Here's a little Sunday morning treat for you all - just a quick 2 parter while I try to figure out what's going on in my other story!
Oh - I'm sure you can already guess but this takes place at the end of episode 4!
x
'Jesus Christ – how much do you hate me?'
The words kept tumbling around Will's head and they had been near enough non-stop ever since she'd said them three hours ago. All through the broadcast in the back of his mind all he could hear was her words and all he could see was her face - the hurt, the rejection but mostly the look of disappointment that was apparent in every feature of her beautiful face.
"Hate her?" Will whispered quietly to himself, shaking his head the whole time… God she couldn't be further from the truth if she tried. Will rested his elbows on his desk and let his head fall into his hands… Is that what she truly thought? That he hated her?
Okay, so he may have been a bit hostile towards her when she first got back – surely that was understandable he thought, but hate her? Didn't she realise he could never hate her? She was Mac - his Mackenzie - his soul mate or so he'd thought once upon a time. Whatever they'd been through before - and yes they'd been through some bad times - he could never hate a soulmate. His feelings for her simply couldn't be further from hate and as he let the words run around his already confused mind, another little piece of his heart broke at the thought that she was obviously thinking the wrong thing all along.
He lit a cigarette - something she used to dislike, something he'd given up for her in the past - and took a long drag... Hate was such a strong word and the anger in her voice just amplified the brutal meaning of the word. Hate… He disliked the word immensely – you could almost say he hated the word 'hate'…. it was a word that was just used far too easily these days. People would throw the word around as easily as they said the word love – another word that people often said but didn't mean. Hate wasn't like that in Will's mind - hate was reserved for people like his Father – a disgusting example of a human being… Hate could never and should never be used in the same sentence as Mackenzie MacHale.
Thinking about it though – really thinking about it – maybe she had every reason in the world to think he hated her… The way he'd been treating her – keeping her at a safe enough distance to appease his constantly aching heart, the damn stupid contract he'd negotiated out of pure bitterness and anger and of course the procession of beautiful women he'd been dragging into the newsroom lately. Maggie was right- if he had any feelings at all for Mackenzie then he wouldn't be parading them around for her to so clearly see.
The thing was – in his mind - he knew perfectly well he shouldn't be dating them at all but somehow he also knew he had to do something to take his muddled mind off her since she'd barged back into his life. The dates did nothing to make him feel better if he was honest and he cursed himself for being stupid enough to even think that they could. Sleeping with them was nothing like making love with Mackenzie…. With Mac it had always been the true meaning of making love - he used to feel like he was on top of the world, like he was so alive, like it was the most natural thing in the world but with these other women they really didn't make him feel anything at all – just cheap, sad and lonely and really fucking pathetic.
Will didn't know how long he had sat there just thinking but as he stood a moment later he was shocked to notice the whole newsroom was in complete and utter darkness apart from one tiny light shining from Mac's office. He tried to figure what she was still doing there at this time of night on a Saturday evening – he thought he was the only one sad enough not to have plans on a Saturday night but obviously not. He slowly left his office, curiosity getting the better of him, and crept along the corridor towards hers wondering whether he'd find the courage to go in and say what he wanted to say – to say he was sorry – that he loved her not hated her.
As he snuck a look inside the office the sight before him made him feel even worse if that was possible. She was stood with her arms wrapped around herself gazing out the window at the city below them – lost in a world of thought and unhappiness by the looks of things - he swore that even from this distance he could see a tear rolling down her cheek. Turning on his heel he made it halfway back to his office before the words hit him again – "how much do you hate me?"
He stopped, sighed and ran his hand through his hair… He couldn't leave her like that. He knew for once since she'd returned to his life he wanted to do the right thing by her and so he marched straight back and knocked on her office door as he entered... Mac spun around to face him with a look of surprise on her face and Will instantly noticed he was right about the tears.
"I didn't know you were still here." She whispered as her eyes met his for the first time since their argument earlier…
For a moment they both just stood and stared – neither really knowing what to say but both knowing they had to say something if either of them stood a chance of sleeping tonight. Will felt his mouth go dry and could instantly feel his heart start to race a little… Finally, he took a couple of steps towards her before he stopped again and briefly closed his eyes, hoping for inspiration to come…
"You really think I hate you?" Will asked miserably a moment later, his mind still not believing what he'd heard a couple of hours earlier...
