The only way I could explain how I felt the moment I woke up in this world was completely and utterly defeated. As I trudged behind what I remembered as the men who were Kushina's kidnappers, I couldn't help but wonder why in my final moments this scene was playing behind my eyes. Why was I looking through the eyes of the very women I strove to be. Wasn't this supposed to be the time when my life flashes before my eyes; when I am forced to face every regret I held and judged for just about everything I had done with my life?

At first I thought that perhaps I had been kidnapped, myself. The last thing I remembered before suddenly finding myself watch curiously clothed feet step in front of one another was wondering if Jackson and them got out alive. Wondering if the tourniquet I threw on Baker would hold until the medical unit could get to him. I was still trying to push more adrenaline through my veins to hold off the enemy from my injured brothers and sisters to my left and right. Trying to ignore their cries for their mother, for me - their medic, or their loved one who were thousands of miles away.

Knowing that I was finally at that point where there was absolutely nothing I could do. Where I couldn't physically guard my flock. I was at that God-awful point in every sheepdogs life, where you were simply not enough and had to accept that you couldn't.

You. Just. Couldn't.

At first I could push myself away from this hell, away from what I could only describe as my failure to my fallen siblings and bury myself in one last chapter. One first and final verse of my life, but eventually the pain was too much. My hand was shaking too violently and my vision was fading. As my vision went it was like the hell around me was put on full blast.

And I was left with just about the last thing anyone who was like me wanted to be left with.

My thoughts

I was and always have been damn good at putting the blame on myself. And even though I knew that these were my final moments I did just that. I didn't seek redemption, I just took responsibility. Momma and Poppa, brother and sister, lovers and even that hot chick from this-and-that bar were thousands of miles away. They could do literally nothing for the men and women that surrounded me. It were those very people, my brethren, who were crying out for those loved ones that entrusted me to defend those that lay crumpled and crying on the floor around me. It was not only my job as a fellow soldier; but a sibling, a sheepdog, family to make sure that they made it home in one piece. How many people had pulled me aside silently before we took off and asked me to just that? How many of my soldiers families had looked at me with hope in their eyes?!

And here I am, writing a fucking letter.

Now on the brink of death, instead of thinking of a way to beat this and find some magical way to get us all out of here alive. I chose now to be a selfish bitch.

I was looking, wishing, yearning for the one thing I could not ever have.

I was looking into the eyes of the man- no right now boy, who would do absolutely anything for her. For not myself, but the woman- no girl whose eyes I was borrowing. He would turn into- no he was always the man and even boy she needed to bear the burden that she held for all those around her.

SGT Nightingale, Melody was selfishly imagining herself finding that impossible person to take some of the load off of her shoulders that she carried for everyone around her which had literally taken her to her straight to her death. Instead of finding a way to save all those who she promised to keep safe.

My Death...

The pain was unbearable, but it wasn't a pain any sort of pain I could explain nevertheless fix.

It felt as if my heart was being held in someone's hand and crushed as I stared into those deep blue eyes. It was worse than that feeling I got when people crushed my hopes about them time and time again, but it felt so much more personal. I wanted to cry out in joy and pain at those beautiful blue eyes.

At the same time it felt as if my mind was being pulled in two different directions; I could clearly see everything that I had lived through. The war, the training, the death, the heartache and repetitive disappointment. It was all there SGT Nightingale was there, laughing with her friends, crying through scenes that hit close to home in all her favorite shows. Tears when people she- no I could most relate with or simply idolized died before my eyes. Jiraiya, Dean, Mufasa, Kushina, my grandmother, Bobby Singer, Captain America, Remus Lupin, Captain Kirk, my high school friend Jackie, Minato, Jeremy, Toboe.

Then on the other hand there was this innocence; I had always assumed it was the childhood that was snatched from me at a young age. The little girl who was neglected in order to take care of my siblings and deal with the ever-changing world I was born in. Only this time instead of seeing memories of a simpler time before my parents split; these were the memories of a certain red haired kunoichi I had vowed to become more like as I entered my early twenties. There was information in there that no one except maybe the creator would have known; there were personal feelings toward people who just simply didn't exist. On top of all that were memories that this child, this woman had based off of the information of Melody.

It didn't make sense but did all at the same time.

The migraine,

I had never experienced one prior to this, but this sounded just like people described it. I had been cursed with them more frequently toward the end of my life. Toward the end of Melody's life? This was getting far too confusing. I had always had a problem with life, with the world I found myself in. I never quite felt like I belonged.

I don't believe I truly did.

Pain along with complete and utter darkness. This is what Death must have felt like. Disappointment and regret.

For the first time, I wanted it all to end.

I felt as if I was watching two different scenes play before my eyes, split vertically and both hazy. On one side I felt the darkness begin to consume me, I watched in horror as familiar uniformed men made their way through the bodies that surrounded me, it felt as if someone was holding a magnifying glass over me; I was scared for those around me. On the other my vision was slowly coming back to me, I was in a forest and there was a pain around my wrists and it was the middle of the night as a cool breeze brushed across my skin, here I was terrified for myself.

In both cases I was losing hope.

For a moment on both sides as my eyes adjusted, or rather tried to, there was a blinding light. On the first side a silver glint on the other the moon escaping from cloud cover. Simultaneously I locked eyes with two sets of familiar blue eyes; the first ran up to me in that uniform, the second stood a safe distance away- both were smiling and spoke at the same time.

"I came to save you."

And darkness consumed me.