The Haunted Haunt
Usual disclaimer: I do not own anything about Invader Zim. I do however, own the word 'skeefleumber', so don't you use it!
It was yet another afternoon on the skool playground and the kids were out playing their usual games or simply hanging about with their friends. There were a few exceptions (isn't there always?) Dib was near his sister totally engrossed in drawing up another idea to expose Zim, his sister Gaz doing her best to pretend her brother only existed as a figment of someone else's imagination and Zim was standing in the corner of the school grounds.
He stood there bored almost out of his superior Irken mind, observing how simple games entertained the human dirt babies. How can something like hitting a spherical object with a piece of wood cause so much excitement? Or jumping around with a bit of rope? Or squatting in the dirt arguing over a pile of colored cards? Truly this species was just worthy only to be Irken slaves. He wondered what task his leaders, the Tallest, would use them for. Sorting space rocks, most likely. They didn't seem to be intelligent enough for any complicated tasks.
He yawned, and then decided to walk along the fence towards the doors. Soon the bell would ring anyway and they'd all have to go in. Zim had discovered that this was about the safest place to be on the playground. Standing out in the open only invited loose balls to smack into his middle (intended or accidental) or caused collisions with the running kids who were too dimmed in the brain cases to watch where they were going.
Perhaps his leaders could use the human worm children to feed the captives in the Irken Zoo. That would give them an actual purpose to exist..
Zim noticed that his direction would go right past the most irritating kid of all, Dib. Hmmm, he would make a good meal for the Irken Tree-Biter Beast. Oh yes, now there's a creature that was a pleasure to feed. Once it fastened its fanged eyelids on prey it slowly pulled the unfortunate back and took its sweet time gnawing and chewing its victim. Zim could just see Dib squirming in its grasp and the thought entertained him enough to stop and lean against the fence, savoring it.
Dib and the Tree Biter, yes.
The thought was broken into by a group of giggling girls walking past. Zim glared at them but they took no notice. One girl had a book open while the other three were trying to peer inside.
"Come on, Gail!" one girl begged. "What happened next? Did the girl get killed? Did the ghost get her?"
"Did she become a ghost too?" breathed another.
"Did she get her head cut off?" added the third.
Gail waved them off. "Gimme room! Gimme room!" They settled on the bench not three feet from Zim and Gail opened the book wider. "Ok, we stopped at…..where did we stop?"
"Chapter Three!" the other girls chorused, giggling in such a high pitched manner that made Zim wince.
"Ok ok..*ahem*…so…chapter three." Gail cleared her throat and then began to read in a slow, careful and scary voice. "She thought she was alone. Allll alone in the big creepy house. The only light she had was her flashlight with the weak battery because her boyfriend had taken the spotlight. It flickered and seemed about to go out. She will soon be alllloonnee in the…Dark!"
The other girls gasped and giggled, causing Zim to look disgustedly at the sky.
Gail resumed reading. "Even her faithful dog was gone. She hoped he had made his way home but since the last pet she owned, Fluffy the kitten, had been horribly cut to small pieces and fed to the zombie parakeet she was pretty sure Fido had met the same fate."
"Awww, poor Fluffy and Fido!"
"But suddenly.." Gail's voice went low and earnest. "Suddenly she heard a sound. It was coming from downstairs. Thump! Thump! Thump! Her heart went into her throat, she knew what that meant. It was coming! Coming for her!"
In spite of himself Zim found himself interested up in the tale. Something that made humans' hearts shift position? This knowledge might be useful to him!
"Thump! Thump! Thump! Up the stairs it came. Closer and closer! Thump! Thump! The hollow sound from the old creaky wooden steps sent shivers like an icy hand go up her spine. Thump! Thump!"
Hmmm, this phenomenon also caused human spines to chill. Interesting.
"Then, her flashlight went out! She was in pitch blackness! Alone in the dark! Alone in the dark, in the big creepy house haunted by…haunted by the HAUNTED MEATBALL!"
The girls all squealed in delighted feigned terror at the same time the skoolbell rang. Amid the disappointed 'awwwwws' Gail closed the book and the girls made their way to the doors. Zim rubbed his chin and stared thoughtfully after them. A haunted food item? What was'haunted' anyway? What did it mean?
"Hey ZIM!" came a shout practically right beside him and he jumped. Dib was walking near and he grinned at him. "Whatzamatter, ghost stories get to you? Superior being, my grandma!"
"Your aged relative cannot be superior to me, because I am NORMALLY SUPERIOR! Or SUPERIORLY NORMAL!" Flustered, Zim tried to hide his momentary confusion in shouting. "And why should a ghosty story 'get' to me, Dib-Stink?"
