It's amazing how much one's life can change in ten years. I had just graduated high school when I first posted this story, so if it seems a little "old" you know why. I just figured it was time to start posting these fics here on fanfiction(dot)net.
I've left the original Author's Notes in here for posterity, they just might give a bit of laugh.
Ja!
Usa
Original Author's Notes: Welcome Minna to my newest story! This one is based off the song on Mariah Carey's Butterfly album called "Close My Eyes". It's a beautiful song and it reminds me so much of Usa that it isn't even funny. Enjoy!
Usa
SMSMSM
Close My Eyes
By: Usagi Carter
Last Revised: August 14, 2001
Rated: PG
SMSMSM
I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know
But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though times rolled by
Still I feel like that child
As I look to the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon
SMSMSM
Usagi stood on the balcony of Mamoru's apartment and watched the moon rise above Tokyo. She felt weary as she looked to the place that so long ago had been home. 'A much simpler time to be alive' she thought to herself as the moon's rays bathed her in their light.
She knew the others were worried about her; they had been for some time, especially Setsuna, Raye, and Mamoru. Ever since the battle with Galaxia she'd been too jumpy to really settle back into normal life. 'My life has never really been normal' she thought sourly. 'And it never will be.' She had a lot of bitterness toward her destiny but most was not because of her wanting her own normal life. She'd wanted her children, after finding about her own past, to have a normal, carefree childhood.
Tears threatened to spill from her eyes as she thought about the children, who at this point only counted Chibi-Usa, which she and Mamoru would have. 'They won't ever have a normal childhood. Despite what Setsuna says about our actions constantly changing the future, Chibi-Usa will still go through the Dark moon, Death Busters, Dead Moon Circus, and Galaxia nightmares. No amount of wishing I do or power I have can change that!' she silently cursed. She knew there were other battles that her baby would be involved in. It made her heart ache with hurt and swell with pride. No matter what, Chibi-Usa would become a wonderful, caring, loving person because of the experiences. She would see to that.
'They'll shape her, all of her - mind, body, soul, heart - just as they've shaped me and minna. We wouldn't be who we are if not for the battles fought, won and lost.'
SMSMSM
Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget
As I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And the times rolled by
Still I feel like a child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon
SMSMSM
The music from the stereo in Mamoru's living room floated on the wind, engulfing Usagi. The words slammed into her like nails being hammered into wood.
In many ways she was but a child herself still. Because of her destiny, she'd been forced to grow up considerably fast in two years. 'Being the future ruler of everything in sight sometimes put a cramp in the role of being a teenager' she thought passively.
Usagi heard the soft thumps of Mamoru's socked feet as he came onto the balcony. She smiled. 'He's the reason I go through this all and never give up' she thought as his arms encased her waist in a hug. His chin nestled in-between her odangos, Mamoru pulled her tightly against him.
He knew she was battling personal demons, ones he couldn't keep from hurting her. "Usako," Mamoru started before she hushed him.
"Two years of growing up faster than I would have preferred. Two years of learning more than I had in a whole lifetime. Two years of experiences, both good and bad. Some I wouldn't change for the world while others I could have done without. The only thing I regret is having you and Chibi-Usa involved in the fighting," Usagi said as Mamoru held her securely.
"If we hadn't, none of us would be who we are today. It was a part of us all growing into who we will be for the rest of our lives. As much as you would have liked to keep us all from battle, you have to understand it was for our own good."
"I know. Mamo-chan, I wish Small Lady, most of all, could have a normal childhood. I don't want her to have to go through any of it, demo I know it's for her own good. I just feel like I'm failing her by not being able to prevent it," she sobbed as he turned her to face him. She buried her head in his chest and continued to cry.
"I know. I feel the same way," he whispered as he did the only thing he knew to try and comfort her - he held her and rocked her. Mamoru picked Usagi up, and took her into his room. Carefully avoiding waking her, he laid her down on his bed and covered her. He sat next to her, watching as she feel into a deep sleep.
Before Usagi was completely gone, she revealed one of her biggest fears to Mamoru. "Mamo-chan, sometimes it feels like I'm never going to become the woman we saw in the future, like I'm never going to stop being a child," she whispered.
"You will in time Usako. You've started that road and already been on it for two years," Mamoru whispered back to her through the darkness of his room.
SMSMSM
Nearing the edge
Oblivious I almost
Fell right over
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child falling inside
Was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I
Woke up in time
Guardian Angel I
Sail away on an ocean
With you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you're still alive
(You're always alive)
SMSMSM
Usagi woke up during the night and discovered she was still at Mamoru's. She smiled when she noticed him sleeping comfortably next to her. "Always there when I need you most," she whispered as she cuddled close to him. Mamoru responded by wrapping his arm around her.
