Frogs and Flowers

The company had been traveling for a few days now far into the woods, Bilbo had spent many days complaining about the lack of hankies and the infrequency and size of meals, which on a point all the dwarfs had to agree. Meals were rather infrequent and they were rather small. Of course Bofur's cooking did not help matters much. Sure he could make a good meal but after a while it became tiresome having to eat the same meal over and over again no matter how many names Bofur elected to call it.

"Don't tell me we're having mushroom stew again", Bombur grumbled as he poked at the contents of Bofur's thick, brown, unwelcoming stew, "We had it yesterday". Bofur looked up from his own bowl of stew and looked pointedly at Bombur.

"For your information it is bourgeon braise which is a completely different dish to that of which I have made before for starters the liquid is not as thick", the dwarf said expertly as he downed a small mouthful of ale. Bilbo was too polite to say anything but he was sure that bourgeon braise was a fancy name for fungus stroganoff, chunky toadstool soup and ultimately the dreaded mushroom stew. Still no matter what it was or how often he had eaten it Bilbo had long decided that the stew was better than nothing after all without his elevenses or second breakfast a hobbit had to eat at some point in time. Thorin looked expressionlessly at his food as Gandalf told his nephews tales of the olden days.

"Then whoosh", the wizard said waving his hands dramatically at a captivated audience, "He was turned into a slug, a sure lesson learnt that one should never challenge a wizard to a duel". Fili laughed loudly as Gandalf made a small bow for effect.

"Another", Kili laughed, "Please Gandalf another". The wizard glanced at Thorin who had set his empty bowl aside so that he may start smoking his pipe. Bilbo looked jealously at the smoke rings that the dwarf king blew, they by far outmatched any ring of smoke he had blown throughout his lifetime.

"I best think it is time to be getting on", Gandalf said to the two youngest members of the company, "We must be getting on at the crack of dawn as always", he added quickly seeing their disappointed faces, "No telling what may be living in these woods, getting closer with every break we take", the two young faces nodded in a disappointed agreement.

"Well I for one agree with Gandalf", Dwalin yawned as he stretched his cramped limbs, "Durin's beard", he cursed in what Bilbo recognised as his rather gruff voice, "This quest is going to be the end of me. Dwarfs weren't meant to ride ponies". Balin, Bifur and Gloin mumbled in agreement rubbing their sore muscles, shifting in their seats. A weeks – worth of riding did not agree with anyone not matter how accustomed to the pain they were. It wasn't long before each and every hobbit, wizard and dwarf (excluding Kili and Balin who had been chosen to watch the night for any danger) were asleep and snoring oblivious to the world around them. And boy was that the night that they realised they should have paid a little more attention to their surroundings because come morning and it would seem as if a twister had erupted in parts of their small camp taking not a thing but leaving many things where they should not be.

Bilbo cracked open his eyes in the early morning sun only to find them covered in a hard, mucus like substance.

"What the?" he mumbled aloud as he bolted upright raising his hands to his face and hair only to be dismayed in finding that they two were covered in streaks of the same dried substance and let out a small cry as he plucked about seven snails from the top of his hair. By the time he had managed to pluck another dozen snails from the rest of his hair most of the company had awoken and to Bilbo's immediate displeasure Bofur had burst out laughing as soon as he had caught site of the poor hobbit, Bilbo's only comfort was that Dwalin too had suffered the wrath of the night terror. His beard had been woven into tight braids with an array of lovely little pink flowers sticking out ever centimetre or so. By now as he watched Dwalin vainly attempt to pull the tightly woven flowers from his rather fine beard, Bofur had almost doubled over in laughter as he took a draught of ale from his private flask, only to send it flying in the air a small slug soaring with the wasted liquid.

"Kili!" yelled the startled dwarf as he quickly gathered the flask before any more of its contents were wasted. Kili however had sought refuge behind his older brother Fili and Dwalin's own brother Balin. The angry dwarf was getting nowhere near the youngest member of the company for the next few days as far as Bilbo could tell, judging from Fili's complete lack of knowledge concerning the bundles of worms in his own blond braids. Thorin had yet to wake up to the chaos surrounding his companions and Gandalf who always saw the funny side to Kili's mischief no matter how horrid it was, had started to strike a conversation with the snail that had poked it's head over the edge of his rather fine wizards had.

"Oh hello my dear sir", the wizard said happily, "What is your name?" Bilbo unfortunately did not hear the rest of the conversation as Thorin had finally cracked open his eyes to view the frog sitting on his cheek.

"Kili!" yelled the half amused half annoyed dwarf, "You have three seconds to get them off before I …" Thorin paused as one of the rather slimy frogs leapt into his outstretched mouth. Bilbo watched horrified as the dwarf king swallowed inconveniently as he turned three different shades of red each darker than the other.

"Kili!" he roared.