Notes:
A week ago I had the idea to write about quasiplatonic Shinara and while writing this fic I fell completely into shipping hell. *narrows eyes at genres, because there's no really fitting option*
This got unexpectedly long (about 10900 words wtf) and I apologise, but splitting it up didn't feel right. So I added some scene breaks and hope that helps you not to get too lost when reading.
A part two will most likely happen which is why I'm not setting it to complete yet. But I don't know how long till I'll actually be able to post it.
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"Relationship Stuff"
- Shinkai Hayato -
.: :.
Someone who says there is nothing which makes me lose my calm has surely never seen me during a serious sprint. I didn't get the title "The Straight-Line Demon" without reason in my first high school year. I crave to be the fastest and I will not let up, doing whatever is necessary to win. Even Fukutomi Juichi who knows me since middle school has noted how I change drastically once I get really driven to beat my opponent to a checkpoint or the goal. Except for that, however, there's little that gets my blood pumping one way or another.
Maybe I'm saving everything up for my sprints, maybe I'm a racing junkie, maybe my dedication to competitive biking has nothing to do with it. I get along with most people and honestly I'm not very particular about whom I spend my time with. The ones I came to call my friends just sort of happened to me. It could've easily turned out differently, I'm sure. I might've not spent as much time with Juichi and as a result not come together with those people I ended up hanging out with in high school. I might've never taken any interest in Arakita Yasutomo.
.: :.
He wasn't a cyclist when he came to Hakone Academy's biking club in our first year. He'd had some kind of run in with Juichi (I actually never asked about the details) and ended up stealing his road racer. Juichi insisted that Arakita-kun, as I formally referred to him back then, would show up and return the road racer, but the other club members were certain Juichi would never get to see his bike again.
They were wrong about Arakita-kun not showing, but regarding his personality they hit closer to home in their assessment. If Juichi is calm, taciturn and easy to be around, then Arakita-kun is the exact opposite. Why the former seemed obstinate about getting the latter involved with the biking club at all was a mystery to everyone. Not even I could tell what my friend was thinking, though frankly I didn't really care.
.: :.
At first, I kept my distance. I had no reason to get involved. Juichi had brought Arakita-kun to the club and it was his business to deal with the newbie who didn't seem to fit in with the other cyclists at all. Though it was interesting to watch. No one really seemed to understand why Arakita-kun was so determined to finish the training Juichi assigned him with every day while continually running off his mouth about it. The way he constantly complained about the hard work gave everyone the impression that he might quit at any given moment — and yet he always pulled through with it and kept returning. It was actually kind of impressive.
Knowing Juichi well, I understood there was something that had him invest in this abrasive guy who no one else saw any potential in (except maybe the potential to stir things up and cause a scene). By then I was aware of Juichi's tendency to take a liking to the strange types, but it didn't really concern me. I kept watching Arakita-kun in the club room, because he had the habit to attract attention, but I had no personal interest in keeping track of his progress.
.: :.
Once Tōdō Jinpachi who I was sometimes getting together with during asked me for my opinion of Arakita-kun while the two of us were out in the countryside for training. He was frank about not liking our new club member, making some reasonable points. After all, Arakita-kun was mostly loud and messy and lacked showing respect towards others. If you were concerned with these kinds of things (which I wasn't) he was hard to put up with. Whatever Jinpachi was concluding about Arakita-kun lacking a sense of beauty and thus not being cut out for road racing, I couldn't follow and left it uncommented.
The truth was, I was still indifferent, but I doubted there was any point in trying to explain that to Jinpachi. Instead I noted that Arakita-kun seemed to come from an athletic club, since he possessed the stamina to keep up with the harsh training. Apparently Jinpachi had come to the same conclusion and asked Arakita-kun about it, but was told to shut up. (Think what you want about Jinpachi, but he certainly makes the effort to reach out to people, so if it doesn't work out it's not because he didn't try.) There was probably truth in his assessment that something must've happened for Arakita-kun not wanting to talk about his previous club. It actually made me wonder what it was that had him be so persistent about biking.
.: :.
I found Arakita-kun during lunch break, eating his sandwich by himself. Given his demeanour it wasn't surprising to me that people seemed to keep their distance from him. I didn't have to tell him my name since he seemed to recognise me (not that I had intended to introduce myself formally). Bringing up Jinpachi's dislike of Arakita-kun was a little experiment. Sometimes I like to test people and their reactions to see how far I can strain their patience. He didn't lash out right away as I thought he might would, given what I had witnessed of his temper so far.
As it turned out Arakita-kun was well aware of other people's antipathy towards him. He got defensive, though, suspecting that I wanted to make him quit the club, because I thought he was in the way. I hadn't suggested anything like this in the slightest, but it seemed he had arrived at this conclusion by himself. I didn't think much of it, after all Jinpachi had expressed his opinion that Arakita-kun should be made to quit the club, so either he had been approached about this matter before or it was something he could sense on people's minds just as he grasped their dislike of him.
I didn't feel like testing him any further — it was not what I had come for — so I got to the point. Why do you ride bicycles? Asking this was a gamble, I knew. Arakita-kun seemed like the type to tell me that it was none of my business. I wanted to try it anyway, I'm not one to mourn wasted effort. I guess you could say that it payed off in this case. He responded right away, giving the kind of impulsive answer that comes out without thinking. Because I want to prove that I exist here. Because I am me and this is who I am. It was honest, no doubt.
Things were adding up. I probably had guessed it already, because I'd known Juichi long enough, but now I was sure I understood. Juichi was betting on the strong willpower Arakita Yasutomo possesses and the great potential that stems from it. Maybe I couldn't resist to test him a little more, because I told Arakita-kun that Juichi likes the strange types like him. He was so shocked by this that I first thought he'd misunderstood the meaning of my words. But it turned out that actually the idea of someone liking him (in whatever sense) was alien to him. I guessed he'd been a loner for a long time, but cared about what people thought of him a lot more than he would admit.
