pain you hid so well,
And down will come baby, straight
back from hell.
AWKWARD SILENCE
SNAPE: I like poetry too!
A cat is in the tree.
Elephants are fun to eat.
Beans are good for you and I.
I like to color pie.
Bananas are fruit, like Ron.
RON: Hey! I am not a banana.
SNAPE:The monkey in the bathroom was blue.
Purple is my favorite scent.
Canaries to the store went
F is for donkeys, U is for cow
Z is for tired, which I am now.
VOTE BRACAK OAMBA!
MALFOY: I like his poem better.
DUMBLEDORE: Of corse you would! Everyone hates me!
RON: I don't! I love you!
DUMBLEDORE: 500,000 points from Gryffyndor! I AM NOT A HOMO!
RON: You should be.
HARRY: What's wrong with you?
SNAPE: There was a blue monkey in the bathroom this morning and it smelled like magenta!
RON: Magenta's a good scent but everyone knows blue monkeys only like refrigerators.
SNAPE: See for yourself, Talking watermelon of wonder!
HARRY: Come on! Everyone knows that there's no such thing as a blue monkey!
RON: There are too! Right, Hermoine?
HERMOINE: No.
SNAPE: There are too, there's one in the bathroom.
HARRY: Let me see this blue monkey! goes to bathroom OH MY GOD!
EVERYONE GOES TO BATHROOM
RON: There is a blue monkey in the bathroom! Hey little guy, you wanna be my boyfri-monkey attacks
DUMBLEDORE: LAUGHS That's hilarious!
RON: GASP I make you happy!
DUMBLEDORE: No, I'm laughing at your pain beyotch!
RON: Why must you do this to me!
DUMBLEDORE: Because it's fun.
MALFOY: Once again I fail to see what any of this has to do with Potions Class.
SNAPE: And once again, I fail to see why your toe is attached to your bandana!
NEVILLE: I actually like this better.
MALFOY: You would, considering that you don't have to learn anything, and then look stupid when you forgot what you just learned.
NEVILLE: Voldemort's nipple!
MALFOY: What did you just call me?!
NEVILLE: Ugh...Moldyshort's pickle.
MALFOY: You're weird!
RON: And you're sexy!
SNAPE: OK! THIS is a Smeagal, fat boy.
NEVILLE: You don't have to call me names. My grandmother hurts my self-esteem enough! cries
HARRY: Snape made Neville cry. Hooray!
HERMIONE: You're such a bastard.
HARRY: And being a smart bitch is so much better?
HERMIONE: As a matter of fact, it is.
HARRY: Why is that thing here? He's not even in Harry Potter!
SMEAGAL: Smeagal is looking for the precious.
RON: I think my Dumblycakes is precious.
SMEAGAL: Take Smeagal to this Dumblycakes! Ron and Smeagal go to Dumbledore's office.
RON: Oh, Dumblycakes!
DUMBLEDORE: GO TO HELL!
RON: But I don't want to! I haven't seen Paris! Not the retarded, dead one, the city that people actually want to see.
SNAPE:RANDOMLY POPS UP I like to see Piras, too.
RON: You like the city too?
SNAPE: No, the one I rape every night.
MALFOY: That's highly disturbing.
SNAPE: You're highly disturbing.
MALFOY: to Hermoine I can see why that line annoys you, Mudblood.
DUMBLEDORE: to Ron and Smeagal Get in and make it quick!
RON: Smeagal's looking for the precious so I told him you were my precious.
SMEAGAL: This isn't the precious Smeagal was looking for.
DUMBLEDORE: Nothing in life is precious except death! So if you want a precious, you can witness my suicide!
RON: But you're old so you're probably gonna die in 5 minutes anyway. So, there's no point to committing suicide!
DUMBLEDORE: Good point.Ron and Smeagal go back to Potions Class
SMEAGAL: Where's the real precious?
RON: Well, I've got a precious for ya right here.
SMEAGAL: Let Smeagal see!
HARRY: No, your eyes will burn out of your skull! It's hideous!
RON: I was just going to show him my hot dog! pulls an actual hot dog out of his pants
SMEAGAL: That's not the precious either.
HARRY: Oh, I thought you meant something else. Nevermind.
