Mission Control
A/N – Several months ago, I got a request to write a fic with the Bad Touch Trio doing what they do best. I forgot to write it until now… At midnight… And I have a feeling that I'll regret writing it afterwards, but oh well. Also, I apologise for my grammar, but it's late and I've forgotten how sentences work. If I find mistakes I'll fix them later.
Warnings: Yaoi, weird humour, and brutally mangled radio frequency transmission… stuff. Also: Bad Touch Trio x England, Austria and the Italy Brothers, with possible GerIta on the side. Don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: Fie, my lord, fie, a fanfic writer and afeared of legal action? What need we fear when I'm pretty sure there are loopholes for this sort of thing?
21:58
Agent Rose to Mission Control: Target sighted. Over.
Mission Control to Agent Rose: Full report required. Over.
Agent Rose glanced around the dark, noisy room with an expert eye, brushing a strand of silky blonde hair out of his face as he did so, before beginning to once again mutter into his earpiece.
Agent Rose to Mission Control: I am currently located in the Bright Lotus nightclub. Target has been confirmed; he is sitting at the bar. Over.
A moment later, the voice of his supervisor crackled through the line, slightly quick with anticipation.
Mission Control to Agent Rose: What is the target's status?
Agent Rose smirked as he glanced over at his first victim of the night, who was slumped rather dejectedly over a tall glass of ale.
Agent Rose to Mission Control: Target's status: heavily inebriated. Requesting backup to launch Operation Bloodbath. Over.
Mission Control to Agents Rose, Bird and Tomato: Agents Bird and Tomato are to provide backup for Agent Rose while he secures Target Number One. Do you read me? Over.
Agent Tomato to Mission Control: Loud and clear. Over.
Agent Bird to Agent Tomato: Tomato is a stupid code name. Just sayin'.
There was a pause.
Over, added Agent Bird quickly, sensing that he'd forgotten something. There was a sigh from Mission Control's end of the line.
Mission Control to Agent Bird: That was unnecessary. Now get cracking. Over.
Agent Rose to Mission Control: Does this mean I can initiate the operation now? Over.
Mission Control to Agent Rose: Knock yourself out. Over.
A rather sinister grin spread across Agent Rose's face as he heard those words, before sauntering over to the target's seat and slipping a casual arm around his shoulders.
"Hello, England," he purred into the target's ears. Said target jumped like a rabbit in the headlights.
"F-France? What are you doing here?" he stuttered, squirming a little as Agent Rose's hands moved slowly down his chest.
"Just turned up to make your life more colourful, of course," murmured France.
"Well, you- I- get your hands off me, you git!" spluttered England, wriggling out of France's grasp and trying to punch the other man in the stomach. France ducked nimbly out of the way and began to laugh dementedly as he slithered back towards England.
Mission Control to Agents Bird and Tomato: Whatever's going on there, I hope you're getting it on camera. Over.
The two mentioned agents rolled their eyes and adjusted the video cameras built into their headsets, making sure that they were recording properly.
Agent Bird to Mission Control: Wasn't that the whole reason we got roped into this in the first place? Over.
Mission Control to Agent Bird: Just checking. Over.
"You bloody moron! Can't you tell that I don't want you near me?"
"Your voice says one thing, mon ami, but your eyes tell me another." Smoothly, he leaned forward and kissed England on the lips, slipping his hands under the other man's shirt. "Come on. I should get you home before you collapse on the floor."
"You know I'm only coming with you 'cos I'm drunk," mumbled England as he stumbled towards the door, guided by France's steady hands. "I wouldn't go near you with a ten-foot pole if I were sober."
"I know," said France gently.
Agent Tomato to Mission Control, whispered Agent Tomato from his spot hidden nearby. Target One has been secured, repeat, Target One has been secured. Over.
"Target?" snapped England, his eyes widening as he stumbled out of France's reach. "And what the hell is Spain doing here?" He glared at France.
"Wait, no, it's not like that-" began France.
"Bollocks! It's exactly like that!" shouted England angrily, slurring his words a little as he marched out the door.
Mission Control to Agents Tomato, Rose and Bird: Confirm target as secure. Over.
France sighed.
Agent Rose to Mission Control: We lost him. Over.
22:46
In a quaint, simply-decorated room of an old house, a graceful man sat at a piano, his hands dancing over the keys, his violet eyes half-closed as he glided blissfully over the melodies.
Agent Bird to Mission Control: Stupid aristocrat sighted. Over.
Mission Control to Agent Bird: I think you mean Target Number Two. Over.
Agent Bird to Mission Control: Yeah, whatever. Am I going in yet? Over.
Mission Control to Agent Bird: Be careful. Have the others back you up. Over.
Agent Bird grinned, peering into the room.
Agent Bird to Mission Control: Of course I'll be careful. Over.
"KESESESESESESESESESE~!" cackled Prussia, running into the room and tackling his target to the ground.
"What the- What are you doing in my house?" spluttered Austria, desperately struggling from under his attacker's body. "How did you get here? Let me go!"
"I closed my eyes and let the power of awesome guide me to this spot!" crowed Prussia happily, watching as his captive twisted and turned.
Agent Rose to Mission Control: Agent Bird moved without prior warning. Agent Tomato and I are going in. Over.
Mission Control to Agent Rose: He WHAT?
"I AM FRANCE, COUNTRY OF LOVE!" shouted France, kicking down the door and rushing to Prussia's side.