.: :.
After that encounter my interest was piqued. I quietly agreed with Juichi that Yasutomo-kun, how I was referring to him from then on, had the potential to make it far as a cyclist no matter how unfit for the biking club the others considered him to be. I was curious how many obstacles he could run into without losing the will to pick himself up again and continue to try. In a renowned club like Hakone Academy's biking club competition is high and progress which brings actual success is a lot harder to achieve. Seeing how he was faring with that became a matter of personal interest for me.
I respected the dedication and effort Yasutomo-kun put into his practice, even though I had the impression that our motivations differed. As far as I could tell, it wasn't about riding bicycles or winning a race for him. It was about proving his worth and biking just happened to be a way for him to try and achieve that. While there are so many things I just can't be bothered to care about, I'm very invested in biking.
I ride to be the fastest, to overtake everyone else and cross the finish line first. I tease and taunt when I'm getting really into it, pushing my opponents to their limits with my speed and my words. Yasutomo-kun doesn't have the drive or stamina to keep something like that up. He never stops complaining about the effort while investing it anyway and while there's no stopping him until he catches up and overtakes them when he's chasing someone, he's completely out of steam afterwards and bound to drop out.
.: :.
It still took a while before we actually started hanging out. As so often with these things I'm not too sure about the details. I remember Yasutomo-kun winning his first race with Juichi pulling him towards the finish line and being genuinely happy for him. I remember Yasutomo-kun switching from calling Juichi "Iron Mask" to addressing him as "Fuku-chan".
Nothing apparent changed though, Arakita Yasutomo still was hard to get along with for most people — and yet he gradually spent more time with Juichi and me outside of club activities. Even Jinpachi who had been determined to make him quit the bicycle club came around and tolerated him despite their differences. I stopped adding the -kun to Yasutomo's name when addressing him as I call all people I consider as friends simply by their given name.
.: :.
Determining the point at which friendship became something else on my part is hard in retrospect. He drew my attention, because I was curious to see how his training was going. But eventually I wasn't just watching his progress on the road racer, I was watching him. Seeing him up close and interacting with him probably had a part in it. Being around him became something I enjoyed and when I wasn't with him he was on my mind with increasing frequency.
I just wanted to be with him. I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to eat him. It took me some time to piece things together, but during winter break when I had to admit to myself that I was missing him, everything fell into place. That was one of the few moments during my high school life that I actually cursed. I had a crush and I had managed to pick the worst possible person when it came to the chance of my feelings being reciprocated.
Nothing about Yasutomo indicates there being any space for affection — not like that anyway. Juichi seemed to be the only person he fully respects. Not that I particularly minded "only" being tolerated by Yasutomo, because that alone seems already a lot with a guy like him. The difficulty was getting close to him, gaining a chance to become more intimate with him and telling him how I felt.
His abrasive behaviour and rude speech as well as his bad temper serve well to keep people at a distance, whether Yasutomo does it on purpose or not. But I can put up with that. I'm not easily offended, it actually takes a lot to make me lose my patience. Whatever Yasutomo threw my way, I could handle it. But it was another thing to push past the hard exterior and get to the soft core — because I was sure there was a part of Yasutomo that cared more than he was willing to admit.
The thing was, I wasn't even sure if I actually wanted that or what I expected to come from it. I'd had crushes before, but I rarely had followed up with initiating anything. I had mostly been content with the idea of them and how things might develop between us. But that never meant I wanted a relationship in practice. I couldn't even determine how I would go about something like that.
.: :.
Eventually I was ready to give up on the thought of saying anything. Whenever I caught Yasutomo alone, I never knew how to bring up my feelings for him. Suddenly being straightforward wasn't as easy and a confession of my love didn't seem that appealing anyway. Instead I simply enjoyed the time we got to spend together. I challenged myself with getting Yasutomo to do things which showed how he actually cared beneath his supposed annoyance at everything and I felt great satisfaction whenever I succeeded in doing so. It was my own private enjoyment which I shared with no one else (just like my amusement at people getting more worked up about things than I felt was necessary).
To be honest, I was fine with it. It seemed like enough. I was remaining in my own comfort zone where I was familiar with the way things were. I didn't need to worry about having to deal with variables like the full nature of my own feelings, however Yasutomo might react if he knew and how things between us might change as a result. I wasn't willing to put up with that.
Once however, during our second year at Hakone Academy, I made an unexpected gamble. To this day I'm not sure what possessed me. Yasutomo and I happened to be the only ones being in the club room after practice. What we talked about or if we talked at all, I can't recall anymore. But I still remember the frown on Yasutomo's face about one thing or another.
A fluttering sensation expanded in my stomach at the sight of his expression. I was captivated by his mouth, drawn towards his lips. True, I had considered eating him before, but while it had been a theory in my head I had never felt the impulse to follow up on it — until then. I moved without thinking — or if a thought occupied my mind then it was purposeful and overruled anything else. My steps were careful yet determined as I approached him. He gave me a questioning look when he noticed me coming up without a word, but I left him no time to ask what I was doing.
With my hands cupping his face I leaned in and ate him. Yasutomo tensed instantly, the soft touch of my mouth on his taking him by surprise. Then, as if out of curiosity, he tentatively tried to match the movement of my lips. The fluttering in my stomach increased. I became daring and let my tongue brush against his lips.
The bliss I felt ended after only a fleeting moment as Yasutomo pulled away all too soon. My hands became limp and I let them slide from his face. I instinctively took a step back. I felt regret — if only a little — gnawing at me. But I wasn't very surprised he hadn't actually gone along with the eat. If I was being honest, it was to be expected.
Still, it felt disheartening to be faced with the rejection. Whoever said being impulsive was something good? I remember thinking that this was probably why I never felt the desire to initiate anything. It was a hassle with too much at stake for me to feel like it was worth taking the risk for. There was no point in me taking a chance when it had little to gain and I was only giving up my own comfort.
