All characters and story lines belong to Stephanie Meyer. There is no copy right infringement intended here.
CHAPTER 12 -COMPLICATIONS
"Ask the questions." Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded by witnesses, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought, and then I turned away because she made no effort to move or leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of the electricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out, too, to walk her to her door as an excuse to stay beside her…
No more mistakes. I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to have any peace. Watching her disappear I realized how soon I would see her, giving me a certain degree of peace.
Leaving to face Rosalie, she seemed the most disturbed with what was going on. Remaining opposed to Bella, defusing the situation would be difficult. Some how I would assure her that this relationship would be acceptable. Attempting to think of what I might say, while I drove home, I could only think of what happened in Biology class.
The electricity that hummed between us was pleasantly appealing. I in no way expected this. This was all new to me. I'm not certain I have enough strength to leave now, if necessary.
When I arrived home everyone was present. All cars were in the garage, and I was nervous about entering the house.
This was a strange feeling, I'd never been anxious at home. It's always been the one place I could be myself, but now, I felt like a criminal, like the murderer I was capable of becoming.
I was failing my family.
It was disturbing to me, but thinking of leaving Bella disturbed me even more.
Approaching the front door I heard all conversations.
Esme and Alice were on my side. Alice assumed that her and Bella would be best friends and Esme just empathized. Alice had seen my monstrous side, what could happen if I lost control. The violence I could inflict if I allowed the monster out.
How could she be on my side? Why was she not against this?
Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie were all for preventing what was occurring before it was too late. Their ideas rolled around in my head making me annoyed.
I felt like a newborn, like they thought I had no control.
How could they not trust me? After all these years, did they not know me at all? Besides this had already been settled.
The conflicting thoughts were agonizing, I could emphasize with both angles. If it weren't me I would agree with Rose, Emmett and Jasper. Persuading them to leave before it was too late. Experimenting with someone's life at risk would never be an option.
So why was it I couldn't convince myself to do that? Leave and never return. What compelled me to stay?
Walking in, all conversation ceased, and all eyes were on me. Thoughts were soaring; I couldn't keep up with them.
"I know what you are all thinking." I said.
I'm sorry Edward! I tried to explain. Alice speaking silently.
"Thank you, but I can speak for myself." I replied. "I know all of your questions and I apologize I have no answers for you. I know my responsibilities and would not put Bella or any of you in danger." I pleaded.
"We know that Edward, were just worried about you!" Esme said.
"We're also concerned about ourselves, how this will effect us?" Rosalie demanded. "You have no idea what this can bring to us as a family! The implications that a relationship like this can possess, to both Bella and us!" she added. "You can't protect her or us from all that can happen. What are you thinking?" she scolded.
"Rose please! I beg you to try and understand. I'm in control and I'm being very careful, I promise. Can you just leave it at that? Can you trust me to do the appropriate thing?" I begged.
The room went silent, both externally and internally. What could they say?
With nothing else to say, at that moment, I turned and went up the stairs to my room.
The opinions in the house remained silent. Nobody reflected on anything, which was remarkable, so perhaps I had convinced them.
Convincing them of what exactly?
That I wouldn't kill the girl, or that if I did, it was acceptable? How could they give up so easily? Of all people they know what I was capable of. Carlisle was the only one who expressed his opinion.
I know you will always do the right thing Edward. I love you and trust you. Carlisle thought.
"I know that, but thanks for saying it anyway." I whispered, assured he would hear me.
How could I betray that trust?
Carlisle was the one person who understood me. Always stood by me no matter what I'd done. Undeserving of his trust, I allowed the monster to surface so easily. His words overthrew my brain, almost ending my conflict.
Almost.
The silence in the house was unbearable. Needing an escape, I could no longer endure it.
My need to be near her overpowered everything else –I hated to be away for so long. Anything could happen to her if I'm not there. She needed protecting.
