AN - I struggled to write this towards the end as I was in tears but I hope you like it, it was meant to be written as a remembrance piece but ended up being mainly around The little Miracle - The idea had been in my head all day that when I came to write a chapter for my other Fic this was all I could think about!
We knew from the start that this wasn't going to last it wasn't going to be a pregnancy filled with rainbows and magic like everyone else's. The moment I conceived was a miracle in its self so we had decided that no matter what we would make the most of this tiny little miracle growing inside of me… And that is exactly what we did. I'm 6 months pregnant and suffering from leukaemia, which is getting worse as I cannot have my treatment while pregnant. Doctors have feared that it has spread to the placenta and affecting our little miracle they want to induce me so that the baby is born because I am too Ill for a caesarean but even if I wasn't I would not have one I want to deliver naturally. But I'm scared.
We guessed it would only be a matter of time before I was stood at the doors of maternity waiting to go in and give birth it just seems strange that it is so early on but I know it is for the best they told us in a meeting yesterday that no matter what the outcome would be the same, we are doomed to lose our little miracle, they gave us figures, dates, numbers but it was all so wrong how can anyone be expected to sit there and take we were told that if the Baby is taken straight to SCBU once born there's a higher chance of survival but this wouldn't mean our miracle would live a normal life, this would mean our poor Baby would have to suffer just like me, day in, day out and I don't want that I can't let that happen. How after all these years of training can I not save the one little person who means so much to me? It hardly seems fair. Me and Tom both decided that we wanted our miracle to stay with us after birth even though we were told this meant that there was very little chance of surviving because we want to remember out little miracle without tubes and wires hooked up to its tiny little fragile body and because there is no way I can let my little miracle suffer the way I do… So todays the day in all the hustle and bustle of the morning I almost forgot what day it was but then looking down at the box of Poppies sat by the doors of maternity. I realised, how could I forget such an important day? Remembrance day up until this year I had either been in the paraded as a cadet, as a solider or recently since moving back to Holby as a supporter to all of my colleagues and friends who never made it home and to the ones who are still out there now fighting so we can be free.
"Are you ready?" Tom asked placing his arm around my waist and I nodded. He opened the door to maternity and we walked up to the desk.
"Good Morning how may I help?" The receptionist asked.
"Samantha Nicholls, here to be induced" I whispered but she heard me and called a midwife over.
"This is Andy, he is the nicest midwife up here and he will take care of you" The receptionist explained.
"Thank you" Tom replied as we walked off to my private room.
"Right if you get comfortable, I will be back in around 20 minutes to get you started as you are our top priority" Andy explained. As we enter my room Tom had helped me up on to the bed but I still wasn't in the mood for talking.
"Thanks mate" Tom said and Andy was about to leave before he turned back around and looked at me.
"Any questions you have Sam don't be afraid to ask" Andy smiled, I shot him a fake smile and he then walked off.
"Tom, I'm scared" I admitted with tears rolling down my face
"I know Sammy, I know" He whispered while gently stroking my hair in a comforting way. "You know I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared as well but we have to stay strong for our little one soon we will meet them and it will all be worthwhile" Tom added giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead and I couldn't help but let the little smile pull at my lips, he was right, even if you only get to spend a few minutes with our little miracle they will be the best minutes of our life, we have got a photographer to come in a capture the time with get to spend with our beautiful child. Because who knows how long we will have but whether its, second minutes or hours they will be the most precious moments spent as a family. It wasn't long after that I got into the hospital gown and waited for Andy to come back in.
Once he came back he explained what was going to happen and how it should all plan out but first I had to sign a few forms before he could begin. I signed the forms giving my consent and Andy started the procedure. I was told to give it 20 minutes or so and I should start to feel the need to push and as so as that need arrives I am to shout and scream to inform him but I wasn't up for that so I would just get Tom to go and get him.
Like Andy had said 20 minutes later and I was p for pushing, Tom poked him head around the door and called Andy who came running in, Tom then came over and took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Right Sam you are 4 cm dilated and need to start pushing to kick start Labour" Andy explained and so I did I took hold of Toms hand and pushed as hard as I could and I felt our little miracle wriggle around about almost as if to say I'm not ready. I am though so there is no time to waste, 20 minutes down the line and I was 6 cm dilated so I gave it another big push before giving another one I was stopped by Andy.
"Good Girl Sam, I can see the head" HE said encouragingly and Tom gave me a massive smile, so I pushed again.
"Keep going Sam almost done, I can see the shoulders" Andy said almost as excited as I was feeling. Even though I was in so much pain as they could not give me anything to take for the effect it might have with the Leukaemia I was smiling like a child on Christmas.
"One more big push and your baby will be with us" Andy explained and I took Toms hand and squeezed it as hard as I could while pushing I was almost certain that if I had done it any harder it would of broken his fingers. I let out a huge sigh of relief when I felt that I had delivered our little miracle. Tom wriggled out of my grip so he could cut the cord.
"Welcome to the world little one" Andy smiled holding up our little baby, so Tom could cut the cord I had requested I wasn't told the sex and I would find out once the baby was in my arms. I felt so weak but I knew I had to stay awake and hold our little miracle, once our baby was placed in my arms I slowly pulled back the blanket that was wrapped around her tiny little body, our little girls little body I looked up and smiled at Tom.
"It's a girl Tom, it's our little baby girl" I said with tears of joy falling from my eyes looking up to Tom who also was wiping away a stray tear then looked back down to our beautiful little angel our little girl. Just then the photographer walked in to photograph our precious family moments.
