The City Lights
[JN Set after ['The Bourne Ultimatum' Nicky wondered why she was even there.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot (for this fic that is though I would very much like to own the plot for the films themselves …)
A/N:- This short scene just kept nagging at me so I just had to write it. If you haven't seen it already then I made a Jason/Nicky vid over at YouTube under the username 'MuzzyOlorea'.
You'll know it was me for I cannot sleep
I've pushed away the dreams
And spoiled the quiet
I'm propelled by fear
And not the righteous
Umbrellas – The City Lights
She had waited three years to come back to her home city except now it didn't feel like home at all. She couldn't contact her friends or her family and she had spent so much time travelling around with the CIA, even before she went into hiding, that the place itself felt like it had moved on without her.
She pulled her coat around her closer before sticking her hands in her pocket. It was bitterly cold on the tipping edge of snowing and she began to wonder why she was even here. What was she doing? Paying some kind of homage? Trying to get some closure?
She walked unsurely towards the water and leaned against the railings looking down onto the East River watching as the moving water made the reflection of the city lights sway to and fro. The wind lashed against her face leaving her cheeks stinging and her eyes watering. Maybe she was here because she was hoping he would miraculously rise up out of the water and give her a chance to say all those things that had been building up inside of her throughout the years. Things that she hadn't been able to say during the trip to Tangier. She screwed her eyes up tight in a feeble attempt to stop the tears from falling.
She wanted to make clear to him that just because he had joined the Navy it hadn't meant that he had had to end things with her. She wanted to let him know about the rush she had gotten sitting at her computer on her first day of deployment with the CIA and seeing his photo on the screen. She wanted to tell him how she had felt that a gigantic hole had been drilled into her chest when she had been told that he had been killed whilst on a mission. She wanted to explain to him that she was glad he had found Marie to be there for him when she couldn't. She wanted to describe to him how torn she had felt when they had come face to face with each other for the first time in the safe house in Paris and he had barely given her a second glance. She wanted to let him know about the unbelievable pain she had felt seeing the anger on his face as he aimed a gun at her head, his finger poised on the trigger. She wanted to make him understand that she would have stayed and fought with him if he hadn't told her to run. She wanted to explain to him why saying nothing but silently saying goodbye forever at the coach station in Tangiers was the hardest thing to do at all. She wanted to tell him the hundred and one reasons why she had wanted to help him, the hundred and one times they had been happy together, the hundred and one reasons why she loved him…. But most of all she wanted to tell him that it wasn't fair that he got to not remember anything whilst she had to live with the memories tormenting her daily.
It was snowing now and she could feel the flakes settle on her hair. She knew she should get out of the storm and into the warm and dry but she felt herself rooted to the spot as if she just couldn't quite let go of the past just yet.
"Nicky?"
Her eyes shot open and she spun around. He was there in front of her, in New York, here …… She grabbed hold of the railings behind her and edged away slightly in disbelief. Everything was silent.
It was snowing furiously now and though he was standing only a few paces away she could barely see his navy blue beanie and black overcoat. He took a step forward and he came into focus again.
"Nicky ……" She glanced up but it was too hard, she looked away. "I remember everything."
Her eyes met his.
She suddenly found herself with nothing to say.
End.
A/N:- Reviews are little drops of happiness.