RON: I could show you my penis if you want.
HARRY: No, Ron. That's OK.
SMEAGAL: So, do you have any real preciouses?
SNAPE: SHHHHHHH! You'll wake the fudge monster again! Do you want him to eat all our babies?
HERMIONE: We don't even have babies.
RON: Oh, don't be so sure about that.
HARRY: Uh, Ron, two men can't make a baby.
RON: Then none of us have any babies.
SNAPE: The pixie dust does.
HERMIONE: Yeah, okay. I'm sure it does.
SMEAGAL: You are one strange man.
RON: He realizes I'm a man. Why's it so hard to understand.
SMEAGAL: Oh, Smeagal wasn't talking to you young lady. Smeagal was talking to him.
HERMIONE: I thought we were past this. I'M A GIRL!
SMEAGAL: Not you, HIM!
SNAPE: singsong Elephant butterflies are really cool, even though they kind of smell bad.
HARRY: Ok, new Snape is getting really old, really fast.
RON: Yeah, but he doesn't take points away from Gryffindor like he used to.
HERMIONE: But we haven't learned anything in like three days
RON: Oh, you poor nerd.
HERMIONE: Just because I need to learn doesn't make me a nerd
HARRY: Actually it kinda does
NEVILLE: Yeah, it kinda does
SMEAGAL: Smeagal think it does too, just a little bit
MALFOY: Hermione's a super-nerd.
HERMIONE: You're such a bastard, like Harry.
HARRY: I am nothing like Malfoy. He's too stupid to be like me
MALFOY: Don't you mean too awesome?
HARRY: Why would I say that?
MALFOY: Because you know it's true.
SNAPE: There was a little tiny guinea pig sitting on the stairs drinking frog milk
HARRY: Is this true like the monkey in the bathroom?
SNAPE: Only if the cauldron butt says it is.
SMEAGAL: Cauldrons don't have butts
SNAPE: You don't have a butt.
RON: Do you have a butt, Smeagal?
HARRY: As gay as that question sounds, were all curious
SMEAGAL: Uh, um, look a monkey.
RON: I'll go check just to see.
SMEAGAL: Whether Smeagal has a butt or not is noone's business except Smeagal's
RON: But we're curious!
SMEAGAL: Look, a person.
DUMBLEDORE: Why must everybody stare? I'm unique, just like everybody else.
SNAPE: No, you're not, you only have nineteen toes.
DUMBLEDORE: ONLY 19? Normal pplz only have 10.
SMEAGAL: Are you saying Smeagal isn't normal?
DUMBLEDORE:
You're not even human. What are you anyway?
SMEAGAL: Smeagal is a
Smeagal. Are you retarded also?
DUMBLEDORE: No.
RON:
Smeagal, can you make Dumblycakes not an emo anymore?
SMEAGAL:
What's an emo?
RON: Nevermind.
DUMBLEDORE: Would you stop calling me Dumblycakes? That's a stupid gay nickname.
RON: But you used to love it.
DUMBLEDORE: Don't tell me what I used to love. I don't love anything but death.
DUMBLEDORE LEAVES
RON: Why doesn't he love me?
HERMIONE: Maybe you should try doing something for him.
RON: That's a good idea. Snape, may I skip class?
SNAPE: If you skip class, you'll be expelled for the rest of the unicorn's birthday.
RON: I'll give you a shiny penny.
SNAPE: Ok, as long as you're back before the green fairy strikes midnight. And Malfoy's the green fairy, and he better not argue or that'll be 70 million points away from Slytherin.
MALFOY: The only person who's a fairy is your friend.
HARRY: Ron's gay and proud of it. I'm sure Crabbe and Goyle are making out in the bathroom, but you just don't want to admit it.
MALFOY: Actually, they're doing something else.
HARRY: Are they doing it?
RON: Oooooooooo!! Before I do something for my Dumblycakes, I'm going to check it out.
RON
LEAVES
RON
COMES BACK TWENTY MINUTES LATER
RON:
It didn't work!
HERMOINE: What did you do?
RON: I played a song for him...naked.
HARRY: Snape, may I be excused to go barf?
SNAPE: OK, but only if you come back before the birthday party.
