The Dark Before the Dawn
Chapter One: Arrangements
"Do you suppose striking his head caused him some sort of amnesia?"
"I think it's far more likely that the boy, the part of him who could see what was happening but could not take charge, suppressed the memories. Once all of Voldemort was ejected from him, he could no longer keep a tight hold on his feelings and memories because he once again had to deal with the outside world."
"He's refusing to stay in the manor."
"I imagine he would. It would hold a lot of painful memories for him."
"He can no longer communicate with the Demiguise." With satisfaction, Severus saw that he had finally stumped Dumbledore.
"I suppose…it is possible that as the power was imbued to him while he was not in full control of himself that it was stripped when the soul was expressed. Has he lost his ability to heal?"
"I am uncertain. He has not, to my knowledge, attempted it since leaving the hospital wing." Seeing the contemplative look on Dumbledore's look he added swiftly, "You will notbe testing him as you did previously."
"If he does not cooperate it is in the best interests of…"
"This is not Voldemort we are dealing with. It is Potter."
"I thought you called him Harry these days."
"I find it safer not to call him anything at all."
"I do not wish to press him, but where does he intend to stay while he recovers? I don't believe he understands how much of a danger the world presents to him at the moment."
"Once theProphet prints their front page story people will know what happened and he should be safe enough."
"You know better than that, Severus. People will believe what they wish to believe and fear is a wonderfully convincing companion." Severus stared into his cup of tea, frowning at the truth in the statement. In fact the world would become more dangerous for him if the Prophet started to insinuate that he was weak or unlikely to defend himself with Voldemort's soul gone. There would always be people who viewed him with anger, hatred and suspicion. The families of the people Voldemort had killed – they would only be able to see the facade Voldemort had been wearing at the time.
The safest place for him would be at Birch Hall with all of the wards his paranoia, or Voldemort's, had insisted upon. However the near hysterical reaction Severus had gotten when Harry had finally pieced together his clearest memory to the foggiest had thrown that option out of the window. Thrown it out of the window, chased it downstairs and stomped on it.
If Severus was able to judge Harry's abilities and found him still able to defend himself from at least minor attacks, he would have thought Hogwarts was the next safest place. Students might try and seek revenge but Harry could hold them off. It would prevent the wider public for endangering his safety.
Dumbledore let out a quiet sigh and placed his cup down onto its saucer with a clatter.
"I'm afraid the safest place for Harry remains at Birch Hall. It may be some time before we can convince the public that the events which have taken place over the past year were not voluntary actions on his behalf. I have a number of people working on getting the word out but it will be quite a long time before anyone is convinced. The Minister is demanding Harry's immediate arrest you know.
"On top of this, I worry that Harry will require some rehabilitation before he is able to enter society again. The knowledge of what he has done will not sit easily with his conscience."
"He has done nothing. Voldemort was in control of him for the past year," Severus said, a touch of defensiveness in his tone.
"Not for the entire year," Dumbledore said in a tone Severus recognised all too well. His cup stopped halfway to his mouth.
"What do you know?" Dumbledore sighed and got to his feet, walking slowly over to the window and peering over the grounds with a slightly sad slump to his shoulders.
"I do not know anything. This is not a situation we have ever been in before. However I have theories. Things that do not make any sense until we tie them together. Have you thought carefully about the circumstance you find yourself in? You have become Harry's closest confidante. You managed this while it was still under the influence of Voldemort."
"I am hardly his confidante."
"Very well, then it is safe to say that you are the closest person he considers a friend. Perhaps more?" Severus refused to acknowledge the look he was getting. He had done what he had to do in stressful situations, in much the same way that he had when he had been spying on Voldemort. "There is, of course, a chance that this was in part due to Voldemort's own trust in you influencing Harry's trust. However as Voldemort could not have misunderstood your betrayal at the final battle, it seems much more likely that Harry was the one who placed his trust in you." It seemed misleading to Severus to call the debacle which had begun the downward spiral in Harry's life the 'final' battle.
"You are not telling me anything I have not already surmised, Albus."
"Patience, my friend. Or are you so eager to return to Mr Potter? I understood that you believed him settled at Birch Hall until your return."
