Harry Potter woke up to find the sun streaming through the window faintly illuminating his room. He lay in bed trying to recall everything he had learned about magic over the past few years at Hogwarts and found his head completely empty of any knowledge or exciting thought. Dragging himself out of bed he studied the mirror on his dresser top before recognizing his own face.
Stretching and yawning loudly he walked down the hall to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, emptied his bladder and washed his face. With his morning ritual done he returned to his room and glanced at the calendar. It read July 31st, a date oddly familiar to him (its his birthday, don't tell him that me might memorize it.) On cue a bunch of owls flew into the room landing on his bed with parcels and envelopes tied to their legs. They stood on the quilt with expectant looks on their owl faces, Harry stared at them before raising his wand and casting the only spell he knew "Expelliamus." The packages and letters flew out of their talons and they flew off, screeching indignantly.
Turning his attention to their abandon wards, Harry was so pleasantly surprised to find presents and letters it made him forget his self-centered nature for a moment. Then he realized the weight of the world was on his shoulder and he decided it was best to mope about his responsibilities and hardships instead of trying for some self improvement.
The first letter was written by Hagrid the groundskeeper and care of magical creatures teacher. He had been the one to bring Harry to the wizarding world after giving Dudley, Harrys fat cousin, a pig tail. He had also tried to raise a dragon in his wooden hut, was sent to jail for a crime he didn't commit, and. . . well thats just a brief summary of Hagrid in case you have never ever read any of the previous books in this series. Harry smiled at the messy handwriting, you know, because finding humor in other people's failings is so great never mind helping others improve, least of all yourself. The letter read, Happi Birddey Herri, and included a box of rockcakes; large pebbles coated in frosting. These offerings he discarded as they did not meet his high standards.
The next letter was from Harry first best friend, Ron Weasley. He was the first wizard Harrys age that he made friends with he was funny, loyal, a bit of dunce, and totally done a disservice by J. (Harry wondered why he had a compulsive need to remember little facts of his friends personalities and history.) Harry's mind wandered to the Burrow, Ron's family home (why is his home called the Burrow, are they animals or something, like seriously, a burrow is a holed dug in the ground and inhabited by small mammalian rodents. Is it the play on the fact that they breed like rabbits? If so why not call it the shit hole, or poor peoples place? Or white trash heaven?) Harry felt kinda guilty about receiving the gift. Ron and Hermione always sent him birthday presents, but he never once considered giving them anything, why they never mentioned this failing of his as a person and friend is beyond us all. Shaking his head he stored this thought back in the deep recess of his mind where all truly cognitive and extrovert thoughts formed, withered and died.
He opened the accompanying box to find a homemade cake and assorted sweets ( I guess all the Weasley funds go towards ensuring Harry's access to sweets instead of new clothes or books for their children.) He plunged his fist into the cake and shoved the resulting handful into his face, smiling at his own gluttony.
The next letter came from his other best friend Hermione Granger, a muggleborn witch who was really smart and bossy. Harry was thankful for her because it meant he would never have to lift a finger to find information or read a book. She was like an encyclopaedia with a little bit of attitude, not too much because that would mean giving her some depth. Harry wondered about Hermione's parents; why they seemed to be conspicuously absent from her life, then he realized they must be unimportant because the only thing worth mentioning about them was their occupation and this only in passing. He looked at the book and floss she had sent him and laughed at the thought of self-improvement and personal hygiene.
Harry spent the next few days lying in bed his mind blank and empty, until something happened. What, I don't know but it helped establish drama and action so we shall allow it to proceed. Harry found himself at White Trash Heaven, his best friend Ron acting all embarrassed to be poor even after constant reassurance that it was a non-issue.
"Those events that brought you here sure where exciting, right Harry" asked Ron his cheeks puffed up from storing bits of bacon and nuts (would you look at that, I guess they are rodents.)
"Yeah" Said Harry more interested in how the drama and action affected him, his own thoughts, his own feelings, everyone else be damned!
"Haiii Harrrri!" Called Hermione who was thankfully present "I think it was very inappropriate for you to engage in that drama and action, let my display my displeasure by shooting you a dark look." She shot him a dark look that displayed her displeasure. Then her neck snapped downward, hair shooting out to form tendrils that pulled the closest book to her which she promptly devoured.
"MAH CHILDREN!" Bellowed Ms. Weasley, as she fended off infinitely more skilled and powerful witches and wizards using the scrugify spell to clean the dark spots on their souls and robes.
Eventually after some more mishaps that can only be fairly called information dumps our heroes find themselves on the Hogwarts express bound for liverpool. I mean Hogwarts.
Cue obligatory school rival/bully/enemy scene.
