A/N: This is definitely JW's Herbert. I just saw him in Stuttgart and he was pretty freaking awesome.

"Sarah?"

"Oh- Herbert! What- Go away! I have no clothes on!"

"I see that. You should put clothes on, and you should get out of my bathtub. Right now."

"Your bathtub? The count said I could bathe here."

"He didn't say when, did he? What he meant was, you can bathe here when Herbert's not using it. And Herbert is using it now. So get out."

"No."

"… All right. All right. Let's start over, all right?"

"All right."

"Good. Now: Sarah, since this is my bathtub and I need a bath now, will you please get up and get out of the tub?"

"Thank you for asking so nicely. But: no, I'm using it right now."

"Sarah!"

"We can take turns."

"Fine. I go first."

"Herbert, I'm already in the tub! You can go after me."

"…"

"Herbert, what are you doing?"

"Getting undressed. I have a new plan for how to share: that can be your half, and this can be my half."

"But…"

"We can each use our halves whenever and however we want. And I'm using my half now."

"But…- oh! Be careful; you splashed me!"

"It's a bath, Sarah. What are you in a bath for if you don't want to get wet? Hmm?"

"Ugh! Listen. I like my baths to be quiet and peaceful, so I'm going to close my eyes and pretend you're not here. Don't talk to me."

"… Hmph. … Don't fall asleep like that; you might drown. And what a tragedy that would be."

"Quiet, Herbert."

"Fine."

"Good."

"…"

"What's that noise?"

"Open your eyes and find out."

"What are you- OH! Aah! Herbert!"

"Yes?"

"Stop! You can't-… Herbert! Herbert, stop it!"

"Why? I can use my half however I want, remember? Well, this is how I use my half."

"Herbert!"

"Although I'll have to close my eyes and use my imagination; you're not exactly what I usually… you know. So: it's a boy I'm in the tub with, a boy I'm in the tub with, a smooth lovely boy I'm in the tub with, a very nice-"

"Herbert! Stop it! Stop that! Put it down!"

"For your information, I do this in the tub every single night. Often right where you're sitting now."

"Herbert!"

"Maybe you should do it too. You're looking quite frustrated to me."

"Herbert!"

…

Outraged shrieking from the bathroom drew von Krolock down the hall. He moved quietly, but fast – he was curious. His son and his lover had yet to truly have it out, though he'd suspected for some time now that a fight was coming.

Apparently they were fighting over the tub. I should have known.

As he got closer to the door he could hear more clearly: "Oh really? Well this is how I use my half!", Sarah was shouting.

"Eugh! Stop it! Stop it, that reeks! Help! Noooooo – death by perfume!" Herbert screeched back.

He heard splashing – lots of splashing. "And this! And this! Like this!" Sarah sounded completely out of control. He finally creaked the door open quietly, hoping to spy from inside….

But the minute he saw what was going on his jaw dropped and he froze. They were in the tub together, it seemed – but it was hard to tell, because a veritable mountain of bubbles had nearly buried both of them. Sarah could be seen inside it, paddling furiously to make the bubbles even larger, splashing and blowing them towards her bathmate with all the speed she could muster.

And Herbert…. he was also splashing, even faster than she was. Because he was-

"HERBERT!"

At the sound of the count's voice they both stopped immediately. Sarah gasped and sank down, covering herself up, while Herbert sat up as straight as he could and pointed. "She started it!"

"Wh- but-" Sarah looked from one vampire to the other. "That's not fair! I was here first!"

"Look at what she did! Look at all this mess! Now my bathroom is going to smell like flowers for weeks and weeks! And I was trying to wash my hair, but now I have to-"

"Stop." The count cut him off with a single word, then turned to the ball of fury in the other side of the tub. "Sarah: if you use up all of your soap today, then you won't have any for tomorrow," he said patiently. "I'm not going to get you a fresh bottle every night."

She scowled and crossed her arms, but didn't talk back to him.

"Now, Herbert? Stand up."

"What?"

"Stand. Up."

Herbert climbed to his feet and threw his shoulders back, proudly. Sarah averted her eyes from his erection…

And therefore missed the count snatching up a pitcher of cold water to throw at it.

"AAAAAH!" Shrieking like he'd been murdered, Herbert grabbed onto his crotch with both hands and crumpled down into the tub.

The count set down the empty pitcher. "Have I made myself clear, Herbert?"

Still hunched over in a tiny miserable ball, Herbert could only nod yes.

"Good." The count beamed at them. "I wish you both a pleasant bathtime." He bowed and went out.

"Herbert? Herbert, are you all right?"

"…"

"I'm sorry. Really. I didn't mean for anybody to hurt you, I'm really sorry about that. Are you all right?"

*sniff*

"Please, come on, look at me. Herbert. I'm sorry, honestly. We won't do this again, all right? We can take turns, like you wanted. Herbert? All right?"

"…"

"Oh- you've got bubbles all in your eyes now! Here, I'll wipe it for you, hold still. … There. Better?"

*sniff*

"Herbert?"

"Get back in your own half."

The End.

Please let me know what you think! If people are interested in reading more TdV from me I'll totally post it. I've written lots.