Disclaimer: Don't onw them, don't profit from them, just like to play with them.
A/N : What I hope Logan would be feeling after "Pollo Loco".
The pictures. Those fucking horrible pictures. I can't get them out of mind. It's 3 AM and I can't sleep. When I try all I can see are the pictures running through my mind.
Fucking Lydecker and fucking Manticore. What kind of people could do something like that? What kind of human could create innocent children and deliberately raise them
to be capable of such an act? I can't find it in me to blame the kids, they were after all, doing only what they had been bred (what a disgusting word when applied to humans) and trained to do. Genetically enhanced killing machines. I hate myself for ever saying that to Max. It's Lydecker and all those with him that I hold responsible. They are the ones who in my mind have forfeited all rights to be called humans. They are the true monsters.
I've never really understood Max's feelings about Manticore before. I mean I knew she hated it and that they must have done terrible things to her but I never connected with it emotionally they way I do now. No wonder she reacted the way she did to Dr. Vertese.
Max. I keep thinking about her and how she must feel. I know Max and she isn't what Lydecker tried to convince me she is. Like I would ever believe anything he told me, the bastard. Max escaped Manticore at age 9 and has spent the last 10 years overcoming what they did to her. Max has a conscience and compassion; I have seen it over and over again. She is strong, stronger than I ever knew, to be able to keep her sanity and her essential goodness intact after Manticore. Ben didn't have that strength.
Oh my god. I just wanted to go to her and hold her and tell her it was all right. I wanted to cry with her and grieve with her and help her. She killed her brother. She only did what she had to and it was an act of mercy but I know it is tearing her apart. She so desperately wants to have her family, her siblings. Ben was destroyed by Manticore. I doubt there was any saving him. Max couldn't let him go on as he was and she couldn't let him go back. I can't imagine what Manticore would have done to him.
I wish she would open up to me about what happened both then and now. I want so much to be there for her. At the same time I'm afraid to let her know I know. She'll want to know how I got the pictures and she'll be so angry with me for going to Lydecker behind her back. She'll see it as an act of betrayal not as an act born of worry and desperation, of fear for her. And after seeing the pictures I can understand how she would see it that way.
How did the world get so fucked up? Why do creatures like Lydecker exist?
Do we never learn anything? Are we doomed to keep on this way, every couple of generations creating these monstrous creatures, the Hitler's, the serial killers, the Lydeckers?
I think these thoughts and I am ready to despair but then I think about Max. Max, my Dark Angel. Despite Lydecker and Manticore, Max has an inner light about her. She has been to hell and returned. She gives me faith that we can become better, that goodness can overcome evil. I only hope that somehow, in some way I can be there for her when she needs me to be. I hope that I can make her believe that I don't care about her past, just as she doesn't care about my wheelchair. I care about what she is now and what she can be, not about what she was.
I will try to get some sleep now but I don't know if I will. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, what I will do next. I do know that I hate Manticore and Lydecker with an intensity I've never felt before. Somehow, someday I will do something about them. I don't yet know how or what but I know that I will. That is my vow to myself and to Max.