"Hello motherless kid, poor kid, and kid with different social and hereditary background that frightens me" said Draco Malfoy, flanked by a large teapot, and hunched gorilla.
"Shut up" Bellowed the motherless kid, the poor kid, and the kid with social and hereditary differences together. Outside in the corridor a huge group of kids hurled jinxes and hexes at the three kids, turning Draco into a teapot, the huge teapot into a gorilla, and the Gorilla into Gregory Goyle. That problem solved by a little schoolyard, er, train corridor justice(?), Harry and his friends proceeded to dump more information pertaining to plot devices that could appear later. Or not at all!
The trip ride ended when they pulled into Liverpool, er, Hogsmeade station. Harry was surprised to find no mishaps had occurred during the ride or after. He found out the reason why when he saw the carriages that pulled the students to the school, normally the yoke would appear empty, now he saw they were pulled by skeletal, winged horses.
"Wow" he said "what's up with those horse's Ron."
"I don't know what you're talking about, you must be bloody mental" Ron replied, because no one had ever told anyone what the carriages were being pulled by, ever, and thus the information was new and exciting when J. decided to dump it on us later. We can at least enjoy the angst and anger Harry felt as he considered that maybe he was crazy, you know, instead of asking anyone else or maybe even a teacher.
Entering the school we are treated to the usual exposition of Harry's feeling; its great to be back, this place is like a home to me, i can't believe it was all real, wow so i guess this place really is real, wow look at all the maaaagic, or wow the great hall ceiling looks just like the sky outside.
We proceed to the information dump that is the welcome back feast where kid's of little consequence are sorted into one of the school houses and a ghost fly's through Harry so we can all be reminded how unpleasant the experience is. Then Dumbledore stood, the plates of food vanish, and he begins to address the school.
"Goo-goo bars" he calls out in a loud commanding voice, a hush falls on the crowd and you can hear a house-elf having its rights oppressed.
"Welcome back to the another year of irresponsible faculty, a dangerous work environment, and no one giving a damn about you unless you are Harry Potter and Associates." This announcement is greeted by loud applause and shouts of joy. The great halls begins to hum in earnest as students describe their inconsequential summers and stuff. Harry and associates remain silent, their lot is far above the petty discussion of the surrounding mortals.
"Now" calls Dumbledore in a regal tone "The moment you have all been waiting for, I give to you this installments plot device."
A loud cry of excitement filled the hall as people break out in talk.
"Oh! I hope I can be included"
"Wow maybe Potter will notice me this year"
"Professor Dumbledore can I be a plot device"
"MAH CHILDREN!"
Then in front of the staff table appeared an ever changing object, the form and function meaningless; it could be anyone and anything so long as it advanced the plot along without regard to character development or any real plot.
"This year, its shall be. . ." Dumbledore paused as the object continued to shimer and shape itself before him taking on the form of a goblet, then a book, next a person, then in quick succession a small stone, a long wand and a semi-transparent cloak. For several minutes everyone in the hall waited with bated breath but it never took to a solid shape.
Dumbledore stood up and walked nervously up to the plot device. He studied it for a few moments poking it with his wand and finger. Then the only teachers that matter, professors Snape and McGonagall, stepped forward to discuss the issue with him in hushed tones.
"No Snape you own it too Lily"
"Dumbledore how could you"
"Detention, Dumbledore and McGonagall"
"Ten points from Slytherin"
"MAH CHILDREN!"
The discussion broke when Dumbledore waved away the two professors. He stood in front of the plot device, gazing around the hall. Then he spoke,
"It seems the plot device has decided not to surface, yes, even with all the information you all diligently dumping. I ask you all not to worry, we will see what the plot device plans for Potter and associates as the year unfolds."
Harry and associates stood from the table, their interest with the affairs of the lower order stretched thin as it was. The hall looked on in amazement at Harrys mask of aloofness(it's not), Ron's poverty(hes not that poor), and Hermiones maturity(shes really immature). Then Harry tripped over something, what, I don't know, maybe a plot device. Hot shame spread across his face as the hall erupted in laughter, he resolved on the spot to learn the anti-tripping charm(?). Harry found ridicule by peers and bullies to be good motivators nevermind legitimate reasons of self-improvement.
'-Events transpiring-'
What happens in classes? But. . .but that would mean creating a consistent universe with a fully realized set laws. I insist you, are asking for too much, instead, let me give you some ideas, but nothing determinate so you can't hold it to me later.
'-Events transpiring-'
Harry entered the charms classroom, his face grave and determined.
"Mr. Potter" Said Professor Flitwick exasperatedly "I must insist, there is no charm that prevents tripping." At this Harry smirked, he would try Remus Lupin or even Dumbledore, but he knew only one thing 'hell hath no fury like a self-centered idiot who fell on his face'
"Then i'll make one" He yelled as he turned on his heel, slamming the door behind him as he left the room.
