It was a good day in the happy matsuno family household. All of the brothers were sitting in their room like always because they are pathetic virgin NEETs with no girlfriends or life. Haha sucks to be them.
Osomatsu was playing the recorder like a good boy. "Doot doot" went the recorder as he blasted out some mad jams. The jams were so mad the house started fire. The fire engines loudly rang from across the street, screaming to the tunes of the awful dooting that came from the eldest brother's instrument. The fire engines pulled up to the house, busting out their emergency Iyami to beat out the flames, using his teeth to smother the mad-jam-dooting fire that had been started, singing Chip Skylark's number one hit single "My Shiny Teeth and Me" as he was smacked into the flames.
"Shut the fuck up Osomatsu-niisan, go kill yourself" yelled Todomatsu from deep within the depths. "I can fucking hear your stupid ass damn fucking shitty fuck bitch fuck recorder playing from all the way in hell"
Osomatsu made a sad face and started to play louder. "osomatsu i will kill your dumb ass fuck face fuck you niisan" todomatsu was boutta lose it. Karamatsu simply heh-ed in a corner, pushing his sunglasses nervously onto the bridge of his nose. Ichimatsu glared at him, with pure fire in his eyes, much like the doot jam fire that had just been put out.
Jyushimatsu decided to play a great game of baseball, so he tied Ichimatsu to a baseball bat and had to find a ball. He noticed Karamatsu heh-ing in the corner, and thought 'that right there is my ball'. He then hit karamatsu with ichimatsu and sent him flying to the stars. See you later, space karaboy.
Meanwhile, Osomatsu continued his sick solo jam session. He was really shredding that recorder. It was a heavenly noise. Osomatsu is a very talented boy, we love him, fuck you Karachat, Chorochat, Ichichat, Jyushichat, and Tottychat.
The sounds of Karamatsu screaming from the heavens matched pitch with Osomatsu's recorder, and it was a perfect harmony. Legend has it that if you listen very closely, you can hear the echoes of this brilliant combination even to this day. It's pretty sick if you ask me. Mostly because of Osomatsu's brilliant and genius recorder jamming, though. Kara's ungodly screaming was only passable.
Niichan note: kara pees the bed when he has a drink before he sleeps
Ha, fuckin' looser
Pee your pants kara
Karamatsu peed the bed last night, Matsuyo had to clean it up as the blue clod begged his mother not to mention it at the family gathering. Everyone knew however, as they all share the same bed. What a loser.
It had been maybe like an hour or something so Karamatsu had returned back to the Earth's atmosphere, much to the dismay of everybody else present.
"haha karamatsu-niisan pissed himself" Jyushimatsu laughed at the unfortunate blue bitchbaby. "muscle muscle hustle hustle straight outta this family" and then jyushimatsu jumped out of the window because karamatsu's uncontrollable bladder made him highly uncomfortable
Then he got hit by a car and dun diddly died
"Look what you did Shittymatsu" Ichimatsu screamed mad angery "Jyushimatsu is gone now and you basically killed him"
"i am sorry my burazas" Karamatsu looked like he gave not a single fuck that Jyushimatsu just got turned into a human meatpie "heh… i cannot control my ~Karamatsu Piss~" Osomatsu took a break from his recorder jamming to give Karamatsu the most exaggerated look of disgust, he then went forth to beat the fucking shit out of the fucker with his recorder, somewhat still playing the beautiful melodies of hell.
"heh" karamatsu heh'd as he was beaten to death by his brother. It took a very long time, as a recorder is a highly inefficient weapon and does not do very much damage. Many minutes later, Karamatsu finally succumbed to the searing pain of having a recorder forcefully jammed into his dick multiple times. All the other brothers cheered, including meatpie Jyushi from beyond the grave and on the pavement.
wasted
matsuyo burst into the room "NEETs what the hell are you doing in here" she yelled, veins popping from her head violently. "i heard screaming"
"oh nothing we just murdered karamatsu and jyushimatsu jumped out the window and got hit by a car" choromatsu said, waving a hand
"oh cool then just a normal day then carry on you useless neets" matsuyo replied, "by the way, sick jams oso you're my favorite son" Oso gave her a thumbs up and blew a sick doot doot.
"What what do you mean Osomatsu is your favorite son?" Choromatsu had stupid whiny baby tears in his eyes. "He's the worst one!"
"I mean he's my favorite I mean look at him he's great AND a primary color, don't give me back talk Fappy Secondary Color matsu." Matusyo deadpanned, no emotion in her face.
While this was happening, the house was still fucking burning. None of them seemed concerned in the slightest as the flames crept closer and closer. Smoke filled the room. The fire alarm was going off. Osomatsu was still playing his recorder.
"Doot doot" Osomatsu dooted happily. It seems as though the recorder had been melted onto his face. This is the only way he can communicate now, the poor boy. Pity him you fucking bullies
Anyways, yeah, the house was fucking burning but that's not important. Todomatsu was watching all of this from Hell's Throne, waiting for all of his brothers to die so he could revel in the satisfaction of being the one to personally drag his whole family down with him. Totoko was outside, roasting fish on the flames as well, going to sell them on the market. The total-waifu-material babe was selling the fish to raise money for a new idol manager, since her old manager Fappy-Secondary-Color-Matsu was being burned literally and by his mother. She smooched with Nyaa-chan as she did so, because best ship.
