NO MORE PAIN!
Marvel owns these characters I have no intention of profit!
*AUTHORS NOTE: So I have always been a hardcore Gambit Fan from the X-Men and always will be. That said when I saw CAWS in the Movie theater I instantly ran home and started reading Fan fiction and knew I wanted to write my own story and version of Bucky's recover as I love the Hurt/Comfort bro love! This is NON-SLASH but Heavy on the Friendship, Devotion, Loyalty and Love.
The story is rated T but there are a few chapters I will rate M for non-graphic depictions of Non-Con sexual abuse and violence. This story is completed as I have been writing it for four months and am now editing. Every time I edit I will post a chapter so expect very regular up dates. Also I was influenced by a number of great stories that are on this archive and will give them props for their inspiration.
Lauralot- And I am Always with You!
Jee oto Huttuk koga- Simple Conversations
ChibMuffin999- Even Heroes Bleed
Your stories and depiction's of Bucky's recovery have directly influenced aspects of the way I crafted this tale and I am thankful!
Reviews are always appreciated! I am dyslexic and antsy to publish after so long of writing so forgive minor grammar and spelling mistakes. Much Love!
One Republic "Feel Again"
It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I had 'til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that's been on the run
Heart's still beating but it's not working
It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb
But with you
I feel again
Yeah, with you
I can feel again
I'm feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I broke 'til my feet went numb
Praying like a fool just shot the gun
Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh, my heart is numb
But with you
I feel again
Yeah, with you
I can feel again
...
Steve Rodgers, known to friends and foe alike as Captain America, rubbed his weary eyes as he drove the last few miles back to his apartment in DC. It had been a truly exhausting few weeks since he left the hospital after his recovery, determined to track down The Winter Soldier formally his best friend Bucky. Sam had helped him, the two of them chasing down every lead fed to them by Natasha, Stark, Fury, and almost every other super human individual and team he could contact. But after traveling around the country and even contacting his allies in Europe, Africa and Asia, Steve reconciled that if the "Ghost" assassin did not want to be found, he would not be found.
Cap round the last corner toward his apartment complex considering his next move to be made first thing in the morning. He had not wanted to attract national and international news and jointly the attention of Hydra but he was at a loss and was seriously contemplating a press conference about what had occurred less then a month ago and the baffling realization that yet another one of America's long lost heroes was resurrected from his untimely grave. Steve parked his bike and shook his head, realizing that despite the major hit Hydra took, and despite the "disbanding" of SHIELD, in reality both of those shadow agencies would love to get their hands on Bucky and continue to use him as a mindless, lethal weapon, devoid of his humanity and deprived of his much deserved freedom. He imagined SHEILD would keep it a secret if they got him and If discovered would justify it by clamming he was too dangerous to be released and it was for the good of the American people and the international community alike that he be kept under lock and key. Hydra,... well he already knew what they would do.
Feeling more helpless and frustrated then he could ever remember, he parked his bike, slung his duffel bag over his arm and headed up the stairs. His mind was still racing, replaying the events on the Helicarrier, the blurry image of a metal hand dragging him up from the water and dumping him on the beach. Despite the doubt shared by Sam and Natasha he knew that Bucky had saved him, and judging by the confusion and pain in his friend's eyes he also knew that even after 70 years of being frozen, brainwashed, experimented on, memory loss and other unimaginable horrors, the man he had known since child hood was still in there , trapped inside the Slave Soldier who seemed to operate more on command and instinct then any real thought, feeling or self awareness.
Steve took out his keys and unlocked his door, stumbling in and dropping his bag with a sigh. He didn't bother turning on the lights as he walked through the kitchen and into the living room toward his bed room. Steve stopped dead in his tracks as he suddenly became aware of heavy breathing coming from the darkest corner in the room. His head jolted up and he turned just in time to see the figure lunge toward him with a knife in his metal hand, eyes wide and desperate.
"BUCKY!" Steve yelled in a mixture of surprise and a call to stop his attempted murder. Quickly Captain America side stepped the attack, grabbing the knife and throwing the Winter Soldier to the ground in one swift motion. Instantly he was prepared for the deadly assassin to jump back up and resume his attack but watched in uncertainty as the Solider struggled up onto his knees wheezing and shaking. With pain filled grunts the man lifted him self and turned to face Steve, stumbling and swaying on his feet. Steve straitened his posture and studied the man before him trying to asses his threat level as well as what condition he was in.
Bucky stood on unsteady legs wearing dirty, tattered clothes that he might have found in a dumpster if the smell was any indication. His long dark hair was stringy and hanging in his face that was covered in sweat despite the coolness of the evening air that blew in from the open window, the point of access if Steve had to make an educated guess. The solider stood hunched over and shaking as he labored for breath, piercing blue eyes stared back at Steve unable to mask his obvious pain and distress.
