Author's notes: Written for the USUK-community's Secret Santa project 2009. Chose the prompt "Tony spying on America and England being amorous", and then the fic wrote itself mostly. (And can anyone tell that I love coming up with stuff for fantasy and sci-fi cultures and stuff?) Beta read by miss_duchess on livejournal.
Tony's mission.
Not many people knew that Tony's real name was actually TttrUUOOoNesh, and that he found that he preferred the shorter name that America had given him. At least humans could pronounce that. It had even spread amongst his own family and friends, from back home, so that they hardly ever called him anything but Tony. So when his real name was called, he knew immediately who wanted to see him. The one, the only, the Supreme Matriarch. He did not look forward to his summoning.
"Your Greatness of the Empire, unlimited by horizones, and more brilliant than the stars she has conquered, wished to see me, your humble servant in gratitude TttrUUOOoNesh?" rattled Tony, trying his hardest not to sound too bored with this all-too-often repeated line.
"Yes, we do." The Supreme Matriarch, the Greatness of the Empire, the Empress of Stars, the Goddess of all she found fitting to receive her blessing. The overly titled one. Tony tried to avoid thinking of that last thought if he could. She could only read minds when she was with child, but then again who ever knew when she was?
His Supreme Matriarch was looking him over, and he hoped that he wasn't visibly sweating. It was an Earth habit to sweat when nervous that he had picked up without thinking.
"You have been stationed at Quammeth-3 for quite a while now, haven't you?"
"Yes I have." Tony would never, in a million years, tell America that his people had named the Earth's sun after a great hero from their mythology. It wasn't as if they had known there were inhabited planets around that star when they named it, anyway.
"And you've had ample time to study the dominant species... What did they call themselves again?"
Tony held his tongue. He was not about to say that it depended on the language in question, and that so far he had only learned about seven of their manifold human languages. The Supreme Matriarch was not to be bothered with his troubles dealing with a poly-linguist species. He settled on the most appropriate answer.
"Humans." English was the dominant language, even if it had been provided to their world by that fucking limey.
"Ah, yes, humans," the Supreme Matriarch said, as if she'd been told before, but forgotten. Truthfully, Tony hardly ever reported into his superiors. And when he did it was usually some variant of, "Doing my job, stop pestering me about it, and fuck off". But that was when dealing with bureaucrat drones, not someone of importance. She looked intently at him, and he cursed humans for having such infectious habits.
"So, you know all there is to know about ... humans?" She popped a chulgerberry into her mouth during the little pause. Tony relaxed somewhat. Whatever she wanted with him, in regards to Earth, was nothing of great political importance. The Supreme Matriarch was just bored.
In such cases, he would just wait for her to give him the opening to reveal some of the more amusing aspects of human history. Hanging out with the personifications of the surprisingly, diverse nations, had its benefits in regards to learning things that could entertain an easily bored supreme power of the galaxy.
"And perhaps you know their habits as well then?" She studied his features. "All of their habits?"
"Most of them by now, yes," Tony started. "But there're probably more. They have a very diverse culture for being such a primitive civilisation."
"We understand," she intoned. "But there's one particular kind of habit we're interested in knowing more about."
Tony scrunched his face. He couldn't remember reporting any habits at all, so what could she want to "know more" about? Unless it was the kind of habit one assumed everyone, regardless of species, had. He did not like where this was going...
"Oh? What does Her Greatness of the Empire, unlimited by horizones, and more brilliant than the stars she has conquered want to know about?"
She smiled in a way that humans would have described as a calculating smirk. He could only describe it as fucking scary.
"Their mating habits."
xxxxx
Fuck. FUCK! Tony was buzzing about his room at America's house. How did she find out about it? How? Fuck! How did she find out about the sexual complexity of most of Earth's creatures? It's not exactly like it was a rare occurrence, except for within the Empire where such deviancy... There had been purges long ago. If any of their species ever had such feelings for someone of the same sex, they knew better than to even think it. Tony knew damn well better than to think of it in her presence, even if he had almost lost it right then and there. For while the Supreme Matriarch might have a curiosity for exotic human males doing the nasty with each other, she certainly would not care for it amongst her own. Bring about the end of civilisation and everything, just like it said in every history book he had ever read back home.
But how the fucking limey in fucking hell did she know that he was staying with a man involved with another man? There must be some sort of transmitter hidden with his belongings. Oh fuck, he hoped it wasn't mobile, because then it could be anywhere. It obviously didn't transfer visuals, since otherwise she wouldn't have asked for him to provide her with that, so he felt safe to openly look for it. How it would be "accidentally destroyed without him ever having known he had been spied on by it" was another matter. And after that he would still have a more pressing problem...
xxxxx
"Come on, England!" America was dragging his lover into his house, but England was struggling more than he usually did.
"No, not... Look, this is the house you share with Tony, isn't it?" That alien was rather low on the list of people England most of all wanted to meet. Even the frog was a couple of pegs over him.
"Oh relax," America laughed. "He's away on business or something. He won't bother us."
America leaned down to nuzzle England's hair just above and behind his ear. The older country flushed, but he wasn't sufficiently distracted.