"Gross!" Yasutomo exclaimed, not holding back his opinion as always.
It was rare for his words to bother me, but this stung — even though I could've guessed he would react like this. My heart was beating faster and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I wasn't used to being worried, I wasn't very familiar with wanting to take something back.
"Is it because I'm a guy?" I inquired, remaining calm and almost casual despite everything.
"Huh?" Yasutomo sounded like he didn't understand what the point of that question was. "Why should it make any difference whether it's a guy or girl? Eating's just gross! I always thought so, but now I know for sure."
I paused to process his words. My pulse was still increased, but I felt more at ease already and managed a genuine smile.
"Then let me apologise."
I left it at that. I didn't quiz Yasutomo about whether it meant that he just didn't like eating or whether he simply had no interest in anything like a romantic relationship. Neither did I ask whether he could imagine seeing me as anything else than a friend (if he thought of me as a friend at all), nor did either of us bring up the topic for a long time. I was fine with returning to my comfort zone where I could just be instead of having to act.
.: :.
Soon after, I ran over a rabbit while overtaking an opponent during a race. I was taking the course on my way back from the finish line when I found the dead animal with its young sitting helplessly and lonely by its side. I was overwhelmed with guilt at the sight. To make amends I picked up the orphaned rabbit and began to care for it. For the first time I was appalled by my racing and felt that my desire to be the fastest racer was dangerous. Usakichi, as I named the young rabbit, became my reminder of that. My feelings for Yasutomo became secondary and any vague questioning if I actually wanted to pursue some kind of relationship with him lost the little relevance with which it had been on my mind in the first place. I simply returned to appreciating Yasutomo's company.
It was Juichi who pushed me back to racing, but even as I started riding my road racer again I realised that I was confronted with an obstacle I didn't know how to overcome. No matter what I did, every time I tried to overtake someone on the left I would think I saw something jump in front of my bike and pull the breaks instinctively.
When I told my friends about it and concluded that I wouldn't make it to the Inter-High in our final high school year because of this, they didn't accept my resignation however, telling me to focus on overtaking on the right. Yasutomo even declared that he would train with me and while Juichi and Jinpachi tagged along and I appreciated their support, it meant the most to me that it had been Yasutomo's idea in the first place.
I will never forget how Juichi put his hand on my back, ready to push me forward; how Jinpachi touched my helmet encouragingly; I will never forget how Yasutomo pulled at the lower lid of his eye before all three of them sent me to race ahead of them. I had to smile at Yasutomo being the only one of my friends to not touch me. Just like I had long guessed by then he really isn't one for reaching out to people or particularly good at showing sincere support in a way that could be considered "standard". But that was alright, I thought, it was more than alright.
.: :.
A bit over a year had passed since our eat when I approached Yasutomo again. I still wasn't sure what I was hoping to come from it, I was acting solely out of curiosity. After all I liked testing people and their limits and what point was there to it if I didn't sometimes push myself as well. It was another experiment I guess.
What had happened on that one evening in the club room during our second year hadn't had any effect on our interactions. Yasutomo hadn't made any effort to distance himself and neither had I shied away. Now we were in our final year at Hakone Academy and had officially retired from the biking club to focus on our studies and the preparation for the entrance exams for university.
We were sitting across of each other at one of the tables in the local diner and trying to be good students doing their extra homework. Yasutomo never lasted long in the library, because he started to groan and complain about the exercises after a short period of brooding over them. At least in the diner he could drink his beloved Bepsi and no one told him to leave if he didn't quiet down. I always tried to help him out as much as possible, though it seemed Yasutomo's pride often didn't allow for that. With Juichi that would be another matter, but Juichi was still in class that day (and besides, he wasn't very good at explaining).
"You know," I began, watching as Yasutomo grimaced at the textbook containing the assignment he was trying to work on, "we never talked about our eat last year."
It was a way to test the waters by diving right into the current. If I was going to start off with some vague statements, I might as well not bring up the topic at all. Besides, Yasutomo doesn't like having to glue things together with only some obscure hints to go on.
"Huh?" he looked up from his homework and eyed me sceptically. "It's been a year, why the hell are you bringing that up now?"
I smiled, satisfied that Yasutomo was being rather accommodative for his standards instead of telling me to shut up or stop bothering him with this.
"We both rode in the Inter-High and officially retired from the biking club," I explained without hesitating or stammering in search for words. "With that out of the way I felt I shouldn't postpone this conversation any longer."
That wasn't exactly the truth. Up until then I'd just been too preoccupied with other things to consider bringing up this topic. But I still struggled to understand my feelings myself, I didn't have to confuse Yasutomo with my reasons.
"What?" He frowned and scratched his head. "You wanted to talk about it all this time, but did not because of the Inter-High and club activities?"
I didn't bother to correct his assessment. Like I said, it was complicated and I didn't think it would make much of a difference to him anyway. However I found myself thinking that Yasutomo remained surprisingly calm despite discussing a topic which couldn't be too pleasant for him, considering his reaction to the eat.
"Preparing for the Inter-High was important," I pointed out as if it were a given. "It didn't seem like the time to think of this kind of thing." Which was why had forgotten about it, probably.
"Are you saying preparing for university is not as important?" Yasutomo questioned, still sounding unconvinced by the supposed logic in my reasoning.
It didn't seem like he was trying to make a point about studying being important — that would be really unlike him — but rather like he was hinting at the inconsistency of my priorities. I went with it, because by now pulling back and trying to explain the truth would surely cause more confusion and only sidetrack the conversation.
"Mhhhh." It was neither denial nor confirmation and my smile probably didn't help with determining what I was suggesting. Neither option was matching my intentions, so I didn't want to decide on either of them.
"Tch." Yasutomo realised he wasn't getting anything more from me than that and it was enough to raise his general level of annoyance. "What's there to talk about anyway?"
