26th March, 2008
They're bringing your body home today. Apparently the Ministry wanted to do some post-mortem tests. Merlin knows what for. Ten days. It's been ten days, Draco. And they kept you away from me.
And it makes me angry with myself because I was relieved. I can't stop this shame roiling in my stomach, because it's a living, breathing thing now, and it has a life of its own. I was relieved, Draco, because I can't bear to think of looking at you like that. I can't bear to stand the thought of seeing your lifeless corpse, because then it'll be real, tangible, and I won't be able to curl up numbly in shock and rock myself gently against the bedroom door, convincing my aching heart that this is just another one of my nightmares. I won't have to face reality.
Because how can this be real? Tell me that, Draco. We were supposed to be forever. And now I'm not quite sure I can make it the rest of the way without you.
30th March, 2008
Fuck. I can't do this anymore. Everyone keeps throwing me these glances of pity, telling me to be strong, acting like they know what the fuck I'm going through. It's bollocks. What do those sodding arseholes know? They don't know a fuck of what torture this is, Draco.
They don't know how different you are. How much I set you apart. This is nothing like the others who've left me, Draco. Nothing.
The funeral was yesterday. I didn't even recognize half of the people there. It didn't matter, anyway. There wasn't anyone there, really, apart from us. Only us.
I refused to see your body. Are you ashamed of me, Draco? That I wasn't even brave enough to take one last look at you? Would you call me a coward? Merlin knows I am. I'm so sorry. It would be so much easier to do this if you were here. I know I'm not making any sense. You'd roll your eyes at me and smirk, telling me to "fucking man up, Potter, don't be such a ponce" before you'd envelop me in a hug that would say more than your words ever could.
I can still feel your arms around me. I could feel it when your casket sunk downwards. That's all I felt, even as the hot tears made their way down my face, Hermione's hand pincer-like on my elbow as I crumpled to the ground.
18th April, 2008
Fuck you, Draco. Fuck you. I hate you so much, you complete bastard. You've always been an arsehole for as long as you've lived, why should it be any different in death? You're so selfish, you always have been. I hate you. I hate you. You utter prat, I just hate you so fucking much.
I opened the bottle of Ogden's Old that we were planning on having over the weekend for the dinner party. I've been drinking a lot these past couple of days. Hermione's been over to tell me it isn't good for my health, but I honestly don't give a flying fuck anymore. I'm way too pissed right now to care.
How could you do this to me? How dare you make me feel so strongly for someone after so long? How dare you allow me to finallyliveafter what felt like a lifetime of weary numbness? And then you go and sod it all. Typical fucking Malfoy. You showed me how good life could be when you care to live it and then you go and fucking cock it all up by refusing to be there with me. Do you get some savage, sadistic pleasure from this? I know you do. Must be a right ego-boost, having the Saviour of the fucking Wizarding World crying over you.
You haven't changed. Not one fucking bit. You're just as much of a selfish, self-centered, egotistical git as you were in Hogwarts.
I should've just let you die that day in the Room of Requirement. Then I wouldn't have to go through all of this shit now.
19th April, 2008
Draco, I'm so sososorry. Fuck, please forgive me, I didn't mean any of it, not one bit and I'm so bloody sorry. I love you, Draco. I don't hate you, not at all, and I'm sorry for all those things I wrote. I was pissed out of my mind and I don't know what I was thinking. I was just so mad at you for leaving me like this. It's not an excuse, but please forgive me, I couldn't live with myself if you didn't. Please, Draco.
I did the most utterly moronic thing you could imagine, Draco. And I need to confess to it even though I know you'll be so angry.
I destroyed our photos last night.
All the ones on the mantlepiece, the ones in the drawers, the ones tacked up on our cupboards. All of them, lying about in the house. Every last one. I burnt them in a heap in the sitting room in a drunken stupor. I think that was after my third bottle of Firewhiskey. Or maybe it was the fourth. I don't remember now.
I'm so sorry, Draco. I'm a complete bastard and I know it, and I canseethe look of disappointment and hurt on your face. Hermione was here just in time to stop me from burning down the entire house. With me still in it. I know you'd be so disappointed. She stayed the night and is managing the mess now. The smell of burning carpet is still in the air and I can't bring myself to go downstairs. So I'm curled up in bed, writing you an apology for probably the most horrible thing I've done all my life.