"I know you!" The Soldier's tone was hostile and full of angst and confusion, the statement held an unspoken question demanding an answer. He looked at the knife that was now in Steve's hand then back at Steve's eyes, as if asking, 'Will you kill me now?' As an answer Steve slowly and calmly placed the knife on the counter to his right, his eyes remaining on his unwell friend. Just as slowly he raised both hands then spoke with deliberate words and tone.
"It's okay Bucky!... I am not going to fight you and I am not going to hurt you!... You know me because I am your friend!" Steve's voice almost sounded pleading as his eyes communicated their own desperation. The Winter Soldier stared, eyes squinted as if he was trying to look harder at Steve to see through his own uncertainty and gain a greater clarity of the truth.
"Weapons do not have friends!... You are my mission!" The Soldier argued back while still breathing heavy.
"I was your mission,...But then you saved me Bucky! You do know me!... And that is why you are here!" Steve offered still with a cautious tone and distance.
"I am here to finish my mission!" The Soldier spat and he threw himself forward again but was just as easily deflected and once more was on the ground. He let out an anguished cry as he again struggled to his feet and turned toward Steve. The Solider could not hide the chaos inside his head and the torrent of confusion and dysfunction he was experiencing was evident on his face. He looked like he might break down and cry or scream in hatred and attack again. In truth he was on the edge of both. For weeks now he had been wandering and trying to piece together a plan or mission for himself, a purpose. He knew that he was suppose to return to Hydra, even if his Handler was terminated,... it was the orders ingrained into him and yet he purposely failed his mission by saving Captain America, a man who's face was more familiar then his own.
"Bucky,...Please,... your sick,... or hurt?... I can help you Buck!... I want to help you not fight you!" Steve sighed, as he once again put his arms open and palms up, standing tall and making direct eye contact. The Soldier was panting and his fists were clenched, glaring at Steve through his long unkept hair. His eyes communicated his need and want to believe Steve but there was so much else going on below the surface. He brought both hands up to his head and grabbed his hair white knuckled as he let out another frustrated cry.
"You...are...my...mission,...I must follow orders,... (I am a weapon,... A weapon must complete the mission!... Why do I hesitate to kill him!) Bucky's words started out stuttered and confused and then he began mumbling to himself in Russian as he squeezed his eyes tight and began rocking were he stood, hands yanking on his hair as if the pain might snap him out of his confusion.
The day that he dragged Steve out of the water and onto the beach, his head had been spinning with thoughts and glimpses of a life he knew but didn't remember and for the first time he made the choice to abandon his mission. Knowing that this would not at all be excepted by Hydra and that returning meant severe punishment and reprogramming along with another memory wipe. The Soldier had made a conscious decision, an act of free will that felt terrifying and right at the same time. The Winter Soldier had disconnected the tracking beacon that was installed in his arm, and realized that he must have actively payed attention to where it was located for just such a reason.
The first few days he had spent in hiding aware that he was most likely being sought by any number of individuals and agencies. The Weapon had withdrawn into himself as he had done before when he was not following orders or completing a directive. He found himself replaying the words spoken by the man, his mission , Captain America and he practiced saying the name,... his name, James Buchanan Barns out loud but the familiarity was coupled by a fearful anxiety and discomfort when ever the words passed through his lips. In search for answers he had been to the Smithsonian and had seen the information about this Bucky person but he didn't know how to integrate this new knowledge into his perception of self. He had existed for so long as Hydra's weapon that this other identity seemed more like a long forgotten dream.
After wandering around the shadows and observing Steve from afar he realized that the man,...or was it mission,... was looking for him. The Soldier had also started to notice his body malfunctioning despite his active hydration almost within 72 hours of breaking contact with Hydra and going AWOL. In his limited thinking and concept of well being he knew he was no longer fully operational and there for needed to be fixed. Reluctantly he began considering his options for self preservation and his mind instantly urged him to return to Hydra. However he knew returning to Hydra with out completing his mission was not an option as he reminded himself that he was sure to receive a very severe and deserving punishment for his reckless and undisciplined behavior. In truth he did not want to return to Hydra or the painful chair that made him forget and kept him from thinking beyond his immediate orders,... but on the other hand he was in pain now and his body was breaking down. In conjunction his confusion and uncertainty of purpose created a feeling of anxiety and desperation. This internal turmoil coupled with the dysfunction of his body pushed him to the point where he needed to act immediately before he was completely broken and destroyed beyond repair. With out knowing what else he could do he went to his mission's apartment and waited crouched in the shadows. His plan was simple, A) I kill him and return to Hydra, accept my punishment and the chair, then after being fixed go back to the frozen coffin where I can finally rest and not think. B) Captain America kills me and I no longer suffer or think about who I am or what my purpose is, C) Captain America,... My mission,... tries to save me,... like I saved him,... Like he saved me,...before? At the moment it would appear option C was in play and while it brought with it an onslaught of feelings he did not understand he also felt some relief because despite every impulse he had to kill this target, a deep feeling that he was never aware of before fought against that order. Now the control was no longer in his hands and he could finally accept his fate, however it was dealt.