Arriving outside Bella's house I remained in the forest out of sight. Yes, this was so much better than my house, putting myself in the path of temptation. What was I thinking? How could I be here? Simply put I couldn't resist.
Charlie was watching TV. His thoughts were mostly on the game he was watching and the day he had at work. He did wonder why Bella was always home instead of going out with friends. Maybe she was having trouble making friends?
Wasn't that the truth, if he only knew the type of friends she was making?
Turning my attention to Bella's room.
Bella turned out her light.
I listened intently for my moment, waiting for her to fall asleep. When her breathing became heavier I scaled the wall to her window, like a ghost. Pushing through the window I crossed her room and took my customary seat in her rocking chair.
Tonight she seemed extremely restless, tossing and turning. Concealing myself a few times as she stirred herself awake. Almost catching me, she opened her eyes and looked at me, but I moved so swiftly, she thought she was dreaming.
Why was she so restless? What made her toss and turn? She typically slept better than this. Perhaps I had been wrong… revealing everything I had… it probably repulsed her more than she was letting on... Would I blame her? How could I… after all I was a monster. I'm certain I could give anyone nightmares.
Perhaps the others were right. Maybe I should just leave her alone.
Was this too much for her? Wouldn't this be too much for anyone? How could I think that she could accept me? Who was I to let her accept me? Was this really me, or the monster in me hoping for my mistakes?
No! It couldn't be the monster... I wouldn't allow it. It was me who wished to be here. It was me who desired her company. But her company was not all that I craved and I could never forget that.
What would I do with her? What would I ask of her?
All of these thoughts were so unsettling. How could one mind be so torn?
I desired for her to know everything… everything about me. I wished to take her everywhere… everywhere I had been.
But would this be enough to satisfy me? To just be near her to have her close to me, would that be enough?
And what about her? What would this do to her? Would the little bit of closeness we could have be enough for her? Wasn't she supposed to attend to college, get married and have children? None of this was possible with me. This would be very unfair of me to attempt to do this to her. Did I have the right? How could I even think about being this selfish?
Morning was breaking and I would have to depart in a little while.
I desired for knowledge… to know what she dreamt of.
It was very frustrating not hearing her thoughts. I couldn't get any answers to the million questions I had. Asking her outright would terrify her, these questions were to revealing on my part, and it was too soon for that.
I remained staring at her remarkable face so full of beauty and peace while she slept. I could spend every night till the end of eternity watching her sleep.
That was so nice Edward, do it again! She mumbled.
I've never been frightened before, but I was at this moment. What was so nice? Do what again? If this was not a nightmare, what was she dreaming of? Racing through all of the conversations we've had thus far not being able to associate this statement with any.
Oh… this is so frustrating. My gift has always been somewhat of a burden, but not having it anymore: I realize how much I depend on it. I miss it! How it would help me at this moment.
Silently watching her, when it was time to go, I desired to stay. I loathed leaving her alone; instinctively I needed to remain to protect her. But really, she only needed protecting from me. Being the greatest danger Bella would ever face, I was her predator, stalking her every move.
Ducking out the window, I ran home. Changing into fresh clothes, I got my car, I had to be back in time, not wanting to miss her.
Pulling up in her driveway, she staggered out the front door. She was wearing a more appealing shirt today, rather than that hideous sweater from the other day. Today her top clung to her like a second coat of skin, but unlike the appealing blue blouse, this one was white, not a very flattering color for her. I could tell under her coat that this top revealed too much, snug against her, showing every curve, every line… but I shouldn't be focused on that. She walked up to the car smiling and opened the door. How natural this seemed.
"Good morning." I said awkwardly, being mere minutes since seeing her last. "How are you today?" already knowing the answer.
"Good, thank you." she said shyly smiling.
Desiring to know what she was thinking. I observed the circles under eyes recognizing why they were there. "You look tired." I said.
"I couldn't sleep," she confessed, confirming what I already knew.
Teasing her slightly. "Neither could I."
She laughed. "I guess that's right. I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."