"I would advise against calling him Mr Potter. I believe his outburst in the hospital wing reflects his frustration at suddenly being treated as though he is a student again." Severus did not address the reason that he knew he could get away with calling Harry 'Potter'. "And I believe I have convinced him to await my return before fleeing but we both know that he has a tendency to select the stupidest course of action and charge in head first."
"You do not believe that is still true after his experiences of the past year?" Dumbledore had an amused half-smile on his face as he peered at Severus over his cup.
"Perhaps not," Severus admitted. "I will still feel more comfortable when I can see it for myself." The headmaster wisely avoided bring up any mention of Severus' protectiveness of Harry.
"To bring this conversation back to the point. Your relationship with Harry improved his control over his own mind and body. Yes, I believe that at times Harry had control over his own actions. When he could muster the will to fight back. I doubt that Voldemort would have baulked at killing children and yet many of the children of men and women he murdered in the past year still survive.
"Harry saved them. Similarly, when you touched him you said it caused him great pain but he seemed much more himself afterwards. I believe, a I have said, that your ... concern...for him brought Harry forward while Voldemort struggled to comprehend such emotions."
'Very delicately put,' Severus thought to himself with a quiet snort. He would never put forth his one dispute with Dumbedore's argument: When he had first kissed Harry the boy had not been in pain.
"You might wonder why sometimes Harry did not feel pain when you tried to draw him to the front?" Dumbledore went on in a tone so conversational he might be talking about his favourite brand of tea. "I believe that there may have been times when your own anger fed Voldemort while your...concern...fed Harry. It balanced, as it were. Voldemort could not understand love but anger was an emotion he was well equipped to deal with."
"You know too much, Albus," Severus said, throwing an uneasy glance at the clock behind him.
"You are anxious to get back to Harry, I understand. I will not detain you any longer. What are your intentions regarding his living situation?'
"I think he needs to remain at Birch Hall, at least for now. I will try and convince him to stay. Perhaps if I assure he that I will reside at Birch Hall with him for a short while to make certain that Voldemort does not return it will calm him. I believe he harbours some sort of feeling that Voldemort's soul remains trapped there."
"It is gone," Dumbledore said, his voice firm and certain. "Where I could feel his soul linger after his attempt to kill Harry as a baby, I cannot feel it anymore. It was Harry's love for Norbert which was too strong for Voldemort. It destroyed him."
"You didn't feel him while he took over Harry," Severus replied cooly, getting to his feet. Part of him could not help but blame the headmaster – so apparently omniscient – from failing Harry in this regard. The headmaster's face was full of regret and self recrimination as he responded,
"I believed the power to be Harry's own and did not look past that soon enough. Severus, you must remember before your promise to remain at Birch Hall with Harry that the school term is shortly about to resume. I really do require my potions master back." The look Severus gave Dumbledore as he stepped into the fireplace could have withered a thousand year old oak.
It had been two weeks since Harry had left Hogwart's hospital wing and arrived back at Birch Hall. He had spent most of those two weeks locked up in his bedroom trying to sort through the onslaught of half-finished memories flooding back to him. The door had only remained locked as long as Severus was willing to give him privacy, of course. He found the man had the uncanny ability to appear just as he began to feel entirely overwhelmed.
Hermione and Ron had both attempted to see him but had been told that under no circumstances would their presence help matters and that Harry would see them when he was ready.
He was never going to be ready.
Harry's hand trembled as it lifted a glass of water and he sipped it without knowing why he was drinking. The screams of people he had tortured and murdered rang in his head.
"Voldemort," Severus reminded him as he stepped through the fire and into the study. Harry jumped and sent his water spraying across the carpet. "You were blaming yourself once again for the actions of Voldemort." Harry did not answer but leapt again as Dobby appeared with a crack, a fresh glass of water, and quickly cleaned up the old one. "Would you take responsibility if Voldemort had committed these murders in his own body?" The argument was an old one already and Harry chose not to respond.
"Can I leave now?" he asked, his voice betraying his exhaustion. Severus slipped into a seat and glared at Dobby as the house elf clattered around, every noise making Harry flinch.
"Where do you intend to go with the entire wizarding world howling for your blood?" The question was meant to jolt Harry out of his foolish ideas but from the disturbing flicker on his face, Severus suspected that the idea was not as repugnant as it should have been. "Believe me, they would regret killing their saviour sooner or later. If you must be self sacrificing consider how terrible they would feel then." Sarcasm touched the words and it was apparent that Severus could not give less of a damn about what other people felt.