"Business? Didn't he come here to invade Earth or something?" As he noticed America ignoring him in favour of sniffing around his neck, his eyebrows knitted with irritation and he shoved him off. "Listen to me, you wanker! Didn't your alien friend come here for the sake of invading us or something? Wouldn't his business be something we wouldn't want him to go about?"
"Nah, it's not like that at all, England. Tony crashed here, remember? They had no plans at all for Earth, so appearantly they made Tony some official information-about-Earth-finder-outer, or something like that. His business right now was to go home and report, or something."
"Oh, really? Reporting? About what? No, wait, let me guess. Our agricultural development? Or the results of our latest seasons of different sports? Or perhaps our DEFENSE STRATEGIES?"
"Seriously, England, do you really think that I would let just anyone look at my secrets? I'm a bit more paranoid than you Europeans, you know," he said, as he had finally managed to get them both to his bedroom. "Besides, they don't have any interest in conquering us. Apparently our planet doesn't garner as much interest as my movies and your books make it seem. Not enough to bother with us humans at any rate. You really need to relax. In fact, let me help you with that!" America grinned and waggled his eyebrows, and England rolled his eyes. Why did that infuriating silliness of his have to be so persuasive?
xxxxx
America burrowed his face into the crook between England's shoulder and neck, just softly kissing the sensitive skin. England did relax a little then, but the empire in him would never let himself be upstaged like that; so he grabbed a hold of the back of America's head to hoist him up to eyelevel, planting a kiss on his mouth that started out softly, got rougher as his hands started to move about, exploring his lover's back. As British hands tugged on the fabric of a t-shirt, American hands just yanked out the tucked in shirt so that his hands touched the skin of England's back. Arthur had to free up his mouth a little bit to let out a deep moan when one hand was on his shoulder blade and one was kneading his buttocks through the fabric of his pants.
xxxxx
Fuck. Tony had not expected them to go at it so soon. Sure, he did have the equipment rigged, no problem there. It was the mental preparation that was lacking. It was bad enough spying on America, talk about awkward times ahead, but seeing the fucking limey in that kind of state was going to give him nightmares. He most definitely did not need to know what his moans sounded like. Oh dear fucking brood of the fucking Matriarch, their shirts were coming off! As much as he really didn't want to be watching this, Tony found himself incapable of looking away. The only real reason he had to watch was to make sure that they didn't move out of range from the recording equipment. Yes, that was why he couldn't help but stare at the movements of their hands across each other's bodies, and the flexing of America's biceps, and... Fuck, this was all kinds of wrong.
America was his friend, and a human, and male. He shouldn't experience heightened sensory perception, and metabolism over the sight of his male, human friend's flushed skin. Ironically, he was starting to find himself thankful for the presence of the fucking limey, a presence that managed to take off the edge of his own impending arousal. Though some other, to him strange and unsettling, emotion piked in when he saw the former empire marking his former colony with bite marks. It was an emotion he had associated with the limey previously, but much stronger now. Must be annoyance. Yeah. That must be it.
xxxxx
"Ow!" America managed to yelp out between their mouths, before pushing England off of him. "Dammit, you bit me!"
England looked consternated at America. "It was just a nibble," England defended himself.
"That was no nibble!" America rubbed his sore underlip, leaving his finger with a thin line of red blood. "Jesus, I'll be glad if I don't get a mark from that."
"What's the matter?" The Former Empire, upon which the sun never set, smirked at the Relatively Recent Superpower. "I thought you liked it rough."
America purred in return. "Rough, you say?" His eyebrow rose fiendishly.
England knew that look. Oh, bloody hell. Suddenly he felt light as air as America more or less lifted him up to push him towards the wall behind him, which if his panic induced mind didn't lie to him, was where the closet door was. He barely had time to hope that that insanely super-strong idiot wouldn't ram him into the door handle, because he was going to get hurt enough as it- WHAM!
"You. Bleeding. Prick!" America had managed to break down the closet door with England taking the brunt of it. How that idiot always managed to forget his strength was beyond his former steward. He looked up at him, expecting the usual, "I'd be sorry, if I knew what I was supposed to be sorry about,"–smile. Instead he saw a horrified look on America's face, he hadn't seen since he found out that Russia had managed to sneak a webcam into his bathroom. At first he wondered if it was actual concern for his own wellbeing, to which he would have to strongly protest that he wasn't that weak being a nation and all, but then he realised that America wasn't looking at him. He turned, carefully in concern for his back and the wooden shards still littering the floor, and looked into the closet.
The alien was sitting there with what looked like alien versions of cameras and microphones, his face unusually flushed and sweating. England's brain had no choice but to explode.
xxxxx
"Tony," America finally said, breaking the horrifying silence. "What is this about?"
"Sorry about this," the alien started, handling the unusual interfaces of his equipment, apparently turning them off. "I was ordered to spy on you by highest command, I didn't actually want to do this."
"I'LL KILL YOU!" England scrambled madly to his feet, but his rush to strangle the alien was hindered by a still shocked America holding him back. "Fucking pervert! You were getting off on spying on us!"
