Title: 39, 23, 59
Author: Scorch
Email: NC-18
Category: Humour/Smut
Content: C/Aus
Summary: And he thought he knew eternity.
Disclaimer: I own nixies
Distribution: AO, FSB, the places of Lea and Cal.
Notes: Impress, so very sorry this took so long, but I lost the disk it was on. I hope this makes up for the ridiculously long wait. Hope it doesn't disappoint. It also might a week or two before an update, what with DoA and Christmassy stuff to do. Hugs and Snogs, S xxxx

Day 41...

It wasn't often Spike found himself facing a tied up filly he had no intention of killing or hurting in any way.

It wasn't often Spike found himself on a time limit.

It wasn't often Spike found himself willing to pay said filly if she'd comply with his demands.

It wasn't often Spike found himself writing out plans and taking notes.

"Stop bubbling will you, there's a good girl."

It wasn't often Spike found himself comforting the filly he had tied up.

Well, excuse her if she found the situation called for it. Not like she could run away screaming, was it?

He rolled his eyes. Out of all the singletons of Sunnydale, he just had to choose this one. Like he didn't have enough on his hands that he had to torture himself by picking the one woman in the land that had the tongue of a serpent. Saying that, his grandsire deserved no less. Especially since last year's stupid plot to suck the world into hell.

Spike was sure he wasn't the only happy camper that it didn't work. He snorted. Like a statue was gonna come to life and swallow the Earth. There was more chance of a Martian invasion then there was of that happening. And idiot that Angelus was, had to go and try it.

Spike wondered what was next. Angelus hunting for Atlantis? He shook his head. He wouldn't put it past his grandsire. He could actually see Angelus decked out in a pair of hiking boots, a Gortex anorak, and a pair of gators, ready to take on Everest, or wherever Atlantis was. Maybe if he was really lucky, his grandsire would wear a beanie.

He shook his head again. There were more important things than Angelus, and that was getting the tasty bit in front of him too agree to his plan. Not that she'd have much choice, of course. If she didn't, he'd kill her. End of story.

Looking at her now, she seemed a tad stressed, and when he was stressed, he smoked.

"Want some?" Spike held out his cigarette.

She stared at him like he was nuts.

"Guess not. Listen."

Pretty eyes rolled.

Oh yeah. The gag. "Not like you can do much else. Anyhow," he took a drag. "You and me? We got business to discuss."

Pretty eyes blinked. Business? What he could he need with her? Unless he wanted a barrister, in which case he'd have to go elsewhere. Her father didn't specialise in vampirism.

"You an me have someone in common."

Oh please. If this was about Buffy, she'd kill herself.

"See, Angelus and me."

Oh God. Why couldn't this have been about Buffy?

"We got a bet on." He took another drag and yet again offered her some. When she glared, he shrugged. "If you're sure. I stand to win."

Win what? The award for being the most irritatingly evil schnoz the world's ever known?

"It ain't about the money, ya know. More important than that. Picture this."

Oh dear God. He was gonna go down memory lane. Help her. Somebody, anybody, help her. Maybe she'd get lucky and he'd bore her to death.

"Me, three hundred years from now."

Oh no. It was worse than she thought. It wasn't memory lane he was going down. It was his future plans. If he said anything about two point four kids and a white picket fence, she was gonna cannibalise her own intestines and eat herself to death.

"Hearing his whiny voice you lost, you lost, ha ha, you lost."

He had her there. Three hundred of years of listening to that would drive her over the brink. She sympathised and would have said so if she wasn't gagged. She nodded instead. Poor Spike.

"Bad enough hearing his voice 30 minutes a day, let alone 300 years of it. This is where you come in."

He must be mistaken. She didn't come in anywhere.

"This bet. Involves a woman."

Yeah well, she was not that woman.

"Not just any woman mind you, but a woman like you." He took another drag, taking a second to savour the smoke before putting it out with his boot. "You know the sort."

The sort? What kind of chauvinist was he?

"Legs up to here," his hands waved around his neck. "Body like this," his hands made an hourglass shape. "And bloody good tits. Drive a man mad, they would."

What she wouldn't give to yell at him. How dare he say she had good tits? That was so... so... Male. Urgh. Even vampires were men it seemed.

"Bet you'd give a right old tit wank."

Oh God! Just who did he think he was?

"My Dru does. Not as hefty, mind you, but by heck. She doesn't half know how to please her bloke."

Forget the self cannibalising. The love struck expression was enough to make her choke on her own vomit.

"You an her would get on great."

She could see the Christmas presents now. Dru would get a gift voucher for a year's worth of therapy and she'd get an arm in a box. The seasonal joy was already getting to her. She could hardly wait.

"You two could have tea parties and the like."

What did he think they were gonna do? Throw slumber parties where pillow fights would lead to female experimentation? God, perversion really didn't discriminate between dead and alive.