For a moment Mac didn't say a word... she tried to wipe the tears from her cheek without Will seeing but failed miserably... After gazing at him for a moment longer she turned her head back towards the window... "It feels like it most of the time." She whispered...
Will cursed her ability to make him feel like a complete and utter dick when she looked at him that way - with such vulnerability, such hurt - almost like he was to blame for the way things turned out between them even… but, he knew in his head, she didn't think that – she'd more than taken responsibility for that over the years.
He slowly made his way across the office until he reached her side and shared her view of the busy streets below... He waited a moment then gently turned and lifted her chin until she was looking directly into his eyes once more…. "Mac – I don't hate you... I could never hate you." He said tenderly, "If you don't believe anything else I've said these past few months – believe that..."
"You should do." Mac answered despondently straight away... "I'd deserve it..."
"You don't deserve it…" Will replied taking a step towards her…
"Your contract negotiations say otherwise…" Mac said, wrapping her arms around herself once again…
"Mac – the contract shit - that's in the past. You understand?" Will said, trying his best to rectify the situation he'd created earlier... "We're moving on from the past right?"
"We are?" Mac asked and there was that look again – the hurt – the rejection and then followed a cynical laugh... "What about the non-compete clause eh Will? How the hell is that moving on?"
"I did that before you even stepped back in the office..." he said in reply – as if that would justify what he'd stupidly done that day... "Before I even laid eyes on you…"
"But why? It's television suicide – I don't understand why you'd risk your whole career just to be able to fire me? It's such nonsense..."
"Yes – I see that now but I was angry Mac... Can you at least understand that?"
And he had been angry that day after his lunch with Charlie... he'd stormed out of the building down to his agents office and agreed the new contracts within minutes – hell, if they'd demanded a ten year break from TV to be able to get his way he would have signed the damn thing that day. God, he remembered how good it felt at the time - as he marched back into the office that day he felt so fucking virtuous because he at least had one trick up his sleeve he could throw at her – one trick to hurt her with. That feeling soon faded though – by the time they'd done their impromptu show together and he'd chatted to her at the elevators that night the good feeling had well and truly gone and already he was regretting it.
"Will? Are you listening?"
He had drifted away – just the memories of that day and her face by the elevators and the speech about her parents had affected him so much….. He'd already known by the time he got home that evening that he had fucked the contract up – he'd never fire her – never – he loved having her in his ear that evening – he always had and he always would.
"Will?"
"Sorry?" he replied., wanting more than anything to just make this right – he didn't want to fight any more – not with her...
"I asked if firing me would be worth it? 'Cause you can still do it…. Go ahead – fire me now…."
"Mac let it drop… please… this is stupid."
"No Will. I need to know - would it have solved your anger? Made you feel better?"
"Yes – at the time... that particular day - yes... But not now Mac..."
"You're an idiot – you know that?" Mac said through gritted teeth becoming more frustrated by the minute...
"Yeah – well it seems that way now doesn't it?"
She started to pace the office - a typical Mackenzie trademark when she was wound up... Will had learnt long ago to just let her pace – the only way he could ever really calm her in the past when she was angry was making love to her – an option that really wasn't available to them tonight…
"Three years Will? Three fucking years? What a waste of fucking talent that will be..."
"I was angry" he said – his tone so much less convincing than the last time he'd said that...
"But you don't hate me - apparently?"
"No... maybe I did... I don't know... not now Mac... definitely now now..."
She was confusing him and he had never liked how she had the ability to do that. He was an educated man, a lawyer – he spoke for a living and had the wonderful ability to be able to turn anyone into a jabbering idiot with his words but he could never understand how his vocabulary always left him when it came to moments of anger – or even love – with her….
"I should go..." Mac almost spat the words at him…
Her words were so sharp and so pointed that for a moment Will wasn't sure what she meant – did she mean go home tonight? Or go? Go? As in leave ACN? That was something Will knew couldn't happen – not now she was back in his mind every waking hour...
"Mackenzie wait." He demanded… "Look, can't you see... that contract - that was all before I'd even seen you... Charlie had pissed me off by doing this all over my head."
"Ah well – I suppose that's fine then – if Charlie had pissed you off..." she said haughtily, gathering her purse and searching for her coat...
The look of vulnerability had definitely left her face now - anger had replaced it and Will could handle this a lot easier... Anger didn't feel like she was stabbing arrows into his heart like vulnerability did.
