"What are you doing?" asked Tomo.
"What?"
"I said what are you doing?" asked Tomo.
"Just checking my E-mail," said Sakaki.
"Well get off of the computer," said Tomo.
"Do you want to use it?"
"No," said Tomo, "I most certainly do not want to use the computer, and I will prove it. Now I want you to leave the room. When you come back, not only will the computer be off, it will also be suspiciously warm."
"Just what do you want the computer for?" asked Sakaki.
"I want to look at my Facebook profile," said Tomo, "So get off of the computer before I go over there and kick your ass." Sakaki raised an eyebrow at the hyperactive woman in front of her. "I'll do it," said super hyper, "You know I will."
"Just calm down, okay?" asked Sakaki.
Tomo stood next to Sakaki, tapping her fingers on the woman's head. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.
The woman sighed before leaving the room.
"Oh thank god," said Tomo as Sakaki slammed the door behind her, "I thought she would never leave. Now where was I?" Hmm, who posted this comment on…the inferiority of women? I'll show this bastard!
Sakaki walked back into the room with a soda in her hand.
"What are you doing?"
"Teaching this chauvinistic bastard on Facebook a lesson," said Tomo.
"Wait a minute," said Sakaki, "That profile says ARaZHi79."
"So what?" asked "the wildcat", "The point is that I am going to tell him how far he needs to shove his head, up his ass. Hey I know, I'll end it with 'Teaching your stupid ass a lesson, free of charge.'"
"Well just don't send it because—"
"And send." Tomo looked over her shoulder at Sakaki, "I know words were coming out of your mouth, but they sounded too much like ass for me to hear them."
"Look, you just sent a message to someone who was trying too—"
"What's that?" asked Tomo, "Is there a rogue ass making noises in the house?"
"What I'm trying to tell you," said Sakaki, "Is that the individual that you just sent that message to is a—"
"Will you shut up?" asked Tomo, "Nobody cares about whatever nonsense is coming out of your mouth. Now either shut up, or I will make you shut up."
"What?"
"Oh I will," said Tomo, "Just not write now."
"Why not? You were the one who wanted me to shut up so bad—"
"Look I know that it sounded like I said 'right', but I actually said 'write'."
"And why would you do that?" asked Sakaki.
"I don't fucking know," said Tomo, "Now shut up, the person has sent me a reply."
"That's what I've been trying to warn you about," said Sakaki, "What sent that message was a tr—"
"What the hell do you mean I fell for it?" Tomo yelled at the computer monitor, "This person is really starting to piss me off." Another message appeared on the computer screen, LMAO n00b. The "wildcat idiot" threw the monitor onto the ground.
"Why did you do that?" asked Sakaki, "I'm the one who has to pay for those!"
"Look, I know it seemed extreme," said Tomo, "But it wasn't. You would have done the exact same thing if you had been in my position."
"No I wouldn't have," said Sakaki, "because I wouldn't have sent the damn message to the troll."
"What's a troll?" asked Tomo.
"Let me tell you the ancient history," said Sakaki, "of the trolls."
"You mean like the one from the Harry Potter movie, you know the one that came out in 2001?"
"No," said Sakaki, "These trolls are different."
"Oh," said Tomo, "because it was a good movie."
"It was the best Harry Potter movie," said Sakaki, "or at least I think it is. I haven't seen the others."
"You wanna see them later today?" asked Tomo, "Maybe pick up some beers at 7 Eleven on the way back from the video store?"
"Yeah maybe," said Sakaki, "But what we need to do right now is understand the trolls better. Now listen to this story.
"Long ago in Scandinavia people used to catch small fish called herring. One day, when they went out to catch more of the small oceanic fish to keep from starving to death during the winter, they ran into little tiny monsters. These fiendish creatures attacked the Scandinavians not with their fangs or claws, but with their words.
"The comments they made about their hair and skin pigmentation were so hurtful, that it caused the Scandinavians to run home crying. While they sobbed by their tables, the little monsters roamed about. They liked nothing more than saying mean things about people, especially those who had low self esteem and were emotionally unstable.
"The massive suicide rates eventually caused the Scandinavians to look for the powerful wizard, Meshuggener. Using his magical powers, Meshuggener banished the monsters to a dimension that was never to be entered. Meshuggener called the monsters trolls."
"How the hell does that help me?" asked Tomo.
"I was getting to that," said an irritatated Sakaki, "So will you please wait two seconds for me to finish the story?"
"Look I don't have time for this," said Tomo, "I have a meeting in an hour with—"
"Then in the late 1950s," Sakaki interrupted, "the United States needed a weapon to defeat the Russians. They had spent years trying to develop death rays and atomic weapon shields, but none of those projects had proven successful. Then one man discovered the ancient story of the trolls.