HARRY: Oh, yeah, I won't miss Malfoy being the green fairy.
MALFOY: Shut up, Potter.
HERMOINE: to Ron Well...maybe he only likes emo boys now!
RON: That might be true! Snape, could I skip class again?
SNAPE: You'll let all the pixies down if you leave us!
RON: But what if I give you two shiny pennies and a piece of lint?
SNAPE: OK, you're free to go frolic in the orange juice!
RON: Off to the emomobile!
HERMIONE: You mean your closet?
RON: Yes. Ron leaves again
SNAPE: Now, we have the guest of honor, the birthday unicorn.
CHARLIE: Well, I guess this is better than spending my time with those pink and blue retards.
PINK UNICORN: Hey, Happy birthday Charlie.
BLUE UNICORN:Yeah, Charlie, have a magical birthday, Charlie.
CHARLIE:under his breath I spoke too soon. yelling How did you two find me here?
PINK: We took a ride to Candy Mountain on the magic train of the leopleurodon's foot.
CHARLIE: This isn't Candy Mountain.
BLUE: Noooooooo! The leopleurodon lied to us!
PINK: Nooooooooooooooooo!
SNAPE: Hey, where's my green fairy?
HARRY: pointing to Malfoy He's right here, Professor!
SNAPE: Who are you calling Professor, hamcake? And Green Fairy, get your fairy costume on. It smells like cauldron bum.
MALFOY to Harry I hate you. You suck.
HARRY: I know you do.
(MALFOY LEAVES AND THEN COMES BACK AS THE GREEN FAIRY)
NEVILLE: laughing You look retarded. It suits you.
MALFOY:
Shut up, Longbottom.
BLUE: Hey, Charlie, why can't I be the green
fairy, Charlie?
PINK: I wanna be the green fairy, Charlie.
BLUE: No let me be the green fairy.
CHARLIE: Oh, my God, you guys are so annoying.
SNAPE: Malfoy's the green fairy, but you can dance with my cucumbers.
BLUE: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay, Charlie, did you hear that Charlie?
PINK: Yeah, Charlie, did you hear that, Charlie, we get to dance with the cucumbers, Charlie.
BLUE: Yeah, the cucumbers, the magical cucumbers.
CHARLIE: Will you like go over there and not bother me.
SMEAGAL: Smeagal like Charlie. Charlie's normal.
HARRY: under his breath About as normal as a unicorn can get.
SNAPE: Green fairy, dance for us.
MALFOY: I hate my life.
NEVILLE: I hate your life more.
(MILKSHAKE SONG PLAYS AND MALFOY DANCES A WEIRD DANCE AND NEVILLE LAUGHS)
MALFOY: Shut up, you retard.
NEVILLE:
Your mother is a ing loromitsum
agmenonveniem trrraguna
hippopottamus
Rebublican and Daniel Radcliffewith a bucket
of and in a castle far away where no one can hear
you...Soupwith more buckets
ofMickey Mouseand a stick of
dinamite
Magical Alacazam!
SNAPE: Ooooh, I like that
word. Let's all say it. Ready? Go!
EVERYONE: Your mother is a
ing loromitsum
agmenonveniem trrraguna
hippopotamus Rebublican
and Daniel Radcliffewith a bucket of and in
a castle far away where no one can hear
youSoupwith more buckets ofMickey
Mouseand a stick of
dinamite
Magical Alacazam!
DUMBLEDORE: What are you
saying down here?
SNAPE: Neville taught us a fun new
word.
DUMBLEDORE: Fifty hundred million points from. . .
HARRY:
No, it wasn't him. It was Malfoy!
DUMBLEDORE: Fifty hundred
million bazillion points from Slytherin.
BLUE: Why aren't you
happy?
DUMBLEDORE: coming in the dungeon Only death makes
me happy.
(TWO
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS the writers of this script JESS AND JESSIE
COME IN THE DUNGEON AND EVERYBODY STARES AT THEM)
SNAPE:
singing and everybody now stares at him Dumbly, oh you look
quite down with your big sad eyes and your big fat frown. The world
doesn't have to be so gray. Dumbly, when your life's a mess, always
feeling blue, always in distress, I know what'll wash the sad
away.
