Sadistic tendencies galore! Maa maa maa... Um... forgive the fic if it sucks.. it's one of my first few (actually second) shot in shounen ai... please help me improve and be kind enough to read and review... i'm forever grateful...
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Crash and Burn
Disclaimer: Hunter X Hunter and all its characters belong to the late Yoshihiro Togashi. Crash and Burn is a song by Savage Garden (a lil' old, though, hehehe..). I don't own them.
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When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild, wild heart
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I was late. I was way too late.
I ran my hand through my wine-red hair. No, change that, my /blood/ red hair. Quickly surveying the road, I drove through the endless forest track, with an eternity of trees passing through me. What I've dreaded for so long has happened. It wasn't as if I'd never expected it. But I didn't expect it to be this soon.
The eternity of trees simply passed me by. For those moments, I didn't care anymore. I lazily cleared curves and humps. I didn't even bother to shift. I was on a suicide drive; no brakes, no rules. Because I didn't /care/. I didn't want to care.
The sky was turning orange. Sunset. Soon, it'll turn red. As red as my hair. Tch. I hate sunsets.
I hate you all.
Illumi. Why didn't you wait for me?
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I know you feel
Like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief
And people could be so cold
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'WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?! We should've fixed it by then!' I rattled through the window doors of the forest cabin. My shouts were echoing through the trees, continually scaring of the animals and motioning them to stay clear of us by a one-mile radius.
He sat down simply and folded his hands on his lap. So cold. So composed. His hair was neatly cascaded down his shoulders, reflecting the mild summer sun. His eyes went blank, just like always. He looked straight at me. Inwardly, I smiled at myself. He'd probably planned out this announcement very well. Very well indeed. His actions are so controlled, so very contained.
'The wedding would be due next month. I have twenty-four days.' he said quietly. 'Mother has planned it out for me. I didn't know until last week.'
I sat down beside him and heaved a heavy sigh. I placed my hands on my head, as if I were experiencing migraine. He stood still beside me, not even bothering to turn to me, comfort me, or even look at me. Suddenly, it felt as if the cabin had just gotten smaller, and I was the only one who was there.
Illumi? Who is Illumi? The cold, beautiful creature beside me? Oh, him.
Right.
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When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore
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I stood up. I needed a walk.
As I approached the open door, I didn't sense any movement, other than his musical breathing. He was perfectly still; he didn't bother to follow me or stop me.
He can't.
I left the cabin more quietly than when I've entered it. My minds was flooded with thoughts, like a glass of overflowing wine. He was getting married. To a woman he didn't even know.
How can he take this mildly?
We've promised each other that we'll be together. I watched over him as he mended his injuries, and as he mended mine. I fondly observed him in his sleep; he was fascinating, sleeping soundly and beautifully. I listened to his rhythmic breathing as he talked with those satiny lips that only I could touch. I could almost feel my mouth closing in on his, feel a surge of passion only he could awaken in me.. Only I could kiss him, hold him, touch him. I. Only I.
I'm not allowing his bride or anybody else take him from me.
Illumi is mine.
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Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I won't let you fall
If you were to run, I'll fly away with you
Into the night
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But this time, it's gone too far.
I returned to the cabin with a murderous look on my face. I've come up with a solution to all this. I could never give Illumi to anyone else. He is mine and mine alone. If he were to be taken away, I would choose to take him away myself. What's he worth living for if not for me?
What am I living for if not for him?
I entered, swaggering, through the door. My bloodthirsty soul has taken over my being, and a frightening, demonic mask occupied my face. I smiled amusingly at myself, at my brilliance. I licked my lips, almost tasting the air of violence. He was still sitting there, alone. Good. Now we could end this, Illumi. Finally, we could end this just the way I wanted.
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If you need to fall apart
I can mend your broken heart
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You're not alone
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He saw the look at my face and stood up.
He would be fighting me back.
/All the better,/ a voice inside me whispered. /Then when all this is over, it will be more worth it, more... Interesting./
With that in mind, I summoned all my skill and lunged at him. My cards are ready at hand; his pins versus me and my tricks. We were a perfect match. We defended fairly on each others' attacks. We swiftly evaded and foretold each others' moves. Our steps and movements formed a sweet, deadly dance of mortality, and I could almost hear a dark orchestra accompanying our deadly waltz. The cabin was filled with blood, sweat and nen. Tattered remains of cards, pins, clothes and flesh lay upon the floor like a mosaic of a sadistic artist, on top of a backdrop of everflowing red.
Finally, I found a way to catch him off guard. Now, with my nen restraining him, my free hands are ready to kill him. We were by now, both covered with wounds and blood, dried and fresh. With my free hands, I drew him close to me, hearing his soft and still controlled breathing. I smelled the scent of his hair, his sweat, his being, and savored each moment of it. With my hand on a card pressed lightly against his throat, enough to draw a line of red on his neck; enjoying my artwork as I saw him show no emotion or sign of pain in return. I drew near, as close as possible, and I allowed my lips to meet his.
This would be our final kiss.
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When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You call in a one-way street
With the monsters in your head
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He responded ardently to my act. The kiss was long, and passionate; after all, it was supposed to be our last. I made him lean on me and held him protectively close as I touched his cheek with my free hand and my card-armed hand mutilated his back with deep, red crevices. He arched his back as the sharp edges of the card ran through him, making him lean on me instinctively. His face showed no reaction to the pain, yet his body betrayed him as I felt him squirm against my chest.
