Author: Minnie

Author:  Minnie

E-mail:  caitrynick@yahoo.com
Title:  By Heart
Chapter:  1/1
Category:  Etc.  (Character piece – Maria)
Pairing:   None, just a solo character piece
Rating: PG
Disclaimer:  I don't own any of these characters.  No infringement intended.
Summary:  Maria sings for Alex and for herself
Author's Note:  This is a songfic of sorts, set to 'Amazing Grace'.  Dedicated to Majandra Delfino.  Maria POV
 



I knew the words by heart.

I sang it enough times.  Muddled through it in church, practiced it with the choir in the park, even hummed a few offhand bars of it at school.


I knew the words by heart.

I didn't need a piece of paper telling me what line came up next.   I just needed to clutch something in my hand to keep them steady,  to keep them burying themselves in my face.



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't know what they meant.   All I knew was that I pushed them through my lips, shoved them into some coherent form to stop myself from endlessly wailing "Why?".



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't know what sounds came out of my mouth.  I just wanted to coat them with  enough resilient strength to keep my legs standing, to keep them from falling down with grief.  



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't know if the words worked.  But they kept me sane, shifting my  focus away from the solitary casket lying in the shallow earth.



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't know I'd be singing it for him.   His father asked to me to do something special at the funeral.   I looked at him with sightless eyes, bobbing my head in a random way that said neither yes nor no.   But his father took it to mean 'yes' so I reached out blindly for something, anything.  A song, any song.   That song.



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't know the first time I sang it with him would be the last time.  He told me it wasn't exactly garage band material.  But he ran through it with me after band practice.  Once, just once.  Because he knew I loved it, loved singing it with muted tones of hope and joy.   Once, just once, he played it with me.  Because he was my friend.



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't know if I wanted to finish the song.  I kept delaying it, prolonging it with cracks in my voice, hoping that in those split-seconds, the world would make sense again.   The world would have my friend in it again.



I knew the words by heart.  

I didn't know what to do after the words ended.   Cry?  Laugh at the injustice?  Tear into someone, into that thing that now housed him?   Collapse and be propped up by well-meaning hands?   Be silent and pay a final tribute to him?  Cry.   And cry raggedly.



I knew the words by heart.

I didn't seem to know anything else.  I didn't seem to feel anything else.  All I knew was he was gone.  Alex was gone.



I knew that as surely as I knew the words by heart.


"Amazing Grace"

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,   
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here a thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,   
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.