Edit: So I uploaded this the first time and it fucked up so hopefully this is readable.

Be sure to review with your thoughts :)

how do you turn

a forest fire like me

so soft i turn into

running water

{rupi kaur}

[Deserving]

He fucked up.

The minute he saw that look in her eyes, one that he didn't recognize, he knew it. He screwed up.

He missed out on a whole year with her. He missed her growing her hair out, her new stories, her new job.

But all of that didn't matter when it got down to the main point.

He left her alone for a whole year.

He didn't think the guild would dissolve. He thought she'd be surrounded by their family. But he was wrong and he knew it was a mistake he could never make right.

So when he saw her wall filled with their friends locations, Natsu felt his heart shatter. His gazed fell to her sleeping form, knowing that the smile she wore was only for when she dreamed of a better life.

His quickly came to a decision and quietly left her room, putting his clothes on and packing a few small items.

"Natsu?" He heard Happy say from behind him. Natsu turned to his partner, giving him a small, pained smile. Happy looked worried and not sure what to say to him and Natsu didn't blame him. There wasn't much to say.

"How could I have done that Happy?" His voice cracked at the end, on the verge of losing control of his emotions. "How could I have hurt her like that?" Natsu collapsed onto the couch, hands coming up to rest on his face as he beat himself up over it.

Happy jumped up onto the couch beside him, not saying anything for a few minutes. Natsu knew Happy was probably blaming himself for this a little bit as well, which wasn't true and Natsu made a mental note to remind him of that later when he's calmed down a bit.

"We couldn't have known this would happen." Happy broke the silence, voice shaking and tears threatening to spill.

"That doesn't make it okay."

They set up camp for the night on their way to find Wendy, pretending that everything was okay and that they could easily go back to how things were. Happy was sound asleep, muttering something about fish and Charle every now and then, causing Lucy to smile fondly at the exceed. Natsu was happy to see her smile; he really had missed it. The way it lit up her eyes and made the skin around her eyes crinkle the slightest bit.

She was beautiful.

"Lucy," he started, but trailed off, not knowing how to say what he wanted to.

The smile faded from her face as she took in his expression, and she folded her hands on her lap in front of her. "What is it, Natsu?" She voiced softly. Kindly. He didn't deserve her kindness.

"I just- I'm sorry." He cursed to himself; he should have phrased that better.

He avoided her eyes- he didn't want to see what she was thinking. He was selfish, he didn't want to see her hurt or mad because of him, not anymore. He didn't want the guilt.

But he deserved it.

"You're sorry?" She questioned a few moments later, voice raising at the word sorry. "You're sorry." It was a statement, one filled with anger.

"Look at me." He heard her stand up, and knowing that Lucy was scarier than Erza when she was angry, Natsu raised his head. She towered above him, hands formed into fists and resting on her hips. "I was completely alone for a year. You left me." Shaking her head, she moved her arms to cross them over her chest, and it was only then that he noticed her eyes were shining from the tears she was holding back. "And all you have to say is that you're sorry?" She started to yell, and a single tear fell down her cheek, shoulders shaking.

And he realized that she wasn't crying because she was sad; she was crying because she was angry.

He winced, slowly getting to his feet while maintaining eye contact. "I know," he moved closer to her as she jerked back a step, hands falling flat at her sides. "And I can't think of the words to say how sorry I am Lucy, you know I was never good with them." He reached out, grabbing her right hand with his left, gently entangling his fingers through hers. When she didn't pull away he grabbed her left, doing the same thing. "All I can say right now is how sorry I am, and how much I missed you. I still miss you."

Her lip quivered, tears falling more freely now as she ripped her hands out of his, causing him to stumble back in slight shock. She balled her hands into fists, and without warning she started to pound them against his chest, a sob ripping through her throat.

"A letter!" She screamed, hitting him over and over with anger, pain, defeat, and a million other emotions reflected in her eyes. "A letter." She whispered, collapsing against him as she let the sobs take over. He quickly wrapped his arms around her, guiding them to the ground as he brought one hand up to stroke her hair, letting her cry without saying a word.

"I hated you."

Lucy didn't move from him as she started to speak, her sobs gone and replaced with silent tears falling down her cheek.

"At least, I thought I did for the longest time. I didn't understand how you could just leave like that without saying goodbye. I still don't get it." She took a deep breath, hands curling up against him. "But then I realized I didn't hate you, even though you're a major ass," she let out a breathy laugh before continuing, "I just can't help it. I love you too much."

Natsu felt his heart stop. He didn't know what kind of love she meant, but it didn't matter. God, how he wanted to hear her say it again. He smiled, tilting his head to kiss the top of her head.

"You deserve better than me."

"I don't want better." She said it so softly he almost didn't hear it.

His eyes went wide, heart beating faster as he rested his chin on top of her head, mind going blank. She was too good for him, she made him feel things he never thought he would. He loved her, down to the deepest parts of his heart, and he wasn't never going to leave her again. He didn't think he could bare it.

"I don't deserve you."

"But I need you."

And without another word he listened to her breath deepen and her heartbeat steady as she fell asleep in his arms, and he couldn't help but feel like everything would finally be okay.

That they would be okay.