Matters of Time
Matters of Time
Disclaimer: Still not mine, still just having fun.
Summary: Because they both lost so much at Bespin. Leia and Luke. Set immediately after ESB.
A/N: This was written for a hurt/comfort challenge over at the JC Boards. It didn't win, but I think that this is the piece of which I am proudest so far.
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"Sometimes time doesn't heal; No, not at all..."
Jack Johnson, "If I Had Eyes"
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Because, she thinks, there is not always a happy ending.
(But she had started to believe that she might get hers.)
She thinks that, if she had eyes in the back of her head, she might have known they were being followed. She thinks that, if she believed harder in a higher power, then he (or she, or it) would have kept it all from happening. She thinks that, if she were perfect, then she would have seen it coming and maybe they wouldn't have ever gone. (But if she were perfect, she wouldn't have fallen in love with him, and if she were perfect, she could have fixed the ship and they never would have needed to stop.)
But she doesn't have eyes in the back of her head and she doesn't believe hard enough in gods or angels or demons because she has seen too much of hell (no higher power would ever allow whole planets to be destroyed, obliterated into glittering stardust that shouldn't have been so beautiful) and she has never had a hope of being perfect, so they went anyway and pretended like they weren't walking into a trap.
And when the smoke cleared away (really, there was too much smoke) and the screaming stopped (though it won't stop, not ever, because she still hears it and it makes her sick) and the blaster bolts faded into the distance (even though they're never that far behind) she was left in a seat (his seat) on a ship (his ship) and her heart (his heart) had been ripped from her chest and thrown against the ground and shattered into a million unrecognizable pieces and she felt alone, so alone. And as she sat there (in his seat) she wished for a moment that she had died with her family in a brilliant green blast, she wished that she never had to feel this pain. (Except that if she had died with them, she would have never known him, and she thinks that might be worse.)
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Because, he thinks, there is not always a happy ending.
(He only pretended he might get one with her, anyway.)
He thinks that, if he were older and wiser, he might have seen the mistake that he was making. He thinks that, if he had been stronger, he would not have jumped and maybe not have lost his hand (or believed so easily that he was the son of true evil). He thinks that, if he didn't love her as much, he never would have gone in the first place. (But he couldn't not love her because she was beautiful and perfect and so strangely familiar.)
But he is not older even though he is now wiser (though is he, really?) and he is not as strong as he should be and he is human and flawed and like everyone else so of course he loves her, so he followed his vision and went to help her and was really only able to make things worse for them all.
And when the pain subsided (in his hand but not in his heart, his mind, his soul) and he called her name (he never believed that she'd hear him) and a city that was so deceptively beautiful faded away (he never saw much of it to begin with) he was left in a bunk (he could still smell their sweat and their lust) on a ship (the love that they made was all around him) and his heart (her heart, but she would give it back to him) had been ripped from his chest and thrown against the ground and shattered into a million unrecognizable pieces and he felt alone, so alone. And as he lay there (the echoes of passion in the room were crushing) he wished for a moment that he had never left home and had never known what it meant to feel true pain. (Except that if he had never gone to find her, she would have died, and he thinks that might be worse.)
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When they fix his hand and he goes to her side, she smiles at him, but it is a sad smile and he can hear her thoughts ever since he spoke in her head and he knows that he is not the man she is thinking about. He wonders for a moment when he got old, when he grew up, and he thinks it must have been in the last few hours even though it suddenly feels like so long ago. But he has grown up, because he knows how she does not feel about him and suddenly that does not bother him so much anymore (even though it really does).
She looks at him with tears in her (beautiful) eyes and he takes her in his arms and he hopes one day he will know the same (beautiful) love she feels for the one no longer with them. (But then he hopes that he won't, because who could really love the son of pure evil?)
"I miss him," she says, and he says he knows, and he promises her that they'll get him back (though he wonders what will happen to her if they don't) and she wipes the tears away from her (beautiful) eyes. Then she asks about his hand and he tells her it feels fine (or it will one day or maybe never) and she says that with time maybe he'll forget it ever happened.
He smiles when she says that (but it is sarcastic and painful and not happy at all) and says that that's the real trick after all (and is glad for a moment that she never heard him say that, the man that isn't with them anymore) and that, with time, maybe they'll forget about everything. And he hugs her close and he thinks that, with time, she'll forget about her broken heart (because she will get him back) and he'll forget about his (because loving her so much won't do him any good anymore) and maybe, just maybe, that, with time, he can forget that he is the son of pure evil (and maybe he is pure evil himself).
She feels him sigh and she hears the beat of his heart in his chest and she thinks that the sound is so familiar (but it is not the heartbeat that she has learned so well, the heartbeat that she loves). And she feels the pain in her heart and in her mind and her soul and she can feel the pain in his as well, but she doesn't know why he hurts. She can only hope that that her arms offer him comfort just as his offer her the same and that one day, maybe, they will both be lucky enough (or blessed enough or stupid enough) to have whatever it is they need to heal, to truly heal (and she pretends like that might be possible). He is right, after all, and so is she, and maybe they only just need to forget.
She thinks it's funny (and that it isn't) that all they really need are matters of time.
Because there is not always a happy ending.
(But this time, there will be.)
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