Disclaimer: I don't own. Obviously.

It was a cold night, and due to the fact that it was nearing midnight, all the students of Forks High were currently in class, attempting to learn. This was because an utterly insane woman with weight problems had decided to write a novel about vampires set in their tiny, rainy, secluded little town and to keep the tourists coming, the mayor had told everyone they have to act like vampires. Thus the schedule reversal.

There was a new girl in town that day – night – though. She was just about as pale as a vampire, although without the red eyes, and tripped over anything and everything, including air. This resulted in several humiliating encounters, and by the end of the night, there were several rumors going around about some unmentionable things.

The girl's name was Bella Swan, and she was currently sitting in Biology class waiting for her partner to appear, hoping he was Robert Pattinson. But no, it had to be the gayest, most sparkly man she'd ever been so unfortunate as to encounter.

The man plonked himself down on the seat next to her, and promptly broke their table in half.

"Why'd you do that for?" Bella asked, scandalized.

"I could not resist your blood, and so am taking out my anger on inanimate objects," Edward Cullen replied.

Bella raised her eyebrows. "That's a new pick-up line," she offered finally, crossing her legs and falling to the floor immediately.

Edward helped her up, breaking her chair in the process. "It's not a pick-up line," he said darkly.

Bella squinted at the gay sparkly vampire. "Say, do you have that bipolar disease thingy? Coz that would explain a lot."

"I've met you all of ten seconds, Bella. You don't know me. I'm a monster."

"Cool," Bella said indifferently.

Edward fell silent, then brightened up, dazzling Bella so much she fainted. After she'd woken up, he asked, "Hey, so after I break a couple of mirrors and earn a few centuries of bad luck, I leave and we both almost commit suicide and a lot of bullpoopy involving blood and wedding rings go down, do you mind marrying me?"

Bella nodded sagely. "That's what they all say," she said solemnly.

Edward blinked. "No, I'm being serious."

"Did someone call me?" asked Sirius Blake, popping up out of nowhere.

"No," Jessica Stanley told him. "Do you want to go find a broom closet somewhere?"

Sirius shrugged and the two of them strolled out of the classroom together, hand in hand. Tyler Crowley started slitting his wrists.

"So?" Edward persisted.

Bella sighed. "Fine, fine, whatever," she said dismissively, uncapping a pen and writing ELOPE WITH GAY SPARKLY VAMPIRE on her hand.

"I resent that," Edward said, wounded.

Bella shrugged. "It's the truth. Don't your siblings ever tell you that?"

"How do you even know I have siblings?" Edward wanted to know.

"No, no, you're doing this all wrong!" Jacob Black wailed, bursting in on them, before pausing. "Hey, where's my dad?"

"Who's your dad?" the class asked in unison.

"Sirius Black! Who else?"

"Billy Black?" Edward suggested. "The werewolf?"

"What werewolf?" Bella asked cluelessly.

"Who the –"

"Language!" Sirius reprimanded sharply, dragging a sobbing Jessica in after him.

"I was going to say eff!" Jacob protested.

"Same thing."

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME! I'M GOING TO GO DIE FIGHTING NEWBORNS!" Jacob sobbed loudly, running out of the classroom.

Tyler frowned at Mike, pausing and looking up from the blood spilling all over his seat from his wrists. "You can die fighting babies?"

Mike twirled a pen absently. "I dunno. Maybe it's a werewolf thing."

Jacob peeked back into the classroom. "Newborn vampires," he corrected, then resumed sobbing and running from the school.

"Well, that would make a little more sense," Sirius observed wryly.

Edward turned back to Bella. "So, would you mind letting my psychotic future-vision-seeing perpetually hyper sister plan our wedding?"

"Maybe, if you let werewolves attend."

"Uh, maybe not then. How about we elope in Vegas then?"

"That's so crass and overrated and cliché. Besides, werewolves are cool."

"They're a vampire's worst enemy!" Edward exclaimed.

Bella shrugged. "Deal with it."