That was a good question. How did people go about this kind of thing? If there was some kind of procedure which was universally acknowledged, then I hadn't been informed of it.
"I think we should clarify a few things between us," I declared bluntly. There was no point in beating around the bush now.
"Clarify?" Yasutomo echoed. He seemed to acknowledge that I was being serious about this, however, since he didn't get mad at me for bringing up such a weird topic.
"We've been hanging out and getting along these past two years. It's been good, has it not?" he commented rather sheepishly. His voice got quieter as he glanced to the side and added: "Don't make it sound like something's not right about that."
My smile widened at his evasiveness. It was cute, the way he seemed almost embarrassed by admitting that he liked to spend time with anyone — even if it was only indirectly.
"I'm not saying that something's wrong with the way things have been so far," I assured him. Feeling like I had found my footing in the conversation, I made an attempt to convey the mess of thoughts in my head: "I'm saying that I want to spend more time with you. I want the privilege of being closer to you than anyone else and the privilege of staying with you when everyone else has long gone home."
The expression on Yasutomo's face looked positively terrified. As I had thought bringing up the idea of a committed relationship wasn't something he could stomach easily. Quite possibly it was something completely alien to him. Yasutomo never really reached out to people — whether that was because he didn't want to or because he didn't know how, being closer to someone beyond anything casual was surely something he wasn't used to. Admittedly, I was entering unknown territory myself.
"I don't mean to push you," I offered to ease some of the tension I sensed building up. "I just want to know if you could see things between us ever go in that kind of direction — because if not then I'm clearly wasting my time wishing for it, am I not?"
For a moment neither of us spoke, but Yasutomo had narrowed his eyes as if he was suspicious and didn't trust the words he had just heard.
"Why do you want that kind of thing with me of all people anyway?" he asked eventually.
I offered a shrug, a little surprised that he brought up this point of all things. I knew I had no satisfying answer to that. Besides I didn't think that was the most important thing and I intended to convince Yasutomo of that if necessary.
"Who can ever really explain why they feel how they feel?" I replied with a theoretical question.
There was another pause in which Yasutomo at least seemed to consider my words. It felt like this was going better than I would've ever anticipated — no matter the actual outcome.
"I told you what I want," I concluded, not willing to let this chance slip through my fingers now that I finally had initiated this conversation. The smile faded from my face as I prepared to ask the next question which I was very serious about. "But what about you? What do you want?"
A sigh escaped Yasutomo's lips as his gaze wandered down towards the table. "I...don't know," he grumbled, sounding almost defeated by his uncertainty.
That wasn't a straightforward way of turning someone down — which was an eventuality I had been trying to prepare myself for. This alone was enough reason for me to dare to hope that I might have a chance, if only a little.
Leaning forward across the table, I offered in a soft voice: "Should we try and find out together?"
It sounded about right. Both of us had no experience with this kind of thing, but that shouldn't stop us from trying to figure something out that could work for us — if he wanted to, that was.
Yasutomo rested his head on the textbook which lay open in front of him and let out a muffled groan.
"I don't know." The way he dragged out the last word made him sound almost exasperated.
I let him be for now. Pushing Yasutomo could be a good thing, but pushing him too far spelled disaster and that was really not what I was aiming for here. He was enough out of is element as it was, if I attempted to corner him now, I was certain he would lash out.
It took him a moment, but when Yasutomo sat back up, he had found his composure again. The traces of uncertainty had vanished from his face.
"Actually," he declared with definition, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
He took a sip from his glass of Bepsi and returned his attention to the textbook in front of him.
I sighed in defeat. It felt like I had gotten so close and yet I was still so far. I let him have his way without arguing. I knew it was equivalent to trying to break through a stone wall if I continued with the topic. This was something that had to be given time, I told myself. Maybe Yasutomo just needed a while to get used to the thought that I was interested in him like that, before he was able to decide whether he wanted to give it a try with me or not. I couldn't call myself his friend or ask to be anyone important in his life if I was unable to respect that.
.: :.
So I let things continue as they were and Yasutomo in turn thanked me by not avoiding me — at least that's how I interpreted it. Since we no longer had practice we used the free time to hang out with Juichi and Jinpachi and even managed to get some actual studying done during those hours.
It was weird how the four of us had kind of found together. None of the other club members from our year had ever managed to become part of our group, even when trying. Yasutomo was probably a main factor in that, because apart from Juichi, Jinpachi and me none of the people who had approached us over time were able to put up with him for long.
That we all ended up riding in the Inter-High together felt more like a coincidence to me or at least was unrelated to the bonds we had formed during our time at the biking club. It went without saying that we kept spending time with each other even when we no longer could ride our road racers — not officially anyway.
We missed racing, all four of us. Sometimes when we got sick of studying we would head out on our road racers and catch some fresh air for as long as the sun still gave off some warmth and the weather remained mostly dry. Jinpachi developed a tendency to get really sentimental during those rides and would drag out all kinds of shared memories we had of our years in the biking club. That of course irritated Yasutomo and he threatened that we would leave Jinpachi behind next time if he didn't shut up.
I on the other hand found myself enjoying his stories even though Jinpachi included many moments neither of us apart from him were able to remember. (Chances were that besides him none of us had been present during some of the events Jinpachi was talking about.) Juichi said little, as usual. Though he did ask Yasutomo to leave Jinpachi to his stories on a few occasions. Maybe even he could be inspired to become nostalgic sometimes — even if it was rare.
.: :.
Jinpachi was also the one talking most about going to university and wanting to discuss where everyone was intending to go. It was actually through him that Juichi and I realised we were both aiming for Meisō University. That wasn't very surprising, however, because it was said to have the best biking club of all universities in the country. Jinpachi made a comment about how we probably had entered into an agreement to go to university together. I told him that wasn't the case, though I was sure it was pointless. Once Jinpachi has an idea stuck in his head, he will insist on it being a fact whether that's true or not.
