A/N Canon until season 6 finale with main exception that Kai is still with us as a vampire witch.

Never gonna be over not getting Bonkai storyline.

I was so unimpressed by ending to season 6 that I didn't watch season 7&8 (apart from last few episodes of season 8). Please don't be disappointed not to find overlap with s7 storyline.

For the record, in my version of Vampire Diaries series we would've seen *much* more of Bonnie.

"This is kind of all of your fault."

Bonnie couldn't stop hearing those words in her mind. She was able to eat but she barely slept. She'd lie under the covers, staring at the ceiling, growing more and more exhausted and frustrated as hours went by, finding a little comfort in being able to sigh loudly and know no one heard her. Caroline was coming home late at night and a few times stayed out altogether.

Getting little shut eye, Bonnie barely functioned during the day, nodding off in a coffee shop, the library, once at the Salvatore House. Dozing off felt safer during the day and more so when she was outside her room. Bonnie suspected being around other people made her feel more relaxed, enough so she could fall asleep much quicker than when she was in her own bed. Trying to fall asleep alone reminded her too much of her solitary time in the prison world.

She preferred staying awake to dreaming the same nightmares, same unwanted images of her and her friends fighting enemies and losing almost each night. Losing a different friend each night. She had no control over what she dreamed about so when she was awake she held on to any sense of control she could have.

In the week since Elena had fallen unconscious Bonnie tried to bring herself into some routine. She picked up her spell books, skimming through them, though often she ended up floating one in the air when she'd come across a spell that was too long and complicated. Staring at the swirling book felt meditative.

What worked best to actually give her some relief was running which she embraced easily, sometimes Matt joining her, the two egging each other on wordlessly. She wasn't going to stay indoors and hide. Sometimes she bumped into a classmate who had no connection with the gang and felt relieved to have a normal conversation. But even a classmate eventually asked her about Elena.

As Bonnie laid awake night after night it made sense that her growing exhaustion would gently guide her to sleep more quickly but it wasn't working that way. She didn't remember any dreams unless they were ones of loss and death. Otherwise it was as if her alarm went off immediately after she was finally able to fully rest her eyes. Her mind was lost in a constant loop, playing the last battle with him and the moment she lost. The moment she felt she truly lost Elena.

It must've not completely hit her Elena was gone because she still picked up her phone ready to text her. Like when she wanted to tell her how she went driving and pulled all the windows down and a sparrow flew into her back window. It had taken everything in Bonnie to stop from automatically veering off the road as the bird flapped back and forth. Bonnie spoke slowly trying to calm herself and the bird, as if the bird would understand her pleas for it to stop its jittery movements. The bird finally stopped, perching itself by the passenger seat across from Bonnie, staring at her and cocked its head.

"What're you doing silly bird? The window is open. You can fly out." She pointed outside. She shooed the bird with her hand. The bird remained perched on the window.

"You wanna drive with me a little?" Bonnie asked. "OK. Hold tight."

The bird stayed with her a few more blocks before flying away. Bonnie laughed in relief. But she was actually enjoying the bird's company. The ease of the silent camaraderie.

One morning she looked at the third bed in her dorm room and had a momentary thought that she and Caroline would eventually need to talk about plans for next year's dorm room. The thought shrank her heart and she tried to shrug it off. She wanted to get it off her chest and share it with Caroline but didn't see her until the next day and at that point she had pushed the thought away.

Caroline and Tyler were spending more time together after Liv's loss. Caroline, having just lost her mom, said Tyler and her found solace in each other. In so many words.

"Hanging out with him... It reminds me what we had," Caroline said when she talked with Bonnie about him. "Do you ever feel - like you're in a place that you need to be in that moment? That's how I feel. We're not dating." She added immediately. "Just hanging out. Almost like we're getting to know each other again." She laughed.

