Shades of Grey
A/N: I make no claim to any of the characters in this story (except for Kayla) – they belong to others, and I simply borrowed them for a while.
A word of warning: this story gets very dark in places, and includes elements some might find disturbing. These are not happy, well-adjusted characters. It's rated M for a reason.
Any comments/reviews will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Questions
"I have a way out, you see. The loop in your hole."
Morrigan's words echo in Kayla Cousland's head as she slowly walks the short distance down the corridor to her fellow Warden's room, feeling slightly numb.
Every time she thinks that nothing else can surprise her; someone proves her wrong.
It's been one of those weeks.
More like one of those years, really.
She reaches the door and stops, realising that she needs to collect herself before speaking to him. Leaning against the wall, she takes a deep breath and tries to put her thoughts into some kind of order.
The attack on Highever Castle, and the loss of her family, was just the beginning; the catalyst that drove her to the Grey Wardens, and put her on this crazy path.
And now, it's almost over. In just a few short days, she and her two fellow Grey Wardens will be leading an attack on the archdemon; their one chance to end the Blight.
And one of them is going to die doing it.
Unless she can convince the man she's barely spoken to since the Landsmeet to go along with Morrigan's ritual.
She takes a deep breath, and knocks on Loghain's door.
oOo
Loghain is surprised to find Kayla Cousland at his door; she's been carefully keeping her distance from him since her unexpected decision at the Landsmeet.
He is more surprised, and a little disappointed, to note that something has clearly unsettled her. He had thought her better able to retain her composure than that.
oOo
Loghain listens to her proposal in silence, an indifferent sneer on his face. He lets her finish, and then utters just a single word in response.
"No."
Her eyes narrow. "No. Just like that. No. That's your answer."
"It is."
Anger boils up inside her. "Maker's blood, Loghain, you owe me! I spared your worthless hide, and doing so cost me the best friend I ever had! You don't get to just say 'no'!" She is breathing hard by the time she finishes, and she clenches her jaw, trying to control herself.
This is why she's been avoiding him, because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep her temper under control.
"Worthless, is it?" he growls. "Then I wonder why you troubled to spare me at all."
"I've been asking myself that question every moment since," she snarls. "And compared to Alistair? Yes, I'd say worthless fits. He's ten times the man you are."
Loghain springs up from his chair in a sudden fluid movement, his eyes flashing cold fire. "Not man enough to stay by your side when things didn't go his way, though. Was he?"
Kayla clenches her fists, shaking with fury. "Don't you dare speak about him that way."
oOo
Loghain is impressed. There are not so many men who can hold his gaze when he turns his icy stare on them. But there she is, this pretty little blonde thing, younger by several years than his daughter, meeting him stare for stare. He towers over her, yet she's not giving an inch. She's got steel in her.
No wonder Maric's bastard doted on her so. She has the backbone he lacked.
He must stop underestimating this woman. It is not the first time she has surprised him; at the Landsmeet, he had almost laughed at her when she offered to face him herself in single combat.
She had soon wiped the confident smile from his face. Her skill and speed with her blades is nothing short of awe-inspiring, even to such a seasoned warrior as he. And he'd quickly discovered that the leather armour she favours had been quite sufficient to deflect the few blows he'd managed to land; most of his strikes had either been neatly parried, or had fallen on thin air, while she dodged away to find another chink in his armour for her dagger to penetrate. She'd worn him down more quickly than he'd have thought possible.
He chuckles humourlessly. "Look at you: Bryce's little spitfire, all grown up and playing with the boys, and yet here you are pining for your lost love."
She goes deathly still, and her face pales. He's hit a nerve, it seems. Good. Let's see how deep that steel goes.
"What did you call me?" she says, her voice quiet and flat.
He arches his brows. Not quite the response he'd expected.
"Bryce's little spitfire?" He shrugs. "It's what your father called you, his little spitfire, when he spoke of you to others. You didn't know this?"
She's visibly shaking. "Rendon Howe called me that, once." Her voice is ice cold. "Right before I killed him." She takes a step toward him, and her hand goes to the pommel of her sword. "Was it you, Loghain? Did you put him up to murdering my family? Shall I number that among your crimes, too?"
He sneers. "Was I not absolved of my crimes, when I agreed to submit to your Joining ritual?" She opens her mouth to speak, but he cuts her off. "But no, that was Howe's agenda, not mine."
She swallows. "If I ever find out otherwise, Loghain, I will make you pay, Grey Warden or no. I promise you that." She makes a visible effort to relax.
He simply nods. "I would expect no less." He studies her for a moment, and she shifts uncomfortably under his assessing gaze, unconscious of the movement.
oOo
How had it come to this? It was supposed to be her and Alistair standing together against the archdemon. But now Alistair was gone, and in his stead, she had Loghain.