"I don't care where I go. I don't want to be here. This house stinks of him," Harry's voice was torn between fury and begging. "I feel like I am going to run into him as I turn a corner." He bit his lip and it was clear that he was stifling himself from finishing his train of thought.
"Voldemort is gone. He can't control you any more." In another man, Severus' voice might have been gentle.
"Terrific, well I want to be gone too. So if you're done treating me like a dog told to sit and stay, I'll be leaving." Harry got to his feet but despite his words, he did not have the energy for genuine anger and swayed where he stood.
"Sit back down, Potter," Severus said sharply. The violent flinch and immediate obeying of his words startled and concerned him. It was getting worse each time he saw Harry. The man seemed convinced of an attack but his fear contradicted his apparent readiness for one in the outside world. "I believe it is important that you remain here, for another month." He had determined that offering a specific time frame might calm Harry's protests, though what they would do after a month he was not sure. "It is important for you to recuperate." Raising a hand to stifle Harry's protests he added, "I will remain here with you, if you wish. I assure you I am perfectly capable of recognising the symptoms if Voldemort were to return, which he will not." Hope sprung in Harry's eyes, but it was a sick kind of hope and Severus knew immediately what he was going to ask.
"If...if he came back, sir, you'd...you'd...destroy him?" the desperation in Harry's voice showed that he held no fantasies about a white knight coming to do his dirty work for him. He wanted Severus to kill him if Voldemort repossessed him.
'Albus, you'd better be right about this,' Severus swore silently.
"If he came back," he agreed, the words falling reluctantly from his lips. Harry slumped back in his seat.
"Very well then, sir. I'll stay for another month." It made Severus feel increasingly awkward to hear Harry calling him sir instead of Severus. He had become used to thinking of Harry as a man, perhaps even a friend, and Harry's insistence since he awoke of calling him sir since Voldemort had been forced from his body. He supposed it was rather awkward to awake from that sort of half daze to remember everything Severus had had to do to keep him tied to the real world. With consideration for this, Severus had made every effort to keep a respectable distance between himself and Harry.
Harry shivered and very slowly levered himself out of his seat. Severus had to remind himself that his help would not be appreciated and stayed seated as Harry slowly made his way towards the fire. It seemed to be a relief to drop his weight onto one knee once he arrived and then he did something Severus could not recall him doing in over a year, he pulled out his wand to perform a basic incendio spell. A blaze shot up in the fireplace and Harry's shivering slowed.
"You used your wand," Severus commented quietly.
"Yes, sir," Harry mumbled.
"You do not have to call me sir, you know Harry," Severus said carefully. Unable to find a reply which could put into words the reasons for his sudden submission, Harry decided to focus his energy into pushing himself up from the ground again and slowly trekking back to his seat. The slight spell made his nerves shiver but he wasn't sure if it was due to his slow recovery or because he still felt as though he might lose control with every spell he cast. That the next one might be meant to kill.
'I suppose this answers Albus' question about the rest of his powers,' Severus considered gravely. 'If he cannot light a fire without being right in front of it.' He was curious to know if Harry had also lost his healing powers but it was apparent that now was not the right time to ask.
"This Minister has been asking after you, you know," he said conversationally.
"Wants me locked up and the key thrown away I suppose," Harry said dully. "Can't say I blame him."
"Self-pity is such a good look for you, Potter," Severus said snarkily. Kindness and compassion did not come easily to him and took up so much of his energy that to have it thrown back in his face was becoming increasingly frustrating. His comment did not stir Harry to protest or anger. On the contrary, he looked thoroughly chided and distressed.
"I'm sorry, sir. Maybe...maybe you should just leave. You have done more than enough for me and...isn't it almost time for Hogwarts' new term to begin? Surely they can't have found another potions master?"
"I will be returning to Hogwarts at the beginning of the term, it is still a week away. However, I can easily floo back here at night. Or less often. Just to reassure you that you have not been taken over by an evil force once more." It was a poor attempt at a joke and did not get so much as a smirk from Harry. Indeed the man had stiffened and was now peering towards the door with a look of anguish on his face. Severus twisted in his seat to find Augurey outlined in the door, the Demiguise looking uncertain.
