Title: Bleeding Inwardly
Author: glasswrks
Copyright: Jan 18 - Jan 24th, 2013
Rating: T
Couple: Calliope Torres/Arizona Robbins
Spoilers: Just about everything up to season nine.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. I ripped off this disclaimer... so did I, but I do want to add: "Grey's Anatomy," is on ABC. It was created by Shona Rhimes. It is produced by Shondaland, The Mark Gordon Company and ABC Studios if I have missed anyone else… sorry.
Special Thanks: To my beta reader, Kravn and to Veronica for letting me know my first attempt at GA fic was good.
Author's Note: This is very angst filled.
Callie woke up with a start, her eyes darted back and forth as her heart raced beneath her breast. The room was dark, she looked over to the alarm clock and it read 3a.m.
She sat up and ran her fingers through her sweat soaked hair.
She didn't bother looking to her left, she knew Arizona wasn't there. She had been paged hours ago and had left without saying a word.
Callie had kept her eyes closed hoping Arizona would make an attempt...
At anything.
Callie thought perhaps if Arizona thought she was asleep she might...
Callie did not know exactly what, 'Maybe a kiss goodbye?' she thought.
But it didn't happen and it hasn't since the plane crash.
Callie sighed deeply. She thought the nightmares she had been experiencing had finally ended. She believed that once she received word that Arizona had survived the crash, she would be able to sleep the entire night again.
That she would no longer be plagued with nightmares of Arizona 's body being ravaged by wild animals like poor Lexie had.
She shuddered at the thought and rubbed her hands up and down her arms for comfort and warmth.
Yet despite the fact, Arizona had survived and was home but Callie still found that sleep proved elusive. She was basically surviving on three to four hours of sleep a night. That and coffee, lots of coffee. Thankfully her sleep deprivation had not affected her work.
She hated to think she may end up self-medicating herself.
Callie had never thought of herself as a strong person, the "bad ass rock star" persona was a mask she sometimes felt she had to hide behind. She thought if people saw her "bad ass" persona, they would believe it.
Then she let Arizona in.
She told Arizona things she hadn't shared with anyone, not even Mark and she knew Arizona would never use it against her.
Arizona would gather her in her arms and kiss her reverently.
Callie thought this was her time to be the strong one for Arizona . She wanted to be the one person her wife could turn to. She could be the person Arizona would let her walls down for; Callie thought she could take some of the pain...
Callie never thought Arizona would push her away.
The realization that her reason for living - besides Sofia - did not want her help; did not need her, left Callie feeling devastated.
It did not seem possible.
Losing Mark had been unbearable.
She had not only lost her best friend but Sofia had lost her father and that loss would be with them always.
But Arizona had shut everyone out, even Sofia .
Callie did everything she could to make sure Sofia knew Arizona loved her. She would kiss her good-night and tell her it was from Mommy.
Arizona was being stubborn, but Callie wasn't going to let Sofia suffer for it.
Callie prayed for the day that Arizona would be able to... move on?
They need to move forward, not only as a couple but also as a family. But Callie harboured deep-seated feelings that Arizona might not be able to.
Hell, she was starting to wonder if she could.
Although Arizona would always carry her scars visibly, Callie's were hidden and buried, deep inside. The guilt she felt everyday she saw Arizona walk with a limp, ate at her. She kept going over everything in her mind: Was there something she missed? Should she have tried harder to save Arizona 's leg? Why did she make that promise? Would she do the same thing over again?
Callie would carry that guilt always.
She did not regret saving Arizona 's life - she had no choice damn it.
She had to...
She couldn't live without her.
Yet, she walked around on eggshells.
The only time she allowed herself to feel anything was when she was alone in the shower. Only there could she allow the tears that she buried come to the surface; to be washed away.
All the hurt; all the rejection; everything washed away.
Callie shook her head, she knew it was pointless to try and fall asleep again, it would not happen. She would only end up looking at the ceiling until the sun rose.