"He then attempted to open a portal to the dimension that Meshuggener threw the awful monsters into. His project was given a large amount of funding and top clearence. It went under the cover of being a networking project, but it was really an attempt to interact with other dimensions."
"Yeah this sounds like a bunch of crap," said Tomo, "How much longer do you think I'll sit here and listen to this?"
"Then why are you eating popcorn while I'm telling the story?" asked Sakaki.
"Fine," Tomo rolled her eyes, "Continue."
"Initially they were unable to interact with the other dimension."
"Big surprise there," said Tomo as she shoveled popcorn into her mouth, "The crackpot theory didn't work. I tell you you're filled with crap—"
"Moving on. After nearly ten years of no success, the United States Military gave the project to CERN. Then in 1991 on August 6th, Cern released the World Wide Web. Through that portal it was then possible to connect and communicate with the trolls, unfortunately no one could understand what they were saying, since they only spoke in a rare Scandinavian accent.
"Then Stephen Hawking, using advanced computer algorithms, and some old Norweigian lady, came up with a computer code that could translate their words into any language. It was too late to use this technology against the Soviet Union, but NATO had plans to launch these 'anti-morale' weapons at any future threat."
"So let me get this straight," said Tomo, "You're saying that some magic wizard banished some backwoods monsters to a dimension that must never be entered?"
"That's right."
"And that dimension is the Internet?"
"No, what I'm saying is that the Internet is a bridge between our dimension and theirs allowing us to communicate."
"You pulled this idea out your ass didn't you Sakaki?"
"I did not pull this idea, 'out of my ass.'"
"Whatever," said Tomo, "But now it's time for the Azu Teen Humor Force to assemble!"
"We're already here."
"No, we're not genius," said Tomo, "Osaka is missing!"
"She's right behind you, genius."
"High five Osaka," said Sakaki, "You told her what's what."
"I sure as hell did," said Osaka, "Now why are we just standing here when there are trolls terrorizing people across the Internet?"
"Yeah," said Tomo, "Sakaki, activate your powers."
"I don't have any powers."
"What the hell do you mean?" Tomo angrily spat, "How can you be a member of the Azu Teen Humor Force if you do not have special powers?"
"The reason I'm here is because it was the first damn job I found. I never expected that part of the requirements were to move to the United States and live on the East Coast."
"Then why are you here?" asked Tomo, "We're supposed to be solving mysteries and battling teenage depression. How are we supposed to do that without you having special powers?"
"Well she's here because she's physically attractive," said Osaka, "If she goes out in a bathing suit, there won't be any depressed teenage boys."
"What about the gay ones?" asked Tomo, "And I am not just saying this because I am very upset with you not saying that I am the one that men crave."
"Everyone knows that you're just jealous," said Osaka, "You're a fool, and the gay boys will turn bi when they see her."
"I don't like where this is going," said Sakaki.
"Well too damn bad," said Tomo, "Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to be hotter than me, I mean almost hotter than me."
"Hey Sakaki," said Osaka, "You wanna go watch TV?"
"Nah," said Sakaki, "Let's go to Best Buy and buy a DVD player and a sub woofer."
"Yeah!" said Osaka, "Then I can listen to my Lady Gaga and Marc Anthony songs and start dancing."
"Dancing is forbidden!" yelled Tomo, "Dancing has always been forbidden!"
"Aw fuck off," said Osaka, "I love dancing. Here listen to this."
Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read 'em my poker face...
She's got to love nobody.
"Why are you two dancing?" asked Tomo.
"I like this song," said Sakaki.
"Well maybe you'll like my foot up your ass!"
"Maybe you'll like cooking your own damn dinner tonight!" yelled Sakaki.
"Okay," said Tomo, "I will forgive the dancing, as long as you make something that I can keep down."
"Let's just order pizza," said Osaka, "I hate doing the dishes."
"Yeah, that's fine with me," said Tomo.
"But who's going to pay for it?" asked Sakaki.
"Why don't you get your troll friends to pay for it?" asked Tomo.
"They don't have any money," said Sakaki, "How are tiny monsters that were banished to another dimension going to have American dollars?"
"You're the science person," said Tomo, "You figure it out."
"Fine," said Sakaki, "I guess I'll just have to pay for it myself."
Osaka watched as Sakaki left the computer room, slamming the door behind her. "Hell yeah," said Osaka, "I hate paying for things."
"As do I," said Tomo, she picked up a baseball bat. "And I also hate listening to crappy music!" The obnoxious woman then proceeded to smash the stereo set into tiny plastic pieces.
"Hey!" yelled Osaka, "My The Fame album was in there!"
"I know," said Tomo as she threw the bat against the wall, "That's why I destroyed the boombox."
"But that was your boombox," said Osaka.
"Aw crap."