Yasutomo was the only one who refused to disclose what plans he had after graduating. This only had Jinpachi be more determined about trying to pry it out of him. He kept suggesting that Yasutomo should go to Meisō with Juichi and me. It would only make sense for him to stick with Juichi, according to Jinpachi at least. Yasutomo neither approved nor disapproved of the idea, he just told him to shut up — naturally.
.: :.
All this talk about graduating and going to university had me starting to worry, actually. It made me realise that there might be a time coming where I wouldn't have Yasutomo in my near vicinity and these might be very well the last few months we would be able to spend this much time together. What if graduation day came around and I still hadn't gotten an answer from Yasutomo? Should I have asked him sooner? Had I wasted too much time on waiting? Was I wasting time right now by acting like nothing was going on when I just really wanted to know if I even had a chance to be with him or not?
The uncertainty was worse than being turned down. Being invested in this was something I wasn't used to and there were times I was struggling with it. I realised I was stuck, hung up on Yasutomo and I probably would be unable to move on if I never knew for sure that hoping for anything to happen between us was completely pointless. Yet I didn't have it in me to ask him about it again. Simply the thought of pressuring Yasutomo for a decision so I could get some peace of mind (hopefully) made me feel bad — worse than not knowing his answer.
.: :.
It was one of those rare autumn days the sun succeeded in remaining mostly uncovered by the clouds. I had found myself a bench from where I could watch a part of the course the biking club was using for training that day. How Yasutomo found me, I couldn't say. He was quiet as he sat down next to me, almost unusually so. There was no greeting from him, so I didn't say hello either. For a while we just watched the road racers passing on the street in front of us.
"You know that thing you wanted to discussed a while back?" Yasutomo began without any lead-in.
Of course I knew. It was on my mind so often it had started to feel ridiculous to me. I shot him a quick glance and offered a simple "yes" in reply.
"I've been thinking about it…a lot," he admitted hesitantly. "I guess you could say I've been wracking my brain."
The way he brought this up was almost uncharacteristically for Yasutomo. I had rarely witnessed him sounding so calm and collected. It made him appear more serious than ever.
"I still don't know what I want," he pointed out. "Actually, what you were proposing sounded really terrifying to me." He scratched his nose, maybe to gain some more time to choose his next words. "I'm still new to this whole friendship thing, I know nothing about the kind of relationship you suggested or whether I even want to be part of anything like it."
"Yasutomo—" I turned towards him feeling the need to say something that could ease the discomfort he seemed to feel. After all, the points he brought up weren't completely unfamiliar to me.
"No, Shinkai— …Hayato," he interrupted me before I even could try and think of any words to offer him. "Let me finish."
I shut my mouth and obeyed. The fact that he had corrected himself when using my name had me baffled anyway. I had never witnessed him calling anyone by their given name before. It was almost alienating. Though I would be lying if I claimed it didn't spark a pleasant tingling in my stomach.
"I still don't know what I want," Yasutomo declared. "I'm still…scared of just the idea of what you were proposing." He clicked his tongue as if he was mad about having to say these things, but he continued nonetheless. "I don't know if I'm right for something like that."
I watched Yasutomo as he sat at the other end of the bench, uncharacteristically upright for his standards. He didn't look at me while talking. Maybe he had to convince himself that he was alone to get the words over his lips in the first place. I had no idea where exactly he was going with this — it might be that neither did he — but it didn't sound like he was turning me down, not exactly anyway. Though I could've been just a love struck idiot who clung to any thread of hope I could find.
"But…you said we could try and find out together," Yasutomo added finitely like it was his conclusion.
I couldn't quite believe what he'd said, so I had to ask: "Is that a yes?"
"It's a 'I'm willing to try it out'," he declared stubbornly, but that was more than enough.
I didn't even realise how the smile spread out over my face until he looked at me and muttered: "Don't look so pleased with yourself…"
"I can't help it, I'm just really happy," I offered.
Yasutomo pulled a face as if he was already regretting his decision, but he didn't tell me to forget about it after all.
We watched the road in front of us in silence for a moment. The main pack of the biking club had already passed while we had been talking so now there were only a few spare people riding by, trying to catch up.
"Just so you know," Yasutomo spoke up again, "I'm not the kind of guy to woo with flowers or some shit."
I looked at him, unable to get the smile off my face. I probably would've never thought of presenting him with anything like that. But I didn't care to mention that.
"Alright, no flowers," I acknowledge instead. "What else?"
He shot me a glance that didn't seem very friendly, but I was already used to him staring like that without actually being cross. It came with his character. Personally, I considered two options for this: either it was down to his general level of annoyance he couldn't seem to get rid of (or didn't want to get rid of, it was fine by me either way), or it was down to him not being very good at interacting with people and most of the time not even knowing what to make of them and their behaviour. I didn't let it intimidate me. In case of the latter I sometimes felt similarly about people though I chose amusement over annoyance.
"I thought that goes without saying," Yasutomo noted after a moment, "but just to be clear on this: don't ever eat me again."
"I figured something like that," I confirmed without much of a pause. "You also don't like touching, right?"
The look he gave me was surprised as if he wanted to ask how I knew.
"You never say anything, surprisingly," I explained myself, "but on the few occasions you're being touched you look particularly displeased — except during a race maybe where I'm guessing you're too focussed."
Maybe I caught him off guard, because Yasutomo didn't comment on the fact that I clearly had been paying more attention to him than what could be regarded as normal. Though it wasn't very surprising considering my interest in him.
"I can't help it, touching is weird for me." He was pouting as if he felt the need to defend himself while feeling like he was in the wrong.
"It's alright," I assured him. "I'll keep it in mind."
We returned to sitting on the bench in mutual silence. By now, every last member of Hakone Academy's biking club had passed us, so the street in front of us remained empty. The only sound that could be heard was the wind rustling through the autumn leaves.