"Anyhow."

What was worse? Him thinking of female bonding, or the reason why he had her tied up and gagged?

"Angelus an me have a bet. He's a bit active, shall we say. Got a lot of time to make up for."

Now she was confused.

"Poor git's had a soul half his existence. Like a leash, it is."

The soul was more of a blessing where she was concerned.

"He fed off rats."

She was not going to feel sorry for Angelus. He deserved getting cursed.

"Course that won't make a difference to you. What with being a strong woman and all that."

Flattery would get him nowhere.

"He wasn't himself. Bogged down with all that guilt, trying to save all them people. Falling in love with a slayer." Spike grimaced.

She agreed. How anyone could fall in love with a girl who wanted what she couldn't have was sickening. She'd seen Buffy have a chance with human men and ruin it because they were too normal, she'd seen Buffy have a chance and ruin it with a man who was not normal enough. It was pathetic, really.

"Let's just say he was sick. Not himself. We'll both be happier if we think that way."

She'd be happier if she wasn't tied up and gagged.

"Since he lost that soul, he's been sleeping his way through the demon world. Trying to prove he's back and badder than before. You know, trying to prove a point and all that."

Oh lovely. Way to get attention, Angel.

"I had a bit of business last week."

Was this the same business he wanted from her? Cus if so, then he could go to hell.

"And Angelus brings this bird home. Quite a meal, she was. He didn't share of course. Kiss n tell is more his style. Then if I had a bint like her, I'd kiss n tell, too. Anyways. There I was, trying to conduct my business all professional like, when he became God, quite loudly if I remember rightly. It ruined the moment. You can imagine, I'm sure."

Only too well.

"This brings me to you. The bet is he can't go forty days without a shag. He says he can, I say not."

How, exactly, did this bring him to her?

"If I know my old sire, he'll go the nine yards just to prove me wrong. I can't be having that over my head. Here's where you come in. You got the looks, the bod, and I've already said, the tits."

The outrage was back in full force.

"All we need to do is polish you up some, get you out of the high school cheerleader clothes and into something decent. Putting you on his radar ain't gonna be hard at all. Not with those pins of yours."

She'd give anything to choke him to death. Pins? Pins? God. She wanted to scream for all the females on the damn planet. Pins? Just how rude could one vampire be? She'd also give anything to have the ability to tug her skirt down.

The way he was looking at her was really giving her the creeps. His eyes kept going from toe to waist and back down again, lingering where thigh met pelvis. Urgh. What a perv. Anyway, what was all this we stuff? Last she heard, he was the one with the bet.

"As I was saying. Get you in a skimpy piece of yum, put you in a place where he's gonna notice, and I win. Sound like a plan? Does to me."

Why couldn't he be the one in a skimpy piece of yum and why couldn't he be put in a place where Angelus was gonna notice?

"And if you don't go along with it, I'll kill your family and make you watch."

Didn't that put a whole new spin on things?

"Now. I'm going to be a good little lad and take that gag off. When I do, you're going to say yes. Understood?"

She nodded. Didn't have much choice really.

Spike got off the rickety old chair he was on and removed her gag, patting her on the back while she coughed.

"There, there pet. I got something here to help with dry throats."

She watched as he slipped out a silver flask and wiggled it in front of her face. She couldn't smell the liquid inside, but she heard it sloshing around. It could be anything from absinthe to vodka. No matter what it was, she was so not drinking it.

"Hmm. We have to do something about your girl scout attitude." His head tilted to one side. "Or maybe not. Tell you what. You let me handle the details and you just show up on time, eh?"

Yeah. She didn't think so.

He must have read her mind. "Remember that thing where I'll kill your family and make you watch? That's no joke, pet. Angelus maybe the original big bad, but I've learned a trick or two. Don't you forget that. Had a kink on for railroad spikes, I did. Nice little toys. How I got my name."

Spike blinked down at her. "You look a bit green around the gills. This'll help with that."

She opened her mouth, fully ready to let him have it when liquid started trickling down her throat. It burned. It really, really burned. Her eyes filled with tears and her head went to one side as she coughed up the disgusting whatever.

God, her throat was actually numb. "What the hell…?" She glared up at the vampire questioningly.

He beamed, pleased he had her approval. "My own recipe. Bit of Willie's home brew whiskey, spot of brandy, and a smidgen of battery acid."

Battery acid?

"Good, ain't it? Keeps me warm an cosy on a cold winters' night I can tell you that much."

Battery acid?

"Now," Spike took a drink of his own and she watched in amazement when his eyes rolled back in sheer delight.

Battery acid?

"Do we have a deal?"

Cordelia could barely talk around the sizzling sensation of melting skin and tissue in her throat, but she just about managed it. "Do I have a choice?"

Spike grinned. "That's the beauty of it, pet. Neither of you do."