"I'd wager that," again, acknowledging she had little sleep.
"So what did you do last night?" she asked.
I laughed wondering what she would think if she knew. "Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions."
Saving myself from revealing the truth, I was not ready to unleash this information on her. Being certain it was way too early to reveal this detail to her. Knowing it would have to be uncovered soon or later… I also knew this was not the time.
"Oh, that's right. What do you want to know? She answered.
Everything, Anything, your whole life! That's all! With a serious face I asked, "What's your favorite color?" the first question that popped into my head that wouldn't terrify her.
Rolling her eyes. "It changes from day to day." Here she was being very cryptic again. Why would she refuse to answer the simplest questions, this would really reveal nothing.
"What's your favorite color today?"
"Probably brown." She answered.
"Brown?" What a strange answerer.
"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's suppose to be brown- tree trunks, rocks, dirt- is all covered up with squashy green stuff here," she complained.
"You're right," I decided. "Brown is warm." Every impulse moved my hand to her hair, sweeping it back over her shoulder. I needed to see her face. But that was not enough and my hand moved again without my permission, moving to touch her yet again.
Enough.
I commanded and pulled my hand back. No mistakes.
Arriving at school I pulled into a parking spot. "What music is in you CD player right now?" Inquiring, I truly wanted to know. I'd been desperate to sneak a peak at her collection, but afraid to get that close to her, and here I sit closer than ever.
"Debussy." she answered after a moment.
Offering a little smile I then reached for my CD player, pulling one of the CD's out I handed it to her. Amazing she likes the same music, even with an Eighty-year difference between us.
For the rest of the day I asked as many questions as I could muster. I wanted… no needed… to know everything about her. Movies she liked and disliked, books she's read. Where she had been and where she'd like to go? I've never been quite so curious about someone in my whole existence. Having a million questions they never seemed to end.
She answered effortlessly only blushing a few times. When I inquired about her favorite gemstone she said topaz and then turned scarlet red.
Why would she do that? I insisted on knowing why she was so embarrassed? It was just a gemstone what could possibly be embarrassing about that?
She wouldn't answer without some coaxing.
"Tell me," I commanded.
"It's the color of your eyes today," she said, "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx." turning bright red now.
I was astonished deciding to end this swiftly. "What kind of flowers do you prefer?" I fired off.
Keeping up the questioning up, until Mr. Banner entered the room dragging the ancient VCR and TV with him, again.
Needing to move away from her this time, hopefully without her noticing.
I couldn't be that close to her. No mistakes.
Mr. Banner turned out the lights again.
All the similar feelings as yesterday returned.
The sudden jolt of electricity when she looked at me. My hand moving toward her without my permission as it had in the car. The burn ripped through my throat and the venom was flowing in my mouth.
Wanting to touch her, to put my hand on her face. Feeling the heat of her skin against my body, enveloping me, swarming around. My hand moved, reaching for her in this darkness, which wasn't dark to me.
Enough
Pulling my hand back, placing my arms across my chest where they belonged.
Bella leaned forward folding her arms on the desk and putting down her chin.
Was she feeling the same as I? Is that why she was avoiding eye contact?
Attempting not to stare at her, the tension was already thick as a wall with this constant stream of electricity flowing between us.
My urges were screaming at me, wanting to run my fingers through her hair, down her back, feel the length of her body against mine…
Enough.
Just watch this hideous movie. I told myself.
This hour passed slowly again, but yet again, not slowly enough.
Extremely cautious of the conflicting feelings I was having, feeling entirely in control and entirely out of control. I was having difficulty distinguishing which feeling had more power… the love I felt for this girl… or the monster aching to escape.
Glancing at her from the corner of my eye, her head was still down on her folded arms and she was motionless.
What are you thinking?
Frustration returned, desperately seeking her thoughts.
Was this as confusing to her as it was to me? Was it as difficult for her sitting next to me through this darkness?
If only I could see her eyes, they may give me some indication of her secret thoughts. On the other hand, seeing her eyes might make this situation entirely worse.