I tried to savour the feeling of calm bliss which had taken hold of me. It was elevating to know that Yasutomo now was my… well, what exactly was he? The first word that came to mind was "boyfriend", but it didn't feel right. Maybe if it was anyone else, but certainly not Yasutomo. I tried to think of another word, but came up blank. It wasn't really important though, I told myself. In time, there might come a word that would stick, but till then he was simply Yasutomo to me — there was no need to refer to him otherwise.
"So, what exactly is going to change now?" Yasutomo asked rather sheepishly for his standards. This all had to be completely new to him. I briefly wondered if it scared him and was surprised I myself felt so calm about this development.
"I'm not sure," I offered honestly. "Probably nothing for now."
"Huh?" His voice flared up in irritation. "Then why are you making such a fuss about this?"
I was willing to bet that he was actually just confused by this whole situation and tried to mask it with his usual mood-swings of anger and annoyance. It didn't faze me in the slightest. I scooted closer to him on the bench and draped my arm on the backrest as I turned towards him.
"So that we both know something can change — and will change when we feel ready for it," I explained softly.
Yasutomo looked like he had bitten into something really sour. Being up so close made me realise just how much I loved the expressiveness of his face.
"This relationship stuff is such a hassle," he complained and I couldn't really argue with that.
.: :.
"Relationship stuff" — that's what Yasutomo kept calling it on the occasions we discussed how things were going between us. He never failed to say it dismissively, as if it was an annoying plague he was forced to put up with. But even when I told him that he could opt out of it at any time, he did not pull back.
I wasn't sure if he actually felt like wanting to be with me in a way different from being friends, or if it was mostly curiosity on his part and him testing out how it was to have someone be interested in him this much. I didn't ask. Even if he knew the answer to that, it was another matter whether he could actually tell me. I had firsthand experience with how hard these things could be to figure out. For my part I was simply content to get to spend more time with him than anyone else.
.: :.
I did my best to ease him into things, because I could imagine this was all completely new to him and he would need a lot of time to get used to it. Besides I didn't want to rush anything for my own sake. I began to increase the time we spent together for studying while neither Juichi nor Jinpachi were around. (We decided to tell neither of them about the thing with us before we even knew what it even was. Besides, Jinpachi could be expected to make a fuss — something I wasn't keen on and Yasutomo even less so.)
I made a habit of visiting Yasutomo in his room and told him to kick me out whenever he got sick of me. That was my way of trying to ensure that he was as comfortable with the situation as possible. At first he didn't last long before exclaiming something like "this is stupid!" and telling me to go. But as the days passed he would let me stay longer.
Talking wasn't that much of a thing for us. Neither of us is really the type to share personal matters. I considered to try it eventually, but back then it was still too soon. We mostly discussed school assignments or minor things that had occurred. I once brought up the matter of university, but Yasutomo still didn't want to talk about it, so I let it go immediately. When there was nothing to say we didn't force it. Silence wasn't uncomfortable for us.
.: :.
"Have you done anything like this before?" Yasutomo asked me one night in the middle of working on an essay his class had been assigned with. "You know, this relationship stuff."
I looked up from my history notes I was trying to memorise for an upcoming quiz. I had my back propped against the bed frame where I had made myself comfortable. Yasutomo was sitting on his desk, holding the pen really close to his mouth. I knew about his tendency to chew the end of the pens he was using when in thought.
"No," I told him, not questioning where that thought was coming from, "though I ate a girl in middle school."
I was not surprised when he commented: "Gross!"
"Some people do enjoy eating, you know," I pointed out in amusement.
"Teh! Suit yourself," Yasutomo exclaimed.
With that I thought the topic was through and returned my attention to my studies. But only after a short moment he spoke again.
"How was it then?"
"Mh?" I questioned, not following his train of thought.
"The eat," Yasutomo clarified. "I'm asking you how the eat was."
"Oh, you're curious?" I teased him, amused that he showed interest. That however was enough to annoy him and tell me to shut up.
"Alright," I relented, because now that he brought it up I wasn't going to drop the topic so easily.
"Mhh, let's see…" I tried to recall the moment which lay already a few years back and thus had begun to fade from my memory. "It was exciting, I'd say — and nice," I did my best to describe it, based on what little I could dig up. "I was fourteen, you know. …actually I don't remember that much," I admitted.
"You don't remember?" Yasutomo repeated, his tone coming off a little accusing. "Isn't that the kind of thing you're supposed to still know when you're old and grey or something?"
I chuckled. To me that sounded like he wasted more time thinking about this kind of thing than I would've guessed. It seemed like he didn't understand it, but he was trying and now that we had crossed the border to talking about this "relationship stuff" I was his go-to-person who was supposed to help him with making sense of it, I guessed.
"I don't know if it always works out like that," I admitted, because I really had no experience with it. "In my case I don't even recall her name."
There was a moment of silence in which Yasutomo seemed to ponder my words.
"Sounds like a waste," he finally commented.
Hearing his thoughts on this was delightful to me. I didn't agree with him — as so often our mindsets and ways of seeing things differed — and saying I really understood where he was coming from would be a lie. But to me it made sense for him to think like that. It was just so like him.
"Would you believe me if I told you that she approached me?" I inquired, making a good guess at what his response would be.
"No way!" he exclaimed, sounding almost sarcastic. "You didn't corner her alone and just went for it?!"
I didn't fail to notice his jibe at how I had caught him off guard with my eat. He had a point, I had to admit, and I took it in good humour.
"I know, it's shocking," I played into the joke, assuming a playfully scandalised tone.
"And there I thought you were a maneater," he retorted. "Or a womaniser? What's your preference anyway?"
I cocked my head at the question and smiled mysteriously as if I knew a secret I would never share. The fact that he of all people was asking me about something like this had me greatly amused.
"No preference," I informed him then.