"I AM SPAIN, COUNTRY OF PASSION!" announced Spain, somehow managing to jump through a window and scatter broken glass everywhere without actually hurting anyone.
"AND I AM PRUSSIA, COUNTRY OF AWESOMENESS!" roared Prussia, still holding Austria down.
"TOGETHER, WE ARE THE BAD TOUCH TRIO!"
"Yeah?" called a dangerously soft voice from the doorway. "Well, I'm Hungary, country of kicking out trespassers." And with that, she swung her mighty frying pan and threw the three agents outside before they had a chance to protest that her claims were incredibly historically inaccurate.
Mission Control to all agents: Do you read me? Over.
Agent Rose to Agent Bird: You can explain this one. Over.
Agent Bird to Mission Control: It was France's fault, not mine. Really. Over.
00:18
All was quiet in the Italy brothers' household as Romano padded out to the kitchen, blearily reaching for the fridge in the hope of finding water.
Agent Tomato to Mission Control: Target sighted. Do I go for it? Over.
Mission Control to Agent Tomato: Might as well. Over.
"Romano!" called a delighted voice, as a pair of warm arms wrapped around the Italian, who promptly jumped about a foot in the air.
"What are you doing here, you bastard? Go away!"
Agent Bird to Agent Rose: Is it just me, or is he less surprised than ours were? Over.
Agent Rose to Agent Bird: Onhonhon~, I do believe you're right. Love is funny like that, oui? Over.
"I don't see why you feel the need to turn up at my house in the middle of the night! That's just creepy!" ranted Romano as he stalked towards the pantry, evidently deciding that since he was wide awake now, a midnight snack was in order.
Agent Bird to Agent Rose: Crap. Over.
"You should just go home right now, you stupid asshole," Romano continued, pulling the pantry door open.
"Surprise!" shouted Prussia, tumbling out of the pantry as France unfolded himself from under the table with a sigh.
"It seems that we have once again managed to lose the element of surprise in a spectacular manner. Oh well. Spain, pick him up."
"Roger that, Agent Rose," grinned Spain, sweeping Romano's legs and gracefully hoisting the younger man over his shoulder.
"What are you- You pervert! Put me down now! Why is France here, you bastard? I said put me down, dammit!"
"Ve~, is something wrong, Romano? I heard voices…" From the hallway a sleepy-eyed, by-no-means-fully-clothed North Italy wandered into the kitchen. The three agents could only stare at each other as they realised that they now had the ultimate prize within their grasp; both Italy brothers.
"Big brother France came to visit," said France fluidly, slinging an arm around the younger Italy brother's shoulders. "Prussia and Spain decided to come along too – isn't that nice? We're going to take you and Romano on a little adventure."
"Run, Veneziano!" called Romano. "No, wait – help me, then run!"
"Ve~, what's wrong, Romano?"
"You useless little – they're trying to kidnap me, you bastard! Stop them!" There was a muffled groan from Spain as his charge kicked him in the stomach.
"Romano, don't be like this. I don't really have a choice -"
"ITALYYYYYYYYYYY!" cried an extremely strong voice as Germany burst through the door. "What's going on here? Are you OK?"
"Germany, Germany, look who came to visit!" called the oblivious Veneziano. Germany glanced about the room, his eyes landing on his older brother.
"What are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?" retorted Prussia, glancing in a meaningful way at his brother's red boxers.
"That-" Germany stuttered. "That's none of your business! All three of you, get out of this house right now!" The agents scrambled to leave. "And leave Romano here!" barked the tall nation, almost as an afterthought. There was the sound of muffled swearing as Spain gently deposited Romano into a pot plant.
Agent Tomato to Mission Control, Spain transmitted glumly as he walked away with the others. We failed again. Over.
Mission Control to Agent Tomato… Well, I guess you did your best. And you did get some good footage, right? Over.
Agent Rose to Mission Control: Would we disappoint you, child? Of course not. We're done for tonight, though. My poor body is bruised all over… Over.
Mission Control to all agents: Understood. Signing off now. Over.
00:20
"Liechtenstein, what on Earth are you doing up so late?" yawned Switzerland, knocking on his adopted sister's door. "I thought I heard voices…"
"Oh! Sorry, big brother!" squeaked Liechtenstein, shoving the radio under her bed and opening the door with a perfectly innocent smile. "I was just… watching TV shows online. I must have lost track of time!"
"That's OK," answered Switzerland blearily. "Just try to get some sleep. Weren't we going to go on another picnic tomorrow?" He smiled.
"Oh!" answered Liechtenstein, genuinely delighted. "Yes! Thank you, big brother!" Her brother turned a little pink at the warm words.
"No worries," he said quietly. "Night." He walked away, and Liechtenstein shut the door before turning the light off and crawling into bed with a grin.
Overall, the night had been a success, she decided. She'd have related her experiences manipulating the Bad Touch Trio with threats of brotherly vengeance for the sake of slash to Hungary, but she had a feeling that the other girl would not be particularly happy to learn of the mastermind behind this particular escapade… Which meant that she got to keep any good footage to herself.
She glanced at the expensive, well-made headset and the polite note reminding her what she owed the device's manufacturer, both poking out from under the bed.
Well, almost to herself. It was only fair that Japan got his due, Liechtenstein decided. She drifted to sleep with an angelic, probably extremely perverted smile upon her face.