I never should've said that I should've let you die. Never, never in million years would I ever want that. I love you too much for that, Draco, and I always will. You made life beautiful.You'rebeautiful. And I would save you a billion times all over again without a second thought because it gave me what we have today.
We still have it, Draco. It will never fade.Youwill never fade.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
14th May, 2008
I can't believe there are no more photos.
I still love you.
23rd May, 2008
I miss you. I miss you so much.
5th June, 2008
Happy birthday, Draco. You'd have been 28 today. Love you.
22nd June, 2008
I passed that restaurant today. The one where we had our first date. It wasn't on my way back from work, but I took a detour. I needed to see it. To go back to where it all started.
Do you remember how awkward we were at first? It's so funny now that I think of it, how we couldn't even look each other in the eye. You'd finally plucked up the courage to ask me out after 3 years of us dancing around each other. And to think that you had the balls to make the first move, not me. It'd always been that way. Merlin, it was so strange. I felt so ungainly and you were looking so beautiful in that suit. It was the first time I'd seen you in Muggle clothing and you know I've always preferred you that way ever since then. And your hair and your eyes and your skin were so beautiful, and dear Merlin thatsmile-
I've been yours ever since then, Draco. Ever since you smiled at me so unguardedly for that first time. Did you know that? I don't think I ever told you that. I'm telling you now, Draco. I know you can see this from wherever you are.
It worked out, in the end, didn't it? That night was wonderful. I'll never forget it.
28th July, 2008
Why're the memories growing stronger, Draco? Why aren't they fading? I want this hurt to stop. It isn't going away, no matter how much I scream and cry and beg in this empty house for it to just disappear.
I still have all your stuff. Your toothbrush is exactly where you left it, along with that bottle of shampoo of which you didn't even care to shut the lid the last time you used it. Your clothes are all still in the cupboard and your cologne's lying on the dresser. I never sleep on your side of the bed. That was your place and no one will ever take it. Not even me.
It hurts, Draco. I cry in my sleep all the time. I know because I wake up to tear tracks on my face and a soaked pillow beneath my head. But when I'm awake, the tears never come. It's just hollow.
Some days I can't even sum up the energy to get out of bed. Hermione comes over on days like that. Tries to get me to shower, to eat, to do anything apart from curl into a ball, smelling your clothes. They're losing your scent now, Draco. Some of them already smell more like me than you. I wonder how long the rest of them will last.
I know it won't be for too long at the rate I'm rubbing them against me. I wish it was forever.
I kept going to work for the first few weeksbecause I thought it'd help numb the hurt.
It didn't.
So I tried to quit. I didn't need the money. Shacklebolt wouldn't let me.
So I don't care to even show up anymore. What're they going to do, drag me out forcefully? Ron says I need to get out of the house. I don't care.
I don't need any of that. All I need is you. Where are you, Draco? Why won't you come save me?
31st July, 2008
Stayed in again today. I wanted to. I knew you'd remember. I saw your shooting star. That was for me, wasn't it? Thank you. I made a wish, too. But I'm still waiting on it to come true.
22nd August, 2008
The most unbelievable thing happened today! I was looking through your clothes again and that's when I saw it. The old wizarding camera, the one with all our photos in it! Did you know that you can replicate all the rolls as many times as you like? I was so excited when I saw it Draco, I nearly tripped in my scramble to get to the table and tell you all about it.
I'm going to get them all back, Draco. All the photos. And then I'll be able to see us again. Laughing and smiling and hugging and kissing, just like we're supposed to be.
I hope you've forgiven me.
11th October, 2008
I can still hear you call my name. You said it last night. It was just a whisper, across my face, like a ghost's breath. Harry, you said, so clearly. So firmly. So lovingly.
You called out to me last night, didn't you Draco?
I talk to you sometimes. Can you hear me from wherever you are? So many things I didn't tell you, so many words left unspoken. Why didn't I use the time I had? I should know the fragility of life better than anyone. And yet I gave up my chance, I wasted it. All those times you were right there and I never told youjusthow much you mean to me... I don't think you know, Draco. I don't think you understand how much it made a difference to my life, just your presence. You didn't need to speak or make big proclamations of affection or shower me with gifts, because I'd understand everything anyway. Just being there, holding me. Simple gestures, like the way you wake me up by stroking my fringe back from my face. Your hand gently brushing mine at our sides when I'd get angry at someone, reminding me to calm down. Your fingers softly tracing every path of ever scar I've ever gotten; your lips on my collarbone. Your murmured words of sweet nothings when we'd lie in bed together, the warmth from your body keeping me so very comfortable.