Atsushi, whoever the fuck that guy is, was doing jack shit because he's a character that showed up for a one-off gag in a single episode fuck you osomatsu-san fandom he might as well not exist why is the the todomatsu shouldn't exist theory it should be the atsushi doesn't exist theory
Iyami is dead
Chibita rejoiced as the Matsuno household burned. He would finally be able to get them to pay their fuckign tab. He planned to steal the money that would have been used for their funeral
expenses to get the money for the millions of dollars in oden that was stolen from him.
he's caillou don't question it, he has his methods
Todomatsu is in hell and the house is burning. Back to the REAL PLOT now guys. It's very important and deep so we need to keep on-track. Right, so Todomatsu laughed with a loud "hoyoi" as the house burned, the remaining brothers hanging on to a thread. Pissmatsu and meatpie jyushi had already fallen in as they are dead.
Fappymatsu sobbed as his valuable Nyaa-chan merchandise began to burn. Oh, so NOW he cares, what a piece of shit. Karamatsu is still dead. He cannot say anything. His corpse is starting to slowly burn, sparing the eyes of his brothers from having to view its unholiness any longer.
Not even Todomatsu wanted that soul. Karamatsu's soul got ejected into orbit. Orbit didn't want his soul either, so Pissmatsu's soul got ejected into the next universe. Sadly, they didn't want him either. Both universes came to a collective agreement to obliterate the soul. A large portion of space-time would be gone, but it was worth it to get rid of this scourge.
Osomatsu dooted some more, now sounding more panicked. The recorder is melting. Soon he will lose his only method of communication. No one else gives a shit because they're all terrible people fuck you stop bullying osomatsu
Ichimatsu walked into the flames, laying down, waiting for death to wrap its sweet hands around him and claim his sweet, supple flesh.
Jyushimatsu is also dead. His corpse is slowly rebuilding itself. What the fuck. Todomatsu couldn't claim his soul because apparently Jyushimatsu was still alive? What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
Choromatsu fapped himself so hard that he transformed, sailor moon style, into the Onceler.
The firefighters decided to just. You know. Leave the Matsuno household. It wasn't worth it trying to save these damn fools. Let it burn. Let the whole neighborhood burn. Remove the taint of their sin. Akatsuka-sensei would not have wanted this hell.
Todomatsu yawned, bored, waiting for them to hurry up and die already. This story is dragging on for too long with no excitement.
The house exploded, finally ending the lives of all inside. Except Jyushimatsu. It seems he had revived himself, and was now hustle hustling muscle muscling away from the still-exploding house, like a Michael Bay movie. "Hustle hustle muscle muscle I'm finally free from the weight of my brothers' sins!" Jyushimatsu proceeded to become a successful stockbroker with a mysterious past.
Todomatsu sprung into action, quickly snatching the souls of his brothers so he could bring them to hell and eternal torment.
"Oh hi Totty" The recorder serving as Osomatsu's mouth had vanished, and his face was now not incredibly fucked up. Ah, the miracles of death…
"Listen here you bitchass fucker Niisans" Totty leaned in real close. "You ruined my life and that's why I'm here today to judge you as the unholy abominations you are."
"Hey do you want some KFC?" Niichan, our wise and powerful leader, had gone out to buy some KFC and was now offering to feed his Osolings. How kind of him. He was also ignoring Todomatsu because feeding his hellspawn was much more important than his stupid little brother.
"LISTEN UP YOU SLUTS" todomatsu screamed using his Satan voice "BITCHES I'LL FUCKING OBLITERATE YOUR SOULS RIGHT NOW"
"You're so cute Totty!" Osomatsu pinched Todomatsu's cheeks and was also trying to feed him KFC like a bird. He was attempting to vomit chicken nuggets into Todomatsu's mouth
"thats it im fucking ending itall right now goodbye i hope you're fucking happy with yourselves" Todomatsu vanished into a puff of smoke leaving his shitty-ass brothers to reflect on their actions. "i hope you die again in here so i never have to see your ugly faces again"
"But we have the same face?" Choromatsu asked to nobody because Todomatsu had vanished to go file a complaint to God or something about his brothers
Ichimatsu really didn't care. He seemed almost disappointed. He clipped through the floor again. "Why can't my existence just end already. I thought death would bring me solace but no. I am still trapped. I will never be free." He rolled over onto his side and stared blankly at the wall.
"He didn't want my KFC." Osomatsu frowned. He was very sad… "Why won't Totty love meeeeeeeee?" Niichan began vigorously crytyping about Todomatsu's vicious rejection. "toTttyytyyyyyyyyyy i lobbe yuooo!11!"
"God fucking damn it not this shit again." Choromatsu plugged his ears using his Thneeds. You know, because he's the Onceler.
"ttTototottyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!1! ywhy wntt oyu lveo meeeeeeeEEeeeee,,,,,"
"Shut the fuck up Osomatsu this is why I want to die" Ichimatsu said from his position on the floor, still waiting for his end to come. "I hate this fucking family I envy Karamatsu for being able to get out"
Osomatsu gasped excitedly, tears drying up. "You envy karamatsu?!" he asked, running over and lifting Ichimatsu into the air. "I knew my adorable little kitty cat brother loved his niichans!"
"God no I'm glad he's gone but I wish I could have taken his place instead. You know what, Osomatsu. Kill me. Right now. Stupid no-dick niichan."
Osomatsu was offended. "My dikku is massive excuse you… Not photoshopped….. How dare you…."
"Don't fucking lie to me it's so obvious that you photoshop your penis."
Osomatsu opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted by Todomatsu appearing once again. "Okay we figured out what to do with you disgusting losers. We're sending you to the shadow realm so you can kill each other in peace or whatever. Have fun, fuckers."
So the Matsus all got sent to Yu-gi-oh world and became duelists in the shadow realm and also probably died or something. They stayed shitty virgins for the rest of their lives, too.
And somewhere, far, far away, some say Homura is attempting to vore a small, Caillou-esque man.
THE END
Pee your pants, Kara