CHARLIE: Serious deja vu.
SNAPE: still singing
All you have to do is put a banana in your ear.
DUMBLEDORE: A
banana in my ear?
SNAPE: Put a ripe banana right into your
favorite ear. It's true.
DUMBLEDORE: Says who?
SNAPE: So true.
When it's in your gloom will disappear. The bad of the world is hard
to hear when in your ear a banana cheers, so go and put a banana in
your ear.
NEVILLE: Put a banana in your ear.
DUMBLEDORE: I'd
rather keep my ear clear.
EVERYONE: You'll never be happy if you
live your life in fear. It's true.
DUMBLEDORE: Says you.
EVERYONE:
So true. When it's in the skies are bright and clear, cuz' every day
of every year the sun shines bright on this big blue sphere
NEVILLE:
So go and put a retardando banana in your ridiculously
high-pitched e-e-e-e-ear. stops singing and everyone stares
at him It would be really cool if you didn't tell anyone I sing
like that.
MALFOY: Can't make any promises.
NEVILLE: You should
talk, in your green fairy suit. But still, your mother is a
ing loromitsum agmenonveniem
trrraguna hippopotamus
Republican and Daniel
Radcliffewith a bucket of and in a castle far
away where no one can hear youSoupwith
more buckets ofMickey Mouseand a stick of
dinamite
Magical Alacazam! I'm so brave now!
RON: I
really can't talk.
MALFOY: bringing attention to the two
girls Hey, who are you? I've never seen you before in
anything.
JESS AND JESSIE: We're everyone, and no one.
CHARLIE:
That doesn't even make sense.
BLUE: It makes perfect sense,
Charlie.
PINK: Yeah, Charlie, it makes perfect magical sense,
Charlie.
CHARLIE: Would you two shut up for two seconds?
HARRY:
I'm with Charlie. They didn't make any sense.
SNAPE: Don't say
that or the dragon will eat your buttknuckle!
HARRY: What? It's
not like they write the script.
(CUT
TO TWO AMERICAN TEENAGE GIRLS JESS AND JESSIE TYPING AT A
COMPUTER)
JESSIE:
Hey, Jess! Look what I just made Harry say.
JESS: Cool! Hey, we
should randomly add Coco to the script!
JESSIE: Add your
guinea pig? Why?
JESS: Why not?
JESSIE: shrugs Can't
argue with that logic. Aw, come on, now I'm saying it!
JESS: Oddly
enough, we don't have that in this script. That's supposed to be one
of our many running gags.
JESSIE: Yeah, I know. Hey, have you ever
noticed we have too many of those to keep track of?
JESS: That's
only because we're strange.
JESSIE: True. Very true. Okay, let's
add Coco.
(BACK
TO THE DUNGEON)
SMEAGAL:
Smeagal thinks Smeagal has found the precious at last! holds up a
furry brown guinea pig
MALFOY: still dancing strangely
I'm pretty sure that's just a guinea pig, Smeagal.
SMEAGAL: Aw,
man.
RON COMES IN DRESSED AS AN EMO AND TRIES TO ACT DEPRESSED
RON: If life is so fair, why do roses have thorns?
CHARLIE: What the hell?
RON: Exactly, life is hell.
CHARLIE: That's not what I said, you retard!
HERMOINE: You don't have to call him a retard, he already knows it.
CHARLIE: Oh, well I do it anyway because it's fun!
SNAPE: KEEP DANCING, GREEN FAIRY!!
DUMBLEDORE: Why are you being so depressing, Ron?
RON: Because life is pointless! Nobody gets out alive!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I could die in 5 minutes but you don't see me crying!
HERMOINE: It's true, he's like 200 years old.
DUMBLEDORE: Actually, I'm 658.
HARRY: Wow, that's really disturbing. I'm not even gonna comment.
HERMOINE: You just did!
DUMBLEDORE: crying My boyfriend's an emo!
RON: I thought you were too!
DUMBLEDORE: Ron, are you some sort of retard? Oh, wait... But even you should know I think emos are stupid. Come on, Ron, we'll settle this in my office.
RON:
By "settle this", do you mean?
DUMBLEDORE: Oh yes.