You're calling me a melodramatic sod now, aren't you? I can hear it. You'd laugh and wipe away my tears and then make me a cup of tea. Because you always believed there was nothing a cuppa couldn't solve.
But you were wrong. It can't solve this. Can't make you come back.
14th December, 2008
I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you.
25th December, 2008
Quiet Christmas. First one in so many years without you. Ron and Hermione came over. I didn't put up decorations. Hermione tried to, but I screamed at her and she started crying so then Ron and I got into a row. He left in a huff. I'm glad. Hermione made me dinner and then left too. I threw a couple of glasses around. Shattered them. I'm sitting here in the pieces, struggling to write this at the same time. Bleeding all over the parchment. Feels good. Reminds me I'm still alive. Consider the blood a souvenir for you, wherever you are.
1st January, 2009
Happy New Year, Draco. Wish you could've seen the fireworks with me tonight, as always. They were beautiful. Reminded me of you.
Love you.
23rd February, 2009
Would've been eight years together today. I can still feel your breath on the back of my neck. The way my skin tingled when your fingertips skirted down my bare chest, feather-light touches that made me spark up with electricity. The way you'd feel around my cock, all tight and warm and so fucking good, clenching and inviting me in, my name a prayer on your lips, said over and over again lest you forget.
The way you'd pound me into the wall, and just before you let loose, you'd look me in the eye and clench your fingers in my hair, then growl into my ears in that sweet voice of carnality, "Mine." The way we'd lie in a tangled heap of sticky sheets and cooling sweat and entwined limbs afterwards, just holding fast to our bodies, as if we were the only thing anchoring each other to reality. The way we'd revel in simply listening to the other's heartbeat, a slow thump-thump-thump of pure love; the soft sighs of satisfaction, the murmured whispers and promises of forever.
You lied, Draco Malfoy. You said we'd be together forever. You said you'd never leave me. It's only now that I realize you lied.
16th March, 2009
One whole fucking year of living in this fucking hell-hole. I hope you're happy.
20th June, 2009
Hermione and Ginny came over today, trying to persuade me to give away your stuff. Said it's been over a year now, I should let some of it go. Find closure. Isn't the first time they've tried this.
I still have every single thing. I don't intend to give any of it away. They can fuck off and stick their heads up their arse for all I care.
6th December, 2009
It's been a while since I told you how much I love you. Don't worry though, I think about you all the time. Always have. Always will.
You'll always be the only one for me. There can be no one else. I won't allow anyone else in. You saw me for me, beyond the scar and the fame and the goddamn titles that I never wanted.
No one else will see me the way you did, Draco. No one else will know Harry. But the day you died, a huge part of him did too.
13th February, 2010
I want to buy a Pensieve. Hermione's stopping me. I want to see you again. Properly.
23rd February, 2010
Draco Malfoy, A poem by Harry Potter
If you cannot see something-
Does that still make it real?
If its existence cannot be touched-
How can you be sure of what you feel?
This longing. This need. This desperation.
It all stems from you and those eyes.
Stormy grey. Piercing. Unwavering.
How can I continue believing my lies?
That you're solid, tangible, that you can hear me-
Scream out for you when I'm spiralling down.
That you will be there, surely, to life me up.
Rescue me before I plummet to the ground.
I close my eyes before your inexistence.
I refuse to accept that you will never again stand-
Before me one day and tell me you love me.
Lace your fingers through both of my hands.
Hold me close and whisper words of comfort-
Fix me from what I've slowly become.
Because if I give up this last vestige of hope,
All my broken pieces will come undone.
Took me a while to write this. I wanted to show you what I feel, but in a different way than usual. Are you laughing at my poor attempt at poetry right now? It's okay, I'd grin too if you were here. Still love you, Draco. Happy Anniversary.