The lights went on and I found myself glaring at her unsure. Unsure of how she felt. Did she feel everything I had? Was the mood as powerful to her as it was to me? She gave no indication either way.
Standing in silence, I gathered my books and waited for Bella.
Walking her to gym class in silence not knowing what to say. If I uttered my feelings to touch her, to feel her skin on mine, to have her that close to me, it might scare her and I couldn't tolerate that.
Arriving at the Gym, the urge was too great, unable to contain myself anymore I reached out with the back of my hand and touched her face, from her temple to her chin.
Quickly turning, I walked away.
How could I let this happen, again?
Resisting these urges became impossible after being in that classroom, again. With all that electricity zinging between us, it was just too overwhelming for me.
I'll have to miss the last part of that wretched movie tomorrow. Not allowing this to happen again –refusing to be this vulnerable again –not with Bella. My uncontrollable urges were too strong. Making certain we were never in this position, again.
As I arrived at Spanish class, Emmett was waiting for me.
What's up with you, you look like the cat that ate the canary? Emmett pondered.
"Nothing, don't worry about it?" I answered.
What's with you, you used to tell me stuff? Emmett begged.
"I'm not sure. I don't know what's happening?" I confessed.
Tell me, maybe I can help! Emmett proclaimed.
"I made a enormous mistake today." I confessed.
What did you do? Emmett curious. Did you hurt her?
"NO!" Angered at even the thought.
Perhaps that was closer to the truth, Emmett knew the monster. And, if the monster weren't bad enough, the end results would hurt her that was a certainty. There was no way this could last… allowing her to get too attached… this could only turn out badly.
Well then, it can't be that bad. Tell me what you did? Emmett reassured me.
"I touched her Emmett… How could I do that? I know better. There's no good that can come of this, yet I keep getting involved deeper and deeper. Maybe, I was right in the first place, perhaps I should just leave." I scrambled for words waiting for his reaction.
Edward, would you just calm down. It's not that bad. Emmett laughed.
How could he laugh? How could he be so calm?
He knows what's at risk here- our lifestyle- our happiness- everything we've built could be destroyed in a second. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that. I couldn't be.
You have repressed your human side way to long man; it's about time it came out! I always wondered when that would happen. I was beginning to think it never would, that you buried it so deep, it couldn't possibly find its way out again. Emmett laughed again.
"Stop laughing, this is not funny!" I shouted.
Okay, okay. Listen! This is normal. This is how it is suppose to be. I'll admit I didn't think it would occur with a human, but since it did there's nothing you can do. Emmett confessed.
"There has to be some way to correct this." I begged.
It has been my experience that the wrong things are sometimes the best things. We can't help who we fall in love with. Just enjoy it while you can. Besides Alice has already told us! Emmett stopped.
"I already know what Alice thinks and that will not happen, I will not permit it. If I have to die to stop it… I will." I said growling.
All right. No more talk of that. I didn't realize how sensitive you were about that subject. All I'm trying to say is quit worrying so much, Edward. You've always been the one who fears too much. Try to have a little fun. Emmett responded anxious.
"I know… sure, thanks Emmett." I said apologetic.
Arriving in Spanish class, taking our regular seats we arranged our books.
Listening to the boy behind me, for a moment, he was filled with excitement over having asked Angela Weber to the dance, and having her say yes. This warmed my non-beating heart for a moment. Hearing the admiration he felt for her was all the thanks I needed.
Whispering to Emmett that our plan had worked, he smiled but said nothing.
Mrs. Geoff started class, while I pondered this so called relationship, or whatever this was, I was having with Bella.
Wondering how long I could let this go on? How much longer could I imagine this being good for either of us?
Deciding to take Emmett's advice, I wouldn't worry so much.
Giving some thought to spying on her in gym class again, I resisted knowing how angered she became yesterday.
It was difficult persuading my mind to other things, knowing I could see her so easily. But, then again, having to hear her through that vile Mike Newton's thoughts was something I couldn't endure.
