Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, or any of the characters involved. I'm not making any money out of writing this.

Notes: This hasn't been beta-read. I've done my best to go over the story as thoroughly as possible, but spellcheckers aren't perfect. If there are still any glaring errors, that's the reason why.
On a vaguely related subject, I would like to get a beta for future fics in this fandom. If you're interested, give me a shout. E-mail, LJ, review, it doesn't matter.

Letting Go

Tomorrow, I'm moving out for good.

It feels so strange, telling myself this now. I mean, I've known it was coming. I've known it for a while. I'm not a kid any more; I'm nineteen, and I've got my whole life ahead of me. It's not that I'm afraid. I was - I still am - the Chosen of Courage, after all. I've got my friends supporting me. I'm even taking Agumon with me, so I know I'll always have someone to depend upon. I'm ready to face anything that happens, because I know I'll pull through no matter what.

But it still feels weird to say goodbye.

This apartment... after everything that's happened, it still almost hasn't changed at all since our family first moved in from Hikarigaoka. Even most of the furniture is the same. It's all so familiar, you could blindfold me and I'd still be able to find my way around without so much as a hitch.

Ha, I think I remember you actually doing that once. It was your friend's idea of a joke. Yeah... you and her, sitting on the carpet giggling as your older brother stumbled around the apartment trying frantically to pull it off. All right, so maybe I didn't manage it that easily then.

But that was... how long ago now? Nine years, maybe even ten. And if you tried that again today, I would definitely be able to walk around without tripping over anything. Well, maybe a couple of things. Probably. I don't know.

Hikari... I'm going to miss you.

I can't remember a time when you weren't around. When we all watched Greymon duke it out with Parrotmon at Hikarigaoka, you were right by my side. When VenomVamdemon was about to lay waste to the entire district, you gave me the strength we needed to take that thing out. When the eight of us were pitted against the might of Apocalymon, you still stuck by me. When I was having difficulty settling down in the first year of junior high school, you were the one always telling me to be brave and weather the storm.

You haven't changed. You might have grown your hair out a little, you might have a different taste in clothes nowadays, but you haven't changed. You're still always there with a reassuring word or two whenever I come home after a bad day. You're still the one who tries to stick up for me when our mother and I start to argue, as we do all too often. You're still always there.

I still sometimes overhear you talking to your friends about me, even when you don't realise I'm listening. It's not even as if you go out of your way to flatter me; it's only ever casual mentions, slipped into conversation as easily as another person might comment on the weather. You tell everyone who'll listen about what a great brother you have, about how he's fearless and flawless and how he'll overcome any obstacle placed in front of him.

And you know what? It still makes me feel sick inside, after all this time. Not because I think you're being dishonest, or trying to flatter me - the Hikari I know would never be dishonest without a good reason. It's because I'm not perfect, I know I'm not perfect, and I know I could never do anything worthy of a little sister like you.

Your big brother isn't such a good person, Hikari. Sure, I've always felt responsible for your safety. Sure, I've always tried to protect you. But I haven't managed it that well. I've lost count of the number of times I've failed to keep you out of trouble.

That time when you went into a coma? Yeah, you got through that one all right, but you wouldn't even have fallen unconscious if it hadn't been for me. Me, that little carefree kid who thought that football was more important than his own sister.

When Vamdemon was about to kill the Eighth Child and doom both worlds? I wasn't the one who saved you then. It was a Digimon, a Digimon who'd never even known your name until a couple of days beforehand, who gave up his life for you. I was there, I was watching everything that happened, but I couldn't bring myself to do what he ended up doing.

When - while the rest of us were concentrating on Mugendramon - you got sick and collapsed again? I should have noticed earlier, but I didn't. I was too busy thinking about the opponent ahead to see that one of us wasn't well. I know, I ran off to go and get some medication for you, but that was small compensation for neglecting you yet again. Besides, without Koushirou and everyone else's help, I probably wouldn't have managed it.

When you were trapped in the Digital World with enemies on every side? I tried to come and rescue you, but I wasn't fast enough. Your friends and their Digimon were the rescuers on that occasion. Not your own brother.

For receiving the Crest of Courage, I really can be a wuss sometimes.

I didn't want you to flatter me for that. I didn't deserve to be flattered for that. I wanted you to hate me, Hikari, hate me with all your heart for the things I've done and the things I never got round to. I wanted you to give me a good slap around the face, like our mother did when I was careless before. I wanted you to tell me, in no uncertain terms, that I had been a horrible brother to you. I would have been upset, I would have pretended to be angry, I would have denied it, but both of us would know it was the truth. And then, maybe, I could have started trying to make it up to you.

You never did. However many times I screwed up, however many times I completely lost it, you never made me take the blame.

I still remember what you said, the day they let you out of the hospital. I know what I was expecting to hear - the exact same that I had been getting from both our parents. That I had been stupid for taking you outside while you were ill, that I had been stupid for prioritising my own boredom over your well-being, that I had been stupid for making you spend those weeks hooked up to a life support machine. Stupid, stupid, stupid... I could have handled you telling me that. God knows I get enough of it from my friends.

What did you say to me? You said sorry. You apologised. For what? For not being able to play football? For being so sick all the time? For things which were never your fault in the first place? For my own laziness?

I didn't deserve that, either.

I could never tell what you were thinking, Hikari. I was always worried about you. You're sixteen now, and I still have yet to hear you say an unkind word. I've never seen you do anything to harm another creature, unless it really can't be helped. It's almost unnatural, and sometimes - just sometimes - I've caught myself wondering if it was all just for show. If you were covering for something. If, behind that gentle mask of yours, you really did despise me.

And what if you did? You should have said something. You should have been direct, for once. You shouldn't have hidden it inside, because people can't hide their feelings forever. I wouldn't have minded. I would have just taken it as a reason to prove myself to you, prove that I could be a good big brother, that I was capable of keeping you safe without putting you or anyone else into even greater danger.

But I won't have a chance to do that after tomorrow.

Hikari, I don't want to leave you. It must be an older brother thing, because no matter how much you've grown, I still think of you as the little kid you were, that night in Hikarigaoka. I want to stay at home with you. I want to carry on watching over you, so that one of these days I'll be able to get it right. But I can't, not any more. I've got my own life to consider.

I guess I'm just being obsessive. I remember someone else like that, long ago - way back when we first encountered the Digital World. I remember Yamato, constantly chasing after his little brother, never letting him out of sight. And I remember laughing at him for that, too many times. I thought he was just being overprotective - I knew Takeru, just as well as I knew all the others, and I knew he was fine taking care of himself. I could never see eye to eye with Yamato about that.

In retrospect, though? I was probably worse. At least Yamato had a good reason for wanting to keep his family close. At least he grew out of that phase. I never had a good excuse, and I still can't seem to let you go. You can take care of yourself too, Hikari. I just don't want to admit it yet.

Still, I have to face it one of these days.

Tomorrow, I'll be moving out. I might not see you for a little while, but I promise to visit as soon as I can. Until then, what can I say? Look after yourself, Hikari. For your sake, and for mine. I know you'll be okay without me. There are other people who'll look out for you while I'm gone.

It feels strange to say goodbye, and I know I'll miss you...

But you're not a kid any more.