Warning: Contains graphic depictions of violence (especially in chapter 1) and mentions of death, suicide and blood.
Previously on LOST: Ben didn't kill John. They became lovers instead. After having been seperated due to issues with time-travel they are finally reunited and begin their new life together on the island. [I suggest reading part 2 of this series titled "Time After Time" for a better underdstanding. Parts 1 (Fair Game) and 3 (Pins and Needles) can be considered one-shots that take place in this AU but can be read out of context entirely.]
nightmare[noun] 1. a dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress; 2. an event or experience that is intensely distressing; 3. a demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people.
Daddy, please.
She begs, on her knees, she cries.
Daddy. Daddy. Daddy… she says it over and over again, then he shoots her.
He pulls the trigger without thinking twice.
He watches the bullet enter her skull and exit on the other side of her head.
He can see the blood spatter in every direction, some of it lands on his face.
He tastes her death.
Her eyes full of tears, her crimson face pressed against the walkie-talkie. Again he shoots her.
Again she dies in front of him, because of him. And again it starts all over.
If the island wants her dead, she'll be dead.
Charles Widmore wanted her dead so Ben shoots him. No. He raises his gun, he pulls the trigger, yet as soon as the bullet leaves the barrel of his gun it's not Widmore in front of him but Alex again, his sweet innocent Alex covered in blood and tears.
John is standing above the mass grave of the Dharma Initiative. Ben shoots him but the bullet hits Alex. Desmond is there, he protects his love, his family. Ben shoots him, but the bullet hits Alex. His father is there and so is the stench of alcohol, so are his fists.
It's hard to celebrate on the day you killed your mother.
Ben shoots him, but the bullet hits Alex.
Then he can watch himself, he sees it all happen, he wants it to stop, he yells at himself but he doesn't have a voice. Again and again and again he shoots his own daughter.
A figure stands behind him. Jacob. More like a force than a man, he gives Ben the gun, he points at Alex, he tells him what to do.
It never stops. He has no choice. He kills and kills and kills and kills and kills and….
I hope you're happy now, Jacob.
He points the gun on himself but the bullet hits Alex.
Daddy, please.
Daddy, please.
Daddy, please.
Daddy. Daddy. Daddy.
She's not my daughter. She's a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me.
"Ben, wake up!" John pleaded, shaking him gently.
Covered in sweat and trembling with fear Ben opened his blood-shot eyes. As his lungs ached for oxygen, his heart pounded against John's hands that were resting on his chest like a blanket shielding a child from the evils of the world.
"You were having a nightmare. It's over now. I'm here," John said, holding his boyfriend tightly, and whispered further solace in his ear to make him realise he's awake and safe from whatever horror he had been entangled in just moments ago.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Ben shook his head. His eyes were still those of a man who had been confronted with his biggest fear and was unable to run from it. "Just hold me," he said and leaned his head against John's chest. He made himself as small as possible, pressed his body closer against John's to signal that he wanted to be held tighter and tighter and tighter until he was completely enveloped by the kind of safety only John could offer. Silently he cried, focussing on John's heartbeat to calm himself down until he felt safe enough to close his eyes again.