So, another SS/HG fic from me. Please read this as the silly parody it is! If you don't like the style of a drugged up thirteen year old (as if they would do that... and be fans of HP...) then don't read on. If you do... Well, welcome to the madness:D Rating for language further on in the fic.

It's not as if Snape would swear... Much. Muchos gracias to my darling sister for betaing, and my fiancé for laughing at me (yes, at me, you read right), and making sure I was as deranged as I sound as I write. W00t to them. The mistakes are there for "comic" effect.

Anyways, enjoy! And review. Hell, you'd probs wanna flame. Let's just make it constructive criticism.

Thirteen Year Old Slapstick... Of Sexiness

Once upon a time, there was a totally funky, yet totally bastardy, professor called Severus Snape. He was the Head of Slytherin, which meant his soul belonged to the devil. Severus didn't know this. He thought, as all funky, bastardy professors did, that his soul belonged to the headmaster, who, in this fic, was the sweet toting, sherbet lemon eating, crazy (with a motive) looking Albus Dumbledore.

Dumbledore, on one of his sugar highs, decided that Hermione Granger was, "A groovy enough chick to help Sevvie Wevvie with his potions." Dumbledore, if you can't tell, was, "As high as a kite, baby, high as a kite."

So Hermione has to help "Sevvie Wevvie" make a potion to really kill "Voldie Woldie" dead... After Harry killed his soul (here, Dumbledore laughed evily).

"What are you doing here in my safety blanket of Potiony evilness?" Snape gasped as he entered, quite naked, into his personal lab filled with Hermione.

"Dumbledore wanted me to help "Sevvie Wevvie" kill "Voldie Woldie"... Where are your robes?" came her reply.

"Don't ask impertinent questions you naked wench... Where are your clothes?"

Hermione screamed. "Ah! I'm naked in front of my lust bunny and he's getting turned on by my ugly nakedness of doom!"

Snape walked over, hard-on not hampering his movements, and placed his hands on her cheeks, cause he's like totally romantic. "Hermione you're not ugly--"

"But I haven't shaved in weeks!"

"You're hairy, but you're not ugly. I mean, you got me randy without touching me, and I'm in my late forties! Dude, that is pretty amazing!" And, to make sure she understood that, he snogged her, hard.

"Wow, I didn't even know that you fancied me!"

"How couldn't I fancy you Severus? You're so tall and handsome and mysterious. And your body is so yummy!"

"And it's all yours."

"Really? Even...?" She touched his you know what and it twitched.

He grabbed her wrist, making her gasp. "Yes, even my Slytherin Snake... And it wants to meet your Gryffindor Lion..." He touched a nipple gently and she gasped.

"Oh Severus! You turn me on so much! Make me yours!"

Severus sat her on the bench and pushed his 'snake' into her 'lion', making her gasp. "Oh my God Severus. You're so big and amazing!"

He grinned in a smug fashion and started moving.

They came, together, on his fourth thrust.

"Wow Severus! That was amazing! I love you so much!"

"And I love you too!"

Nine Months Later

"Congratulations Professor Snape! You have two baby girls! They're twins and they look identical, with black hair and chocolate brown eyes!"

With a scream, Severus bolted up from his bed. "What the buggery fuck was that?"

Next to him, a knot of curly hair turned to him. "Go back to sleep Severus. It was just a nightmare."

"But you kept calling me "Sevvie Wevvie" and Voldermore "Voldie Woldie"..."

"And?"

"We had really crap sex in my personal lab... And you had twins that had my hair!"

Groaning, Hermione sat up and stared him in the eye. "Severus, we have work in the morning. I have Charms with eleven year olds first thing in the morning. Now shut your mouth, lie down and go to sleep."

Smiling, he kissed her gently. "I love it when you get all commanding Mrs Snape."

"Professor, and don't you forget it!" she mumbled, before lying down. "You know... As we're both awake..."

He grinned, hungrily. "You read my mind!" And they both fell back to sleep, without any crazy nightmares.

Review. I order it.