"Mhh," Yasutomo concluded. "Lucky for that girl then that you're not very picky."
The way he phrased that made me a little suspicious. It almost sounded like he was degrading the meaning he had to me and the unique development in our situation. After all I felt like I was very picky. For none of the people who had shown interest in me had I been able to develop any similar feelings.
"Actually, she wasn't very lucky," I explained. "Though I was curious about the eat and sort of liked, she wasn't someone I wanted to repeat that kind of thing with, so I turned her down."
Yasutomo pondered my words for a moment.
"And that really was your only eat?" he wanted to know then, sounding sceptical.
"Yeah," I confirmed. "I had one or two more serious crushes, but I was never one to initiate anything — as unbelievable as that might sound to you." He clicked his tongue dismissively. "And since no one else approached me it was just that one eat with that one girl whose name I can't remember."
His only comment was looking at me over his shoulder with raised eyebrows. The pen had made its way between his teeth and he was barely holding on to it with is hand.
"She was cute though," I added.
"Cute?" Yasutomo raised his voice as he pronounced the first syllable a little stronger than necessary. The pen almost slipped through his fingers when he opened his mouth and his teeth released their hold on it.
"Tze! I hope you don't ever call me that," he exclaimed, turning back to his homework.
That had me curious. "Why? What's wrong with cute?"
"I don't know," he shrugged. "I just don't like it."
It wasn't an explanation, but maybe there was no satisfactory answer to my question. Either way, I put it on my mental list of "Things not to do to/with/around Yasutomo". I didn't tell him about the things I thought were cute about him and I decided that if I ever brought up any of them I would make sure to avoid the word "cute". There were other ways to put it.
.: :.
By the time winter was undeniably approaching I had gained the privilege of lying in his bed. Our evenings had started to grow long, since I had no reason to leave unless Yasutomo told me to go and he'd become incredibly neglecting in doing so. We didn't always have the same amount of homework and when Yasutomo got serious about getting an assignment done right — and he could do that (in fact I had the feeling he'd gotten a lot more dedicated to it over the past few months) — he definitely took longer than me who often decided to just bullshit things. Then I would get comfortable on his bed while he ruffled his hair over his textbooks. (He still wouldn't let me help him, though maybe that was for the best.)
At first I was just exchanging the floor with his mattress to read when I was done with my homework and needed a change of position. Sometimes I would just watch Yasutomo as he was brooding over his assignments, though I tried to keep that to a minimum. The last thing I wanted was to make him uncomfortable with my staring.
One night it got extremely late, however. I had nothing to do and was starting to feel tired, yet I didn't want to leave. So I stretched out on his bed and enjoyed the relative silence in the room while Yasutomo muttered to himself about something. When he had finished his assignments and noticed me lying there, he paused and stared at me with this weird expression, as if he didn't quite know what to think of my behaviour.
He couldn't understand it, that much became apparent. He even demanded that I should've told him if I was tired and wanted to leave. The fact that I hadn't wanted to leave at all puzzled him. The end of it was that he left me to it and declared that he didn't mind as long as I did it only while he wasn't in his bed. I didn't feel like I could complain. I got to delve in his smell and get a sense of closeness while also maintaining the physical distance between us which he needed to be comfortable with the situation. (He didn't fail to comment on me sniffing his sheets, but seemed a lot less confused about it for some reason.)
.: :.
I didn't notice how physical I can get with other people until spending more time with Yasutomo. At first I had thought it would be easy for me to respect his boundaries and avoid touching him. Yet I kept catching myself how I reached out for him. Sometimes I notice just in time to pull back, other times my hand was already on his shoulder before I realised it. I would apologise every time and he would say nothing. I assumed he was alright with it, as long as I was aware that I had crossed his boundaries and did my best to avoid touching him.
When I brought this up once to confirm I wasn't misinterpreting the situation, he told me not to sweat it. Are you worried I'm too shy to open my mouth if something bothers me? We both knew that he wasn't, so my conscience was at ease.
.: :.
As it got freezing outside, I could no longer ignore how close the end of the school year was. For the first time in my life I was worried about moving on. Generally I'm not the type to become sad about parting with school friends. I had not picked my university based on who of my friends might go there and I didn't intend to change anything about my choice. Still, chances were Yasutomo and I would part ways. Of course there were mobile phones and computers, so it wasn't hard to keep in touch. However, I would no longer be able to keep him company. I had become so used to being around him, I was sure I was going to miss it.
Jinpachi had developed this theory that Yasutomo was aiming for Meisō University as well and refused to talk about it, because he didn't want to admit that he was following Juichi around. I doubted things were like that, but it was one of those things Jinpachi wouldn't change his mind on, no matter how unfounded his assumption was. Normally I had no trouble pointing out his illusions and bringing him down to earth, but in this case I simply gave up. It felt too personal and I wasn't quite my usual calm self when it came to this matter.
"You're not headed for Meisō University, are you?" I concluded one night what I'd been guessing for a while.
The evening was already getting late and we were spending our time at leisure. I lay curled up on the mattress where I'd been mulling over the matter for a while before deciding to address it.
Yasutomo shot me a pointed glare from the end of the bed where he was sitting with his manga. As expected, he wasn't pleased that I was asking him about this. We had established that he didn't want to talk about it and yet here I was.
I pushed myself up from the mattress and sat down on the edge. "I know, you don't want to talk about this and you don't have to tell me what your plans are," I was quick to say. "It's just…," I broke off to decide how I could put into words what it was that troubled me.
"There are three months left until graduation," I explained then, looking at the carpet on the floor. I didn't think I could meet his eyes when trying to put those feelings into words which had been building up inside me over the weeks. "That's about as much time as we've been trying out this relationship stuff and I've gotten so used to this, used to being around you." It felt ridiculous no matter how i phrased it in my head, so I decided not to think too much about it and just say it out loud in the next best way. "I'm just thinking that I don't want to get used to being apart from you."