"Usako," he whispered sleepily. She smiled, knowing he called her name because he was dreaming of her.
"Oh Mamo-chan, you're the only one who can make me feel like a true adult," Usagi whispered as she laid her head back on his chest.
When Mamoru awoke the next morning, he panicked. Usagi wasn't in his room and after a careful examination he found she wasn't in his apartment. He grabbed the phone and immediately called Raye. "Moshi moshi?" Raye said upon answering the phone.
"It's me. Is Usagi with you?"
"Hai. She's out in the garden, meditating before school. Calm down Mamoru-san, she's all right."
"I found out what's been bothering her," he supplied.
"Our future, hai, I know. She told me when she knocked on my door at six o'clock this morning. Give her time, it's all any of us can do at the moment."
"She says she feels like she'll never become the woman we know as Neo Queen Serenity."
"She already is partially. She's got to grow a lot more still," Raye spoke calmly, a smile lighting her face.
"Arigato Raye. Please tell her I'll meet her at Crown after school."
"Of course. Sayonara."
"Sayonara." Mamoru breathed out a huge sigh of relief and then went to get ready.
SMSMSM
After school that afternoon, the entire team met up at Crown and hung out together. It was nice to just be the teenagers they were. It was Raye who brought up the problem on everyone's mind. "Usa, do you remember what we talked about this morning?" she asked as Usagi's head shot up, her gaze leaving the delicious chocolate shake Mamoru had gotten her.
"H-hai. Why?"
"Because as a group we need to discuss it. We've all given you the space we knew you needed demo, we are here to help you through it, and anything else that comes up. Please, talk to us."
"I-I don't know how to talk about this very well," Usagi said as she bowed herhead, her brain agonizing over how to explain to them what she was feeling.
"Usa-chan, we know you feel like you haven't progressed at all since you became aware of your destiny, demo, you're wrong," Haruka said, startling the others. She wasn't one to give praise to often; especially to those she thought needed a lot of work.
"Ruka-chan is right, Usa. You've grown so much; even in the small amount of time we've known you. You have demonstrated all the abilities it takes to rule. Gentleness," Michiru started and the others caught on to what she was doing. "No matter what you've always been gentle in spirit."
"Fairness. You've always given everyone a chance, and more when you knew they needed it." Makoto said.
"Strength, both physical and emotional. We've all been through a lot, demo you've had more thrown at you than any of us could deal with." Haruka supplied.
"Determination," Amy delivered, a smile lighting her face. "I've never known you to really truly give up in a situation or give up on anyone.
"Passion," Raye smiled to her. "I've always known you to fight for what you believe is right despite the arguments from others."
"Faith," Setsuna spoke softly, surprising everyone with the knowledge that she'd said anything worth contributing in the first place. They all knew her unspoken rule of not interfering. "Never have you lost faith in your abilities or those around you whom you love beyond all realms.
"Patience," Hotaru smiled. "Even when things weren't exactly how you wanted, you had the patience to wait for them to change." Hotaru turned her stare pointedly at Mamoru, letting everyone know what she was talking about.
"Heart. To be a good ruler you have to have a big, true heart. You've got the biggest heart of anyone we know. You always lead with it, and not you're head. 99.9 percent of the time your heart has been right where we've all been wrong," Minako said, surprising everyone.
"And love. You can't be a good leader or ruler without a lot of love. I know for a fact you love with every fiber of your being. You've given the nine of us more love than our real families or anyone else ever has," Mamoru said as he squeezed her shoulders.
Tears were in her eyes as each compliment and view was realized and taken in to consideration. They were right. "I never knew that you saw me that way minna. I've never seen myself like that," Usagi whispered.
"Usa," Hotaru said as she gripped Usagi's hand across the table. "Hime-chan, you are the most important person to all of us. You're the reason we do what we do. We know how much peace means to you and we don't want anything to ruin your peace. We haven't always succeeded at it, demo we try."
"I know. Minna, you are my strength, the reason I get up and do what I have to. Thank you. I've learned so much from you all, never realizing it's helped me grow. I'm scared though," Usagi whispered as she leaned against Mamoru.
"So are we demo we know that as long as you're here, there's hope," Raye said as she reached for Usagi's other hand.
"Arigato," Usagi said as she closed her eyes for a moment to breath in the assurance and power emanating from her friends. Above all else though, she felt their love for her.
SMSMSM
As I close my eyes
Steady my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And though times roll by
Still I feel like a child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon