Disclaimer: These characters and their world belong to JK Rowling and her publishers. I make no money off this fanfic.
BETA - LissaDream. Thank you, Lissa! Love you!
Please review if you are so inclined. Thanks for reading!
It was hard to believe the three of them were back within the castle walls. The war was over, but life would never be the same. Harry and Ron had changed. It would be reasonable to say they had grown up. Destroying Horcruxes, battling Death Eaters, and killing megalomaniac, maniacal Dark Lords will do that to you. Hermione would be lying if she didn't admit she had changed as well. She felt like a shell of herself; a sliver of the girl she once was. Lost somehow.
Hermione waited in the common room for the boys to finish putting their things away. She had been at Hogwarts all summer, but they had just arrived that day with the rest of the students. They would be completing their seventh year.
After the battle, Hermione felt compelled to stay at the castle and help oversee the reconstruction and repairs that were taking place. Her parents were off somewhere in Australia, so she really didn't have a home to go to. She had contemplated going to the Burrow, but she just felt the need to help at Hogwarts. It was such a part of her and she had not realized until the day of the battle how much the castle meant to her. Ron spent the summer with his family and Harry split his time between the Burrow and Grimmauld Place. It had been months since she had seen them, yet their reunion felt stiff and awkward somehow. She wondered if they were growing apart out of necessity. The events leading up to and including the war had been horrifying and perhaps they reminded each other of times they would each prefer to forget.
Ever since the battle, Harry and Ron looked at her differently. It was hard to pin point, but their relationship had changed and they treated her not quite the same. It stung. She couldn't deny it, but she also couldn't force things to go back to the way used to be. The trio would either work their way back to the close-knit fabric they were before, or they would continue to fray apart. She once believed nothing could ever change with her two boys and that they would always be her best friends. Perhaps they still were. In the Muggle world they called it PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Maybe that's what was plaguing them. Her own wounds were still healing, perhaps theirs were as well. Especially, Harry. What that boy had gone through was unimaginable.
Staying at the castle had been the right decision for her. It was cathartic to see the walls rebuilt and the smiles of the summer workers who had become her friends. The more that was restored, the more Hermione felt whole again.
Her attention was pulled from her thoughts when Harry and Ron made their way down the stairs. They smiled as they approached her, although their smiles seemed forced and the way they held themselves let her know they were uncomfortable. Merlin, am I that hard to be around? She couldn't help but to wonder if she had done something. Was their change in dynamic her fault somehow?
"Hey Hermione," Ron said a tad awkwardly.
"You coming to the Great Hall with us?" Harry asked.
Hermione felt her heart sink. Why wouldn't she be going with them? Didn't they always walk to meals together? She shrugged. "Well, if you don't mind."
Harry gave her a wide smile. "Now, why would we mind? You're our best friend, right?"
She felt some of her worries and tension lift with his reassurance. Still, things just felt…off.
"So, what do you think of the renovations?" she asked as they walked.
"It looks great! Except for a few areas, you'd never know there was a battle here a mere few months ago," Ron replied, not really looking at her.
Hermione began to ponder Ron. She felt his discomfiture probably had something to do with the kiss they shared on that emotionally charged and terrifying day. They had not kissed again, and she wondered if he felt uneasy because of it. Perhaps he felt emotionally exposed and feared she didn't want to pursue anything with him? Or maybe the opposite was true. Maybe he regretted that kiss and was afraid that now they were hanging out again, she would want to pick up where things had fallen off. Perhaps she should talk to him. Get it all out in the open. In truth, she wasn't sure how she felt about it. Why do things have to be so complicated?
They entered the Great Hall to find it loud and boisterous with returning students and nervous first years. As they walked in, the room quieted as the focus seemed to turn towards them. There was a combination of wolf whistles, and claps as well as long, hard stares. Harry was a bonified hero and he received this type of reception pretty much everywhere he went. Ron and Hermione were hailed as well, however not to the degree of the boy who not only lived, but also finally defeated the most dangerous wizard of modern times.