She flipped the covers off, grabbed her robe; slipping it on, before leaving her bedroom. She quietly checked on Sofia , placing a kiss on her daughter's cheek before walking into the living room.
She sat down on the couch and brought her knees up and rested her chin on them. It was so very quiet, so still.
It gave her too much time to reflect on her relationship with Arizona .
She thought about everything:
The first time they met.
The first time their lips met and how much it affected Callie's life. How that simple moment defined who she was today.
A wife and mother.
She thought about their break-up.
Callie's breath hitched; the nights she had spent crying over the decision which had sent Arizona away from her, at the time, it was the worst thing she'd ever felt.
It had hurt more than Erica's disappearance.
More than George's affair.
Callie was without the other half of her soul.
She was adrift and she wasn't sure how she would survive.
She had wanted Arizona in her life so badly that she was willing to give up on her dream of becoming a mother. That's how much she loved her.
Callie wiped at the tears falling down her cheeks.
It still hurt, not as much, but it was still there and she knew that despite what was happening now, that Arizona loved Sofia ; she knew it.
She thought about the car crash.
In a split second she went from being the happiest woman in the world to being on the verge of dying, not only her but Sofia as well.
Callie had heard privately from Mark and Bailey how Arizona stayed by her side the entire time. She knew Arizona had blamed herself, but Callie took responsibility for it. If she hadn't taken off her seatbelt, to get her damned phone...
The shooting at the hospital, Arizona 's decision to go to Malawai...
The one night she spent with Mark out of distraction - to fill the emptyiness she felt in her heart.
Her pregnancy; Arizona 's return, the plane crash...
Her thoughts were all over the place.
Yet through it all, they had managed to find their way back to each other, each and every time. It was never easy, but it was well worth the effort that it took.
Now Callie wondered if they could manage one last time or had their relationship been damaged so badly there was no coming back from this set-back?
Callie hoped and prayed that this was not the end.
It couldn't be.
She loved Arizona too much to let what they had and what they will have again - if she had anything to do with it - slip through their fingers.
Callie began to rock back and forth.
She missed Arizona; she missed her so much and it wasn't just physically.
There was an empty space in her heart – an Arizona shaped emptiness.
There were times Callie thought back to one of her favourite books while growing up: "Jane Eyre".
The way Edward Rochester explained how there was a string tied from his heart to Jane's and how he was afraid, "... that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I shall bleed inwardly." When he told Jane of her new job in Ireland.
She knew what he meant.
Callie was bleeding inwardly.
And the longer the chasm between her and Arizona existed, the more Callie felt it would become insurmountable to fill.
And there was nothing she could do to fix it.
She turned in the direction of the door when she heard the lock turn. Arizona entered the apartment without looking up.
Callie had to restrain herself from jumping from the couch, taking Arizona into her arms and holding her.
She wanted Arizona.
She wanted her wife, her best friend, Sofia 's mother back.
But she did not jump up and run to her. She did nothing except watch as Arizona closed and locked the door behind her, dropping her keys in the dish before looking up.
Callie heard her sigh and she bit her lip to keep herself from saying anything.
"Why aren't you in bed?" Arizona asked as she slowly crossed the room.
"I... I couldn't sleep." Callie answered truthfully.
"Oh," Arizona hesitated briefly. "I'm really tired."
Callie simply nodded.
"Good night." Arizona said as she walked past Callie.
Callie waited until she heard the bedroom door close before grabbing a cushion from the couch and began sobbing into it.
She would not give up, she couldn't.
Arizona was not going to throw their lives away.
Callie took deep breaths as she regained control of her emotions. She got up and went into the kitchen and splashed water on her face. She gripped the counter tightly after drying her face, "I'm not going to let you go Arizona." she said looking at the bedroom door, her voice hoarse. "You can't get rid of me that easily."
She waited until she thought Arizona had gotten into bed before walking out of the kitchen and to the bedroom. She reached out and turned the door handle, "You can do this, you have to," she told herself as she opened the bedroom door.
The End.