RON: HIGH PITCHED GIRLY SQUEAL
RON AND DUMBLEDORE HEAD UP TO DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE
SNAPE: anti-depressants wearing off What's going on here? TO MALFOY And why are you dressed like a green fairy? 50 points from Slytherin. TO CHARLIE, PINK, BLUE AND SMEAGAL And who are you four?
PINK: This is Charlie and we're his magical friends.
BLUE: Yeah, we're Charlie's magical friends of Charlie.
CHARLIE: You two aren't my friends!
PINK: But Charlie, we're magical!
BLUE: Yeah, Charlie, and we go on magical adventures.
CHARLIE: I only go on adventures because you two won't leave me alone! And then something unspeakably horrible happens, like you guys take my kidney or something!
BLUE: We took the kidney to make room for the vortex, Charlie.
SMEAGAL: Smeagal is looking for the precious.
SNAPE: All of you, leave! Except Charlie, you're kinda cool.
PINK: Can we stay too?
BLUE: Yeah, we're Charlie's friends.
PINK: Yeah, Charlie's magical friends of joyness.
CHARLIE: You two aren't my friends!
SNAPE: You heard him. Leave!
SMEAGAL:
Can Smeagal stay too, since Charlie is?
SNAPE: Only if you promise
not to be annoying.
SMEAGAL: Yay! Smeagal can look for Smeagal's
precious!
SNAPE: Do you ever talk in first person.
SMEAGAL: No,
Smeagal never talks in first person. Smeagal thinks third person is
cool.
SNAPE: You're weird.
HERMIONE: Yay! He's back! Maybe we
can learn now.
HARRY: Compared to what potions class has been in
the past week learning is stupid.
HERMIONE: You're just
jealous.
HARRY: There you go not making sense again. I'm just
jealous of what?
HERMIONE: My superior intellect.
HARRY: Why
should I be jealous of that? I don't really care.
(BELL
DINGS)
SNAPE:
I'll see all you despicable children tomorrow.
(TOMORROW)
SNAPE:
Let's get one thing straight. No monkeying around in my class
anymore. I hate you all again.
HERMIONE: picks pill up from
floor Snape, I found an anti-depressant.
SNAPE: Oh, goody.
takes pill singing How about...LOVE. How about...the
candy mountain cave. When you get inside you'll find yourself a
cheering loud for my lovely bunch of coconuts, 'cuz everyone's a
little bit racist today.
EVERYONE:
YAY!!
(CREDITS
ROLL)
SNAPE: singing Here's a llama, there's a llama and another little
llama fuzzy llama funny llama llama llama duck. Llama llama
cheesecake llama tablet brick potato llama llama llama mushroom llama
llama llama duck. I was once a treehouse I lived in a cake but I
never saw the way the orange slain the rake. I was only three years
dead, but it's quite a tale, and now listen little child to the
safety rail. Did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on the llama?
Llamas llama tastes of llama llama llama duck. Half the llama twice
the llama not a llama farmer llama llama in a car alarm a llama llama
duck. Is this how it's told now? Is it all so old? Is it made of
lemon juice? Doorknob, ankle, cold. Now my song is getting thin, I've
run out of luck. Time for me to retire now and become a racist today.
Oh, I was born one night, one morn when the whistle went boom boom.
You can fry a cake or bake a steak when the mud pies are in bloom.
Does six and six make nine? Does ice grow on a vine? Is old black doe
an Eskimo in the good old summertime? Oh, loop the loop in the noodle
soup just to give your socks a shine. I'm a guilty judge, I ate the
fudge. Three cheers for Auld Lang Syne. I cannot tell a lie, I stole
an apple pie. It's in a tree beneath the sea above the bright blue
sky. If Easter eggs don't wash their legs, their children will have
ducks. I'd rather buy a lemon pie for 47 bucks. Way down in
Barcelonia, I jumped into a phonia, but that was all balognia. Red
rooster blow your horn.
(AFTER
CREDITS AT THE NORTH POLE)
SANTA:
reprimanding an elf You retard. You were supposed to give him
a prescription for anti-depressants, not crack.
ELF: Sorry, Santa.
My bad.
SANTA: Voldemort's nipple.
(SCREEN
GOES BLACK)