The three of them waved and nodded, somewhat shyly to the well-wishers as they made their way to their table. Ginny and Neville offered greetings as they jumped up from their seats and repositioned themselves, making room for the newcomers. Ginny threw an arm around Harry's shoulder and kissed his cheek as he slid in next to her. Hermione was happy for the couple. They had arrived at the castle holding hands and judging by what she was seeing, it seemed their relationship was back on track.
Hermione returned Luna and Padma's greetings from the Ravenclaw table before settling in at the Gryffindor one.
All eyes were on the Headmistress when she stood to address the students and begin the sorting. After the Sorting Hat had placed the last student, it broke into a song about forgiveness, acceptance, and moving forward. Hermione half listened as she glanced about the room, curious to see who all had returned. The Slytherin table was as full as the rest and Hermione was surprised to see Draco. The boy had let Death Eaters into the castle. How was he not expelled? He wasn't worth her concern, so she decided not to give him any. Instead she peeked up at the head table and felt a pang of sadness at the empty seat where Professor Snape used to sit. Other than the gaping hole his absence left, the rest of the professors were all present and accounted for, including Hagrid who offered her a smile when her eyes met his.
When Hermione's focus was pulled back to the Headmistress, her speech was nearly over. "As always, remember to stay out of the Forbidden Forest. Also, one last reminder; tomorrow is the Memorial. It will be beside the lake at nine o'clock in the morning. Attendance is not mandatory." McGonagall looked around the room and smiled into the faces of the student body. "Welcome back to new beginnings everyone. Let's make it a great year." With that she headed to her seat.
When the platters of food appeared, Hermione just couldn't bring herself to eat anything. She felt tense and emotional and found she simply had no appetite. She could only shake her head and laugh as Harry and Ron devoured their plates and reached for seconds. She listened as the others talked about Quidditch try outs. It actually warmed her heart to hear her friends speaking of something so trivial with so much excitement. It wasn't so long ago that they doubted they would live to play Quidditch again.
Hermione listened as Dean talked about his summer and how he had met Andromeda Tonks. Dean and Ted Tonks had become friends when they were on the run together and Ted had made Dean promise to relay some messages to Andromeda should he not survive. Dean's visit to deliver those messages led to a blossoming friendship and Andromeda and Dean had become close. Andromeda wasn't quite motherly towards him, but very much like a big sister. Dean had grown quite attached to Teddy and in turn, Dean and Harry had become very close as well. Harry was Teddy's Godfather and therefore spent a lot of time at Andromeda's.
Hermione couldn't help the twinge of jealousy that Dean was somehow taking her place. Harry and Ron were laughing with him jovially and the three seemed to be thick as thieves. She, on the other hand, felt somewhat abandoned. Sure, they smiled at her, but they didn't seem to want to engage in conversation with her. She decided she needed to get away, go for a walk.
"You heading off, Hermione?" Ron asked when she stood. The eyes of her friends turned towards her.
"Yeah, I just feel like moving a bit. Nervous energy for start of term I guess. I'll see you guys later."
"Ok, then. See you in a bit, Hermione," Harry offered.
The other Gryffindors acknowledged her departure with various smiles and words about catching up later. She just wanted to get out of the Great Hall. It felt stifling, somehow.
As she started to wander about the castle, she began to feel more at ease. She took the same path through the halls that she ventured every night and found herself relaxing. It would be okay. Everything will work out. It would just take time. That was all.
When she finally made her way back to Gryffindor tower, she overheard a conversation that confirmed her fears.
"I just don't know how to act around her anymore," Ron said.
It was Harry who responded. "Give yourself some time to adjust, mate. This is the first time you've seen her in months. It's not easy for any of us, you know? She's so different… I mean it's Hermione, but it's not Hermione. And you need to stop blaming yourself."
"I don't think she really understands that things have changed between us. She still thinks we can go back to the way things used to be. But, how can we?" Ron asked, a touch of sadness in his voice.
