Title: Reflection(Unwanted)

Author: shadowgrl

Fandom: Smallville

Rating: PG

Summary: Chloe POV after Zero.

I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.

Is this how they all feel? All those investigative reporters who write stories that ruin people? The swirling mixture of fear, shame and betrayal on a spin cycle in their gut?

Because that's how I feel.

I used to know who I was. Chloe Sullivan. I had a great father, two best friends, even if one of them was completely obsessed with Pretty, Pretty Princess Lana and never going to notice Best Friend Chloe. I was a good reporter, digging until the truth was uncovered with my aforementioned two best friends helping me out.

Notice the order there. I was a best friend. Then a reporter.

And what am I now?

Not a best friend, that's for sure.

Have I truly sunk so low?

Tonight I sat in front of that computer looking at the file that could begin to uncover all of Clark Kent's secrets. Secrets I want to know, that I need to know. Secrets he doesn't want me to even know exist.

He asked me to drop the search for his adoptive parents even though he admits to wanting to know about them. I told him I would. I meant it.

I really did.

I went to the Torch and I sat down, booted the computer on and went to delete the file. Only I didn't. I couldn't. For what seemed like ages I sat there, moving the mouse back between Save and Delete. All the while a battle raged in my mind.

In the end I chose Save.

And I can justify it all I want by saying that I saved it for Clark. So he could know the truth. So he could stop wondering every day about them and finally just know.

But it would be a lie.

I didn't do it for Clark.

There was a time when I thought I would do anything for Clark. Die for him, lie for him, even suffer through endless hours of "Lana's so perfect" crap for him.

But I couldn't do this one thing for him.

He asked me to let it go and I didn't. I lied to him. Even though at the time it wasn't a lie because I did mean to drop it, it's a lie now. And if he asks me, I'll lie to him.

I faced the truth tonight.

I thought I was more than Chloe Sullivan: Investigative Reporter.

Now I realize that's all I am.

I can't let go of the instinct for news. I've tried to hide it. I know Clark belongs on The Wall of Weird but I've tried to ignore it for so long.

I've failed him now. I've failed myself.

I no longer have the right to be his best friend.

I no longer have the right to be anything for him.

But I'm going to anyway.

I look in the mirror and I see what I've become.

I hate it.

I hate me.

But I can't change myself either.