Steve felt his throat get tight and his eyes wet at seeing his best friend, a man who had stood tall and helped him at his most vulnerable,... now reduced to this confused and broken man. But he knew Bucky was struggling, he knew that he just needed to speak in terms the Soldier could understand and then perhaps he could gain his trust and the healing could begin.
"Well,... Hydra has failed,... your Mission has no purpose,... who do you look to for orders now?" Steve's voice carried an authoritative tone, playing on The Soldiers need for direction. The tone took The Soldier off guard and he let go of his head and opened his eyes blinking as he considered the correct response.
"My Handler,... he is...dead,... Hydra will give me a new Handler." The Soldier reasoned as he leaned against the wall, the weight of his body too great and his fatigue too strong.
"No,...Hydra has fallen,... They are no longer in control of you,... I am now your Handler!" Steve stated with certainty, leaving no room for question although internally he hated what he was saying. He desperately wanted to embrace his friend and tell him he was sorry for every thing and tell him he was,...is a real person who dose not need a handler or anyone else giving him orders. But he needed to get on the level that his friend could understand, he needed to reach him and make him stay,... keep him safe.. and hopefully stop him from attacking again.
The Winter Soldier looked up in almost shock but as the idea settled in his brain he felt a sudden sense of relief, acceptance and even gratitude. He had wanted to follow this man, this Steve since,... well since the first time he could remember seeing him although the moment is not specific, but the feeling was strong. He felt an implicit trust and a deep need for connection to this man on a level he had never even contemplated with another human before. He did not want to hurt Steve let alone kill him but then, he never wanted to kill anyone,... he was just never given another option. The rightness of this solution felt like nothing he could remember. It was a familiar and comfortable alliance in a way Hydra had never been. However, he had to remind himself that he had just attacked his new Handler and almost killed him and his fellow combatants before. The Solider looked Steve in his eyes with a glimmer of hope and need.
"You can fix me?... I am not fully operational,...I am malfunctioning." He stammered with an edge of desperation and pain that made Steve want to scoop him up into his arms and run to the nearest hospital.
"Yes,... I will fix you,... I will help you be better then a weapon,... I will help you be the man you really are!" Steve stated with supreme certainty and conviction, knowing that Bucky would need his strength and his patience to recover from this prolonged nightmare. Bucky took a step forward then looked up suddenly and asked with a desperate voice.
"Can I remember?...I...I need to remember...I.." He stammered feeling caught off guard by his own question and certain he would be punished for asking,... but then he was already going to be punished anyway. He lowered his eyes as his body shook from the effort of standing, He felt so weak and defenseless he hoped the punishment would be short.
"Yes,...I promise you Bucky,... I will help you remember,... no one will take that away from you ever again!" Steve's voice chocked, his hard, commanding voice breaking at his friends desperate request that had ended with a hung head as if the question was out of line and he had no right to ask it. That was all he needed and The Winter Soldier was sold,...his anguished mind rejoiced and his weary body collapsed as he fell onto his knees in front of his new Handler. He was ready to accept his punishment and what ever pain he deserved because Steve would fix him and let him keep his memories, something he could never have asked for before.
"I am ready for my punishment." The Soldier said with a content sigh of relief as he let his head drop and his arms go limp. Steve looked down with heart break at the man before him, accepting whatever pain he thought he deserved for,... for what?
"I don't... Why would you be punished?" Steve asked with a tone of great sadness and anguish, his fists clenched as a tear slipped down his cheek. Bucky did not raise his head but simply stated his reply in a mechanical voice.
"A weapon may not harm it's Handler,..." Bucky braced him self for the strike, or the electric prod, or the whip, or the,... he wasn't sure what else but he knew he had been punished before and he knew that it hurt. What he was not expecting was to feel two hands on either side of his face lifting his gaze as Stave dropped to his own knees.
Despite his best efforts Steve could not keep up the role as Captain in dealing with his broken and abused friend. His eyes shown bright with tears and he made sure that the confused and questioning gaze of the Soldier was locked on his own. His voice quivered with emotion but held a strength and sincerity the Soldier again was unaccustomed to but instantly felt comforted by.
"Never again!... You will not be punished,... you will not have your memories stollen,... your life stollen,... Never again will I let anyone hurt you Bucky!... I am here for you now and forever!... I will look after you, take care of you, fix you, make you better,... heal your wounds and help you become a whole person again!...You are not a weapon,... you are a Soldier, a Person,... my best friend!... No more pain,...No more...no more...no more..." His words grew softer as the lethal Hydra assassin fell forward into his arms, his forehead pressed against Steve's chest as he let out a muffled cry,... the most human expression of feeling he had experience yet. His body shook as his brain attempted to process these words and understand their meaning. Despite his hesitation and his programming he knew the truth when he heard it,... he knew this man,... He knew Steve.
Captain America embraced his long lost friend and held on tight, tears flowing down his own face as he repeated the words 'no more', making a promise he would keep at all costs. He got him back, his best friend was back from the dead and had been living in hell for as long as The Captain had been asleep. He held on tight, not daring to let go,... not willing to break contact.