Hermione couldn't help the sob that escaped her lips. Harry, Ron, and Ginny whipped their heads around in stunned surprise to find she had overheard.
Harry jumped up quickly, exclaiming, "Hermione! We didn't hear you come in."
"Obviously," she choked, tears escaping her lashes. "I'm sorry I've changed. I didn't mean to. I…I thought we were all still friends, I guess…" She turned and left the room, unable to finish her thought.
As Hermione ascended the stairs she could hear Ginny. "Well, that's just great. Now we've gone and hurt her feelings."
"I should go after her," Ron said.
Hermione moved quickly, not wanting to give anyone a chance to come after her. She had no desire to hear what Ron had to say. At least not right now.
The next morning, Hermione didn't join her classmates for breakfast. She wasn't ready to see them, even though she felt she was owed an explanation. What was it she didn't understand? Why were her friends pulling away from her?
She made her way down to the Memorial service. Hundreds of attendees were present, and the seats were all taken. She really should have arrived much earlier. She noticed Ron, Dean, Harry, and Ginny all sitting together and felt resentment boil within her. They had not saved her a seat.
Her focus was pulled from her own despair, when Kingsley Shacklebolt took the podium and cast the Sonorus charm as he began to speak. Amplified by the charm, his voice was deep and distinguished as it carried throughout the crowd;
"It is a glorious day." He paused. "Yes, a glorious day. We are alive, and we are living in a world without the constant threat of our life and liberty being taken from us. We are alive to enjoy the sun today, to enjoy a nice glass of pumpkin juice, share a laugh with a friend, a joke, a tease, or even a tear. Our hearts beat and pump a life force through our veins that sustains us physically, our laughter and friendships are what sustain us emotionally and spiritually."
He glanced amongst the faces in the crowd. "Yet, there are many who don't share our good fortune. There are many who are not with us today, but whom certainly deserve to be. Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Nymphadora Tonks… to name but a few. Many of those who perished were students who were merely trying to survive. It is to honor those who lost their lives in the struggle against Voldemort and his forces that we gather today. Heroes, all of them. Albus Dumbledore and Sirius Black didn't die the day of the great Battle, but they lost their lives to the war, none the less." Shacklebolt's eyes flickered towards Hermione. "Students and former students didn't deserve to die. Fred Weasley, Hermione Granger, Lavender Brown, Colin Creevy..."
Wait. What? Hermione felt a flood of memories overcome her as she looked once again at her friends all sitting together, now crying and holding one another. Harry's eyes were red and swollen as they glanced back at her, his mouth moving as he whispered, "I'm so sorry, 'Mione. I'm so sorry."
Others from the crowd were looking at her as well; some with tears and some were whispering words she couldn't understand. As her eyes darted about the faces, it was quickly coming back to her. All of it. If her body had held any mass or weight, she would have fallen to the floor in shock.
The Fiendfyre. She had fallen off the broom. Ron had screamed in panic, yelling her name as she fell. She could remember his horrified face as the flames engulfed her. She had…died. She looked back at her friends, to find Ron was crying as his sister held him, his eyes casting nervous glances towards Hermione.
It was strange, but she felt peace wash over her as everything fell into place. It all made sense now. Her friends and how they were treating her. The lack of letters over the summer. The way they seemed uncomfortable around her. The way they had…moved on without her.
She remembered Sir Nicholas approaching her about being open to one's true existence and how important it was to accept what was in front of her. She had thought he was merely rambling. Just the other day, the Headmistress had flat out told her she was a ghost, only Hermione had thought it a metaphor. You weren't ready to accept it.
For some reason she wasn't upset. She watched the living through new and distant eyes. She simply felt…serene. All the anxiety that had plagued her vanished.
Hermione didn't feel like talking and she didn't feel like listening either. It was the structure behind her that pulled her; it's vast halls, rooms, and secret passageways were a balm for her lost soul. It called to her. It lured her. Her castle. Her home.