Bonnie understood. She did wonder how Tyler and Caroline bonded over Caroline losing her mom after the way Tyler lost his. She had thought that Stefan and Caroline would find each other so this turn was unexpected but she could see how Caroline and Tyler would be drawn to one another. She saw how Caroline seemed softer and more clear minded after spending time with Tyler. She felt good for her friend though she missed not having her around more.

Bonnie felt a similar closeness when she spent time with Jeremy, but it didn't carry a depth that Caroline's tone seemed to hint at with her and Tyler. It was a bittersweet circumstance that led to Bonnie and Jeremy to each other then for the first time since she got back. The two shared hugs and a few good conversations before Jeremy left. They agreed to stay in touch. Bonnie wasn't too upset that he didn't stay. She actually felt she could breathe easier. He and her shared so much history together and spending time with him reminded her that their romantic relationship remained in the past.

Apart from the added heavy layer that Jeremy lost his sister she did find that she could relate to Jeremy when they talked about Elena. Compared with her vampire buddies, Jeremy and Matt knew what it meant to likely not see Elena again. Bonnie also felt a special gratitude for Matt who looked out for her and warned her to leave town when Elena fell into a coma. She didn't forget that. But then he disappointed her in a recent conversation.

"You betrayed Kai," He told her and looked away almost immediately. They hadn't even talked about Elena until her name came up. She flashed back to what Kai told her except guilt immediately washed Matt's face.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked.

Matt didn't respond.

"If you're going to blame me, make sure to make a stop with Damon, who suggested we trap him," Her eyes narrowed as she refused to say Kai's name. "And I heard no arguments from Elena," she said more quietly because though it was true she felt miserable saying it, as though she was betraying her friend. Yeah, Bonnie happily went along with Damon's plan but to only blame her was unfair.

Still, she wasn't seriously going to point the finger at Elena. No one was. Pointing fingers was for those who were still around. Matt apologized later but Bonnie still held the pain of his comment. What would it be like to feel blameless, she wondered sometimes. Jeremy didn't blame her. She didn't feel tense around him for that, like she did with Matt after he made the comment. But after spending time with him she felt more certain that Jeremy was her past.

Little moments like her friction with Matt reminded her how Kai's actions worked to unravel the group beyond the immediate results of his carnage. He had promised to make her suffer. After killing his remaining family members Bonnie found it hard to imagine what other boundaries he'd cross. Who else he'd want to finish off, Kai killing his siblings only foreshadowing what was coming.

Kai destroyed so much in such a short time after getting back. While Caroline and Tyler coped by finding each other, Damon tried to cope with his pain through supporting Alaric. Bonnie looked after Damon. She found comfort in giving and it helped her feel less lonely.

When she didn't think about Elena, Damon, or her friends, she thought of the wedding scene she had walked in on. Dead bodies weren't something new to her. She had lost people she loved to violence and supernaturals at Mystic Falls before. But she had walked in on a blood bath after years of destruction and death. With this scene she also had Kai's words to replay in her mind.

And then there was the tape he had sent her. She played it again after Damon brought her back to the Salvatore Boarding House after saving her that night. After the tape ended she immediately watched it again. She hoped to find a clue. A window into Kai's head so she could see a vulnerability. A loophole.

"The rule is: As long as you're alive, Elena will remain asleep."

Re-watching it, though, mostly got her fuming all over again. All she had found on the tape was blame and if anything it had gotten harder to separate what she knew was right from Kai's cruel words. Just looking at his face... Her heart had hurt from the wrath that permeated through her. And now the word Bonster was in her head.

She had gotten nothing more from seeing it the tenth time than she did the fifth. Matt had eventually caught her watching it and had made her give him the tape. She had made him promise not to destroy it, unwilling to give up hope that they could find something useful in it.

Kai's accusation that it was Bonnie's fault. And then Matt's statement. But though she knew she wasn't responsible for Kai's actions, feeling guilty gave her a sense of control. She didn't regret leaving Kai in 1903 prison. He proved who he was not even a moment after he returned. He was the same witch who sat across from her in the coffee shop when she asked about the 1903 ascendant. Except the innocent and warm way he looked at her then wasn't him, it was Luke. The only difference between the guy in the coffee shop and the one in the wedding was that he had become a vampire and was more powerful. At the latter he showed her again that he wasn't safe to be around anyone.

