Disclaimer-I do not own Criminal Minds
Warning- This story is about the death of a main character. Sorry
JJ stood looking at the black headstone with tears running down her face. None of the others would ever understand just how much she blamed herself for his downfall.
Hotch would tell her that there was nothing any of them could have done while silently knowing that if he had known he would have forced Reid into treatment.
Emily would smile and try her best to reassure JJ that this was not her fault. JJ would know that deep down Emily blamed her for not saying anything about Reid's "problem."
Morgan was still far too angry at Reid to even consider talking to him. He would most likely say that Reid didn't deserve her grief, that her sadness was wasted on Spencer Reid.
Gideon would only blame himself. In his mind his leaving had played a role in the geniuses' fall. JJ spoke to him at the funeral and quickly realized that to Gideon Reid had been like a second son, perhaps more than that and his grief wasn't comparable to her own. But she also knew from the way he had looked at her that day that he knew that her grief was that of a lover. The others would never know that.
Rossi would try to rationalize Reid's death for them all. He was not as close and the distance allowed him much more perspective than the others could ever gain.
Garcia would hold JJ while she cried. Garcia for once would not joke or try to make any of this right because she knew it never would be again.
As a slight wind blew though the cemetery JJ reread the words carved into the stone and her heart and began speaking to the only person she was sure would not ever hear her again.
"I wish you were still here; that I could still call you on bad days. Some days I wish that I had been with you that night regardless of the outcome. I wish that we hadn't been fighting when you left. I wish that we had been able to see eye to eye. I wish to be honest that you had been able to stop taking the drugs and see what I saw. I wish that you were still here.
At some point I have to stop missing you. I have to stop pleading with god to allow one more moment. I have to accept the fact that I am here and you are not. That is the hardest part you know. How am I still here and you are not?
I wish that I could remember the good times without feeling completely empty, except for this pain in my chest. Sometimes it hurts so badly that I bite the inside of my mouth to make it stop. I know you would say that that is completely fucked and I know that it is.
I'm still very angry for everything that happened in the last six months of your life. I know that it was your life to live but I wonder if you know what your death did to those of us who loved you.
After your death I learned very quickly how not to feel. I learned how not to show people the pain that I couldn't ignore. I learned to cry at night when no one was around. I learned that this pain will probably never go away. You were the person that I showed the real me to.
So now I spend a great deal of my time avoiding being alone. Because it is possible for a few minutes to forget how lonely I am when I am not alone. But eventually everyone goes away and I once again am very aware of your absence. And for that I blame you.
I miss you so much it hurts. I literally feel your lose in the pit of my stomach and in my chest there is a tightness, that I only feel when you are on my mind which is often."
Tears were pouring down JJ's face when she heard the car pull up on the narrow cemetery road. As it slowed to a stop she realized that the rest of her team was arriving.
As Morgan put his arms around her and Emily placed some flowers on Reid's grave JJ realized that it was somehow comforting to know that even after everything that had happened they still remembered Spence's birthday. She was not the only one who still cried for Spencer Reid.