Loghain Mac Tir. He'd been a hero, a legend, once. The Hero of River Dane. He'd been her hero, growing up. As a little girl, she'd dreamed of meeting a man like Loghain, who'd sweep her off her feet and fight monsters for her.
As she'd grown older, her dreams had turned to becoming a hero, just like him. He'd been the reason she'd wanted to become a fighter, a warrior. He'd been her inspiration.
Until he'd betrayed everything that mattered.
Perhaps his slate has now been wiped clean of those deeds, as he was so quick to remind her. As a Grey Warden, he can certainly no longer be held to account for them.
But he still bears the responsibility for them, and she wants to know why.
oOo
Loghain doesn't bother to hide his amusement at the question. "Why? You want to know why I withdrew my troops at Ostagar?"
"Not just that, all of it. Why you left your king to die. Why you abandoned the Grey Wardens to their fate and then tried to blame them for your deed. Why you sent an assassin after us. Why you tried to have Arl Eamon killed. Need I go on?"
Loghain stares at her steadily. "I will answer your question, if you answer one of mine."
Kayla doesn't hesitate. "Ask, then. I have nothing to hide."
"Was Maric's bastard your lover?"
She blanches, clenching her fists. "Don't call him that. Don't you dare."
He scoffs. "Is it my fault that his father was indiscreet? I call him bastard because that is what he is."
"He has a name," she seethes. Then she shakes her head vehemently. "No, never mind. I don't want to hear his name from your lips. You don't get to talk about him, not you. Not when you're the reason he left."
"I? It was your decision, as I recall."
Her knuckles go white as she clenches her fists tighter still.
He gazes impassively at her, waiting for her temper to cool.
After a moment she takes a deep breath. "I will answer your question, Loghain, because I agreed to do so. But after that, we will never discuss him again. Is that clear?" He gives her a curt nod, and she continues. "I loved him dearly, yes – as a friend. He was my best friend in the entire world. But there was never more than that between us."
Loghain snorts. "On your side, perhaps. Anyone could see the fool doted on you."
Her expression saddens, and she doesn't even react to his calling the man a fool. "I know," she says softly.
Loghain raises an eyebrow. "You clearly cared for him a great deal, and the man adored you – and you were never tempted to take him to your bed?"
"No! Our relationship wasn't like that!" she snaps. She looks down, and adds in a much quieter voice, "He deserved better than that."
He stares at her incredulously. "You think Alistair was too good for you? Why, because he was the son of a king?"
Kayla's head snaps up to meet his gaze. "No. Because he was a good man, and he deserved someone who would love him in return."
Loghain considers this for a moment. "The elf, then?" he suggests.
Her eyes narrow. "You're asking if Zevran was my lover, now? Why the sudden interest in my love life, Loghain?"
He allows himself a thin smile. The subject is clearly one that she is uncomfortable discussing, which is reason enough for him to press it. He wishes to test her mettle, and assess her weaknesses.
It comes as naturally as breathing to him.
He shrugs. "I simply wish to know if you are likely to be susceptible to distractions during the battle to come. An absent lover can be such a distraction. So can a lover in peril."
"Then let me make it clear for you," she says coldly. "None of my companions were bedfellows. We were a little busy trying to stay alive, and preparing to fight a damn war."
Loghain arches his brows at her. "That rarely prevents such liaisons – indeed, it tends to makes most people seek them more. You showed commendable restraint, if so; that is a long time to go without... intimacy."
"Oh, you have no idea," she laughs bitterly.
He catches the implication in her words, and his eyes widen in surprise. "A pretty thing like you? Surely you cannot have been short of offers."
"I guess I just never met the right man," she says icily.
Loghain chuckles. "I confess, now I am intrigued. What high standards would such a man need to meet, to make him so very rare an individual?"
She spins on her heel and walks to the window, her face hidden from him. "It doesn't matter. He doesn't exist." She pauses, and then adds quietly, "Not any more. Perhaps he never did."
Loghain frowns, but before he can ask anything further she turns to face him again, her expression stony. "I've more than answered your question. It's time you answered mine."
oOo
Loghain gives a slight nod of his head. "Very well. You wish to know why I withdrew my men at Ostagar? Why I left my king to die?" His eyes narrow in remembered anger, and he begins to pace restlessly. "Because my king was an impulsive fool who ignored the advice of his general, and put me in an impossible position."
"I don't recall you arguing very hard with him at the war council before the battle," Kayla points out coldly.
"And you think that was our sole discussion about the battle?" Loghain sneers. "Foolish girl. It was but the last of many. We had been over strategies time and again, and I had made my concerns more than plain to him, but Cailan would have none of it. I told him it was too dangerous to lead the charge himself, but he would have his moment of glory, going into battle with the Grey Wardens."
"But you said the plan would suffice! Have you forgotten that I was there, Loghain? I heard you say it!"
