Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.
A/N: This story came to me while I was high on chocolate. This particular chapter was born after I read some REALLY BAD Harry Potter Mary Sues. I had to get out my frustration, and I don't flame, so... twisted Inkheart fics!
Dedictaion: To the usual crowd: Kelley, Clari, and Elvie. (No, those are not their real names.)
On the Ladder Joke: If you've read "Credit for Capricorn", you'll get the thing about the REALLY BIG ladder. Yes, this is advertisement, so go read it! After you've reviewd this, of course...
Basta's Luck: Of Missing Knives and Mary Sues
It was a dark, and stormy day. A silent village was illuminated by lightning striking in the background. An ominous gust of wind snapped the creaking shutters.
On the fearsome, deserted path stood Capricorn's most fearsome henchman, knife in hand, wearing an expression of fearsome… annoyance.
Shit, thought Basta, I don't have time for this. A new girl was walking up the main road of Capricorn's village.
Normally, he was happier than anyone to spend the day hanging out with a few hot girls, but this creature couldn't exactly be called human.
Her skin was rich and creamy and her hair was ebony tinged with a slight sheen of lavender. How she managed to look comfortable in her designer spaghetti top and floaty periwinkle skirt on a rainy day in the middle of Italy, we will never know.
The author, who has been slightly affected by this Mary Sue and will now randomly switch persons, debated between tormenting the poor, helpless knife maniac and killing her outright.
Tormenting the helpless knife maniac won out.
"Hi," the goddess said in a voice of breathtaking mystique, " im Shonara Lorelei Summer Autumn Kristina Bradley Stevenson and I'm the new gurlfriend of every guy in ink heart and in a pathetic atemt to sho evree one how humble I'm, can I hav ur atagraph?"
Basta tried to work out what she was saying. Mary-Sue-ish had never been his strong point. Finally, he got a vague meaning from of the gibberish.
"If you don't get away from right now, I will carve it into you with this knife! It was here a minute ago…"
While Basta was occupied searching for his most treasured possession, Shonara Lorelei Summer Autumn Kristina Bradley Stevenson decide that her dream of starring in a FanFic filled with angst, drama, and passionate romance was not being realized quickly enough.
"I thot i culd change u bubt I ca'nt! Im sorreee, but our reelatshunship will never werk out i'm going to lok 4 Farid!"
The gorgeous, perfect, and ever-dramatic diva fled the scene in tears while the bewildered black jacket was still trying to work out what she'd been sobbing. How her alluring and expertly applied makeup managed to stay intact, we shall never know.
"Most FanGirls go for Farid, anyway," remarked Dustfinger, who had suddenly appeared based on the simple fact that I can't seem to write a fic without my darling Dustbunny.
"But this is Pre-Inkheart, so there is no Farid," Basta reminded him.
"Timing never was a Mary Sue's strong point."
"I see." They stood there in awkward silence most likely generated by the fact that they were long-time mortal enemies who were only speaking civilly with each other because a chocolate-high American thought it was mildly entertaining.
"So are any more loathsome creatures from the deep on my agenda today?" asked Basta, in a half-hearted attempt to break the silence.
Dustfinger seemed to take this question very seriously.
"Well this story IS being written by a Dustfinger FanGirl, and it IS your fault that I die in Inkspell…"
"It's not my fault that you die!" Basta ignored the minor detail that neither he nor Dustfinger had the slightest idea what they were talking about. "You didn't have to be all melodramatic and give your life up for Farid!"
"I thought we just established that this is Pre-Inkheart, and therefore, there is no Farid."
"And no one calls Dustfinger melodramatic!" I added as an afterthought. This was about when I decided to go looking for a really BIG ladder…
Cursing, Basta ran for home, found a black cat in his path, and took the long way, cursing some more. Mo may think that fear kills everything, but it's my personal opinion that certain creativities are not impaired…
He barricaded himself inside and whipped out his Handy Dandy Index for the Prevention of and Protection Against Bad Luck. Normally, Basta couldn't read, but this was a desperate situation.
He didn't expect it to be there but… there it was! Section Seven: "Higher Powers". Basta flipped rapidly to chapter 479. Why a man who normally couldn't read carried around a 947 chapter book, we shall never know.
Chapter 479: "What to do if a FanFiction Author is Messing with Your Luck"
You're doomed, sucker. There's absolutely nothing you can do.
"Shit."
Basta slammed the heavy tome shut with a sigh. He was in for a long week.
A/N: I may be taking suggestions, so if you've got anything besides weddings, family reunions, Mary Sues, self-inserts and driving lessons, come forward.