'-Events transpiring-'
"MAH CHILDREN, I must protect them from themselves and others!"
'-Events transpired-'
Voldemort stood across the hall/field/graveyard/forest clearing/melodramatic location, surrounded by his most loyal of Death Eaters/friends(lol not)/servants/allies/imperiused allies/blackmailed allies/enemies kept closer than friends. Harry stood apart and ahead of his friends/allies/acquaintances/frenemies/distant relations.
"Plot devices won't save you now Potter" Hissed Voldemort his red eyes flashing with malice and slit nostrils flared. Harry gripped his wand tightly, Voldemort had a point, the plot device hadn't made a move yet, could actual plot and character development be on the way? He hoped not,certainly, it would mean a lot of work on his part.
He raised his wand to use the only spell he knew expelliarmus/protego/reductor/expecto patronum/stupify/aguamenti/anti-tripping charm(I think that covers his diverse and respectable selection.) Voldemort laughed in his high pitched voice, he raised his wand to cast avada kedavra/crucio/imperio(an even more impressive collection.)
The two spells flew toward their intended targets from the across the (...). When suddenly a wild plot device appeared. 'Thank god', thought Harry, he was afraid there would be plot or character development. The plot device had absorbed both spell and now floated in a state of limbo shapeshift constantly, until finally absolving itself into the shape of Albus Dumbledore (who had died earlier, if you were paying attention you would know it occurred when the events transpired.)
"Harry, Oh Harry" The projection said smiling warmly, "You. . . did something I guess, you know, like you were prepared to sacrifice yourself, I mean, I say it like you even had a choice to make."
"What?" asked Harry thoroughly confused and hoping there wouldn't be surprise character development.
"You must let Voldemort Kill you Harry, it's the only way . .. um yeah. . .you let him kill you, but you won't die. . .and then. . .you can kill him when you come back from being dead, but not dead. . ." he trailed off his eyes glazed over from the effort of trying to force in plot and character development.
"Oh yes" He continued "Because of the fellowship of the wands, and . . . the return of the horcruxes also the two towers of lord of the ring references." He nodded as if content with his explanation. Harry on the other hand stared back with glazed eye 'please no character development, pleaseeeee' he screamed into his skull.
"I can hear you" yelled Voldemort as he stroked his snake lovingly (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Dumbledore looked at the glazed expression on Harry's face then the look of total concentration and pleasure on Voldemorts.
"These are not the plot devices you are looking for" He said his hands waving mystically before him. Voldemort ignored him, continuing to help his long, scaled reptile shed its old skin.
"Ew" he said(more at the description if anything else) his face drawn up in a scowl, but his eyes twinkled brightly. He returned those eyes to Harry a hopeful expression on his face, but he was met with only a look of disgust and shock. With a sigh he frowned in disappointment. Then he brightened up with sudden inspiration.
"Fuck it" he yelled as he flew towards Harry, shapeshifting into a colt. 45. Harry caught the gun with the unending skill of the seeker, then took aim with the unnerving skill of an army trained sniper.
"Feeling lucky, punk" He roared as he pulled the trigger, the bullet soared through the air piercing Voldemorts forehead. He fell over, hands still gripping his penis, and died. Harry spent the next few seconds emptying the remaining bullets into the Voldemort's body.
"Best plot device ever" he yelled gleefully.
"MAH CHILDREN!" echoed across the (...), followed by a voice bellowing "Scrugify"
"NO, my stained and darkened robes" Yelled a raspy voice.
"Not to mention my soul" Yelled another.
'-Plot resolution-'
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat somewhere nondescript. Ron and Hermione both listened with rapt attention as Harry described the nights events. Closure is very important to their friendship, but not any sort of bonding or relationship building.
'-Plot resolution-'
Harry walked across the great hall his stride long and powerful, his head held high and back straight. He neared the large doors to the entrance hall, all eyes fixed on him with breath held in held in apprehension. Reaching the large doors the spun around on him heels arms held out at his sides. For a split second the silence continued only to broken by cheers and calls of shock and amazement.
He had done it, he had walked across the great hall without so much as losing his footing. He could feel warmth filling his heart as the four tables emptied all the students rushing forward to offer congratulations, and bear him around on their shoulders. At the staff table he could see the plot device(now having replaced Dumbledore) smiling broadly. A faint smile flickered on McGonagall's lips and Snape himself gave an almost imperceptible nod of approval.
Victory he thought proudly to himself, his greatest ever to come or ever be(hey what do you know, we at least overcame some challenges, no matter how silly and childish.)
'-Plot resolution-'
"MAH CHILDREN, are intelligent enough to make mature decisions regarding their own safety and life direction."
'-Plot resolved-'