The ape like creature had been making an effort to avoid Harry since seeing his friend's distress at being unable to communicate with him. It was not difficult for a creature from whose coat invisibility coats were made. His entering now told Severus that something was wrong. He did not need to be able to understand the Demiguise's language to understand the frantic gesture with those great hairy hands. There was a mob coming.
"Thank you, Augurey. I don't think we need to worry. The wards are still in place. Aren't they?" Severus glanced at Harry who was still staring at his old friend.
"They...aren't as strong...as they were," he mumbled. "I don't...the power told hold them is...a lot." It was the least reassuring answer Harry could have given and Severus got to his feet.
"Perhaps we should retire to the room behind Cason's portrait?" he suggested to Harry.
"I thought this was meant to be the safest place for me," Harry replied without sarcasm.
"Part of it being safe is having places to retreat to," Severus pointed out. When Harry made no move to seek a safer room, Severus finally sat back down.
"You should go. If they find you here...well you were under suspicion with Voldemort anyway..." The potions professor shot Harry his best withering look at made no move to leave the room.
"I doubt they will make it very far, you have friends in the forest and your wards are still good."
"That would be much more reassuring if you hadn't just tried to flee."
"I do not flee, Potter." Severus glared at the young man who actually gave him a lopsided grin, albeit a short one.
"You just beat a hasty retreat?" Harry joked before the humour left him. Augurey had left the room, presumably to check on the progress of the angry people. "I suppose this means word has gotten around that I'm not the big bad wolf anymore. Ah, I guess you didn't have those kinds of stories when you were a child." Severus had looked confused momentarily but been caught up as he realised that Harry was right – people knew Voldemort was gone. Their first instinct was to attack. He felt a sudden wave of derision and anger at the human race. "Maybe...maybe it would be better if they did just kill me. It would mean Voldemort couldn't come back, it would make sure." Harry looked dejected but as though he fully believed what he was saying. Severus' anger grew.
"Very well, go and throw yourself on your sword like a good self-sacrificing Gryffindor," he sneered. What he had expected was Harry sulking, or immediately backing down. What he got was Harry giving a slow nod and very carefully picking himself out of his chair. His slow shuffle towards the door convinced Severus that this was not a bluff. He actually intended to hand himself over to the lunatics outside the gates.
"Idiotic man," Severus sprung from his chair and grabbed Harry's wrist as he tried to go past. A frantic look of fear and pain enveloped Harry but he did not tug away as Severus' grip on his wrist grew tighter. "Why do you insist on turning yourself into some kind of self-sacrificing martyr for the wizarding world? Voldemort is dead. You have played your part."
"He could come back. I need to stop that happening," Harry rasped tiredly.
"I cannot believe that I forgot that your ego is so large that you assume the entire world revolves around you," Severus snapped, not once releasing his grip on Harry's wrist. He had so often wanted to shake sense into the man in the past year that it was a relief to finally have the chance. "Voldemort did not choose you because you are the perfect vessel, or because you are so powerful and brave and people just swoon as you walk past. You were the closest body to him. You were the one person who could destroy him and he thought of a way to rid himself of two problems at once. A fresh start for him, with no pesky hero trying to kill him.
"If it hadn't been you it could have been anyone else. It was Quirrel, or have you so soon forgotten that lesson?" Harry had frozen and was listening to Severus in a sort of trance. "Your death will not doing anything but assuage some people's idea of justice – murdering you is just that, murder. You have not done anything wrong and in time everyone else will learn that." He finally released Harry's wrist – their skin stuck to each other for a moment – and Harry took the wrist up to rub at it gently. Severus wanted to snap that he had not hurt him, but Harry's manner was not accusing him of such.
"So you'll stay. At least until the school semester starts?" Harry asked, taking a deep breath.
"If you avoid running off to meet mobs of idiots, then yes, I'll stay."
"What if I want to see Hermione and Ron?"
"Two people does not count as a mob, Potter." The thought that Harry might want to see his friends gave Severus hope as he carefully steered Harry back to his seat. It might be a long way off, Harry might have been joking, but his ability to say their names and to acknowledge that they were his friends, well it was a good first step.