He whirls on her. "And so it might have, had you lit the beacon sooner! By the time the signal came, Cailan and his men would have been overrun; their fate was already sealed. Should I have sent my men to die as well, then? What purpose would that have served? It would simply have assured Ferelden's defeat!" He is shaking with barely-suppressed rage. "No, I did what any good general would have done. I ensured that an army remained to face the enemy another day. An army that will be much needed in the days to come."
She realises that she is shaking, too. "We got there as fast as we could," she whispers. "There were darkspawn in the tower. We had to fight our way through."
He smiles mirthlessly. "You see? You would paint me as the villain, but things are not quite so black and white, are they?"
"That doesn't explain why you tried to blame it all on the Grey Wardens!" she cries
He gives her a contemptuous glance as he resumes his pacing. "Does it not? If not for the Grey Wardens indulging him, Cailan would not have been so bold, so determined to have his moment of glory. He would have listened to reason, and not been at the forefront of the battle. They are indeed the reason he died that day, not I."
She laughs incredulously. "You actually believe that, don't you? Does it soothe your conscience, Loghain, to blame it all on someone else? If you were so certain that it was the Grey Wardens' fault, and not yours, why go to such lengths to hunt down those who could tell what really happened?"
He halts his pacing in mid-stride, and in a single swift movement he turns towards her and closes the distance between them. Before she can react, he has his hands on her upper arms and his momentum propels her backwards, to slam against the wall behind her. The impact knocks the breath from her lungs.
"Because it was up to me to save Ferelden!" he snarls at her. "Again! We needed a strong leader if we were to wipe these darkspawn from our lands! Ferelden needed to be united, and I could risk no dissenting voices!" He breathes heavily. "I did what was necessary. I have always done what was necessary! Even when it cost me dearly!"
"What do you know of cost?" she retorts breathlessly. "Tell me, Loghain – what have you ever lost?"
He pales, and his eyes flash with icy rage. His fingers dig into the bare flesh of her arms as he clenches his hands in anger. "You think you are the only one, then, to have lost loved ones?" He clenches his jaw. "My mother was slain by a filthy Orlesian in front of me, after he forced us to watch him rape her, in order to teach us a lesson in obedience. My father gave his life to buy a foolish young prince time to escape from Orlesian soldiers and sympathisers. And I pushed the woman I loved into marrying that same fool, so that she could give him the strength to rule a nation!" His rant runs down and he glares at her silently, daring her to belittle his losses.
It takes her a moment to process his words, and when she does, she stares at him in shock. "You... you're talking about Queen Rowan, aren't you?"
oOo
Loghain's eyes widen in surprise as he realises just how much he has given away, in his anger. He has never spoken of Rowan in that manner before, not even obliquely – not to anyone.
His hands clench tighter in his fury, and Kayla lets out a little gasp that she immediately tries to bite back. He glances down, and sees just how tight his grip on her arms is.
Damn, but this girl brings out the darkness in him, along with the emotions and memories that he normally keeps so carefully buried.
He tears his hands from her arms, leaving stark white imprints behind that slowly turn red as the blood rushes back in, and spins away.
"You will never speak that name again," he says quietly, his back to her.
oOo
Kayla watches Loghain warily. She resists the temptation to rub her arms, even though his back is turned and he will not see.
She is going to bear the bruises from his rough handling tomorrow, but she refuses to show weakness in his presence .
And she certainly isn't about to let on how much he frightened her.
After facing him at the Landsmeet, and winning, she is surprised – and a little ashamed – that he managed to scare her so easily. She isn't normally afraid of anything.
But what else but fear could have had her heart racing and her blood pounding like that?
"Well, then," she says, hoping Loghain won't hear the slight shake in her voice. "It seems we both have things we don't wish to discuss. So let us return to the subject that brought me here: Morrigan's ritual."
He turns, scorn painted across his face. "And what purpose would that serve? I have already told you my answer."
"An answer given in haste, and not fully considered," she retorts. "Are you so eager to die, then?"
"Eager? No. But if it comes to that, yes, I would give my life to destroy the archdemon, and save Ferelden," he says coldly. "Gladly. And Riordan has already offered the same. What need is there, then, of this ritual?"
"And what if I don't want you to die?"
oOo
The words hang between them as he stares at her in bafflement. "Why would you wish me to live?" he asks finally.
"Maybe I don't want you to die a damn hero!" she snaps. "Maybe I don't think your redemption should be earned that easily! Maybe I don't trust you to take that final blow, when push comes to shove!"
He has no answer for that.