Re-evaluating… what would I do with her? Most of my time was spent in ways that were improper for a girl such as Bella. Where could we go? It's not as if I could take her hunting, or running and most of our sports were out, she couldn't keep up. And how close would be too close? Could I simply hang out with her… or would I want more… would she? And, how much more would we desire? Could I touch her or would I desire more than that? How much more would be possible?
Nothing more would be possible. What was I thinking? Bella was far to fragile to even consider more than just being near her. Never touching her… putting her at risk… even just a little bit was too much.
Time passed much faster when spent thinking of Bella, and Mrs. Geoff dismissed the class.
Immediately rising from my seat, I made my way back to the gym. Leaning against the wall, I wondered if she would be pleased to see me.
When at last she appeared, glancing at me, she smiled. Affirming for me that she was glad to see me.
With a sigh of relief, I'd assume she wasn't repulsed by the coldness of my hand. Perhaps, this wasn't as horrendous as I imagined, maybe this could work out, after all.
With so many unanswered questions, my appetite was still insatiable, so the interrogation continued. Becoming familiar with absolutely everything about her was my mission.
Needing answers to so much, such as what she missed about home? Why she considered it so beautiful? Along with a thousand more question beyond those.
Speaking freely for hours, she answered many of my questions without hesitation. The ones I wasn't terrified to ask, of course.
Driving to her house again, we sat for several hours as my questions poured out.
Not wanting to surrender her, I heard Charlie on his way home, and knew it was time to leave.
The interrogation came to a halt.
"Are you finished?" she asked.
"Not even close- but your father will be home soon."
"Charlie!" she sounded surprised. "How late is it?" she wondered, looking at the clock on my dashboard.
"It's twilight," Answering I looked at the western horizon. "It's the safest time of day for us." Pausing, I looked back into her eyes. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" Smiling wistfully.
"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars." She frowned. "Not that you see them here much."
Charlie was getting closer providing me with reason to leave, not that I wanted to. It was far too early to explain who I was, that would keep for another time.
"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Saturday…" Raising my eyebrow.
"Thanks, but no thanks." Gathering her books. "So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"
"Certainly not!" I was outraged. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"
"What more is there?"
Oh there was so much more, I hadn't even scratched the surface of the million questions I'd had –and more were popping up every minute I spent with her.
"You'll find out tomorrow." Reaching across to pull the door handle for her, I froze.
"Not good," I murmured.
Damn. What was this? This had almost eluded my mind.
"What is it?" Surprising her.
Looking at her briefly, explaining this to her now was impossible. She's not ready to hear about this. "Another complication," I said glumly.
Flinging open the door, I moved swiftly away from her.
Seeing the headlights through the downpour, my body immediately went rigid –defense mode was automatic. Keeping my eyes forward, refusing to take them off the car in front of me. What was he doing here at this time? Whatever it was couldn't be good.
"Charlie's around the corner," I warned.
Frustrated and annoyed, I pressed the gas, revved the engine, squealing the tires I sped away from her house.
Confusing spread across her face as I drove out of view.
How could her father be a best friend of Billy Black?
The sheer irony of the situation would make it laughable, if I wasn't so infuriated. Of all people… why him?
As if this relationship –or what ever it was –wasn't strenuous enough without Billy Black and his tribe becoming involved. The treaty had been in place for years now, and had specific rules outlined in it. He had no right, being here under the circumstances he was. To warn Bella… to reveal what he knew about us… attempting to convince her to stay away from me.
And what of her father, Charlie, was he prepared to warn him, too?
That would put an end to our treaty immediately.
If this was his intention, there would be no turning back, ending our treaty would mean open war, and I'm positive no one would want that.
Driving out of view, I halted the car.
Being my job to ascertain what his intentions were here, I had to find out. How much information was he willing to share? If he told her… what would she think?
Running back through the forest I planted myself within hearing distance.