"Tom what was the time?" I question while gently stroking our little angles head, she has a little bit of thin dark hair just like Tom's she also has Toms nose but her little face is built like mine.
"9:02 that was they time she joined us? What name do you have in mind? I was thinking Rose" Tom explained smiling and bending down to be eye level with her.
"How about Poppy?" I asked. "Poppy Rose Kent" I added.
"That's perfect, Hi Poppy, it's Daddy here and he is so happy to finally meet you, I love you very much and nothing will ever change that" Tom smiled and gently placed a kiss on Poppy's tiny little forehead, she was so small you could fit her in the palm of your hands.
"Daddy's right you know, Mummy loves you lots too, both of us love you so much" I told poppy and moved so one of my hands where in front of her and so took her tiny hand and wrapped it around my finger.
Tom had the biggest smile on his face I had ever seen I didn't want to let go of Poppy, ever but Tom deserves to have a cuddle too.
"Tom, Here" I said passing Poppy over to him and as if it was possible but his smile grew even bigger and with that mine grew as well.
Somehow we had already been with our precious daughter for 30 minutes when Andy came back in with a clay plate which with pressed Poppy's little tiny hands and feet into and Andy painted the date on for us that took up another 30 minutes as we had to be so gentle with our daughter a hole hour with her I was so worried that we wouldn't even get a minute or 2 but here she is with us breathing by herself.
"Poppy you are the most beautiful little girl ever and I'm glad your mine" I told Poppy as Andy passed her over to me once I had Sat on Tom's lap and we both watched her sleep while we sang her nursery rhymes.
We had been with Poppy for one hour and 45 minutes when her breathing started to deteriorate we sat together holding our little beautiful angel stroking her little head of hair and whispering the same words over and over again 'I love you, Always and forever' We knew there wasn't long left and slowly but surely I had tears flooding from my eyes, I couldn't believe she was going to leave us but I knew it was for the best what good would a life of suffering be?
We both sat there and watched Poppy chest rise and fall with every breath she took, they were such a struggle I could tell, I lent down and kissed her forehead.
"It's okay Poppy, you can go to sleep, and Mummy loves you! Don't ever forget" I said and then looked up to Tom and broke down cradling our little Daughter.
"Daddy Love's you too Poppy, Now until forever" Tom said and lent down placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
We both looked down at our beautiful little Angel as her chest rose and fell for the last time at 11:02. I pulled her tiny body close, held her tight I cried. I knew it wouldn't bring her back, I knew it wouldn't heal the heartache but for now it felt great to be close to her. Tom wiggled his way out from under me and thanked the photographer for capturing the 2 hours we spent with our wonderful little girl, our special little Poppy.
"Tom" I said and then broke back into tears. All around me I could hear the cries of babies, little babies who will be able to enjoy their little lives with the families it didn't seem fair. Andy had come in and explained that we could spend some more time with Poppy even though she was gone but both me and Tom explained that we only wanted to have the memories of when she was alive, We both gave her a cuddle and a kiss before Andy placed her into the incubator and she was taken away and at the point I feel to the floor in tears I was heartbroken my little daughter being taken away I will never get to hold her again but I know it was for the best because I am also in terrible amount of pain right now and there is no chance I would let any child of mine suffer the way I do, I wanted to go home and just be with Tom but I wasn't allowed because of the birth and leukaemia but I couldn't stay here on Maternity either not with all these other happy smug parents around with their perfect families, just because our little girl was only with us for 2 hours doesn't mean she was any less than perfect and she will always be in our hearts where ever we go.
Andy pulled some strings and got my transferred to Keller where I was to stay in overnight for observation and to be reviewed in the morning. All the wait around would of killed me if it wasn't for one very kind and happy nurse Chantelle Lane, We could do with 10 of her down in the ED I did ask if she wanted to transfer but she wasn't up for it. Although she did let me and Tom spend the night together even though that is not normally allowed.
1 Year later.
Dressed in black with the tiniest of colours but the most important one on our coats a Poppy pin, both me and Tom made our way through the cemetery to Poppy's grave it was 5 to 11 and we wonder all through the cemetery giving a nod of the head to any other people at graves who reposed with the same nod, it's to an unusual day to find people here as this Cemetery is mainly used for fallen soldiers but there are a few graves at the end for families of soldiers and down to the circumstances I managed to get them to agree to let this be the place of rest for my little girl because in the eyes of the army I am a fallen soldier, after requiring to leave once It was discovered I had leukaemia and Poppy out daughter is my family.
We reached the grave and placed a bouquet of Poppies and roses down before I leant into Tom for support. Every time I looked at that beautiful stone it gave me Goosebumps. We got her a white marble teddy holding a black marble heart and we got in engraved into to it
'In Loving memory of our beautiful Baby girl Poppy Rose Kent
Who's Chest Rose and Fell for the First and last time on the 11th November 2013
A tiny flower lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in Heaven.'
The bell then rang for the 2 minutes silence for the fallen soldiers but also for me and Tom it was time to remember the 2 hours we spent with Poppy But Poppy is all I think about every moment of everyday she is my guardian Angel ever since she left us to go play with all the other Angels I have slowly been getting better and soon I won't need any more treatment which is amazing news though all of this because there was times when I thought that Tom would lose both of us and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him down here by himself he needs me and I need him. Soon the bells rang again to announce it had been 2 minutes.
"To Poppy and to all the fallen soldiers, we will remember you always" Tom said as he raised his bottle of water in the air.
"We will remember" I repeated raising my bottle of water as well.
Sleep Tight Poppy, you are always in our hearts.