There is a prolonged pause, and then she adds in a quieter voice. "Maybe I've just lost too much already. Maybe I simply refuse to sacrifice anything, or anyone, else." Without warning, the steel breaks, and she sags against the wall, looking like a scared little girl. "I just want it all to be over, but it won't be, will it? Killing the archdemon won't be the end of it. The Grey Wardens will need to be rebuilt." She looks at him, wide-eyed. "I'm a fighter, and a damn good one; but I'm no leader of men, whatever Eamon and Anora may think. I can't do it all alone, Loghain. I'm going to need help, in the days to come." Her voice drops to barely above a whisper. "I'm going to need your help."
She trembles, and he sees just how much it has cost her to maintain her tough exterior all this time. And he sees exactly how much it has cost her to drop it now, and reveal that weakness to him.
Oddly, it just makes her seem all the stronger for it.
He resists a fleeting impulse to stride over to her and sweep her into his arms, offering her a father's comfort as he has done so often for Anora.
She needs his strength, not his comfort.
And it suddenly occurs to Loghain that a father figure is not what he wants her to see him as.
What is it about this girl? He is long past being swayed by a pretty young face, and yet she stirs feelings in him that he hasn't felt in a very long time.
And then he sees it. That familiar fire in her eyes, dimmed but not extinguished by her current uncertainty. It jolts him back to his own youth, reminding him of the only woman he ever truly loved.
Rowan.
She has the same fire, the same spirit, as Rowan.
He wonders why he didn't see it before.
And then he wonders what to do about it.
oOo
Kayla swallows, mortified by her own outburst. She'd been so determined to be strong, but Loghain has had her off-balance from the moment she entered the room. One minute she's furious with him, and the next she's begging him for help, as if she hasn't been holding everything and everyone together on her own all this time.
But she hasn't been on her own, has she? She's had Alistair to lean on, and she hadn't realised how much she'd come to rely on him until he wasn't there any more. She hasn't felt this lost since...
Since she learned of Loghain's withdrawal at Ostagar.
It hits her then: it isn't only Loghain that she's mad at; it's Alistair too. She's angry at them both for much the same reason: each of them has let her down.
Which is ridiculous, she tells herself. The two situations aren't remotely comparable. Loghain walked away from a crucial battle, and his betrayal cost countless lives, including that of his own king. Alistair walked away from the Wardens, and it hasn't cost anything.
Except the part of her heart that he took with him.
She didn't love Alistair, not in the way she knew he loved her. But she needed him, depended on him, and he abandoned her without a second thought
Oh, she'd known that Alistair would be angry when she agreed to spare Loghain. She'd expected him to protest, shout, maybe sulk for a while.
But never for a moment had she thought he'd leave.
He never even gave her a chance to explain her decision to him.
It hurts.
But she can no longer afford the indulgence of dwelling on the past. She needs to look ahead, and focus all her energies on the battle to come.
oOo
Loghain sees the hurt and pain flicker briefly across her eyes, and then she draws herself up with a new resolve.
"So. Will you aid me, Loghain Mac Tir, or not? Do you really want to help Ferelden, or are you just interested in your own glory?"
He bristles at her implied accusation. "I have never wanted glory. I sought power only as a means to an end, never for its own reward."
She arches her brow sceptically. "And do you really believe the end justified those means, Loghain?"
"I do," he asserts firmly. "And I do not expect one so young to understand. I was fighting for Ferelden's freedom, for its very survival, long before you were born, girl. There is no price I will not pay to see that Ferelden endures."
Kayla meets his gaze, undeterred. "Then prove it."
He sighs, and nods once. Her arguments, weak as they are, do have some merit. And though he is willing to die for Ferelden, he is not eager to.
And he is growing weary of the discussion. "Very well."
She looks startled; she doesn't seem to have expected that response.
He's a little surprised himself.
"You'll do it? You'll do the ritual?"
He nods again, not troubling to disguise his distaste. "Yes. Though I will not pretend that participating in such forbidden magic does not trouble me. Nor will I pretend that the thought of lying with the marsh witch does not fill me with disgust. I would sooner lie with a viper."
I would sooner lie with you.
The thought rises unbidden, and the images that accompany it are not unpleasant.
What would her response be, he wonders, were he to voice that particular thought aloud?
Would she be appalled? Disgusted? Would she strike him?
Worse, would she laugh at him?
Or would her breath quicken as it did when he pushed her against the wall?
Perhaps, if they both survive the coming battle, he will take the chance to find out.
oOo
Loghain turns towards the door, and then pauses, looking back at her. "You have considered that this child the apostate means to spawn may grow to be an even greater threat than the one we we now face?"
"Of course I have!" she snaps. "But if we cannot defeat the archdemon and rebuild the Grey Wardens in Ferelden to their former strength, future threats won't matter!"
He nods slowly. "So, the ends justify the means, then?" He smiles humourlessly as she stares at him, allowing her a moment for the words to sink in. "Perhaps we are not so unalike after all." He turns away before she can speak. "So bet it. Let us find the marsh witch and do this thing quickly, before I change my mind."