CHAPTER 1

These are quick "Hellsing" moments, they are in script format because they
were originally designed to be made into comics.

Celes: Walks by Alucard sniffing the air Um...no offense master but you
stink
Alucard: What?
Celes: Oh man when was the last time you changed your clothes?
Alucard: By "Change your clothes" you mean regenerate them after a fight,
right?
Celes: -- No. Grabs his arm Come on were gonna go get some new clothes
and in the meantime we need to get rid of your old ones.
Alucard: What! No way your not throwing my old clothes away.
Celes: Oh I know, I know, I wasn't planning on throwing them away.
Alucard: Oh...well good.
Celes: Wispering Cremation is more of what I had in mind.

Integral: Picks up the phone on her desk Hello?.....no my fridge is not
running...I see well thank you for your concern. Sigh Alucard! Get in
here!
Alucard: Comes in thru the wall Yes master?
Integral: Hands him a piece of paper We have a 307 at this address, you
know what to do
Alucard: Yes master Leaves with Celes
Integral: Remember kids, never play prank phone calls. It's just not
nice. And you never know the person on the other end of the line might just
have caller ID and an all powerful vampire working for them.

Integral: Has fifty Vatican "Not bomb" letters all over her desk -- That
does it!
--At Vatican headquarter--
Maxwell: Is sitting at his desk doing paperwork
Anderson: Hey boss this just came in. Hands him a letter It's from
Hellsing
Maxwell: Laughs She even wrote "not bomb" on it. Aw she's trying to make
me feel better, well let's see what she has to say. Opens the letter
Anderson: Well what does it say?
Maxwell: It says "Ok I lied"
Anderson Maxwell: oo
Maxwell's office blows up

Celes: Knocks on Helena's door
Helena: GO Away!
Celes: Please I just need to talk to you...are you alright?
Helena: Yes I'm fine. I just ran into a little...legal trouble recently
that's all.
Celes: Oh what happened?
Helena: Mumbles something
Celes: What?
Helena: Opens up the door and holds up a backpack I said I HAVE TO GO
FINISH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ALRIGHT!
--Two weeks later--
Celes: Helena I just dropped by to see how your first week of school
was.
Helena: What? Oh yes that. I graduated.
Celes: WHAT! That fast?!
Helena: My dear child, one does not go about reading for centuries without
learning a thing or two.
Celes: So you graduated High School?
Helena: Yes...well it was more along the lines of getting a masters degree
in science from Harvard but yeah you get the idea.

Integral: Is randomly shooting in the shooting gallery
Alucard: What are you doing?
Integral: Bullet art. You know where you shoot a piece of paper and the
bullet holes make a picture
Alucard: Okaaaay
Integral: Well what do you think so far?
Alucard: I think I'm not sure what disturbs me more, the fact that your
doing the Mona Lisa or the fact that it's in color.

Random Evil vampire: Has Integral cornered in a dark alley
Integral: Hmph stupid beast. ALUCARD!
--Nothing happens--
Integral: Ahem. I said! ALUCARD!
REV: Aww how pathetic. Calling on your little pet vampire.
Integral: Alucard I swear if you don't show up by the time I count to three
I'm gonna...
Alucard: Suddenly appears dressed in a towel and covered in soap suds
Geez! Can't I take a quick shower every once in a while!?
Integral: Err Points to a yellow thing in his hand Is that a rubber duck?
Alucard: .....Yeah....what's your point

Integral: Picks up the phone on her desk Yes...oh hello Prime
Minister...blood drive? What blood...oh I see. Yes I'll take care of it,
thank you. Hangs up ALUCARD!
Alucard: Is out on the lawn in behind a lemonade stand with "blood drive"
written on the sign.

Celes: Walks around the mansion with her hair sticking up all over the
place
Integral: Why is here hair like that.
Alucard: No reflection remember.
Integral: How come your hair never looks like that?
Alucard: Cause my hair looks good messy.
Integral: And because you can control you appearance at will?
Alucard: Yeah, that to.

Celes: Sir Integral. What did you think of those anime DVD's I lent you.
Integral: Well, I didn't have much time to watch them but from what I've
seen the plots are quite interesting, but I have one problem with anime in
general.
Celes: Oh what's that?
Integral: These Bishonen people! It's so hard to figure out if they're a boy
or a girl. Oh well at least we don't have to deal with that in real life.
Celes: Err yeah Thinking Have you looked in a mirror lately.

Alucard: Hey Celes wanna go sky diving?
Celes: You? Skydiving?
Alucard: Sure.
Celes: Why not I've always wanted to try it at least once.
Alucard and Celes leave
Integral: Does Celes know that Alucard doesn't use a parachute when sky
diving?
Walter: No I don't believe so, do you want me to go stop her?
Integral: No, don't bother. Just make sure there's a clean up crew at the
landing area.

Alucard: Walks past Integral with a big grin on his face
Integral: Alright what are you up to?
Alucard: Whatever do you mean master.
Integral: You've got that 'I'm up to no good' look on your face.
Alucard: Oh that. I've finally made a break thru in teacher Celes how to use
her vampiric powers.
Integral: Oh?
Alucard: In fact I'm testing a new method of teacher her to phase thru
things right now.
Integral: Right well, carry on then...I guess.
-In Celes's room"
Celes: In locked in her "Coffin" MASTER! Let me out of this bloody thing
right now!

Celes and Integral: Are standing in a line, a very LONG line
Integral: I hate it when they do that.
Celes: Do what?
Integral: Points over to where Alucard, Walter, and Anderson are standing
in the "Over 50 seniors line"

-Vampire slaying method one-
Stab thru the heart with a wooden stake
Anderson: Pokes Alucard with a toothpick
-Vampire slaying method two-
Use silver weapon-
Anderson: Throws silverware at Alucard
-Vampire slaying method three-
Splash them with holy water
Anserson: Squirts Alucard with a squirt gun
-Vampire slayer slaying method-
Shoot them several times with a large gun
Alucard: Points gun at Anderson Anderson: God I hate budget cuts.

Celes: Holds up a piece of paper WooHoo!
Alucard: What is that?
Celes: I won the contest! I win a million dollors!
Alucard: Err
Celes: I'm gonna buy a house and a car and a blood bank and a puppy
and...
Alucard: Celes can you see that ticket?
Celes: I guess Hands it to him
Alucard: Celes I have rather bad news.
Celes: What?
Alucard: Points to the spot on the ticket that reads "Void if winner is
deseased"
Celes: Passes out
Integral: Pokes Celes You killed her.
Alucard: Again?

Alucard: Walks into Integrals office full of bullet holes
Integral: Doesn't that hurt?
Alucard: No, I don't feel pain anymore.
Integral: Raises an eyebrow Really? Kicks him between the legs
Alucard: Falls over
Integral: Hmm guess you were wrong.