"Oooh, you believe in ghosts, Zim?"
"I…" Zim's pupils set in the human contact lens shifted about. "Why would I not believe ghosts, do they lie?"
Dib snorted. "Not 'believe', 'believe in'! As of thinking they exist! Don't you have ghosts on your planet?"
"Oh COURSE we DO!" the Irken sniffed. "Uh…I mean, where I'm FROM we have ghosts! They…they make great pets!"
Dib laughed in a way that made Zim grate his teeth. "Oh man! You just have no clue, do you?"
"Zim has several clues, Dib-soon-to-be-food-for-zoo-creatures! Mind that I don't throw some at you!"
As he followed the rest of the kids into the dingy dark building that served as the Skool Zim's mind went back to the unfinished story the girls had been reading and to the unfamiliar words 'ghosts' and 'haunt'. Obviously they meant something to these Earthlings or they wouldn't cause such a reaction. And from what Dib said it was something all humans knew about, therefore it was something he had to research. If he could find a ghost that could indeed make humans' hearts jump and their spines chill that would be an easy way to render them helpless when the mighty Irken Armada came!
Dib, of course, would be the first one to go.
After the skool let out that afternoon Zim walked slowly back to his house, pondering the meaning of 'ghosts' and 'haunted' and trying to think of ways to bend such things to his will. It shouldn't be too hard; after all it was merely more human stuff.
Inside his home/base he passed Gir sitting on the couch and watching tv as usual. Perhaps his robot had seen something about 'hauntings'. It wouldn't hurt to ask.
"Gir," Zim paused by the couch. Gir stared silently at the tv screen. "Gir, have you seen any programs on 'ghosts' or 'hauntings'?"
The reaction was not exactly what he had expected. Gir suddenly leaped straight up in the air, screeched 'GHOSTIES!" and hid under the couch cushions.
Zim looked at the lumpy cushion, mometarily confused. "Ah…yes, Gir. Ghosts. What are they?"
"Ghosts! Ghosties come out at night and get you! They go through walls! And doors! They sneak up behind you and go 'Ooooooooooooooowwhhhh!' " Gir stood up from under the cushions, held his hands up in a supposedly ghostly manner and moaned. "Ghosties SCARIES! They might get Piggy!"
The robot reached out and grabbed his Piggy to hold it close. "Ghosties no get Piggy nows, I guard!"
Zim wasn't any closer to an answer. From the reactions of the girls at the skool he gathered they were frightful and Gir just confirmed it"So where would one get these…ghosts, Gir?"
"Master don't get ghosties! Ghosties SCARY!" Gir repeated, shaking his head. There was a slight rattling noise.
"But I NEED them, Gir! I could use them against the humans! Where do I get ghosts?"
"Ummmm…." Gir took just a moment of thinking before brightly answering 'Don't know!"
Zim twisted his mouth in frustration. "Ok then, what about 'hauntings' Do you know where …."
He never finished his sentence before Gir pointed to the tv. "The Ghosty Channel!" he declared. "I don't like watching that, it's scary!"
"'Ghosty Channel'?"
Gir picked up the remote and clicked a number. Almost immediately the sight of a partially opened coffin filled the screen. A body slowly came out, a man with cheap makeup and a ripped suit. He still disturbed Gir, as he hid behind his master.
"Good day to you," the man said in a heavy accent. "Since today happens to be 'TombsDay' I have the pleasure of filling your hours with a marathon of the most ghostly, ghastly and hauntingly horrific films I could gather. So get all your snacks, your drinks, and make sure the lights are out before we begin. I hope you enjoy them. Heh heh heh heh heh!"
Zim was nonplussed. 'THAT is haunting?"
Gir shook his head again vigorously. "The movies is scaries!" he said firmly. "Master don't watch! Master have nightmares!"
"Feh, whatever this puny planet can dish up, I, the Mighty Zim! can take!" Gir, I shall watch this 'marathon' of hauntings. Don't bother me."
"B. master!" Gir's voice was almost a wail. "Izza scaries!"
"You think I will be scared of a movie? Gir, go make waffles or wash the ceiling or something. Don't bother me for the next few hours."
"Ok!" Gir's nervous mood instantly vanished. "Wash waffles and make the ceiling!" The robot bounded cheerfully off.
Zim rolled his eyes and sighed as he settled down into a comfortable position on the couch. Why do I even try? he wondered silently. After a moment's thought he turned off the lights as the host had instructed. Now his research into this haunting business can start.