"In your fucking dreams, ya fucking limey!" Tony waved his tiny arms around, managing to look both flustered and full of indignation. "I told you that I was only doing what I was told to."
"I know a flushed face when I see one!" England pointed an accusing finger towards the undoubtedly most vile creature he had laid his eyes upon... besides France. undoubtedly
"Technically," America started, "being an alien, it's possible Tony wasn't, you know... Because wouldn't that be weird?"
"You're the one who made a hundred movies of aliens being attracted to humans!" England whirled on America. "You even force me to watch them with you because you can't on your own."
"Please, England," America clasped England's upper arms. "This is kinda difficult enough on me already! Let me believe that Tony's biology, being as fundamentally different from ours as it is, could make him look horny when really he was just anything but that, I dunno, bored or something, or maybe angry, or happy, or sad, or some emotion we Earthmen do not know and shouldn't ask about, or anything!"
Taking in the frantic rambling of his love, England sighed and made a resolve. "You're right. There's no way that alien even has a sex drive. Right, Tony?" England spat the last bit at the alien, forcing himself to look in its direction.
"Right," Tony said without hesitation. Even without the limey's hint, Tony was ready to swallow his pride if it would ensure that America would not think the unthinkable. He breathed out harshly. "Anyway, I'm truly sorry for this. I had hoped you wouldn't find out about this."
"But why, Tony!" America looked at his friend, someone he actually trusted somewhat, tears forming in his eyes. "Why would you record us? For what purpose?"
There was no mistaking from either England, or America, that the alien was indeed blushing this time. But thankfully the connotation was much more clearly one of embarrassment.
"It is my great master, the Supreme Matriarch's will. She found out about the relationship existing between the two of you from a spy-drone of hers. That has been taken care of already, thank the old ones. But she ordered me to get her footage of a joining of the flesh between you. I can't disobey her."
"Yes, you bloody well can! And you," he turned to America. "Stop giggling!"
"I can't help it," America laughed out, a single tear trickling down. "This just went that little step from disorienting to plain bizarre. Joining of the flesh?"
"There's really no other way to express it in our language, and I am using her words here." Tony seemed actually bothered about it. "The truth is that sex between people of the same sex is fucking literally unthinkable where I come from."
"So her exact orders were of you to get a recording of me and America joining our flesh?" England had a cunning look in his eyes. Some plan was forming half way in his mind.
"I guess..." Tony hesitated. He had never seen such a look cross the limey's face before, but he already knew that he didn't like it.
"And she doesn't actually know what that would entail, does she?"
"I guess not..."
"Fine, then we give her what she wants, in a way that gives us what we want." England crossed his arms as he said the last part, making it final. "And then you stay the bloody hell away from me when I'm around."
"My fucking pleasure, limey!"
"Wait," America interjected. "What are we going to do? And am I about to regret asking?"
xxxxx
"You have returned to us, TttrUUOOoNesh," The Supreme Matriarch, the Greatness of the Empire, the Empress of Stars, the Goddess of all she found fitting to receive her blessing, spoke.
"Indeed, your humble servant in gratitude has returned to once more be enlightened by the mere vision of the Greatness of the Empire, the Empress of Stars, the Goddess of all she found fitting to receive her blessing."
"And you have brought us what we requested?"
"Indeed I have, Greatness of the Empire." Tony took out a disc. "This shows the joining of flesh between two Earth men, as requested." He really hoped the limey's plan wasn't a complete waste of inferior brain power, as he inserted the disc in a slot that the Supreme Matriarch gestured towards.
Soon a hologram flickered to life in front of the Greatness of the Empire, showing England and America. They were fully clothed now though, and almost a bit more conservatively so than when they had first entered the house. They walked up to one another, and for one more apt at reading human body language, it was kind of obvious that they were trying, but failing, at acting natural about it. When they were an arm's length distance from one another, they reached their hands to one another and interlinked their fingers. Then they stood still for a while, their only movements being slight flexings of their fingers, creating a curious rippling motion. Then they let go of each other and walked off in opposite directions, the hologram shutting down automatically once they were out of sight and the media-file had ended.
"That's it?" The Greatness of the fucking hell, I refuse to think she's pregnant now anyways. She seemed disappointed at any rate. "This is how Earth men join their flesh together?"
"Yes, Greatness of the Empire." Tony adopted a look of utmost sincerity. "By Earth standards, a very intimate display between two men. It was actually a bit embarrassing to witness it, if I may be so bold to admit in your overwhelming presence."
"We had expected it to be more... involving, to be honest." She looked away from the servant. "You may leave now. Return to Earth with you."
"Yes, Empress of the Stars." Tony couldn't get out of there fast enough, but he just managed to keep the respectful pace required. It had worked! The Matriarch had gotten exactly what she asked for, and she was pretty much guaranteed not to be asking for any more of it in the future. Perhaps the fucking limey had a good idea for once.
xxxxx
So that was how Earth men did it with each other, the Supreme Matriarch mused for herself as she was finally left alone with her thoughts. Most definitely not what she had expected, but still pretty fucking hot.