18th April, 2010
Guess what? I got a proper Muggle tattoo today! Isn't that great? I told you I'd get one, one day. And now I have. Am I a masochistic sod for saying I liked the pain of the needle jabbing under my skin, in some sadistic, twisted way? Stop laughing. I know you are, you prat.
Don't you want to know what it says? I got it on my right inner arm. I even drew it for you, look:
-1000
50
500-
Exactly like that, just the way I told you I'd get it. This is the best I've felt in months. The daft grin feels good on my face, after ages.
We're forever, now. Properly.
12th March, 2011
I haven't forgotten about the Pensieve.
6th May, 2011
I finally managed to get it. I skimmed through all our memories together, Draco, the millions and millions of them. I've even sorted them out into vials that I've labelled and stored in a special cupboard. It'll be fine. We'll be together again. Don't worry.
15th June, 2011
All I do these days is sit and watch us together in the Pensieve. Hermione's scared. She says I'm losing my mind. I'm not mental. I just want to be with you again, Draco. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not going crazy. I just wanted to hear your voice again. Did I tell I you what a beautiful voice you had? I don't think I ever did. Fuck, Draco, so many things I should've said. But we were always too proud for that. You and me both. And why need words when our gestures did the job just as perfectly?
I just wanted to see you again. Your grey eyes, so beautiful, and those red lips that looked so moist and swollen after I'd finished ravishing you. The hair thatI'dmanaged to muss, your unguarded expressions that were only forme.You're so beautiful, Draco. You still are.
6th July, 2011
Saw the first time you told me you loved me. It was during when we rented that cottage in Wales for the weekend, remember? You said it when we lay underneath the stars, hand in hand. You'd always told me that your mum said that whenever people died, they became stars. I'd wanted to say it to you for weeks before then. But I was such a coward. You've always been braver than me, no matter what everyone else may say. You were always braver where it counted.
Are you a star now, Draco? Are you looking down on me? Or have you already forgotten me? Forgotten what I look like, wherewe lived, how much I love you.
But most importantly, are you happy, wherever you are?
13th August, 2011
First kiss. Beautiful.
5th September, 2011
First time you made love to me. Haven't forgotten how good it felt, yet. Still remember. All the tastes, scents, sounds, touches, sights. Everything. You. Just you.
30th September, 2011
That week in Sicily was just amazing. You've always looked good in swimming trunks. Wish I could see you like that once more and actually be able to touch you and that tanned, sand-prickly, toned body.
2nd October, 2011
Why does Hermione insist on making me see a Healer? I'm not fucking mental. She's an idiot for even insinuating that.
So many memories, and I haven't even seen the best ones yet. I'm never leaving my room.
14th November, 2011
Fuck, Draco, what's happened to me? I threw out the Pensieve last night. She was right, it played with my brain. I smashed it into pieces before I chucked it. Never again. This isn't what you'd have wanted. No.
I'm so sorry, Draco. I can never seem to make you proud.
4th July, 2012
It still hurts, you know. Everyday. Everything I do reminds me of you, somehow. I can't even get through the banalities of the day without a trigger. And I see the rest of them, so happy with their other halves. The knot just twists and twists inside until it's something ugly and I snap. I don't want to feel like I'm grudging them their happiness. But why couldn't I have the same for myself? I wanted that with you. And now it's never going to happen.
21st November, 2012
Time is supposed to heal all wounds. But it isn't. It's just getting worse. I thought it'd be easier with time but it just isn't. Why is that, Draco? Isn't it supposed to get easier? Why isn't it getting easier?
Time isn't healing anymore. It's standing still, and I'm falling, falling, falling. Everyday I'm dying a million different deaths but it doesn't matter because you're not here anymore. I don't want this anymore. I'm done.
5th June, 2013
You're dead, Draco. You're dead. You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Gone. And nothing I do or say can change that. But I love you and I can't bear to be without you and I want to hold you so fucking much ithurts-
But you're dead. You're lying under the ground and you're dead and you're never coming back no matter how many times I scream at the sky to just fucking give you back because you'remineand no one apart from me is allowed to have you because I love you and you're mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. You belong tome, Draco, and I want you back because you know how horrible I've always been with wanting what belongs to me.