When she went to see him she knew Tyler had bitten him and thought it'd slow him down. Her thoughts were firing in all directions. Wanting to get Elena back drove her to him. And something more. They had unfinished business. Perversely she may have hoped that he would listen to her despite the video. That something could be salvaged even though he had killed his family. At the same time she wanted to kill him. She deserted him and he still came back. She wanted to finish it.

And look where that brought her. And he was still out there. He was still victorious. It helped less and less that she knew what Elena wanted her to do.

"You have spent your entire life making sacrifices for me. Now it's my turn to do it for you."

These words didn't help lessen her pain. As each day passed she felt more fervor and certainty that time alone wasn't going to heal it. Fighting death over and over and losing so many people meant that those who stayed behind became even more important. The fact Elena was gone but not really had to mean that it was possible to bring her back. True, maybe it was for one more day until another hell beast showed up. But it would be worth it.

And so what became more and more important to Bonnie was that she didn't want to never be able to see Elena again. She didn't want Kai to win.

Once that thought was sowed in her mind she wasn't able to shake it. It wouldn't be impossible to bring Elena back. The gang always found a way. She always found a way. She didn't want to mess with the linking spell and not because she didn't consider it. She just thought she'd find another way.

She was glad she was alive and conscious. She didn't regret being saved. She regretted not winning. Her friend sacrificed herself for her, and Bonnie wanted her back. Everything revolved around Elena. She tried to visit her, tried to conjure spells to communicate but Elena was firmly sealed away. And since Kai came up with the spell, a small part of her thought worried he'd be able to hear what she'd say.

Damon couldn't keep the sadness from his eyes regardless of the topic of conversation. He started talking about getting away. Taking a trip and heading to France, maybe Holland. Maybe take a train and travel around Europe. Everything would wait for them back in Mystic Falls and it would be good for Alaric, who had sometimes appeared to be nearly catatonic.

"Alaric is not going anywhere away from Jo," Bonnie said.

"Who said anything about asking him?" Damon raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

"Damon."

Damon smiled. "You got a passport?"

"I'm coming too?"

"Of course." Damon smiled and Bonnie returned it.

"It would be good for you too." Damon said. "And someone has to be the one to watch over Alaric and me so we don't do something stupid. If you were gonna stay here... Well, you do have a knack for avoiding permanent death, but who knows when you're gonna run out of those cat lives." He paused and his smile turned more menacing. "Or maybe I just want to make sure I'm nearby when you take your last breathe."

"And maybe I'm going to get sick of you and dump you in Paris."

"Nah. I think we're stuck together. Elena wouldn't want it another way. And me neither," He added as an afterthought and shook his head again, but she sensed the deepness of his meaning.

She needed to hear that. Between his comments that she not wear a seat belt or chew her meal too carefully she grew annoyed with his attitude. Usually she was able to take it as teasing and she knew he hurt too. But the thought remained that the stakes for her to see Elena again were very different from his.

Bonnie gave the trip a thought but quickly put it aside. That could wait. She wasn't going to have Kai drive her away. She wasn't going to leave and give him more time to plan. It wasn't like he left Mystic Falls. She didn't see him but Caroline and Stefan had spotted him. They both agreed that he seemed to be keeping a low profile. Bonnie guessed he wanted to let the group stew before doing anything.

As she looked at the scar on her stomach that night she thought I need to protect Elena, my friends, and myself. His victory wasn't going to last. His victory wasn't going to last. There was a long list of people Bonnie couldn't save anymore but she wasn't going to have him add more people to it. And she was going to bring Elena back before ending Kai for good. The army of many beat one. Next time she'll face him she won't go alone. She wasn't ready to take him on on her own and she didn't want to waste time doing that when she had friends. She'd bring her army.

A/N

2/24/18 Edited chapter lightly.