As it ended, I stepped back from him, smiled at him. I showed him the card I was using as I kissed and held him. It was a joker, and he smiled mildly as he realized the irony of it all. He was about to be killed by the man he loved so much.
As I raised my hand to end it all, my face smiled its bloodthirsty smile yet again. I brought the card near my face, smelling the fresh blood. I ran my tongue along the blade of the card, tasting the coppery tang. But then I saw his face, his hair, his eyes. His blood and mine, scattered on the floor. My cards, my nen, my flesh. His pins and clothes. He bowed low, and dared not to look at me.
I dropped the joker and released him. And I left.
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When hopes and dreams are far away
And you feel like you can't reach the day
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I couldn't do it.
I loved him so much. Too much. I couldn't let go of him, but I couldn't own him and keep him to myself. I couldn't stand killing him with my own hands, I couldn't stand looking at him. Everytime I do, an internal knife would cut deeper in my heart. If I pulled it out, I would die. If I forced it in, I would suffer still. It was a no-win situation.
And yet I have to choose.
I loved him so much that it hurts. It hurts me so badly to see him, and to be reminded by the fact that soon, I would no longer be with him. That he would be married soon, under the strict command of his mother, against his will. He will live under eternal sorrow and lament and regret, with his wife, his family. I would be reminded that he would no longer be mine, and I could no longer love him.
Ironically, this sadistic cruelty is the type that I imposed upon those whom I killed. This was the type that I showed him in the cabin as I shared the moment with him, as I made marks on his flawless, soft skin, as I touched his sacred lips, as I felt the need to take his life.
Such sadistic cruelty indeed.
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Cause it's always been hard to contain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
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I've left him then, and since that day, he'd always try to call me on the phone. All I did after that was to stay in a room in the city, sit on the couch, drink wine and mock myself while I listen to the shrill ringing of the phone. After a few days, he'd stopped calling me. The wedding was drawing near, and I felt the need not to care.
I was staring at the wine glass, at the blood-red wine. I stared at the rich, ruby liquid inside as it flowed. Blood. I remembered his face as I left him, bloodied, yet still bearing that painfully blank expression he was trained to have. I felt the knife sink deeper into me, and this time, it was irretrievable.
I threw the wine glass on the wall and admired the pattern it was writing on the off-white paint. Red and white, together as one. Just as I'd hope we'll be, but would never really come true.
Ring. Ring.
For what I thought was eternity, my phone rang yet again. I looked at the registered name in the receiver. Illumi. I wanted to ignore the call, and to deny everything, and to let him feel the solitude I am feeling right now, but I can't. I miss him. I miss him so much.
Today was the eve of his wedding.
Slowly, I picked up the phone and pressed the conversation button.
'I love you.' he whispered in a soft, raspy, and melodious voice. 'I love you so much.'
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Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I won't let you fall
If you were to run, I'll fly away with you
Into the night
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The phone went dead.
My blood ran cold.
Quickly, I ran to my coat to fetch my keys. I stumbled, half drunk and half weak from weeks of fasting, eating nothing, drinking nothing but wine. Spending sleepless nights brooding on my bloody angst on the couch, devising useless ideas on how to make him mine again. The stairs I passed through seemed to get narrower and steeper every step, and all I could see were blurry figures: the hotel owner, the bellboy, the other clients staying over the fine suites of a first class, five star hotel. Enjoying the sweet, bloody, red wine.
The moment I reached the car, I stepped on the gas and drove crazily for the cabin.
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If you need to fall apart
I can mend your broken heart
If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You're not alone
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When I arrived, I knew I was too late.
I saw him, sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall. His eyes are still blank, but they were still. Too still. I could hear an eerie silence filling the room, no melody of his breathing was to be heard. His phone lay sprawled on the floor, as if carelessly dropped. It read only one name through the dialed numbers section. My name. The cabin still had marks of the blood and carnage it went through the last time I was here. Obviously, it was cleaned, but a few scratches on the floor and walls had embedded, crusted blood in them.
I sat beside him, making him lean against my shoulder. His cold cheek touched my arm as I felt what little life he has left draining out of him (if it could even be called life). His heart lay still, his eyes, his mouth. He lay so beautifully still beside me. Even in death, I find him strangely attractive, he still emanated the same atmosphere of mystery and sorrow, of which I adored and of which promoted my sadistic tendencies. He had committed suicide by releasing all of his nen through the nen channels, allowing them to drain the life out of him. It was simple, clean.
I surveyed his still pretty face as he leaned against me. So beautiful, so sad. His skin was still soft; he had just recently died. I placed my hand on his cheek and the cold pierced through my skin. I leaned him against the wall again, and brushed my lips against his icy mouth.
'I love you too,' I whispered sweetly at him, as if serenading him to his grave. I made him lean on me again, this time, I lay my head above his, allowing him to feel my warm, fleshy neck. Soon though, I would be still, just like him. I would be cold. I would be with him, sharing this unshaken silence with him. Forever.
/Goddammit, Illumi/, I fondly told myself. /I told you that we'd be in this together./
I opened my nen channels and felt the life drain out of me as well. I opened my nen channels, feeling the essence of life itself seeping out. I lay there on my deathbed, committing my life to my love, holding his hand till the very end. We shall never be separated again.
Moments like these are so few.
So very preciously few.
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You're not alone...
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Aheee... I don't know if I still have it in me... places hands on head Hmm... I'm being OOC, ain't I? -;; This is my first time to write a deathfic, and even more, a dark deathfic. I don't know, the sadism here is kinda mild for some people but I kinda find it overwhelming. x.X Maybe I'm not just really used to these kinds of things. -