"Mac come on – can't you at least see why? I was angry…. and it was you of all people... the last time we'd seen each other it hadn't exactly been a bed of roses... I was hurt..."
"So was I Will."
"Damn it. It's different and you know it is..." Will yelled, trying to control his temper but failing..…
"Different? How the hell is it different?" Mac shouted back at him but Will didn't reply - he suddenly found his shoes the most important thing in the room... She marched over to him and stood directly in-front of him...
"How is your hurt different to mine Will?"
Will stood and stared at the woman he once loved more than life itself... the woman he would have given everything to keep – the woman he would have given his life for if he'd had to and here she was waiting for an answer he couldn't give – well not without making a difficult situation ten times harder...
"I loathe you sometimes Will... I really do..."
At that moment Mac was convinced that she wanted to walk out that door and never return... he couldn't keep doing this to her. Yes –she'd hurt him the past but could he not see how much that had hurt her too? How much he had hurt her in return... how much he was still hurting her?
"Okay, So if you're not going to say anything let me guess your reply... Your pain is different to my pain because I cheated on you... correct? Yes of course you're the victim but there's no possible way I could be hurt by everything that happened? That I'm still hurting three fucking years later?"
Will didn't say anything – inside of him he was screaming 'Yes, Yes, yes. Of course it's different because YOU cheated on ME' but even he realised that was not the correct thing to say right now – not unless he wanted her to walk away forever.
"Okay – The mighty Will McAvoy silent stare." Mac said sarcastically…. "For fuck's sake Will... you have to let it go or we're never going to move on. Yes I fucked us up and Yes, I regret it more than I will ever regret anything in my entire life... I've said sorry to you so many times – what else do you really want from me? I'm sorry Will – you hear me ? I'm sorry... for the ten thousandth time I'm sorry... If I could turn back the clock then don't you think I would have by now?"
Will turned his back to Mac and stared out the window below... He couldn't bear the thoughts that were screaming to come out of his mouth at that moment and he couldn't bear the tears in her eyes.
"I was hurt too Will... I know your hurt was caused by me but, can't you see – I hurt too... I hurt because of what I did to you – the pain I'd caused you. I know I broke your heart and I will never forgive myself but I broke mine too. I hurt from losing you – I had the perfect guy and I fucked it up in so many ways."
Will couldn't handle this - he needed her to shut up now because he certainly hadn't come in here to drag up the events of three years ago…. "Mac – I don't want to talk about this." He suddenly blurted out in an effort to keep back the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes but she wasn't stopping…
"Tough. You need to hear this Will." She said angrily… "I hurt from losing the life I could have had – the life I had always dreamt of and now I know I can never have that life... Jesus Christ - Why else do you think I ran away? Because it was the only thing that could take my mind of the pain – off the chaos I'd caused... Do you have any idea how much I hated myself at the time Will? When I was out there in that god forsaken place with bombs going off and having some maniac stick a knife into me? Most people would feel sorry for themselves but not me - I still hated myself because of how much I'd hurt you… And believe me, hating yourself causes more hurt than the rest of all that other shit put together..."
The tears were flowing down her cheeks and as Will turned a sob escaped her mouth that melted his heart into a million pieces. He purposefully strode towards her and went to pull her into his arms. For a moment he didn't care of the consequences a hug could bring – he simply couldn't bear the sight of her tears or the sound of her sobs.
The moment his hands touched her arms though she realised what he was about to do and she pulled away so quickly. "Leave me alone..." she whispered and Will was certain he'd never seen such a lack of trust in her eyes...
"Mac... please..." Will finally muttered a moment later...
"I don't want your pity..."
"It isn't pity... it's called friendship Kenz."
"And you can't call me that either Will… not now…"
Mac shook her head, moved around the desk and finally found her coat…. she grabbed it off the peg and reached for her bag...
"I'm going…"
"Mac – please don't go - not like this"
She may have looked a hundred times calmer than she did five minutes ago but Will knew Mac – that anger and frustration was still there and she would never be calm until this was sorted… Mac made it to the door of her office before she turned around and looked him straight in the eye…
"You need to think Will… think hard about what you want because I can't put up with this much longer."
Mac took a final look at him before she whispered a very quiet "goodnight" and turned and marched out of her office, letting the door slam behind her.
Hope you enjoyed it - am working on the final part now - hmmm... don't know what ending to give - happy or sad?! (Can I be evil?)