I could hear Yasutomo snap his manga shut and drop it to the floor. A sigh escaped his lips as if he was preparing to set someone straight. The sheets rustled as he scooped closer until he was sitting next to me. I turned my head towards him to find him looking right at me.
"What do you want me to say, Shinkai?" he asked me, sounding calm and not actually annoyed like the sigh had suggested. He seemed to honestly want to know.
I realised that I'd put him in a tough spot. By talking without thinking this through I had ended up being selfish. After all, what was I expecting by telling him this? That he would promise me we'd make it work somehow, that we'd stay together and spend as much time with each other as possible? Yasutomo couldn't do that, he wasn't like that.
"I don't think there's anything you can say," I admitted with that realisation. The guilt I felt had me avoid his gaze once more and regard my hands in my lap as I mumbled: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up."
"Oi, Hayato."
At the sound of my name I made myself face him again. It was rare for Yasutomo to switch to calling me by my given name. At first I had thought he was trying out how it sounded and fell back to calling me Shinkai every time, because addressing me by any other name felt too weird to him. By now, however, I had noticed that the situations in which he used Hayato were really specific. It always seemed related to him trying earnestly to deal with the feelings I dragged up occasionally, despite him not being good at that.
"You're so carefree most of the time, but when you worry it's about the most ridiculous things," Yasutomo scolded me. "Don't tell me you're going to fall apart because you won't be able to sniff my bed sheets anymore."
I smiled faintly, but let my head hang. I felt a little embarrassed about getting so worked up over graduating high school and what it might mean for our relationship. I had never been in a situation like this before and barely recognised myself when I was being this way.
Yasutomo gave another sigh. "You're really a handful sometimes," he complained quietly.
I had no time to apologise before the arm reluctantly getting wrapped around my shoulders caught me off guard. Yasutomo pulled me in so I could rest my forehead against his neck. I could feel the tension in his body, but he held me close despite it.
"What are you doing?" I wondered out loud.
"I'm giving you a comfort hug, shut up!" Yasutomo declared. "Unless this isn't comforting for you, because then I can stop immediately."
I wouldn't have been able stop the smile spreading on my face even if I had wanted to. He was warm and closer to me than he had ever been before. His touch helped put me at ease.
"No, please don't stop," I asked softly. "It's really comforting."
"Just don't get used to it," he snapped, but the sharp edge was missing from his tone.
"I won't," I promised.
I knew this was going to be an exception. That alone made me treasure it so much more. I wrapped my arms around his back and buried my face in the crook of his neck. He made an annoyed sound, but he let it happen without voicing any protest. My intention was to stay like that for as long as he let me.
That was the only time in our high school life Yasutomo let me this close willingly. (I'm not counting our eat, because he hadn't been the one to initiate it.) When I told him how much I appreciated it — especially considering how it was something clearly outside his comfort zone — he prohibited me from thanking him.
.: :.
I got better with remembering his boundaries before my instincts had me act without thinking. Whenever I felt the urge to reach out for him or wished to touch him I would pull at my lower eyelid. It was mirroring the face he had made at me when he had been training with me for the Inter-High. It reminded me of his support back then when I had been willing to give up on making it to into the team and it struck me as a nice sentiment.
Yasutomo didn't fail to notice it and wanted to know once why I was grimacing at him sometimes. When I explained the meaning behind it, he claimed not to remember ever pulling that face at me. It was up to me to guess whether that was true or if he just tried to deflect the emotional load that came with acknowledging my gesture. He sighed in exasperation as if I was a burden for him to bear and dropped the topic. From then on whenever he caught me in the act of pulling that face, he would frown or look away as if I was being too ridiculous for him to deal with. It may have been my ego that had me think he secretly liked it.
.: :.
The air was filled with excitement on graduation day, but it also felt surreal. Suddenly our time at high school was over. Three years of our lives seemed to have passed us so quickly. Goodbyes were being said throughout the crowd of graduates, promises made to stay in touch. I was guessing that most who had made these kind of declarations at the end of middle school had been unable to stick to them and would fail yet again as they moved on from high school. Sometimes people never learn. The same goes for me.
"I'll write you," I informed Yasutomo, leaving no option to argue.
"You do that," he responded. Any note on whether he would write back was probably too much to ask of him. It didn't worry me.
We made no fuss about parting and seeing us for what would possibly be the last time in quite a while. I didn't ask him about seeing other people should we happen to meet someone in university or wherever we ended up from now on. Somehow I doubted developing such feelings for someone was even a possibility worth considering to Yasutomo and I myself was too focused on him to imagine I could fall for anyone else.
.: :.
The final day before the four of us would pick up our packed bags and head home, Jinpachi, Juichi, Yasutomo and I made one last trip to the local diner we'd frequented so often during our high school years. Jinpachi dragged up the nostalgia again and we let him. Yasutomo sat beside me and I took the liberty of letting our hands brush a few times. He didn't play into it, but neither did he pull away or complain.
I had grown to fear this day when we would leave Hakone Academy. But while we were sitting there together in our final moments before departure I realised that it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. This wasn't the end after all, it was merely a change of the landscape. Just because I couldn't climb a hill with high speed didn't mean I couldn't climb it at all.
"Look ahead," Yasutomo told me that day, right before we parted ways. "You can't ride fast on a bike if you don't look ahead."
I hadn't brought up my worries about things changing between us after graduation since the first time we had discussed it. But apparently he still remembered.
"I won't accept you not being at your best when we race together again," he declared.
My surprise must've been evident on my face, because he added: "Yes, you've heard me right. We're going to race together again, even if it's as opponents. So you better prepare for that, I won't go easy on you."
A smile spread on my face as I realised what he was proposing.
"Don't worry," I assured him. "I won't go easy on you either.
He rolled his eyes when I pulled at my lower lid. This at least was something between us that wouldn't change any time soon.
.
.
.