"Let's all give a great big, New Direction style welcome to our newest member, miss Brittany Pierce."
"May I suggest a song-"
"No, Rachel, I meant we should just clap and make her feel welcome. Save the songs for Sectionals."
"Oh, well in that case, as the best soloist and therefore the leader of the New Directions-"
"The nude erections."
"Thank you, Noah. As I was saying, my name is Rachel Berry and let me just say that it's an honor to have the first female student body president joining our humble group. We're a family here, albeit one that dates each other, but I'm sure you'll find that this is one of the most fun clubs in the school."
"I'm Sam."
"Puckersaurus, at your service."
"I'm Finn Hudson, Rachel's boyfriend."
"He's my fiance, actually. It was a very romantic proposal."
"Yes, we all know, because you've told us about a thousand times and counting. I'm Kurt, and I'm the best singer here, but ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm the least annoying. Unlike somebody."
"It's actually only seven hundred and seventy-three times, to be exact. I'm Tina, and this is Mike, my boyfriend."
"We're not related."
"The name's Mercedes Jones, but you would've found out soon enough anyway. I'm getting out of here as soon as I graduate. Broadway is going to have my name all over it."
"You already know me, Brit, I'm in your squad, and I'm the reason you joined Glee."
"Hey Quinn, hey everyone. I'm Brittany."
"Ok, you can take a seat now. Alright guys, this week's assignment-"
"Santana, right? Santana Lopez? Valedictorian?"
"Is that supposed to impress me? That you know my name? Because you've already won that joke of an election. By the way, I didn't vote for you. Why are you even here? Don't you have a million boyfriends on the football team to tend to?"
"Quinn asked me to join with her, so I did."
"Great story."
"Why are you here?"
"It'd be a great addition to my application, plus Mr Schue writes great recommendation letters."
"Where are you applying?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but I've got my eye on Amherst, Vassar and Columbia."
"Cool. Have you gotten in?"
"Results aren't until April. Listen, if you want somebody to help with your applications, why don't you go to the school advisor or something, I don't have all day and daddy's money to get into college like you."
"No, I'm good. I do want to know if you're free though."
"Look, just because I'm the only lesbian in this pathetic excuse for a high school, doesn't mean I want to sleep with any girl that asks, especially you."
"You didn't answer my question."
"No, I'm not free, sorry."
"Ok, then we'll be quick. I'll drive."
"This is kidnapping. I'm calling the police."
"My dad's the chief, and my mom's the best lawyer in the whole state. Didn't see you panicking much in the convertible."
"So what, you're gonna murder me? Because if ransom's what you're looking for, then you're barking up the wrong tree here."
"I need some advice."
"Go to a counselor. I'm sure Ms Pilsbury has a pamphlet suitable for whatever it is you're going through in your tough little life."
"I think I like girls."
"Good for you, now can I go? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow and I don't intend to lose valedictorian thanks to your quarter life crisis."
"Go out with me."
"How about...no. I have standards."
"Do you know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes right now?"
"Hmm, last time I checked, I didn't have a penis. Also, I don't care."
"And how many dates with girls have you been on, exactly?"
"That's none of your business."
"The only number I heard in that was 'none', so I'm gonna assume that's your answer."
"I'm not an experiment. I'm not some car you're picking out for your 18th birthday gift that you can just take out for a test drive."
"No, you're beautiful."
"Ohh, smooth. So I'm just supposed to fall madly in love with you now? Like half the football and basketball team?"
"I haven't slept with any of them, if that's what you're implying."
"Wouldn't have cared if you had."
"One date, then I'll leave you alone."
"You'll never bother me again for the rest of this year?"
"I'll never bother you again for the rest of this year."
"I don't know why I'm here. Oh, that's right, you kidnapped me and forced me to go out with you, like some psychopath."
"The ceviche here is awesome. I always order it whenever I come here."
"When are we done?"
"You know what, let's take this to go, this place is stuffy."
"Are you gonna gag and put a bag over my head this time?"
"Maybe, if you keep doing this."
"Doing what? Bored with your new toy already? Good thing for you, I'm fully returnable."
"Not without your clothes, you won't be."
"What do you think you're doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? Aren't you supposed to be super smart?"
"I'm pretty sure this is called sexual harassment, along with your kidnapping as well."
"Right, and you were moaning out of pain five seconds ago."
"For all you know I could've been."
"Oh my God, is that a- is that an actual non-scowl expression on Santana Lopez's face? Do I need glasses? Is there something wrong with the lighting here? It's the weird moonlight, isn't it?"
"Yes, it probably is."
"That's what I thought."
"You know, for a stuck up blonde cheerleader, you're not too bad."
"Well, for being Santana Lopez, you aren't too bad yourself."
"I'll consider that a compliment."
"Please do. How did you manage to unzip my dress so quickly, anyway?"
"That wasn't me. There's probably something wrong with the zipper."
"On a thousand dollar, custom-made dress? Probably."
"What time is it, anyway?"
"Right now? One am."
"Seriously? We spent the whole night together?"
"No, we haven't, but night's not over yet."
"Two days ago you were all hesitant and shy, telling me you think you like girls. Now you're blatantly making passes at me. Fast learner."
"Don't try and change the subject. I want you. I've wanted you since the start of high school."
"Patience is a virtue, Brittany."
"Nothing I'm thinking about is the slightest bit virtuous."
"Should've thought of that before you spent three years making me despise you."
"I was trying to impress you."
"Good job with the kidnapping, then."
"Hey, it worked, did it not?"
"It did."
"So I guess now's the perfect time to lean in and kiss you, huh?"
"Yeah, Brit, now would be the perfect time for you to lean in and kiss me."
"Happy Valentines Day to me."