And I don't even know why I write you these fucking letters anymore because you'll never see them and never know and they'll never have your slender fingers skit across their surface, tracing my shoddy, tearstained handwriting and humming the words under your breath as you read them; as you always do when you're reading and I know this because I've watched you doing that so many fucking times when you lie curled up in my lap on the armchair with one of those ridiculous novels that I never understand propped up on your thighs; and the way your other hand curves upwards and back into my hair, playing with it without even a thought and it hurts Draco, it hurts so fucking bad to think about all that stuff we used to do because I wish I could get it all back.
I'm so sick, Draco, so sick of living like this, so sick of searching for you everywhere and I can't get this out of my system because it justachesso sodding much and I need you, gods I need you so fucking much; more than I've ever needed you before and all I can think of is how the fuck anyone expects me to get through another moment of being without you when I don't even know how I've lasted these past five years and it's all a haze because I'm not living anymore; not really, and I'm all alone here and you left even when you said you'll never leave me. I died along with you, Draco, I'm right there under the ground with you and I don't even care to bother to pretend I'm not crying these days because I'm broken, so broken; you shattered me and left me and I still want you so much that it's all I can think about these days when I spray your cologne onto your clothes so that they smell like you again but the scent is hollow because it doesn't haveyouand it's just like my screaming, aching heart that can't even seem to beat properly because you broke it Draco, and you left me.
Why did you leave me? I love you so much, Draco, isn't that enough?
Why did you leave me?
Why?
27th December, 2013
Finally found those pictures of our holiday in Paris. Remember? You looked stunning. And I looked so happy. I'm a mess now. Cried myself to sleep last night.
12th March, 2014
So many nightmares. I'm falling through the blackness again and again and again but only this time you aren't there when I wake up, to hold me and tell me that it wasn't real and you're here now and shush, my love, because I'll make it all go away-
I remember that lullaby you used to sing for me in the first few years we were together after the War. When I'd wake up to frames of all those people who died playing over and over again like some fucking broken cd player (and now you're wondering what that is, I know you are, why the fuck didn't I use the time I had to teach you all about Muggle devices? You'd have been so fascinated with them, just like a child with a shiny new toy, you've always been like that). And Sirius kept falling through the veil again and again and again, but you'd rock me slowly in your arms against your bare chest like I was a small, fragile baby and I probably was, because that was when I was at my most vulnerable, whimpering softly, and you'd sing me that same song in that sinfully sweet voice of yours and tell me not to be afraid because you were here now and you loved me.
I never told you this, but I used to dream about your death, too. Those were the nights I'd wake shuddering the most, my arms wrapped around my knees, willing the images to just go away and leave me alone. But I never told you what it was that I saw; that it wasyourpale body lying spread-eagled on the floor, blood pooling around you like some sadistic imitation of the red carpet in our sitting room, because I didn't want to frighten you. Or maybe just because I was too proud. But you never questioned me, not once, and you always gave me comfort unconditionally.
Nothing's changed, Draco. I still have those dreams about you. Except now I'm actually living the nightmare because it's true, all of it, and you aren't there to hold me and sing to me and make it all go away.
3rd August, 2014
It's been so long, Draco. I've tried to hold on, but I can't anymore. I'm so sorry. Everything's a chore these days. I haven't really laughed, not since you died.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I just want it to end. Can't keep facing each day, each moment like it's nothing. I keep hoping something will happen and it'll be okay. Because what's the use of living in a world of magic when you still can't get what you want?
And I'm tired, Draco. So tired. I want to come home. This isn't it anymore. Home is where you are. Not out here.
I don't think I can write these letters anymore. It just hurts too much. It's not fair.
But I still love you. Always have, always will. I'd do anything to see you again, to hold you and kiss you. Anything.
Maybe one day you'll understand, and you'll take pity and release me from this prison. Itisa prison, Draco, because you're not here.
But I still love you. I love you so much.
And don't you ever forget that.
That night, Harry Potter dreamt of grey and gold and kisses and hugs and whispered promises and sweet songs of comfort.
That night, Harry Potter slept soundly for the first time in years.
That night, when Harry Potter finally fell into his blissful oblivion, he didn't wake in the morning.
Several years later, a million miles away, a stack of parchment with bloodstains and teardrops, faded tea rings and frayed edges decayed slowly in a field of trash in a forgotten heap.
Two stars twinkled brightly overhead in the night sky, side by side.
fin.